update: i went to the doctor and they were like 'mm. yeah thats fucked. see a dermatologist here's a 'see the dermatologist' paper'.

by their own reckoning, it'd be a week or two at *best*. i called a few dermstolgists.... the best appt i could grt was nov 7, after Carey (the scheduler) looked through like. *all* of the clinics in the state ran by these folks after i told them how scared i was. i cried a lot on the way home.

got hone, called more places, nowhere had any appts anytime in the next month, second-best was december. apparently got confused because I called n spoke with Carey again by accident, they'd already put me on the 'call if theres a cancellation' list, i cried again and thanked them. Five minutes after I hung up with them, i got a call back: someone had cancelled and tbey called me right away, and I now have an appt in a town 20 minutes away, tomorrow morning. 'Dont cry, because then i'll start crying too'. I told them thank you so much, and god bless them, and im serious if you pray please wish them well tonight (i dont know how to pray)

So. I feel better than I did this morning. I feel blessed, and grateful. Please put Carey (i wish id asked how their name is spelled...) in your prayers if you have any, i love them.

i did a tarot reading today. two, actuallh, with two different decks. I couldn't understand everything the first was saying, except that i probably have cancer (i might be like. panicking and being biased. u know how it is.) The second seemed to be saying that my closed-off and shielded nature is holding me back, and by deliberate and measured effort I can work to fix that and be less fucked. And in so doing I will find community. That feels pretty right. First Real Readings ive ever done tho so. idk

Hung out with new person R, and roommates. Mostly did not think too hard about The Thing. So thats good.

Roommate J says she once went to an urgent xare for a suspicious mole, and they said it was definitely cancer. Then she want to a derma, who said 'nah thats not cancer'. so thats kind of relieving. Mine looks... *bad* though, i dont knkw..

in all... im scared, really scared. But at least I'm not paralyzed with terror like I was last night.