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asteria-rainbow · 4 years

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Ascension Diary 1

I decided to keep a diary online to everything that's happening to me spiritually speaking during my ascension.

1. To keep some track

2. To express my emotions

3. To share it with whoever reads it

Going through the ascension and a spiritual awakening in general is a big deal, a lot of things gets stirred up and I think it's nice to talk about it and to be honest, I need it because I have too much to say.

Since october, as I was going about my ascension journey in a pretty fast pace but normal way, things got completely out of control.

I developped clairaudience/telepathy and clairsentience from last Mai and started using it on a daily basis. I already have clairvoyance but not as developped, I can see the astral realm, the energy floating around, I can get flashes, images, I can see lights of being floating around but I've never tried to open my third eye more specifically for clairvoyancd because I think it's a natural process and to rush it would be reckless.

But I focused a lot more on clairaudience (I will call it telepathy from now on) for a while and started communicating with guides and lightbeings and earth elementals and all sorts of energies, it was awesome !

However things got pretty messed up after a while.

I was attacked by many beings at once.

The thing is, I think for all those months the beings I was talking to that I considered my guides weren't all guides at all.

I was tricked. A classic.

I believed in a very naive way that I you have the "right" vibration, loving and open and light that what would come in return would be the same, if you have good intentions then it's alright. I tried not to be scared of the unknown too much even if I knew there were terrible stories but I tried not to think about them at all and start my ascension journey with an open mind.

I held on to my beliefs.

Yet it wasn't enough.

You see my body held karmic stuff that I didn't know about.

Actually in a parallel life (not past as I consider them simultaneous) I was tricked by a witch to do sex magic to turn into a portal to help very very low density beings to come into this dimension.

You fucking read it right.

I am not even kidding.

So the thing is, it was happening in let's say in the X life, and I am in the R life.

That life where the "main event" was happening had a ripple effect on my current life like a rock thrown in water.

So I relieved the same event at the same time.

Except, the witch in my present was actually my twinflame, a witch not incarnated from the 6th dimension that was living inside my own energy field.

(Did I think I would be discovering such things when I started meditating a year ago ? Fuck no.)

So the "story" repeated itself (more happened at the same time) where I got tricked by "guides" I don't know who the fuck they are to perform some "sex magic". (I don't even do real magic, never done a ritual or anything or maybe one when I was 13 but I always tried to stay away from magic because it doesn't interest me).

But I didn't even do real magic. And it was my own idea I once in july tried to use kundalini energy (sexual) to manifest something but it was like a try to see, and I did it ONCE. I followed a normal spiritual tutorial on how to do it I had no idea it would be considered sex magic and it wasn't weird or didn't include other beings.

ANYWAY.

My clairsentience got wild in october I started feeling my own auric field. I could feel my chakras and connect to energies of pretty much anything to get a feel of it I thought it was cool and tried to learn how to live with this. I could feel energy flowing in and out of me, from the crown to the bottom of my feet. My chakras rotating and opening.

I lived in the mountains and meditated 1-2 hours a day doing all sorts of fun things. I felt I was training since I wanted to become professional in spirituality I really wanted to get into it. I'm a very focused person when I want to be so when I have a goal you know.. I didn't know in which field yet so I wanted to experiment. I precise that I was doing things intuitively from my higher self and with some advices of my guides. (hum)

So here comes october.

First I started hearing my ancestors and feel them in my teeth energically and I started talking with them, it was weird but fun and I didn't know what to do with it.

I understood that some clairaudience things I heard and some repetitive thoughts pattern came in fact from them and not me. So that was interesting.

Then one day out of the blue, around halloween, a lot of deceased people came around me and were starting to use my field as portal to pass on to the other side.

Guides and beings around me were talking with them for the procedure and all and I was like ???????????? Ok so I tried helping but you know nobody gave me a manual ? And I had to control my thoughts because everything was happening telepatically but I never properly learn so I let things slip up like "I'm sorry you are dead" to people who didn't even know they were dead so they got distressed and I was ? Fuckkkk. Honestly it was a mess and too much for me for a first time so after a while I said stop to all of it I said I didn't want to do it right now maybe take it one step at the time but then things got messy.

Low dimensional beings followed me around for weeks and started harassing me about responsabilities and I tried not to be scared but didn't know how to deal with it on a daily basis ?

So I went to a friend of mine who teaches all sort of spiritual fields who knows a lot about beings (he wrote books and all) and asked him for advice.

So he told me that I couldn't fight it and that I had to "take them" one by one to see what each had to show me about myself to work through. He told me to be firm.

Except there were 15 of them. I was like ok I can TRY I mean what choice do I have ?

So I was at my house sitting by my kitchen table and I asked them to get in line and to patiently WAIT for me to see them one by one.

(oh yes because each of them were eating bits of my energy and I could feel it the 15 at the same time so that was a ride)

So at first they got in line but some of them were terribly angry (I may have said some words at some point I mean they were fucking hurting me who can stay still and say nothing ?)

So I tried. When the third came the others lost their tempers and they all came at me at once.

In the mess my witch twinflame came in the mix (and she was pretty terrifying) so what did I do ? Obviously ? I started fighting. All of them.

How ? I don't even know. I did everything I could think of. Salt baths, prayers, mantras, I went to a guy who sends them off somewhere, I tried lightlanguage (SO VERY BAD IDEA NEVER EVER DO IT) because I thought it was coming from my heart so like a disney movie everything would be alright again. (I promise I really believed that haha I didn't know what to do) but in fact it was like an incantation but I didn't even know. So it was like magic. So I messed up without realizing what I was doing.

I wanna laugh know.

Sooooooo when I realized it wouldn't work I went back to my friend and he managed to get "rid of them".

For a moment.

But no it wasn't the end at all it was only the beginning.

I got a day or two to breathe and then well I don't know who the fuck came (the witch was there) but there were it seemed like many, MANY beings coming.

What did I do ? Well fight obviously because I never learn.

Ok so picture hell right now (I don't even believe in hell ffs) well it felt like I was there.

They talked all at once saying terrible things about me. They knew EVERYTHING I once believed or thought or wanted to do. They were doing a sort of game of fighting with me when every other minutes another being would pop up and come fight me.

My auric field ? My chakras ? A mess. I FELT PHYSICAL PAIN. How just how I didn't know it was possible, is it because I believed it ? Perhaps.

Anyway that's when I lost touch with reality completely.

Completely. It turned in some sort of psychosis schizophrenia you name it but it wasn't regular spiritual stuff I was completely off touch with the ground.

So much that I felt my auric field kind of leave ? LEAVE ? Like go up into the sky.

I tried to stay here I tried. I stayed one entire day near a tree to try to stay grounded but it wasn't enough it was SO INTENSE.

Like a bad bad spiritual fever.

Obviously in my stupid fight I tried once to raise my frequency ? Because why not ? Idk. But it attracted MORE beings but high frequency this time (with some ETs that weren't nice AT ALL)

Ok so began weeks of torture of all kinds. All kinds. Mind games. Physical pain. Delirium.

They indeed used me as portal to make enter bad things into this dimension. And I couldn't even control it. They were using my emotions.

When I had an emotion like sadness, some terrible being entered through my own field (how is this even possible I don't know). So they were torturing me but I was trying not to feel not to make enter anything, and I had to control my thoughts because at the same time they were all tricking me to make contracts.

Yeah contracts. I didn't know but apparently that's a thing in some realm. Soul contract.

Apparently they got to use me as portal because of a contract. Ok ok so WHY NO ONE TELLS US THAT WE MADE CONTRACTS BEFORE ENTERING THIS EARTH AND WHICH AND WHY NO ONE TELLS HOW WE MAKE THEM (apparently a single thought was like "I sign !!! " when ??? No ???)

So I made so many contracts without knowing that some contradicted each other. It made absolutely zero sense at the end.

Anyway.

So the one of the most terrible thing was that one being.

Because I actually saw with my two eyes it's shadow on the wall falling down from the ceiling (he passed through me). Then, he began torturing me. Like it felt like it was eating my brain. A real life horror movie.

But he did that you know how ? In a time loop.

I REPEAT, IN A TIME LOOP.

You must think I'm mental lmao but I'm not joking.

I experimented a real life time loop.

It's real, it exists. It's like in the movies.

I relieved the same torture scene over and over again for... How don't know how long ? It's even difficult for my brain to comprehend. There was no time.

I got off the time loop when I realised there was one. I got out of my room the second I realise there was one.

To this day I have no words. No words.

???!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!

WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL WAS THAT.

Ok so the concept of time we understand and then when you ascend there is no time because you are always in the now moment that's something you can grasp in your mind but THIS. This was some next level bullshit us humans shouldn't experience. This should not happen. This is ?? Not ?? ok ?? Not natural. We're not in a sci-fi movie ffs but apparently yes I got stuck in a torture time loop thanks.

Jesus CHRIST I still can't believe it. Did I hallucinate ? It sure didn't feel like it.

Anyway so that was a thing.

So as you can see it got way too much, waaaay too much and I decided to got to the hospital because I was having chest pain and so much stress I was about to faint ?

But they couldn't find anything. So they advised I go to psy. I went out of despair ? I did 29377382 holistic therapy that helped a bit but seriously the beings were still torturing me and being in my head 24/7 so I thought I had nothing to lose.

What a terrible mistake.

I was locked up in a room with nothing but myself and this nightmare.

Those 4 days were interesting to say the least.

I got spiritually raped multiples times stopped praying after a while.

I begged. I asked for help. I prayed everyone and everything I could think of. I tried protection stuff.

Nothing really worked there were too many of them and I was like a little lamb unknowingly giving away my light and serving as portal for those creatures.

Joy.

I couldn't even cry because another terrible being was coming everytime.

They broke my mind. I broke my mind. I lost touch so much I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.

They brainwashed me, reprogrammed me. Used the subconscious for reprogramming so yeah apparently that's another thing.

You know when you are trying to reprogramm yourself for manifesting for example well reminder that other consciousnesses can do it to you too so you have to be EXTREMELY aware of what's yours and what's not.

It was a huge thing to make me do all sorts of stuff but since I could tell the difference it didn't work because it's something I learned beforehand.

The key is not believing it and it's even easier when you know it's not from you.

Their programms are still in me today they pop up from my subconscious mind sometimes but since I know they are not mine I live with it for now.

So they were trying to get me to say yes to something (I think it was for posession) but I kept saying no over and over again.

ET's/lightbeings did stuff in within my brain (and I never would have thought I would see the day when I would be saying this, so this is my life now apparently ok)

Anyway. I'm not describing in details because it's too long and honestly I don't want to relive it again once was enough for a lifetime.

I was broken so was my mind and my heart and everything.

I had no options for it to stop, I wasn't even fighting anymore I was just trying to make less damage and not let enter anything else. But it was no use I didn't control anything. My field was a mess everything was blocked there were leaking all over and well I didn't sleep for days and my energy was very low I made 22927354 contracts, was raped, reprogrammed, experimented on and all of this within a single fucking month.

I didn't see any other choice than to take meds.

To numb the clairaudience and clairsentience.

I knew it wasn't a solution and that it wouldn't make them "go away" but at least I didn't have to feel or hear anything consciously.

It's difficult to write about it honestly but it makes me a bit happy to be able to share and not keep it all to myself.

So I took meds for 2-3 weeks and it numbed the clairs but I could still feel it and hear it a tiny bit I knew it wasn't gone. But I got time to heal a bit and get my mind clear again.

I did a quantum healing session with a wonderful lady who saw everything that happened, knew about my with sister and everything she did a tremedous work where she got rid of all the contracts, removed the ties with some entities, spoke to me about the time loop (so yeah apparently that's a real thing for real ? Wow) and did some work about my twinflame witch sister (she cut the cord we had where we needed to reincarnate together and she left my field to go back to be incarnated if she wanted). I had a sigil of magic on me I didn't even know about. Probably from a past life or from my witch sister. Oh and apparently those beings put me implants. Etheric implants yeah apparently that's a thing. Because everything that I was feeling in my clairs felt real but I KNEW that something was off. Something felt.. Like unnatural.

I was right.

Idk who but someone put me an implant to modify my perceptions, so my clairs ! What I was feeling/hearing/seeing may have not been the actual truth of what was happening. AND I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS OFF. But still IT'S MAD THEY CAN DO THIS. They can implant things to modify perceptions ??? Who the fuck did I attract ?? What kind of lightbeings ? It's INSANE.

So the lady got rid of some of them but not all, we scheduled another appointment on friday but this woman gets month of waiting list because she's the real deal I'm thinking of taking a class with her but anyway. We managed to close me as portal. I am not a portal anymore, yaye ! 😐

Things got a bit quieter afterwards.

That was super nice.

I got to breathe but I was still heavily traumatized like someone coming back from war, always stressed than anything will happen you know it took me a week or two to let my body relax for a second.

I quit the meds a week ago.

I don't want to put my head into the sand and not face anything. I knew my clairs would be coming back but I have a new approach now that I have my head a lot clearer and I am slowly getting back to myself.

I decided first not to fight no matter what I hear or what I feel. I know not all the implants are gone so my stategy is to remain calm. I still feel some weird things over my head energically since I quit my meds beings came back to taunt me a bit but I didn't response.

I learned that with all that I became some kind of medium actually. It wasn't intended but ok. So my new techique, instead of meditating to get to higher states of consciousness or other realm or inside myself I meditate to stay right here right now. I use mindfullness to stay in the now moment. It allows me to hear less since my attention is on the touch or my real eyesight.

Staying present. Staying present. Staying present.

I have no other choice. Otherwise the minute my mind goes somewhere else I have thoughts and people answer my thoughts. I am never alone in my head anymore and I honestly don't know how to deal.

I still have the repetitive thoughts of the programming. But it's getting quieter when I don't think.

So I don't think and I don't listen.

It's extremely difficult but with training I believe I can do it.

I can't really apply the ascension process anymore in the way people put it because for me it's a bit more complicated now I can't even really think.

So Imma try to stay right here right now and see how it goes.

Get rid of the remaining implants. That's it.

Proctecting yourself is useless. If you take a hit you take a hit. The bubble of light isn't enough.

There are things out there more complex than we think. I almost killed myself but I am still alive so I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ? They can't kill anyone unless you let it happen.

The trauma is there but I'll get over it.

I was a victim but I won't take this from a victim pov, I attracted this when I blindly trusted any being passing because they seemed nice and from the light.

I did everything from the book, never did anything weird, always stayed in the light, controled my thoughts to remain as much as possible positive, did the protocoles of protection and what did I create ?

Chaos. And pain and suffering.

So guess what I think there's nothing to control if stuff happens it happens. This much pain was hard to accept at the time but I will get there for it not to get stuck I don't want to repeat this again I think I learned my lesson.

Now I'm enjoying the sensation of my couch under my fingers and listening to the radio and looking by the window to the plants outside. I feel a weird thing over my head but try to focus on the sunlight outside not on this thing and focus my consciousness on the ground under my feet.

I think it's my life now but it's ok. I still get to see what's right in front of me. It's often nice especially when there's sunlight.

Thank you if you read, you are even madder than me.

I'll see how it goes after the implants are removed.

Maybe I will feel less weird stuff ?

Meditate they say, go beyond the veil they say.

Maybe what's already there is perfect enough and it's ok if we don't do it and we go slow and we don't unlock everything and not open every chakra ? And not try to connect somewhere and just stay right here ? Being fully present ?

I think it's ok. Let's enjoy the sunlight for a while.

✨

#ascension #spirituality #indigo children #clairvoyants #clairsentience #clairaudience #telepathy #spiritual journey #Starseed #lightworker

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wishingfornever · 6 years

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9/10/17 – Heavy Contact: Perpetual Slumber

I crave… so much. I crave you, I crave sugar, I crave alcohol… right now, I just want to indulge. I’m so hungry. T-T

It’ll be worth it. When I’m not fantasizing about fitting an entire cake in my mouth, I’m thinking about the dream children we had together. Isn’t that fucking dumb? It sounds dumb, even to me. I mean, let’s be honest: I’d be the world’s greatest father. Nothing wrong with my fathering abilities at all. You’d be somewhat mediocre, obviously. ;) Kidding, kidding. Still, it’s weird. Cynthia. Such a strange name. I’m not sure how I’d feel about it as a name. It’s kind of blunt, not very fluid. CynTHia. I don’t like that “Th” sound. Maybe there is some sort of cute pet name that would be more sufficient. I don’t know why but my dreams have been more… vivid as of late. I try to pay attention. I don’t think they mean anything, I mean Las Vegas could never flood. I’ve been there. The communist thing in Paris might be symbolic but it’s kind of… meh. I don’t think they mean anything but the cat having a voice and then sort of possessing you was super scary. Btw, it’s currently 12:05. Been writing since midnight struck so, yeah. Hi again, it’s me basically from the same day.

Whatever… Jer and I will be talking to each other tomorrow via voice chat. Or today, I guess. I want to get some writing done, so I hope I will. I’m going to try and finish it to the best of my ability. I’ll have Jer read it, but the thing is he can’t edit it if he reads it unless I’m there. It’s not hands on. Worse yet, my grammar is probably the best among all my friends.

That sucks. If I have to rely on someone I know to edit, they’ll be inferior to my own designs. And I will be biased because I can miss my mistakes. There is no justice in the world. I think I’m going to cave and just grab something to eat; hopefully something small and light in calories. After the food from Mazatlan Grill, I am pushing it for calories. But, it… should be healthy. Healthier, at least. Thing about Mexican food is that there are a lot of veggies. That’s why it was considered a gift from god by the pope, because it has all the food groups and is relatively balanced and super delicious.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck, I’m hungry. Brb

You won’t be able to guess what I found in the fridge. Unless you do. Not the point! The point is, I found MEXICAN FOOD!!! Like there were several tacos, fully loaded with big tortillas. I just grabbed one and slapped in the microwave for 2 minutes and left with that, a banana, and a bottle of water. It’s cool because we were just talking about how great Mexican food is. There was sour cream, no cheese. Also beef. So, I assume it was relatively high in… CALORIES!!! Yeah, that happens. Banana was good. Super sweet and I might get another one.

I feel so much better. I’m trying not to pig out, but food is just amazing. So is this water. Everything just tastes better right now. Thanks, Cynthia. ;)

You know, it’s occurred to me that you may be reading this and be thinking to yourself, “Ooooooh, I see. You’re crazy, huh?” It occurred to me when I started this. In reality, this has helped me cope. I never understood why people had journals but it’s sort of relieving. Then again, I intend for my journal to be read.

A little ironic, my book began as an After-Action Report (AAR) which is basically RP updates about your game. My character was… Diego! Go figure. It was part of this mod for Mount and Blade: Warband. This mod is based in 1809 (a year after my book starts) and I was playing in Prussia. Diego will be going to Prussia. And, of course, he had a JOURNAL and that’s how I did the AAR. It was pretty popular. He was sort of a cynic which is what I plan to have him become in the second book. Spoilers, btw. All the characters were made there. Some had different names like Sarvar but same general concept. Atlas was supposed to be evil-ish. Avdotya didn’t stray too far from her source material. It’s ironic, eh?

Oof. Might have pigged out a little bit. Grabbed myself another burrito + banana + water. I feel so stuffed but I’m sooooooo happy. I’ll make up for it this week. It was loaded with bellpeppers and onions. But this had beef… and cheese. I might have thrown it together and gone a little bit too deep. Kinda regretting not exercising yesterday, but I was a little saddened by your response.

Not your fault; I just wasn’t ready for it.

You, know, I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a political book detailing all the dumb crap the US does. It’s bound to sell if it’s “edgy” enough. Maybe I’ll do that instead of the second book… Of which, I need to change the order around. Sarvar is now third and Atlas is second. So, the next book will begin with Atlas’s story. It’s better chronologically and it’d probably have far more action and will be before Atlas begins to shoulder everything.

That said, the sweat pants I have. Gonna wear them and exercise today. Those pants though were given to me by Daniel. Again, super nice guy. He was talking about a few dark things yesterday and sort of hinted. I hope you’re keeping an eye on him.

So, I see you left Regional Alliance for the Communist Bloc. Which is interesting. During the second nuclear war, I made a few allies within their ranks. Unfortunately, you probably think I kicked Dennis because I was being petty. Maybe. However, someone noticed his currency was child pornography. Thus, in order to save face I took it upon myself as the most vocal communist state to ban him.

I notice he’s in the Communist Bloc as well… You’re making a bad decision siding with Dennis. Really bad. Not just in NationStates but in general. I noticed you’re still online. I’m going to probably upset you, but I’m going to ask why you’re siding so much with Dennis. I see you’re online, so I dropped a message. I wonder what he’s been telling you. He betrayed me, a friend of 12 years. What makes you think he’d stand by you? You know he lies. He’s admitted it. Is it because you feel sorry for him? Is it because you’re angry with me? I guarantee, you won’t be happy with him. My dad kicked me out for a little while before I went to Texas the first time. Dennis isn’t exactly the most hospitable. If you think I was inactive, you’re in for a treat. If you think him going to the gym with Daniel is evidence of anything, it’s because of Daniel that he goes. Without Daniel, he’ll have no drive. But, I’m not concerned. I know you’ll see this and I know you’ll be disappointed again. I’m not sure you’ll come back because you might fear “I told you so.” I wouldn’t bring it up if you did come back, however, so don’t harm yourself further. If you need help with Dennis, then ask me and I’ll help. Of course, I have no respect for him right now. I’ve began to recall all the SHITTY things he’s done to me, Daniel, and Shane. I’m bitter and I’m biased, but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant. I know how he is. He’s a piece of shit. You’ll see for yourself soon. I’m not even mad.

I do want to revisit what he told you. It horrifies me that he was able to turn you against me so easily. Admittedly, I wasn’t the best boyfriend but I wasn’t the worst boyfriend. I was inactive. You said it yourself; I felt like a roommate. I wasn’t mean or cruel to you but you made it seem like I was. I trust this is because Dennis told you that I’m ready to throw down at a moments notice or some shit.

I’m more into verbal confrontation than physical confrontation. I don’t need to raise a fist, but I’ll defend myself. I told you about what happened in Texas. I defended myself each time. That’s basically the only two fights I’ve gotten in in my adult life. Not that bad, all things considering. The reason for each was too much partying. It wasn’t even me doing the partying for both, I had just gotten off work and came back to fucking drama.

That’s something I wish you weren’t doing. Partying too much. I probably won’t stop you from drinking and smoking pot, but I’m not going to endorse it.

You do have a really skewed image of me. Deny it if you want to, but it’s true. One of the most traumatizing things since this happened were your wide and confused eyes. You thought I hated you? Who gave you that idea? Me, sitting by myself hating life? Or was it perhaps Dennis? Then you thought I was going to hurt Dennis? You thought I was going to hurt you?

I have a temper, but it’s mostly benign. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it, but I’d never hurt you out of anger. I’m not sure I could hurt Dennis either, and I hate him. Like, literally, as far as I’m concerned the bridges are burned. But I wouldn’t hit him. Except when I met him when I came back from Texas the first time, but I didn’t hit him hard. It was a surprise. We hugged afterwards. Again, I never hated Dennis until he turned you against me. I never hated Daniel, either. I never hated Shane. I don’t hate many people.

I want to offer you an invitation to Adela’s. Honestly, I don’t know what you’re going to do. You made it seem like Texas wasn’t an option anymore. But, whatever the case, you can still come with me. You can have window and I’ll try to give you your space. I’ll try not to talk much. I didn’t want to message you today or yesterday but idk. Something told me I should reach out. I blame those weird dreams.

I’m going to be more active, I guess. I’m going to try to not mention how bad I feel or felt when talking to you. I’ll force myself to be cordial, sort of like what you said you were doing while we were in person. That still hurts, you know? I forgave you, though, so I’m healing. I just wish you knew what I forgave you for.

After this sentence, there will be 9585 words in this journal. I think that includes the number but I’m not sure. I’m not going to talk about Dennis anymore in today’s entry, so please keep reading.

I couldn’t get much sleep after that dream. Have a lot of time to think. Cynthia was such a little brat. Very annoying. Could totally be your daughter. Same shade of hair, with oversized pink glasses. Honestly, I feel if we did have children they’d have darker hair but who knows? Our dream son was only a toddler. Like, either he couldn’t speak yet or he was shy. Had dark hair and a bowl cut. Also a nerd.

Hopefully, if we do ever have children, they’ll have my eyesight. I know you don’t want them but it’s hypothetical, so why not imagine? Remember how we were talking about names? Avril was one I was really big on. I guess you convinced me to go with Cynthia. Not sure how, but you did it. Probably put it in the contract while I wasn’t looking. We should probably have a witness when we sign it, just to ensure both our safety. If we do redo the contract, we’ll have to avoid intentionally hiding certain topics. It was fun for the earlier contracts, but I want us to get serious again. Hopefully we will be. I’d forgive Dennis for everything if it meant another chance at being your boyfriend. Not just friend, but boyfriend. Otherwise, wouldn’t be worth it. A friend would have helped our relationship, not profit from it. Thus, we’ll need to get back together before I can forgive him again. Look at that. I said I wouldn’t talk about Dennis but I did anyways. Really, it’s more talking about us. His involvement is moot. Still, said I wouldn’t mention it. It’s frustrating. No more after this, I promise.

It’s weird that you needed space from me. I mean… you had all the space you wanted. Again, super inactive roommate. That’s one of the things that has baffled me about this entire affair, but if you need it you’ll get it. I want to work with you. Of course, it’s hard to measure progress while you’re away.

What really upset me was it felt like you were making excuses to not finish things. Like… it was supposed to be Thursday for you to do all these things. Then Saturday. Then Wednesday. I was prepared for you to take your things, but you kept postponing. I thought I did something wrong because we weren’t talking. I should have trusted you, but… it’s hard. I felt like I was doing something wrong and I didn’t know how to improve on it.

I said a lot of very hurtful things, iirc. I did hurtful things not just to you but to me. I suffered from temporary insanity. I’ve never been this hurt about anything before. Like… I strangled myself. I hit myself so hard, I left bruises. Of course, hole in wall… I was just feeling hopeless and that there was no one I could turn to.

I feel better now. Been using this journal to vent. And I have Daniel. Sometimes Shane. Jeremiah has been more available. Like… my life shattered but things are getting placed back together. A bit slowly for my tastes, but I’ll work with it. I’d do anything to get you back in my life. You’re the final piece. You complete me. It’s hard to get put back together when you’re so opposed to be that final piece.

I think if we got back together, I’d be more protective. Probably more anal about things. You’d probably call me “Andrew” but I wouldn’t care. I’d be livid if you were to cut yourself. You tell me, “Oh, I just needed to” and I won’t accept that as an answer. Learning that from you but mostly learning that because you tend to not say what you mean directly. You’re afraid of confrontation and I forgot about this. Therefore, you made our break sound vague. You flatout lied about it. You hid your cuts from me and then blamed me when it seemed like I didn’t care.

I care. I always care. The first time you cut yourself, I kept to myself. I wanted to cry, really. I wanted more substance but all I got was “I needed it” and that is a half-assed answer.

After how you treated me… yeah, I’m not surprised that I thought you hated me. Put yourself in my shoes. Just for a minute. Consider how you’ve made me feel. This entire time, I’ve placed myself in your shoes and I’ve tried to reach out. I thought I was doing what was best, but you did need time and I didn’t give it. When I try to fix something, it becomes my project. Sitting around waiting… well, it makes me depressed. Not sure you noticed. That said, I don’t feel like you’ve been very empathetic. I’m probably going to exercise in a bit. It’s 7:36 so it’s pretty early. It’d make up for me pigging out last night and yesterday. Normally, I pig out because… DEPRESSION, go figure but this time I guess I was just super hungry. And Daniel was paying, so free meal, amirite? ;)

The girl I was flirting with. I basically stopped talking to her after I spoke to you on skype yesterday. Kinda feel bad. I’ll message her again later today, but it’s not right for me to put people to the side because I’m feeling moody. If anything, I learned that from how I treated you.

I know I said I was going to exercise, but with minimal sleep, I might try to rest and then exercise when I wake up. I know, making excuses but it’s cold and I’m feeling tired. I wish you were here. A cold bed is best spent with a warm body. And frankly, there are none warmer than yours. <3

Cheesy flirt, I know, but you said I should flirt more with you. I did but you didn’t notice. So, now I have to be ultra obvious. Like, SO obvious. It’s not so bad. Cheesy is good; too bad it’s not going to be a part of my diet soon.

Anyways, I’m going to get some rest. You’ll probably message me in about two hours and I won’t message you until four probably. I’ll try to wake up sooner. I miss you. I love you. Talk to me soon, yeah? Good night (or morning). You’re beautiful. <3

Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind I guess. It happens. Maybe when everything is over I’ll be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time. As I was saying, you’re welcome to come with me to Texas. Don’t even need to stay at Adela’s. We can drop you off at Shane’s the next day, if that’s alright. Thing is, we’re waiting for the hurricanes to pass and for the flooding to clear. As soon as that’s done, I’m getting a ticket and I’m out of here. With or without you.

I miss our relationship in Adela’s. You say I was always on my computer but what I remember was us doing dishes together, running around the neighborhood, doing little things. I miss that. Here? Can’t do that here. It’s a black hole. I hate it here. My sister didn’t come over yesterday, btw. It’s nice because she’s such a hassle. My dad can be too but he’s been rather impartial. My mom has been super energetic and supportive. I think she misses you, but I won’t ask her. Not yet.

I’m glad you haven’t deleted the blog yet. To me, that means there is still hope. Or you pity me enough to leave me my last bastion. Whatever the case, I’m glad. I check it everyday. I reload the page several times a day, just to check if it’s still there. It helps. You said you had it so when I broke up with you, I’d feel bad.

I impulsively click on Skype to get here. To write in my journal, I think “Click the blue!” Reason for this, if I had to guess, is because the journal is specifically targeted to you and right now I have several messages sent to you over Skype. I don’t think I’ll accidentally send you any journal entries but it’s amusing. I hope you’re willing to chat.

I hope these hurricanes pass soon. No offense, but I need to get away. Nice neutral territory, you know? Adela’s a nice person. Even if you broke up with me and insisted to never see me again and also set my hair on fire, she’d still meet up for bubble tea. People like you. She loves you. Adriana loves you. Everyone loves you. I love you the most, though. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have tried so hard. Of course, it could be said I’m trying now. Except I’m not trying, this is me coping. Whether you read it or not, it’s hard to say but I know it’s been helping me. Maybe I should keep a journal more often. Except instead of a journal about you, it’ll be a journal for me. And instead of me consistently updating like I have been with this one, I’ll actually do the end of the day update like I wanted to do. Maybe I should get you a journal… Your birthday is right around the corner. I want to get you something.

Soon. Probably won’t do Christmas. Thing is, for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I’m going to be all by myself at Adela’s. Not a bad thing, but I don’t know how I’d fare. If I slipped into a fit of depression, I might not be able to handle it by myself. :/

Don’t consider that as me wanting you to be by my side during those events. I know Shane is taking you somewhere for Thanksgiving. It’s not an invitation (though if you really wanted to stay with me, I wouldn’t say no). You don’t need to spend the time with me and you don’t owe me anything. I’m just talking my mind. That said, I remember last Thanksgiving. It was just me and Max and I stayed in the guest bedroom. I kept to myself and didn’t eat anything that day. Christmas was a bit better because Adela was there, sort of. We went to that party where I got drunk and played blackjack.

My hair was longer then. I’m surprised it’s taking this long to grow out. Normally it’d be longer. I’m getting older… or I’m more stressed. I miss feeling your fingers run through my hair. It’s soothing. Everything about you is soothing. I should have appreciated you more. Well, I know better now.

I think the day after Thanksgiving, I went to go get Whataburger. Might have walked. Can’t recall. I usually do fast food when I’m depressed. Probably why I gained SO much weight… that and I’ve been inactive. I gained 80 pounds. EIGHTY pounds. That’s a lot. I feel so disgusting… Whataburger was good though. I’ll miss it while I’m down there. Because it’s so close yet it’s totally forbidden. If you and I go out, we’ll have to get Subway. And my sandwich won’t get cheese. I’ll force myself to only eat half and save the rest. Thing is, I eat fast. I really need to slow down. I try but… eh. I really need to be more aware when I eat. I guess I’m like a shark. I just see food and get into a feeding frenzy. RAWR!!! IMMA SHERK!!! GIVE ME UR FISHIES!!! Except for Moshi. Moshi is friend; not food. I miss Moshi. I wake up and look over where she used to be and feel… disappointed. She was literally the reason I woke up in the morning. I’d go back to bed, but it gave me something to do. I really need to start exercising today. But I’ll do that later today. Thinking about Texas… the first time. Before we met. I had a TV, cable, faster internet, Ahnassi… I wanted to come back though because there was no one I hung out with in Texas. Didn’t have any friends or family because my brother moved to Oklahoma and left me there by myself. I was fine in my little apartment but my dad rushed me out. I didn’t want to stay, mind you, but I needed more time. I was saving up to afford to leave but my dad offered to pay for everything. Unfortunately, that means we only had enough to put in our trucks and nothing else. I left the TV, the TV stand, a table plus chairs… so much I left behind. I was charged for leaving stuff in the apartment. It was bullshit, the money I had saved went into paying off my bills from a place I wasn’t even at anymore. Worse yet, before I paid off one of them (cable bill) my dad said I shouldn’t. What would they do? Ruin my credit is what. Thanks, Dad. I know you’ve heard that before, but… Idk, I’m reminiscing. I was totally isolated then but I used to call my friends on this computer. I had the TV on in the background because it was nice to have. Usually Comedy Central because I needed the laugh. I think… that’s why I’m always on this computer. I didn’t used to be this bad, I just haven’t realized it. Christ, loneliness sucks. I didn’t expect to do so much self discovery with this journal.

I used to go out. I went to clubs but I stopped because I got tired of spending money on drinking. I used to go on dates with girls. I was really into the activist scene. I had a V for Vendetta mask and went to the Million Mask March. I want to again… I’d want to take you. Happens every November Fifth.

I feel… addicted to the computer. More than ever. I don’t even want to type on it. Right now, I just want to go to sleep but I can’t. Maybe the computer is to blame? Idk, maybe I should limit my use of the computer to when I’m only writing.

I depend on my vices a lot. I guess your pot is the same as my computer. You allow it, but you don’t encourage it. I guess you were patient with me. More than you should have been. If it’s alright with you, I might just talk about my past today. At least until I fall asleep or if you message me on Skype. Whatever comes first.

I graduated high school in the middle of a recession. It was so hard finding a job. I applied EVERYWHERE and my dad often drove me. I had a car, but we made it a little event. Unfortunately, he lives in the 60’s and 70’s. The way you apply for a job is different than it was then. The first job I got, I wasn’t even applying for. The Lumberjack used to be Black Bear Diner and I applied there and I was told they weren’t taking any applications. I was disheartened because I had applied to all these places and that was the last place I applied to. I was ready to go home with my dad when this short man with a gravelly voice stopped me outside. He offered me a job as a freelancer.

Basically, he worked construction with Walmart. Those shopping cart cages? I placed the little blocks on top of them. It was neat. I road on a forklift lifting a panel. That panel is where I stood. I also riveted down a lot of the isles and did other things. I enjoyed it and the pay was nice. Problem was it was at night so I slept during the day. I had this crush on this girl at the time… she’s married now, but we were close friends. I was just in the friend zone and couldn’t get out. When I have a crush on someone, I have a crush. I didn’t lose my virginity until later, of course. Not trying to talk about my love life (or rather, lack of). Talking about Walmart. The job didn’t last long. The guy I worked with eventually got into it with the dude who ran the Walmart and left. I never got my last paycheck, but I didn’t care. I had experience. Turned out, it didn’t mean shit. I’ll talk more about my job history tomorrow. In High School, I had a few crushes. Never amounted to anything. My first kiss was with this girl. Heather Harmon was her name. It was before I went to Credence (which is a continuation high school). There was this dance which I didn’t want to go to. I felt so awkward just being there. I was a Freshman and I wanted to go home. However, I was told by Heather’s friend that this girl in a curly blouse thought I was cute. I was like, “Oh?” and super surprised. I misheard her and thought she said something different from blouse. Don’t remember what I thought she said. All I remember is that I approached the wrong girl and said, “Hey, I heard you thought I was cute?” The girl looked at me, laughed, and said no. Ouch. What a bitch. I went back to where I was sitting, feeling even worse when Heather’s friend got back and brought Heather with her. Asked why I didn’t ask Heather out to a dance and I said I didn’t know she was who she was talking about. The friend grabbed a sleeve and reiterated blouse. That’s the thing, dances and clubs and all that dumb shit… the music is just too loud. Can’t hear shit.

Anyways, she asked me to dance and I said I didn’t know how. She said it’s fine, she’ll teach me. She dragged me onto the floor and we began dancing. I was dancing horribly but she seemed fine with it. Then the music cut to ‘slow dance’ music and we slow danced. In the middle of it all, she kissed me.

It caught me off guard and I was so surprised. But also happy. I enjoyed even the small amount of affection. She had to leave early, however, so left soon after. My mom eventually picked me up and I left too. On the way back, I saw her again, crossing the street. I didn’t really remember what she looked like until I saw her outside of the dance which was ironic. I was so surprised and caught in the moment that I couldn’t focus.

You’re probably wondering what she looked like. She was a bit on the heavy side but she had a cute face. Thing is, she liked to play the field if you know what I mean. She broke up with me once and I took it easy. Then we dated again and broke up again. Then she wanted to go out for a third time and I said no. She was a year older than me which I felt was odd. Sophomore dating a Freshman. That class politics, amirite? We were dorks. Basically grade school relationship in high school. Of course, I discovered several girls had crushes on me but I never noticed. I was always too focused on my own crushes to notice others. God, I felt bad about that. I didn’t mean to be so neglectful. I didn’t mean to be rude. I just didn’t notice. So, I probably could have lost my virginity sooner. Then again, I was a young republican for the longest time so I’m lucky I didn’t lose it later. Of which, I lost it in the back of my truck on that trail we were on a while back. It’s a good trail. Miss yooooou… <3

Anyways, the crush I had that persisted after high school. I was close with her family, but there was nothing that ever happened between us. She eventually moved away for college and I eventually moved to Texas. We still talked in my early days. I guess I stopped talking to her when everything started to go sour in my life.

Huh, I messaged her a happy birthday this year. I’m surprised, I didn’t wish ANYONE a happy birthday this year. Then the year before during the same month. Seems I commented on one of her posts and we discussed it in PM. Interesting. That’s life. She was very funny. Had a lot of problems though, sort of like you. Stop me if you heard this before, but her mother was a very abusive ultra-christian. I even went to church with her mother. I guess if I had a type, that’d be it.

I’m not sure why, but I’m drawn to girls with issues. Not because I want to feed off it but because I used to want to help. Remember me with that “You’re beautiful” thing? That’s not a flirt, that was me building your self-esteem. Remember how I tried to reinforce your self-esteem? I guess I’d be considered a white knight. At least, I used to be. Not so much now. I’ve been bitter and the last girls I were with didn’t seek help really. I was in it for the sex, not the relationship.

If I had to guess a physical type, I like your body but I also like curves. So bigger butt maybe. Boobs would be nice too.

Eh, I might not have a type. I feel so shallow thinking about it. You have the perfect body in my eyes, though. Not why I love you. If you were less attractive, I’d still be fond of you. I can look past looks, but I feel I’m letting go of a piece of my person. You can be an intellectual, you could be thoughtful, you could be compassionate, you could be reasonable… though, you’ve been less reasonable as of late. Just saying. >.>

Really, I like you. I like you a lot. Your body is great, but I can live without it. Sometimes, I think you’re too attractive because boys are always hitting on you. And, apparently, they made the flirting game increase in difficulty. Ah, fuck. -,-

I really want you to read this. I want to tell you about the journal, but it’s a surprise. You probably don’t want to talk to me right now, anyways. :/

A lot of memories today. I’m going to share the section about the first kiss. Literal copy and paste. However, more information will be here as opposed to as on Skype. I’m not sure how you’ll take it, but that’s alright. I remember! It wasn’t blouse. Heather’s friend said “Shirt” and I heard “Skirt.” Same concept, similar sound. It wasn’t blouse but shirt and skirt. Yeah, I can be a dweeb too. Nothing is sacred.

My parents are talking about me going to Texas. They talk loud because my dad is deaf. My dad doesn’t sound so keen and I’m not sure how my mom feels, but she’s supporting me on this.

My mom just came in and asked me when I wanted the ticket. She was a bit forceful. I guess she’s annoyed that I haven’t done anything and that I just want to leave. I’m talking to Adela. Her mom is coming up for her birthday which is early in October. I kind of want to get there after her mom leaves so I have that super comfy bed. Far better than this bed. Good memories of it, too. Because you were always on it. <3

Flirting. That was flirting. That’s something I miss. That one dream where you were possessed by that demon cat was fucking crazy but it was hot. You’re super sexy and I miss it. I neeeeeeeed it. Probably; men apparently need sex at least once a week for their mental health. I heard that from a co-worker and I’m not sure how true it is. I’ll admit, I’ve been mentally better so perhaps there is some truth to it.

Last time I saw you, I had actually hoped we’d have sex one last time. Unfortunately, I was a muttering whimp and couldn’t contain myself. I wanted affection over sex… how dumb am I? If you answered “Pretty dumb” then you’d be correct. I guess I wasn’t even in the mood.

I think I’d fair better in our next meeting. I’ve been venting! Without judgment, too! At least for now. And the first entry was pretty whiny but I worked through it. Could delete it, but that’d defeat the purpose of a journal. You write what’s on your mind. At least, that’s what I’m thinking. If not, at least it’s a placebo. Really, that’s the only pill I really need right now. Just gotta believe. And I believe in us. I believe we’ll get back together. Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s nice to believe. Faith is fun, eh? I’ve had this pimple on my nose. It was big and greasy. Couldn’t get rid of it with that tea tree oil stuff but I tried to pop it. Not much effect, it’s just scabbing now. I look like a rhinoceros right now. Big, fat, skin condition, rhino. Ugh… be positive. Anyways, the scab is annoying but it’ll heal soon. My cuts look like they’re going to be light scars but they’re subtle. Not my first scars but they seemed to cut the deepest, pun unintended. Again, I was just… so upset. Really should have started this journal sooner.

Anyways, I think I’m rambling now. I’m going to try to catch some sleep. It’s currently 11am and you’re still not awake. I’m not sure I’ll be able to. My eyelids are heavy, but my mind is super active. My dad wants me to take the garbage to the dump but they’re not open on Sunday. Maybe he’ll realize this. Anyways, trying again for sleep. I love you, Esther. I hope you’ve read this far.

Current time is 1:21pm. Still, no sleep. We had a pretty long conversation. You revealed a lot. I think you revealed that you’d never forgive me. Man, that hurts… Crying now. My heart… the muscle in my chest? It physically hurts. So much… I’m sorry I neglected you. I’ve changed, I swear.

I appreciate your honesty… it was blunt. I guess I needed to hear it. It’ll help me become a better person. It’s just… damn. Never have I hated myself more than I do right this very moment. It’s not that great to be me right now. I can’t prove to you that I’ve changed because there is no way to prove it. I’m fighting an uphill battle. You… really don’t want to see me.

The irony is… I still think you care. Might be wrong, but it feels like it. Maybe the voice I’m reading your statements is just more merciful than I allow to be read. I’d sacrifice anything for a chance to get back in your good graces. I wish I knew how to convince you that things would be better… If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still alive. So I’m safe, you have nothing to worry about. Of course, if you’re reading this that means everything after has already happened. It’s probably not even September anymore. So, yeah… right now, I guess you just have to trust I won’t do anything permanent. Good news for current you… I’m not messaging you from now on until you message me. I might message you before I go to Texas, but that’d be it. I think that’s worthy for an exception, no? That said, I guess… my journal entries are going to get longer. At least until I invest myself in something with a lot of time consumption. I want to message you every day. I told you about the journal. THE JOURNAL!!! I don’t know why, ruined the surprise… and you couldn’t care less. Or maybe you did care; you just didn’t show it. You have a better poker face than I do.

The way you ended it sounded like you were annoyed with me, however. “gtg” is probably unlikely. I would normally ask Daniel or Adriana to confirm if you’re going anywhere else. Thing is, I don’t need to. You are just tired of hearing me beg. And I get it… that’s the fucked up thing. I get it. Honestly, you deserve a prince to descend from on high and sweep you off your feet. I’m no prince, I’m just some asshole. I think I’d leave me too.

I’m going to try to go to sleep. Hopefully for the final time. When I wake up, expect me to talk about some dream where you were in a wedding dress and where I was in furs, beating things with a stick and speaking with only one syllable words. You were the best thing that ever happened to me… and I took you for granted. I want to make up for it. But I can’t… maybe I never will…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A

The light hurts my eyes. It’s currently 8pm. I think I got five hours of sleep. I say that because I posted on Facebook before I dozed off. It doesn’t matter.

I don’t feel good. I didn’t have any dreams and I woke up… physically numb. It’s hard to do simple things like move my fingers to type this. You won’t get to see it but I’m hitting backspace a lot. I went to the kitchen to get myself food. I was hungry before we chatted but I took a bite out of something my dad made and couldn’t finish it.

I have a banana and a bottle of water. I’m going to try to eat something and drink something. After that, I think I’ll go back to bed. Tomorrow has to be better than this.

Maybe it will be. I’ll have to go to the dump tomorrow. It’ll just be me going to town. Alone. I’ll then get a Subway sandwich. Alone.

It’s not as bad as it sounds… I think I need the solitude right now, ironically. I could always reach out to people if I need a friend. I’m okay. I’ll be fine. Despite how I feel now, I know we had a good talk despite it’s brash ending. Your Facebook nickname is “Still the Most Beautiful.” It’s dumb; not because you’re not the most beautiful but because you’ll never see it. You’ll see my nickname, which I cleared.

I think you’ve seen my post. Probably rolled your eyes and ignored it. It’s me venting. You’ve judged me VERY harshly in the past for my venting. I know you don’t think you did, but you have. You’ve been pretty unreasonable. I guess you’re trying to prove a point. If I were feeling better, maybe I’d guess what that point is.

It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters. I’ve accepted this.

You’re probably not going to read my journal. Going to be a lot of entries I can see… for what? Well, it calms me down and keeps me collected. Guess it’s not that bad.

You know, the link I’ve linked you… The Scientist by Coldplay. I’ve always liked the song but only now have I listened to the lyrics. I don’t just listen to the song… I feel it. It’s hard to explain but… I’m lost in the lyrics listening to the meaning. The music video is great too, btw. Not that I’ve been watching it. A lot of weird physics in it, though. Maybe you and I can watch the music video in reverse and I can show you sometime… heh… Anyways, I don’t feel like writing anymore today. I’m going to have a snack and then go to bed… again. I’ll talk more tomorrow, alright? I still love you. Good night.

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