#straight into 2weeks of watering schedule hell? is that i thing i should do?
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#ya kno those days where its like. nothings wrong but if anything changes unexpectedly i will lose#my fucking mind. the threads holding me back from having a total freakout meltdown are old and frayed#my brain needs to shut thr fuck up is what im saying#ive got thr hysteria wah >:-[#i swear to christ. if i have to fucking drive to the other uni tomorrow#me via emails should i pick things up tomorrow? should i dedicate my fucking weekend to making sure things work right and then roll that#straight into 2weeks of watering schedule hell? is that i thing i should do?#i mean at least there wouldnt b ppl there bc spring break but ay the bitterness. im full of black bile#i hate it here. and i cant stop#im being so dramatic. jesus christ. i fucked up my timesheet from like a month ago and have to fill out a sheet to fix it. it just makes#me want to lay on the floor and wail like a toddler. its fucking hard enough to get my brain to fill out my timesheets. and i just streight#up dont fill out reimbursement sheets bc idk money stuff is so upsetting for me to think abt i would rather just take the loss#just so i dont have to think abt it. how much money have i lost in that way? best not to think abt it#my fucking time sheets r a lie anyway. i used to do like 10hr days 6days a week while a part time employee after i got my masters#bc it took them like 6months to hire me and itd like wtf else am i gonna do with my time#and that is how u build resentment. no one makes me do these things. its just how it has to be according to the fucking annoying rules in#my brain. terrible and irrational and annoying. i just wanna leave#and i do have to fucking drive tomorrow. cool cool cool#and i have to wait for my boss to approve comments so i can submit this paper and idk how long yhstll take or when itll happen#bc she was doing field work until apparently 9pm yesterday idk whats happening but im supposed to meet with her tomorrow#but i dont wanna. like whats the point. i can find things to do and meeting just makes me feel bad bc im just tired and sick of this#and shes so nice and enthusiastic and i just cant match thst energy anymore. she texted me last week at like 8pm to ask how i was#and i was like ??? what do u want from me? what did i fuck up that made it obvious im not ok?#and she said she was just interested in how i was so i was like ok im fine. no elaborate bc like what do u want from me? i dont understand#but idk shes got a lot to deal with bc she moved schools this semester so her life is probably infinitly more stressful than mine rn#im just laying in a field of burnout and i wanna leave but i have to wait at least 4-5 months#whatever i need to get a bunch of materials together for an undergrad bc i said id give her advice abt reaching out for a masters#bleh im tired and sad. its probably in part hormones bc my body hates me rip#whatever. itll b fine. one more project to check off the list#unrelated
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