#sorry i suffer greatly from can’t shut the fuck up disorder
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i'll send this here for topical reasons: top five lines from doors songs? ignore how predictable i'm being
really sorry for being an annoying eng lit student about this one. it’s in my nature
1.
i know this is an entire verse and it’s highly predictable of me BUT morrison himself said “it could be almost anything you want it to be” so i’m using that to my advantage. it reads like a poem on a page, and he says it that way too (granted that could just be due to circumstance rather than intention lol), enjambment scattered, and then he and then he and then he….. ironically, it’s endless. the story chases itself, runs in circles, then builds to a horrific climax. and of course it does—how many times will we read about a son killing his father? how many times will he fail? how many times will he do something so much worse? and, like oedipus, is he fated to do it? i don’t KNOW i have lots of thoughts none of which are coherent lol
2.
okay i know i reblogged these lyrics yesterday but i’ve been thinking about them since. like how brutal is that imagery? violence/fragility… predator/prey… but then it becomes human with “stuck her with knives”… oh my god. i’ll be here forever
3.
sorry it’s a verse again but i feel like the morning/noon/night lines lose power on their own. but he was SICK for the last line. i love how it’s so calm but lined with panic. temporality…. time running away and being frozen at once…. reminds me of siken
4.
WHAT the fuck. “nestled in your hollow shoulder” ??? do i actually have to say anything ??????
5.
would you believe my shock when i found out this was written by krieger. anyway i know it’s pretty simple but there’s just something so tragic about it. idk. when i first heard it it gagged me a bit
put “top 5” anything in my inbox
#sorry i suffer greatly from can’t shut the fuck up disorder#really did try !!!!!#thank you <3#ask games#harry
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I’m overwhelmed.
There is a lot that’s going to go into this post--so please bare with me. I deal with a great deal of issues with my anxiety, however I’m going to keep this as general when discussing everything as I can in terms of symptoms and degree of everything. First things first:
I’m currently five months sober, that’s the longest I’ve had sober since about 14 years old. I’m 24. I’ve dealt with anxiety my entire life, however I didn’t know what it was back then. I thought it was a normal part of the human existence and that it only came when life was stressful. The symptoms weren’t as they are now and back then it wasn’t as regular. I’d run things past my mom and be okay.
Next:
While I was active in my disease I began having serious panic attacks which evolved into a gnarly panic disorder and every day anxiety. Around the clock.
I made the decision to get clean last July 2018. I relapsed a few times from July 2018-February 2019. My sober date in Valentine’s Day.
I’ve been five months sober, I had five months on Monday. The first three months were good! I was motivated, things felt as if they were in check, everything seemed manageable. Once I hit three months, I got engaged. It was unexpected and I began to deal with my high levels of anxiety again. The day after I got engaged I was in the hospital due to chest pain I thought was a heart attack, got screened with a bunch of tests and I was completely fine and healthy. I could hardly enjoy my celebration dinner that evening.
Now, since then I haven’t been able to get back to base level. My grandmother got sick, I began having flashbacks to when I was active (all the trauma and pain that was part of it), I’d start to come down and level out and then bam something else would happen.
In the first three months, I was motivated as stated before. I had a personal trainer, I was attending meetings every single day, I was having fun with my fiance’ and family because I was actually at a state of peace where I’d be able to reason with my anxiety and anxious thoughts.
Since May I’ve been keeping very much basic. I haven’t been with my personal trainer, I haven’t worked, I’ve been keeping with the meetings, sharing my feelings, the pain and hurt. I’ve just been so highly aware and on end with my everything.
I have a therapist. I started with her in March. She’s the perfect fit for me, I’ve never been good with therapists. It’s so hard to find someone whose a perfect match and that you can completely trust and connect with. Someone who actually listens to you. Only issue is that she can only meet biweekly, and usually it’s more like three weeks or three 1.2 weeks.
I’m not a fan of medication, I have deep rooted issues with medication so I’ve not been on any. It’s nice that she doesn’t push medication on me and respect my thoughts and decision.
However, about a month ago things were so draining and overwhelming I wanted to meet with a psychiatrist to weigh options. She’s amazing as well. Very thorough and wasn’t quick to throw medications at me as other’s I’ve met with. She suggested IOP. I met with her yesterday and I have three weeks to decide if I want to do the IOP which will be weekly and I’ll really be able to get to the root of everything, or to continue with a new therapist that will be biweekly come August.
My therapist told me our last session that she’s leaving the beginning of August. My next session with her is the end of July just about, next week. I was set up with a 30 day wellness program during time until I see my therapist next (24th). The woman in wellness suggests IOP too. No one wants me to relapse.
I honestly don’t feel I will relapse. I don’t find myself thinking about alcohol often, however everyone agrees that my mental health is suffering and that I’m not in the clear yet, 5 months isn’t that long. I’m still fragile and vulnerable.
My mental health is shot. I’m starting to put things together in a sense of past trauma and triggers but it’s still just a lot. My anxiety is around the clock usually, I hardly have a good day or a break. As I’m writing this my chest is extremely heavy. Hell, the reason I began writing this was because I was on the verge of a panic attack. My chest is heavy heavy, I feel like there’s a ball of anxiety or tension in it and I cannot seem to get comfortable. I’m very much on alert.
I got my psych diagnosis yesterday. I’ve had them a few times but yesterday made a lot of sense--I was diagnosed:
Health anxiety
Panic disorder
GAD
Phobia disorder
Insomnia
Depression (she heard a bit when I was explaining things to her)
OCD
Alcoholism
Childhood trauma
PTSD
She told me that my mental health and alcoholism are interlinked and feed off of each other and that all things listed above interlink and have a common theme as well, being I’m constantly seeing things as threats and never feel safe.
That’s a long fucking list. When she told me though, there was a wave of ease. It makes a lot of sense to me and is calming knowing that what I’m going through and experiencing are actual things others go through.
I’m tired. I’m afraid of death. I want to live. I’m young, I have a bright future. Life is just scary, all the time. I’m sorry if someone read this and was not thrilled by the read, I really just needed to type it out and get things in order to visually see opposed to compartmentalizing in my mind. My chest is still heavy but it will pass. I’m just waiting for my fiance’ to get home, it’s hard being alone sometimes.
If anyone has any experiences with IOP for mental health/substance abuse please reach out, I would greatly appreciate it. I have a hard time succumbing to the idea that I need IOP, I’m realizing that my ego though. I think it may be good.
Last thing and I’ll shut up--I explained this to my fiance’ the other day. I feel as if my life is like if I were to break my ankle. I break my ankle, snap it in half. I have a cast on for some weeks and eventually get it taken off. Upon getting it taken off and walking on it again, something doesn’t feel correct. I carry on and continue walking. After some time I get bored and start to feel as though I should amp my walk up to a soft jog, something feels off again but I can’t put my finger on it--I assure those around me that all is well, after all I did have a cast on my ankle for some weeks. Finally, I start to run. I start to run and I can hardly make it a minute my first shot. I figure, it was the weather affecting my ankle. Everybody knows that weather has a role in broken bones. I try again and again, I cannot last more than a minute--shit, this time I can only do 30 seconds. I continue back to a jog, when I should really be continuing back to a walk, bringing that back to my doctor and putting my ankle back in a cast again because my ankle just isn’t properly healed yet and until it’s healed, I will not be able to get that consistent run in which will last more than thirty seconds or a minute.
I feel that is my life right now. I can’t keep continuing on the path I’m on because I’m trying to do everything I can to feel better. I need more more more. I need to start a new job, I need to start a new way of living (literally the four agreements is an amazing book but just not the time man), I need to work out harder, I need to develop a better network and once I do that ... EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
However, that is but an illusion. Don’t get me wrong, all of those things are wonderful healthy positive things ... but they’re things I can achieve in time, in the future. I was advised by my therapist to keep life as simple and basic as I can right now. Literally, all I have to do is make sure I’m getting enough sleep, eating enough, drinking enough water, staying sober/getting to meetings and working out at a reasonable level, just to help expel excess energy which fuels my anxiety. Workout as basic as going for an evening walk, no strength training, etc.
I’m not properly healed and until I properly get the help I need to begin to heal and develop within that, I will be unable to progress properly. Everything will be yielded bringing it back to poor mental health.
I’m just tired. I love life so much, I want every second I can get from it to continue on, however, I want it to continue on clearer, fuller and easier.
Thanks for reading--
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