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youbloodymadgenius · 4 years

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Over and over again (Modern!Ivar x reader)

A/N: Please, read the warnings!

This is for @a-mess-of-fandoms ‘s 400 followers writing challenge. The prompt I chose was: But I choose you, even when you’re not an option. This is the first time I've ever taken part in a writing challenge. Thank you 🌺

Ivar is significantly older in this one, in his early to mid-40s probably.

@inforapound: I know how much I owe you 💖

Warnings: smut, angst, fluff. Breast cancer implied.

Words: 1669

The gif belongs to @honestsycrets 💜

Light kisses…

Light kisses on your inner thigh wake you from a deep sleep. Dizzy, it takes you a few seconds to realize what is going on.

"Ivar…", supressing a yawn, you stretch lazily, "… what… what are you…"

"Shh… Don't talk my love. Just let me take care of you…"

Even if you wanted to, you don't have time to object as his hot breath against your clit and his fingers grazing your folds make you moan.

"Hmm... So good…"

You manage to say, arching your back while gripping the sheets, shivers running through your body. He stops for a moment. The darkness doesn't allow you to see his eyes or his features clearly, but you know that his piercing blues eyes are looking towards you and you're sure that a cocky grin stretches across his handsome face.

"That's all I want, my love… I want you to feel good…"

His husky voice sends chills down your spine and you can't help but giggle, feeling free and oblivious to everything from the numb pain in your upper body to the struggles in your mind.

"Shh… Keep quiet and don't move my love, I'm not finished yet."

Adding force to his soft yet bossy words, his left arm settles down over your belly, preventing you from moving, as he lowers his head once again. Immediately whining as his mouth finds your core, you gasp when his tongue licks your folds before twirling around your clit. There's no rush though, and no harshness. In the privacy of your shared bed, Ivar has always known how to be gentle when necessary, even if he prefers rough sex.

Still, since you've been discharged, gentleness has become his mantra, soft kisses on your cheek or in the crook of your neck, grazing fingers along your thighs, delicate words of love whispered in your ear… Sometimes you feel like a porcelain doll… The truth is that's probably what you are. And that is definitely what you need.

Gliding his fingers in and out from you, you can feel him smile against your thigh as he readjusts his position, faintly groaning. You should be worried about his comfort but you cannot, not when his fingers are working wonders.

"Ivar I'm…"

"Yes my love, let it go." Curling his fingers inside you, increasing the pace of his tongue on your clit, your fingers tangle themselves in his hair, clenching and unclenching, endlessly pulling his braids. Wrapping your shaking thighs around his head, your hands scratching at his scalp, you can't breathe anymore, stars blowing up in your head, tears filling your eyes. You come hard, shuddering, moaning, crying his name. Hopelessly.

Still slightly dazed, you suddenly freeze, barely able to talk.

"Ivar, what are…" His hard cock presses against your leg, his hand runs across your belly, up to your chest as your voice breaks. "Stop Ivar, I..." Your hand grabbing his arm, you beg him, swallowing before you can go on. "Ivar, no. I… I cannot…"

Placing his hand just above your navel, which he knows is a safe place, he speaks softly.

"I'm not turning on the light, you know that?"

"Ivar," you respond in a shaky voice, almost pleading, "you don't need your eyes to feel it."

Or the lack of it.

Moving you to tears, the thought makes you feel sick and you hiccup before freeing yourself from his grasp. You don't want to reject him but there's nothing you can do. You cannot. You cannot. You cannot.

Rolling on your side, curling up on yourself, you let your dark thoughts get the better of you. Ivar deserves so much better. You're not worthy anymore. You’ve denied him for so long, barely allowing him to pleasure you. He never complains. You'd like to, no you'd love to make love to him, again.

But you cannot.

You cannot.

Sobbing, you drown in self-pity, hating yourself for what you put him through, and for what you've become.

You can hear him shift in the bed and when he groans, you raise your head to look at him, sitting straight against the headboard.

"What's wrong, Y/N?" His soft voice stirs you up, making you cry even more.

Fighting the panic setting down in your heart and your head, you take a sharp breath. "You know what's wrong, Ivar. Look at you! Look at us! Look what I am doing to us! I know you, you're craving for more. And you have every right to. But I can't give you more and that's not fair. You deserve better, better than me. You deserve everything I can never offer you again. You deserve joy and happiness and bliss, and you deserve to cum and—"

His pointer finger grazing your lips, he shushes you tenderly. "It's not about me, my love. I'm fine. Don't worry, I promise I'm fine. For now, it's all about you. So please, talk to me and keep in mind that I love you, no matter what. You do know that, don't you?"

One of his hands strokes your hair and baby kisses brush your temple, overwhelmed with his love, you wish you could let go. But as much as you would like to, you cannot.

"I do. But sometimes love is not enough, Ivar.” Catching a half-choked and obviously outraged cry, you feel the need to explain, your entire body shaking. "Love is not pleasure, Ivar. Love is not sex. I cannot pleasure you. I cannot have sex with you. I. Can. Not. Not anymore." Your uneven breathing gives away your distress and you try pointlessly to steady it, inhaling deeply. "Look at me, Ivar. Look what I am. I'm a mess. This… this fucking disease stole my femininity, stole who I was. I'm no longer the woman you knew, Ivar. I cannot be this woman anymore. I don’t know where she is, and I don't even know if she will ever come back. I'm not sure. Now, I'm just an empty shell, Ivar. A scarred and broken empty shell."

Anger. That's what you expect. You know Ivar, and you know your words hurt him deeply. But you have to tell him. He must understand.

You cannot. You cannot.

But there's no outburst. No fist hitting the mattress. No tightening grip. There's nothing but silence for a few longue minutes. When he speaks again, it's with a quavering voice.

"What are you trying to tell me, Y/N? What does it mean, my love?" Fear and distress noticeable in his words, you know he doesn't really want to hear what you're going to say. But you have to. He must understand.

"You deserve a whole woman, Ivar, and not who I became; an ugly and misshapen body. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. How could you? How could you even look at me? Ivar, I'm no longer an option."

Your words exhausted you, drawing on what little strength you had left. Weeping and crying, you bury your head into your pillow, wishing you could disappear and forget.

Ivar has a different take on it.

"Come here, Y/N, please."

Whispering and softly grasping your arm, he pulls you close, resting your head on his chest. Too weak, you don't try to fight back, allowing him to do so. Wrapping an arm around your shoulders, he grabs your hand, putting it on his thigh.

You may be numb, but you know he's doing it on purpose. His thigh. His right leg. The worst. Scarred, bony, bumpy. Gruesome. Disgusting. Useless. They're not your words, they are his.

"You have no right to talk about yourself like that, my love." His firm tone startles you. "And I don't intend to hear any more of this nonsense."

"Ivar…", muttering, you wish you could argue, convince him, but he's talking again before you can collect your thoughts.

"No, my love. Now, you're going to listen to me. I wasn't an option. I couldn't be an option. Because of my temper. Because of my legs. Shit Y/N, I couldn't even walk when we met. A fucking cripple stuck in a fucking wheelchair because of his fucking repulsive and stupid legs! That's all I was. Nonetheless, you chose me. You did choose me, Y/N. I still can't understand why, but you did. And for that I'm grateful every day. You taught me love, Y/N. But most of all, you taught me to love myself."

Sighing, he gently kisses your forehead as you snuggle into his arms. "And that's exactly what I'm going to do now. I'm going to teach you to love yourself again, as much as I love you. Because you deserve it, and because you're everything I want. The disease took a lot from you, I'm aware of that. I won't deny it and I will be patient. I can wait, Y/N. I will wait. But fuck, my love, you're alive. And as far as we know, you're healthy. Your body is different, it's true. But it doesn't change anything for me. To me you're perfect the way you are. You're perfect how you are. You may not believe me but I choose you, even when you're not an option. Because I love everything about you. I love these tiny wrinkles in the corner of your eyes. I love your stubbornness and your bad faith. I love the way you laugh, even if it's too loud, I love that you always want to have the last say. I love your old stained, patched jumper you refuse to throw away, I love that you keep making sure I took my meds, even though sometimes it pisses me off. I love all your flaws, I love all your scars… As you love mine… And above all, Y/N, I love you for who you are, and not for how you look. I love you very, very much, more than my own life. And that's why I choose you. And I'll choose you, over and over again."

🛡⚔️🛡

@honestsycrets @lisinfleur @waiting4inspiration @gearhead66 @readsalot73 @hecohansen31 @saldelys

#ivar #ivar ragnarsson #ivar lothbrok #modern ivar #modern!ivar #ivar imagine #ivar the boneless #vikings #vikings imagine #breast cancer

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scribbles-spills-the-ink · 5 years

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3 AM |Luna x Reader|

A/n: All of my x readers contain a reader with a disability, sometimes the disability is important, other times it’s just an extension to the character. Abled bodied readers can still read/like/comment/ and reblog, of course.

Genre: Fluff!

Warnings: Light cursing, injured animal, mentions of blood, reader takes medication.

It was 3 am when my eyes shot open and I arched my back in pain. I cursed to myself as I grabbed at my frozen legs, and groaned when I realised there was no feeling in them. My labored breathing was one of the only sounds in the sparkling Ravenclaw dorm room, along with the light snoring and sleep talking.

I inhaled the chocolate mocha scent through my enchanted pillow, and sat up with a grunt. Then I rubbed my eyes through my tiredness, and admired the moonlight that was reflecting on various silver items, and the stained glass window.

As I downed 4 pills with the water on my bedside I stole a glance at Luna Lovegood, and my face warmed. Her flowy platinum blonde hair was sprayed over her flower scented pillow, and her arms were wrapped around the big white wolf plush I got her for Valentine's. I smiled as I wrapped my fingers around the cork charm she made for me. Damn did I love that girl, since my 2nd year. However, I could never work up the courage to tell her.

I sighed and tried to rest again, only to realize moments later that it wasn't going to happen. So I accioed my broomstick wheelchair over to my bed and slid into it. The chair hovered about 6 feet above the ground and floated over to the larger stained window.

I looked out the window and suddenly had a taste for some hot chocolate. Though I ignored it and continued to gaze over to the forbidden forest. As I admired the school grounds I saw the flutter of big, skeletal wings. It was the thestrals. My heart swelled, and I looked at the creatures that had brought Luna and I together.

However, the warm feeling faded when I noticed one of the thestrals wings never returned to its side, and it was stomping on the ground in panic. My heart ached as I watched it thrash around in agony, as it tried to free it’s captured wings. It was a fruitless effort.

I hurriedly grabbed my wand and floated out of the dorms, and out of the common room. The best thing about my chair is that, since it was floating, it didn't make any noise. I pushed forward the toggle that moved the chair forward, and looked around the corner for Flich or Ms Norris.

Once I realised I was in the clear, I sped down the steps, and to the entrance door. Though I had only cracked it open when I heard a cat's meows. My heart stopped, and I turned slowly on my heels.

Ms. Norris's red eyes narrowed into mine, and I racked my brain for a solution. Though my heart began to beat even heavier when I heard Filch's footsteps coming down the moving staircase.

Then I thought of something crazy, so crazy that it just might work. I mean, she's just a cat right? So, I thought of a cat toy, and tried to focus completely on the object I want to transform my wand into. Then, when I lifted my wand again there was a fuzzy end to it and bells.

I shook it and the bells jingled. Ms. Norris's eyes focused on the sound and pounced at it.

"Good kitty," I whispered as Filch's steps got closer.

I pulled my wand back, to pretend I was going to throw it, and then flicked it forward. To my joy, she fell for it, and I quickly slipped through the big doors just as Filch was at the archway.

I sighed in relief and pushed the toggle forward and the chair sped quickly across the grass which shimmered with dew. Past Hagrid's hut, which smelt of small flames. I noticed the lights were all off, and Hagrid's loud snores echoed through. Then into the forest where the thestrals cries where louder than ever, and more heartbreaking.

I grabbed my wand tighter and rushed toward the cries. My heart was beating widely but the sounds of the forest edged me on. From the howls of werewolves, and the hoof thumps of centaurs, my arms were covered with goosebumps.

But then I saw him, the poor thestral, whom since I last saw him, had been left alone by his herd. I rushed toward him, and carefully slid off my chair; opting for crawling rather than scaring him.

I approached him slowly and gingerly placed my hand on his nose, "It's okay, honey, I'm here to help." and stroked his head to calm him.

Once he had stopped thrashing and crying, I raised my wand to the vines that entangled his large wings. "Difindo!" I whispered.

A small light shot to the vines and a couple fell to the ground. I repeated this action a few times over until his wing was free and all the vines were limp on the ground. However, before I could let him fly off, I cooed him still, and held his wing in my hands.

My heart dropped when I noticed the large gash in his wings that was bleeding a dark red. I casted the ferula spell that expertly wrapped a gawse around the wound. Then, I took a couple vines and tied them each loosely around his neck which created a makeshift leash.

So the as frogs croaked, fairies hummed, and the huge trees creaked, we walked peacefully through the forest. I continued to stroke the thestrals muzzle as I tied him to the fence on Hagrid's garden. He neighed and pawed at the ground, which I took as a sign of thanks, and rubbed his neck before I handed him a piece of raw meat from the bucket outside.

"I'm glad you got here in time!" Exclaimed a sweet, dreamy voice that I instantly recognized.

"Luna!" I yelled as I turned the face the pretty blonde. "What are you doing up?"

She chuckled and I had finally noticed the multicolored patched jacket in her hands as she came closer. "I heard you leave, and when I saw what you were doing, I thought you might be cold."

Truth be told, I hadn't given the cold a signal thought, for I was too occupied with everything else. Now, however, I have taken notice of it. My arms were spotted with goosebumps, and my nose was freezing at it's tip. I wrapped my arms around myself and meekly said, "Maybe a little smidge."

Luna shook her head with a giggle, her hair swaying beautifully with the movement, and began to walk closer to me. I reached my hand out for the jacket, but instead she slipped the sleeves on for me and fixed the collar on me.

My face flushed as she let her dainty, princess like hands rest on my shoulders, and hoped it could be mistaken for the cold. Then she smiled with her brilliant blue eyes focused on mine. I never wanted this moment to end. I just wanted her to keep looking at me, like I was one of her day dreams that she would get lost inside.

I couldn't help but smile at her, and before I even realize what I was doing, I placed my hands on her waist. Though, when her eyes fell to gaze at them my whole body felt like it was on fire and I quickly removed them and backed away.

"I’m so so sorry, I shouldn't have done that!” I stuttered out and twiddle my fingers with my head down.

She giggled again, and I couldn't help but smile to myself. Her hands grabbed mine and brought me even closer to her than we were before.

"You're cute," She said so assurly with her hand now caressing my cheek. "but you don't have to be nervous around me."

"Well-" I gulped and went to hold her hips again but shyed away. "-I suppose I just get that way around certain girls."

"Yeah?" She kneeled down to my height, and her free hand rested on my thigh. "What kind of girls?"

What was I doing? I felt nauseous, not in a sick way, but in the way of all this happiness is bubbling in my stomach, and I don't know what to do with it!

"Um well... she's- they're! No, she's-” After stuttering like an idiot, I took a deep breath and said “-she's so ethereal, like she really did come from the clouds. She’s a daydreamer, whose eyes glisten in the moonlight, and she's so very confident in who she is. She loves to draw and paint, and she believes in everything, even the impossible."

I looked back up to her hesitantly, and swallowed my breath as I finished, “And all she has to do is look at me...and...I’m hers.”

Luna’s eyes softened, and her body was relaxed, and at rest. Her hand on my cheek fell to my hand, which she intertwined her fingers with. Her head was down, so I couldn’t see her expression. Among those things her silky hair fell in waved that curtained her face.

My heart was beating rapidly in my chest, and I wondered if she could feel my hand trembling in hers. My thoughts raced in a dangerous cycle of anxiety and embarrassment as I watched her think. Though, there were moments when seeing her tonight under the pearl shaped moon invaded my mind.

Like how her soft and sweet her lips must taste, or how her warm skin against mine felt like falling asleep next to a fireplace on a cold night. I recalled every adventure I imagined for us, like how much I would like to hold her in my arms, or fall asleep reading her favorite book. Oh, if only I could run away with her, I’d never look back.

"That sounds like you were talking about me?" Her voice was so soft I barely heard it. She has slightly raised her head, just enough to see her brilliant silver eyes that flickered with worry.

I swallowed a breath and pushed the hair that curtained her face behind her ear. How was it possible that there were stars, and moon above us; that there was a brilliant thestral behind us, and mysterious forest beside us, and yet she was more beautiful than it all.

"Of course it's you Luna," I chuckled and cupped her jaw in my hand. "Who else could it possibly be?"

"There's hundreds of boys and girls here, anything is possible." Luna’s eyes wandered to the ground. “Besides, I’m Looney Lovegood, and you’re...well…”

As she trailed off, I felt something spark inside me.

For a moment, I looked up to the sky and was mesmerized by all the stars. However, there was one that shined the brightest, and just like that, every thought dried. Because I realised, it was just me, Luna, and the stars.

I smiled and tilted her head a little higher, and tucked the hair hiding her face behind her ear.

“Hey, you said it first-” I brought my other hand up to cup her face. “-I’m just as sane as you.”

“And I love you, Luna, more than anything.”

Saying those words that had been trapped in my brain for 6 years felt like taking a breath of fresh air, but had no comparison to what came next.

Luna brought her hands up to pull down on the coat she gave me, pulling me centimeters from her face. One hand wandered to the back of my neck, while the other rested on my shoulder. I took a deep breath and held onto her hips, as she lifted herself on her knees.

Not a moment later, her lips were on mine.

I closed my eyes, and it felt like floating around in an empty earth with only her. I could feel her hand trailing up and down my back as our mouths pieced together like perfect puzzles. And I couldn’t help but smile everytime she hummed against my lips.

Kissing her, however, was better than I could have ever imagined. We were going slow, and her lips were light as she controlled our kiss. She tasted like birthday cake, and she smelt like the beginning of fall.

Slowly, she began to back away, though I wanted nothing more than to keep kissing her forever. I took a second to open my eyes, but when I did, it was because Luna’s hand rested on my cheek, and her thumb caressed my bottom lip. I couldn’t help but stare at her as she did this.

Then I placed my hand on top of hers, and turned my head just enough to kiss her hand. Then I intertwined our fingers and put our hands in my lap.

“I love you, Luna.” I said again, though this time with my head down.

But Luna hooked her finger under my chin and brought my gaze up to her. Then she placed a short peck on my lips, rested her head on my shoulder, and whispered:

“I love you more.”

#harry potter x reader #harry potter #hogwarts #luna lovegood #luna lovegood x reader #chronic night dreamer #luna x reader

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fuckyeahjennyhaniver · 7 years

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hey i really hope you're doing okay, your fans miss you and would love to hear from you

aww man :( I got this message however many days ago but ive been trying to figure out how to respond bc it breaks my heart and I feel so bad that ive just, like, basically ghostedthe truth is im more or less silent bc I just have no jh news. I don't know when or if ill get back to work on it bc I don't know HOW to get back to work on it bc sometimes im still not sure it's worth it. i keep hitting this mental/emotional block re: communicating w jh fans bc I feel like I owe yall news or updates on it, which I don't have, and I just keep failing to take into consideration that yall are invested in me as a creator and a person, too. the last time I said anything it was basically about what a shitty place I was in and it doesnt surprise me that my silence would have people concerned.so heres an update on just Me, since that's all I can give rn.since january, ive realized that teaching was Not for me at all. like I said back then, it was the worst possible thing for my mental health. I focused on my part-time job at the library, and eventually I applied for, interviewed for, and earned a more well-paying and even more rewarding job at another branch. it's still only part-time, which makes finances stressful sometimes (mostly bc I went several months barely making anything), but I genuinely love my new job, and im so glad ive found something that I can not only see becoming a career, but also that doesn't make me want to die when I think about it lmaomy mental health is much better but it's still kind of touch and go. my money situation means I haven't been able to go to therapy since last year. I still want to go back but I don't know when that will be possible.i also broke my ankle towards the end of july, and since I had to have surgery on it, ive been wheelchair-bound for a little over a month now, and I was on extended (and mostly unpaid) medical leave until this past week. so! more stress. but I have a lot of people helping me, so even though it can make me feel helpless a lot, I also feel genuinely loved, which for a long time was hard for me to accept.on the creative front im still playing a lot of d&d. i draw my warlock from my home game A Lot. if you want a look at my most active project, im playing in an actual play podcast called dungeons & lesbians (id link to it but im on mobile atm), which I do with Longtime JH Readers & My Girldfriendes mj "piratejenne" & fallon "@stinkard" "@americasburden" "@unremarkablism" and its a lot of fun!! we have 9 episodes and a q&a ep out so far. I play a vaporwave bard. hes gay its goodso!! that's where I am right now. like I said before I wish I could give an update on where jh stands but I just cant. but then again that's not what yall asked for. I need to remind myself of that.thank you for asking about me. it really means a lot to know that yall are still thinking about me. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, but a big problem in my depression & anxiety is worrying that people hate me or only tolerate me. knowing that yall care makes me feel not only like ive given you something meaningful, but that i am someone meaningful.-roy

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