i may be just gasping at straws here but there is something just. so insane about how the nature of kendall and shiv’s relationship is somewhat cannibalistic. like shiv spitting in his drink and kendall drinking it anyway and the ‘i love you but i cannot fucking stomach you’ and the idea of kendall being the sacrificial lamb in 2x10 + shiv’s ‘can’t eat’ . like the whole consumption aspect of it all.. just wondering if you had any thoughts on it i suppose!!
YES very true. the kitchen scene is a callback to their childhood in more ways than one--it reflects the siblings' relationship with each other and with food and how they're linked (dyou remember the summer of competitive eating disorders:)). its notable that only shiv and kendall say they're hungry despite none of them having eaten dinner, and that kendall is the only one who ends up eating anything. roman licks the cheese as a joke, passes the ingredients to shiv, who actually blends the discordant foods together, and together they feed kendall this drink that is definitely terrible for him. siblings ! no but i do think its an unsubtle metaphor but it works ! kendalls position as the heir has always relied on roman being the weaker dog bolstering his position, on shiv being the baby who will never get it bc shes a girl. and if he wont drink the rest, they'll drench him with it, turn his own promised position against him in jealousy and self interest and a mistaken notion of love
and shiv spitting in it was very much foreshadowing, yeah. i liked how it was a callback to her spitting in kendalls notebook after the "rape me/i'm not the only one," incident during her speech--it was a childish act then, and its one now, and it shows how any attempts at enmity or solidarity come from the same place of shared abuse, of seeing someone better than you see yourself and punishing them for the traits you share. kendall drinking it again reflects how his position will never be untinged by shivs simultaneous understanding as well as animosity. mirror traps real
the way this all relates to the characters' relationships with food is also ofc very interesting. roman doesnt eat at all, he denies his body and sees it as evidence of his failure to be logan's son. he never wanted ceo, it couldn't have been him, dad's death cements the impossibility of the love he craved by which proximity to the ceo position was made valuable at all. shiv admitted she was starving but never ate anything, only asked her mom if there was food. she brings up food only as a move, only as something that can serve her, because to acknowledge it otherwise would be weakness. ofc this is reflective of her relationship with power, and love--she'll bring it up first so she's noted as being aware of the cards at play without showing her hand. but she never actually gets it because when she's said the quiet part out loud, voiced her ambition, there's nothing stopping the quiet parts of her weaknesses in this world from being consumed i.e. her womanhood :) in the end all she can do is acknowledge the fact of her starvation, and spit into the poisonous food bowl while still hungry.
ofc its kendalls bowl she's spitting into. he sees food as fuel, as something that gets him where he needs to go, but never actually enjoys it, and sees such enjoyment as juvenile--we're not at buckley anymore--but his firm belief in rationality and health corresponding to awareness means its another step to the ideal position that doesn't really exist. at the end of the day he will drink the concoction because he considers himself stronger for it. i did a fucking year in shangai, i'm ready, etc
ultimately this is reflected in their choices in the endings. roman says yes first then retracts with shiv. i think hes the one who says shiv has no stomach for admin which is like, him pinning the decision to support kendall as well as the consideration to kill him onto shiv lol. SHIV doesnt have the stomach for admin, and SHIV cannot stomach kendall, and it comes down to the same thing--shiv shutting kendall out bc she's never been able to digest his choices. this DOES relate to pierce ofc and logan throwing up at the breakfast and ultimately waystar being a declining corporation that could never have eaten up pierce. do you see what im saying do you see how it makes sense from this angle that shiv was the only one who ended up still "in," even if only as the ceo's wife. shiv being unable to stomach kendall is the final nail in the coffin--its acceptance of this fact. of the death of waystar, and by extension logan. anyway i keep thinking about how when they all trooped into the kitchen, wet through, kids again, there was never really any real food in the fridge :)
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homestuck recap
i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there
anyways here it is
also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)
also that this is long
you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance
ive been coping with humor to get me through it
neato.
have fun with what i suffered through:
why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?
like did i miss a page???
OH its the beta version of HS thats why
damn its like 5 pages and thats it
mmh
well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.
do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”
thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.
god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did
i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now
cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz
flashbacks are starting up already
yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl
that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.
OH W A IT SHIT
i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place
my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.
oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that
little did rose know where that would get her right now
oh yeah
there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.
still think shes some weird spy or secret agent
i kinda love her ngl
anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?
oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf
and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red
huh, how times change
i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again
yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?
OH that makes also much more sense
bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.
i gotcha
man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat
are you
telling me
the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?
THE EGG
THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”
of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this
man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt
damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet
okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig
man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow
the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?
we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks
oh yeah that reveal
god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh
bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog
who lowkey
is doing better than bro
who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao
dreambot = terminator. im telling you.
sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”
why is the entire game session highlighted
i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY
okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout
which is honestly cool
idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.
yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching
yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.
especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION
pls can this be the halfway point to the recap
AT LEAST
so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.
speaking of jack
man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl
OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN
and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.
also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..
she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far
oh yeah okay
but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?
anyways
exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.
noice
i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.
yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute
fuck yeah the dick head
hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them
anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”
UH WHAT
WHAT
OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO
THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!
so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.
which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.
and jade is space. witch of space.
nice
i have no idea what that means ngl
okay finally
we’re at the trolls
maybe this recap will end soon
i remember when i thought they were internet bullies
yesss
someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke
it be like that, i annoy many
then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse
imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens
ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that
nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background
i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes
but theyre trying
OH MY GOD
I GET IT
FUCK
DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??
AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS
GOD D A M N
wow
i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”
flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans
anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really
he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song
i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh
trolling strategies
anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.
i wonder why it explodes
more importantly
....
terminator time?
this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.
absolutely gold.
all except AT’s rap.
GC was the only smart one with the linear shit
anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so
that will be fun for the future
john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there
yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things
OH and the white queen was the cursive
damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk
oHHH
i fucking SEE
thats why he said DNA
to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean
fucking neat wow
man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log
so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.
derse is very pretty, ngl
and wow shit
“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just
do that, awake in both places at once
i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow
ah yes, around the time things got confusing
okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao
the more you know i guess *twinkle*
i find that a neat concept tho
like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit
yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future
no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend
fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say
i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm
and then everything else just made me sad again
i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?
we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk
fucking DAVESPRITE
damn idk how that works
will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?
“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?
okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box
bc i thought he used his knife?
im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew
alright okay..
god that was a lot
i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE
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Throne of glass spoilers ahead, you have been warned kiddos
Firstly , god damn that was a rollercoaster of hardcore battle , like seriously
The forging of the lock... idk the scene of aelin kinda flying across worlds gave me shivers, and even though I haven’t read acortar or whatever , it���s kinda made me want to read them now, it was so beautifully written
Tell ya who the queen of slow burn is, SJM like god damn that woman, yeh we god elide and Lorcan(obvs) but freakin Lysandra and aedion , I’m kinda still starved for content like, ik aedion was pissed but still a lot of the dialogue between the two of them was Lysandra feeling like shit
LYSANDRA WAS UNDER APPRECIATED JEEZ
aelin- 10/10 character development, Sarah kinda broke her down and built her back up again, from a cocky arrogant queen (who I adored) to a kind, almost wise still cocky queen
Was it just me who thought rowan and the cadre and elide finding her was kinda... anticlimactic... yeh rowan skinned that douchebag alive but still. I felt sjm could have done it more justice
Dorian and manon my little cuties honest to god, their scenes were awesome, manon found her humanity
Crochans were awesome, but like obviously they were important but we didn’t really find out much about them if that makes sense ?
IM ALSO GONNA GET A LAWYER, SARAH OMG WHY TF DID YOU KILL MY BEAUTIFUL THIRTEEN, YEH IT MADE MANON GO APESHIT N FIGHT HARDER. AND YEH THE STAIN ON THE BLOODIED GROUND, AND THEN ALL THE DIFFERENT KINGDOMS PUT FLOWERS WAS AWFULLY BEAUTIFUL. BUT STILL YIELDING? WASNT THAT THE COWARDLY WAY OUT? ASTERIN NEVER MET FENRYS REALLY? I WANTED HER AND BORTE TO BE BEST FRIENDS OMG. HONESTLY WAS SOBBING AT 3am ONLY BIG DEATH THAT MADE ME CRY OTHER THAN NEHMIA, ALSO ASTERIN GOT TO KICK THE BITCHES ASS N TAKE HER DOWN, she’s going to be with her hunter and witching remember that guys :(((((
NOOOOOOOO GAVRIEL AND AEDION NEVER GOT TO TALK CUS AEDION WAS A STUBBORN ASS 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😤😤😤😤
ngl thought nox was gonna have a bigger role, like we all knew he was gonna be in there somehow but still... did he even meet aelin ? Did I miss something
Also thought that it was gonna be Dorian that would have forged the lock ? Anyone else , like ik it wasn’t supposed to be glorious and yeh aelin kinda hAd the right to do it but she just pushed him aside tbf , also neat little thing sjm put in about Dorian wondering about his humanity, and about his father who turned out to be cleverer than we thought.
Maeve was an absolute bitch, her death was kinda anticlimactic, but my main boi fenrys got to have one of the killing blows which was pretty cool
Sartaq and neseryn was awesome as per usual, but I kinda wanted there to be more interaction between them and the other characters , but then again they were just their so we could get birds eye view of battle and also the dam which was freakin awesome like that was really cool , there was an impending threat that wasn’t maeve or erwan
Rowan didn’t really give aelin more time which kinda pissed me off like yeh , he was wary In a worrying way for the couple of chapters in the boat and caves but still.
It was fenrys that honestly just took my mind away, the communication whilst my main girly was getting tortured by the dickhead. That was really cool the way that was written, 11/10 maas for keeping that going throughout the book dammmn
Ik it was a battle but WHERE TF WAS FLEETFOOT , yeh she was mentioned which means she was safe and yeh she was sleepy on the floor , but I wanted her to take a bite outta someone for nehmia
Abraxos didn’t die hahahaha hahahaha my theory of big spikey doggo was correct 😏
HE HAD A MATE OMG SERIOUSLY MAN , he’d gone through so much effectively torture, then he was happy and then his mate and all his friends just got killed
Erwans death was awesome like good on yrene who is a freakin goddess in my books definitely a favourite character for evermore. She was pregnant and she managed to save everyone
Aelin still kinda has her power to remind herself and everyone what she had to do to save their world
Ngl I felt kinda sorry for maeve when she wasn’t plotting and scheming , yeh she’s the evil lady that tortured aelin for months, mentally and physically, but she genuinely just wanted to escape from her husband and brothers
Sorry but who TF were those random wolf fae/ humans like heya they saved their asses but I’ve never heard of the wolf tribe before unless I’m being stupid lol
So ummmm Dorian and shapeshift? What can’t that kid do 🤨 but his and chaols reunion was the best like I almost cried , they found each other again, the boys are backkkk
Chaol and yrene didn’t have that many chapters tbf, and when we saw them it was kinda a couple of pages and that’s it each couple of chapters, like I would have liked to have seen more interaction with other characters
Chaols dad didn’t turn out to be as much of a massive dickkk whooooooooop but still I wanted to meet terrin and his mum. Like how cool would that have been if terrin used his diplomatic skills to make the wild men fight for them, like we could’ve had some more character development from chaol who would have faced the bad aspects of his past with the good ones
Sjm could definitely do another series idk she’s kinda set it up like she could write tonnes more on it , but I’m mmm guessing theirs gonna be some more storytelling aspects to the guide book next year than we thought
THE ENDING OMG THE ORIGINAL TRIO WAS BACK AND THEY ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGED EACH OTHER IN THE BEST WAY LIKE CHAOL WAS CRYING DORIAN WAS SOBBING AELIN WAS JUST KINDA GLAD THAT NONE OF THEM HAD DIED. However wtf was chaol going about them seeing each other again.? I’m expecting yrene and chaol and Dorian to be all up in Terresan for yulemas etc, aelin and Dorian better send each other books
Nawwwwww manon was a powerful queen who united the clans of witches like that was sickkkkk
Yano I was kinda expecting to meet Vaughan tbf (idk if that’s how you spell his name ) but I’m glad we didn’t because aelin probably would have given the blood oath to him so she could have the full cadre (other than Conall) which I’m still pissed about, like him killing him self, surely he loved fenrys enough to fight it ? Bros before hoes ? Jks it was relevant 😖 and it wish it wasn’t cus I wanted him and fenrys to be free together
AND THIS CONCLUDES PART 1 OF MY LONG AND TEDIOUS TED TALK , THERES GONNA BE MORE I CAN TELL, BUT THAT WAS ME TRYING TO CONDENSE MY BIG PHAT SAD FEELINGS OMG I SOBBED AT THE END OKAY COOL YOUR WELCOME 😎
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Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...
Sorry, going a little offtopic there.
But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!
Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....
Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??
Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...
So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!
So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids
And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.
This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...
God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..
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