bored. thoughts on literally all the dna stuff

jackie- "i can fix her"

hyunwoo-i kinda get weirded out by the power dynamic in the sheer idea but tbh. it's nice i think. i just want this boy to be a little happier, man

jenny-i am DYINGGG SHE BOUGHT A BAIENGIACA

xiukai:i cant believe that, to sissela, hed be the grandma who makes you feel like you need a second stomach once you visit. funny. he's 34 with the vibe of a 70 year old

aya-what are her thoughts on fentanyl. i wonder. btw it's always funny when someone goes "NO drugs. but alcohol is great". like mate thats just drug lite

alex-now i'm curious what his disease is even supposed to be, i don't recall anything about that. if it's just some sort of chronic fatigue thing then i'd easily say fuck it and headcanon POTS just because but. i'd like to know

leon: "don't bring gifts for me >:( i'm not a kid >:(" the repression is strong on this man

chiara:i think itd be funny to have an alliance where it's zahir, chiara and aya. impossible to understand a damn word. also "i can fix her" part 2

shoichi:you know how it's canon that chidi anagonye is buff because whenever he felt stressed he just did pushups

sissela:she likes strawberry. noted. also ngl i do find the thomas sissela dynamic sick now that i think about it. for a solid second i felt so mentally ill remembering that he brought her to the experiment because he wanted her to get actually cured and not be in pain

rio-i feel VINDICATED. every time. i want to put that "rio to yuki" voiceline on my forehead. they don't get along on such a fundamental level. they have not had a single good interaction. that's why i feel feral when i see anyone ship them, she hates himmmm. also the delivery is bad but in a way that's good because it fits her, she sounds robotic but it feels like it's just how she be OHSFKSDF SHE DOESNT EVEN LIKE DOGS!!! SHE ACTUALLY FUCKING HATES HIM IM LAUGHING

echion-"i see the hesitation in your fists" about hyunwoo is making me mentally ill. also "don't be pretentious" to magnus IS SO FUNNY. he really went "stfu i'm gonna hit you". the things i dislike is also extremely funny. this sign can't stop him because he can't read, guys. though, he sounds like hunter toh to me in a way that makes me like him by association now. past me is crying but current me thinks this mans is funny as hell

tia-im crying. "what's wrong with my hair (┬┬﹏┬┬)". danny boy roasted her so hard. that "can i draw you ◕_◕ " to jenny though. i see you

daniel-even daniel cant believe it when she says she's a doctor. the doubt in this man's voice. also it's so funny how he reads people for their appearance (like "your hair is a mess) and then with yuki he just roasts him for his personality. does he think that bowl cut ass hairstyle is okay enough to focus on something else

eva-"nah i don't feel like getting a haircut quite yet" as he definitely fucking SEETHES

bianca-"oh my god a fellow weirdo!!!". four person alliance between aya chiara zahir and bianca actually. impossible to parse a single word. and it's funny that she goes gentle on sissela (i assume she's too skinny, so) and with echion she plain goes "you have literally no body fat"

johann-YO????? i am mentally ill about that one for sure. johann is so about trying to be the sort of christian who doesn't suck absolute ass and the interaction that has with the extremely complicated relationship isol and rozzi have with church and religion is so interesting to me rn

laura-how did they get away with this "things i dislike" line. also the bizarre thought process i had with aya and laura is so vindicated. police officers are her favorite

aiden-he did not just "we're not so different you and i" her. his luke is funny as hell though. "you get paid to clean? 🤨" do i need to explain society to you???? he sounds legit confused. hKFJNSDKFJ THEY JUST SHOVED ALL THE FUNNY MEME LINES ON HIM HUH. IT'S NOT LIKE I LIKE YOU OR ANYTHING BAKA

elena-she and rosalio allying would be nonstop complaining. they'd either hate each other or be like soulmates. "i hate the heat but i hate the cold" "me too" and then a look of understanding

felix-he did not hit elena with the "you'd be prettier if you smiled". i like him but. girl freeze him. also confirmation that magnus does not use steroids. weird-ass way to ask though. what if he met a trans person mid transition? would he hit them with that exact line as the poor fucker is like "yeah???"

i hate the amount of EMPHASIS some people put on the nukes for tubbo. it being in his character design is really cool i LOVE the sort of art ive seen here and obviously its an important part of that arc, but specifically in regards to it being his whole personality the same way that people used to push the whole bees thing.

he and jack manifold invented them. tubbo does so much with redstone and machinery like that, any smp hes been on you can see him creating things like that, the aesthetic if anyone wants one can be so easily tied into mechanics and invention and the redstone and its SO much more fascinating that way.

personally i sincerely doubt c!tubbo would ever actually use his remaining nuke. its a dead mans switch. its a sign that if he REALLY needs something taken down, he can go down with it. it was created at one of his lowest points because after months and months and months of trying SO hard to fight with words or to solve things through politics, to just not be attacked or a target every day of his life, he learned that the ONLY way to keep his home safe was to have the best method of destruction out there. what happened to lmanburg took hours and hours and now tubbo could do it in seconds if he wanted to. 

his character does not want to resort to violence, he does not want to hurt people, and to do that? to have someone SO focused on words and building new hope from the remains of things he loved finally snap and use the amount of force in the nuke on another person or someones home? that wouldnt be a win, that wouldnt be some big incredible lore event, it’d be his lowest moment. it would feel like doomsday did. because even if it were for protection, and for good, he’d be destroying so fucking much with it. 

let c!tubbo literally commit murder if it comes down to it because hes FANTASTIC at pvp and narratively against characters like dream it’d be beyond fantastic and an actual victory! but leave the nukes capable of leveling land to literal bedrock out of it. hes not obsessed with his nukes, the only time i can recall him genuinely using them as a threat were with the syndicate (hopefully i dont have to go into how fucked up THAT whole situation was) and with quackity, neither of which times he actually showed any will to go through with it Beyond it being a bit of a threat. hes not obsessed, hes not about to level the server, he uses the fact that other people cant risk him being serious when he threatens them with their existence to keep his home safe.

im not about to preach the whole “never stoop to their level” thing because thats usually bullshit, but i think theres a huge difference between tubbo taking dreams last life (right, correct, incredibly justified narratively and feels very vindicating) and tubbo doing something like feeling so backed into a corner and threatened that he blew up himself and everything around him. it wouldnt be an explosion for fun, it wouldnt be empowering, itd be horrific. 

all of the happy ask list

if there was a door that went to a city that was a good representation of you, what city would it be and would you go through the door? o gosh. idk if theres rlly a city that feels like me bc i havent spent enough time in any cities to really get a vibe for them?? ? but i’d go through the door

sunsets or sunrises? both! i just like the pretty colors. i like sunrise better tho bc u have the whole day ahead of u 

are you an early riser? if not, is this because you stay up late? yeah i have to b for my job

would you dye your hair if you had the opportunity? why or why not? god im so tempted to dye my hair silver again or purple or smth i just wanna do smth with it bc it’s control ya kno. but i like my natural color so im resisting the urge

in what ways are you creative? i like to Draw

is there one music genre you can’t listen to? i hate country

do you write letters? if not, would you like to be? i write letters to u sometimes ! other than that i dont but i dont mind im not much of a letter person bc i never kno what to say bc its so permanent 

describe your perfect date: every date ive had w/u

what’s something that makes you happy? describe the first thing that comes to your head: you !!! also my cats

would you rather be inviting on a hike or a night out? im assuming that means invited or im reading that wrong rn but night out

describe a rad person you know: my preschool student oden hes super rad and im lov him. hes 4 and hes blond and his middle name is erik and he says “so, like...” with his face scrunched up and he runs to me with hugs and he doesnt like to eat his lunch

talk about something someone you are interested in can do that never fails to make you find them attractive? fuck this question was difficult to process in this state BUT i always find it attractive when u tell me ur thinking abt me like that o boy!!! that gets to me dude 

if you could only smell one scent for the rest of your life, what would it be? fire

pasta or pizza? PASTA

homemade or takeout? mmmmmmmmm depends

what’s your opinion on shyness? wait does anyone have an opinion on shyness i just think its a thing ya kno and its a thing i have. relatable

list your top 5 songs at the moment and how they make you feel: o boy let me check out my spotify. puff the magic dragon by peter paul and mary and it makes me feel nostalgic and really sad and depressed, annie’s song by john denver and the same but also it makes me feel things abt charles/erik, hypocrates by marina and the diamonds and it makes me feel Trauma but vindicated and valid, don’t worry baby by the beach boys and it makes me feel like things can be okay maybe, and in the aeroplane over the sea by neutral milk hotel which just makes me feel like an emo 8th grader

list songs you listen to for a jam: idk honestly i have a whole cleaning playlist of happy music tho

where’s somewhere you would love to travel to? why? i’d like to go to ireland bc i just feel like itd be rlly green and pretty and also i feel like the air would b rlly nice? idk

what do you do to pamper yourself? I Eat

do you prefer to hang out in a big group or one on one? definitely one on one 

using no negative words, describe your hair: its floofy and auburn and tangles a lot and curls and its thick

cold weather or hot weather? cold weather

this is gonna sound crazy cause my little sister is only 12, but i honest to god dont think i can continue living under the same roof as her for my own personal health. like she is just so horrible to me and there is nothing i can do about it because everytime ive tried to fight back or demand i be treated better i become the “bad guy” and am “overreacting” because im supposed to be older and be the bigger person. but im so tired of having to be the bigger person. i really dont think the way she treats me is normal sibling stuff either. thats why no one ever takes me seriously. they just say its normal sibling stuff but its not. its not just small arguments over who gets the TV or a borrowed sweater. shes just routinely rude and mean and judgemental. like ill do anything just being silly having fun and shell make the most judgemental face and cross her arms. or like today, we had an early thanksgiving and all day she was just making jokes about me being ugly even though its clear to anyone with eyes that im insecure about my appearance and like she just brushes it off as just jokes.i finally was sick of it so i told her point blank that i dont think those jokes are funny and they just ake her seem like a mean person and then i walked off and went to practice harp. then like two minutes later she barges in and starts yelling at me for overreacting, hits my harp, then storms off. and its a cycle. shell do something like that then an hour later shell come hug me and be really sweet and apologize and say all these nice things and then nothing changes and it happens again a day or two later. today actually the cycle happened twice in one day which i think is a new record. and its like, at this point id rather her just not apologize cause theyre clearly empty words. ive taken to saying “thank you for apologizing” very blankly and not saying anything else instead of “its ok” or “i forgive you” because i dont forgive her. er i think i forgive her which is why i keep getting hurt but i also know that itll happen again and i know that this apology ultimately means nothing so why tell her i forgive her when in practicality i dont? and i know sometimes i can be mean to her but not in the repeated antagonistic way she is. when im “mean” to her its like ill take the front seat even if she calls shotgun or ill say something like...honestly i cant even remember. i tried to think of something fairly recent and i cant recall a time where i started a fight by saying something mean. and whenever  tried to talk to her about the clear issues we have she always uses those few and far between things to justify everything she does to me. and my parents do it to. and ive always felt like thats just wrong that i am the primary victim but ive always chalked that up to bias. no one ever htinks theyre in the wrong, but now i feel justified in thinking im not in the wrong in these situations because i know that i dont antagonize her the way she antagonizes me. i dont push on her sore spots like bruises. shes always talking about how she has mroe friends than me, how shes the favorite, how shes mroe athletic than me, how shes better than me in every concievable way and i know i have neverintentionally pushed at her insecurities. and i know this because in the moment ive thought of what i could say that could make her hurt as bad as i do and i never say it partly because i know its wrong to say things like that, and partly because i know that if  did i would be treated like the villain even though ive been putting up with this ever since she could talk. its not like shes always been verbally horrible to me, but before shed be selfish with toys or shed intentionally ruin something i was doing and thats what would get to elementary school and middle school me, but now what gets me is when she intentionally pushes at my insecurities and then thinks all fine and dandy because she was “joking”. and i just cant stick up for myself. I honestly cant wait to graduate and leave. i love my family anf my school so much but she is the sole reason i want to leave. and like i really honestly hate her. i do not like her at all but i also still love her because she is still my sister. and it kind of sucks. i wish i could just not care about her at all and just be like “you know what? fuck you” and be done with it. but i cant because stupid ass me doesnt want to hurt anybody’s feelings. sometimes ive thought like what if i killed myslef and wrote a note about how i did it because i couldnt take living with her cruelty anymore? i dont actually want to die or kill myself because i love all parts of my life but her, but it feels like it would finally show everyone how horrible she actually is. like id be able to feel vindicated from the grave that everyone finally saw that i wasnt just being dramatic she actually was horrible to me. sometimes ill accidentally picture a family member dying and ill feel sad and ill tear up and think how much itd hurt but when i do it witih her, i feel like a terrible person admitting this, but i dont think id be that sad. id feel a little bit sad but id also feel relieved that id never have to deal with ehr again. but im also worried about her. like she has problems keeping friends and my mom always comforts her and tells her that sometimes things are meant to be and my sister will tell how the other girl is being snooty or mean and my mom drinks it up that my sister is the victim, but i cant help but think that she cant keep friends because she subconsciously treats them similarly to how she treats me, or that she attracts a similar kind of mean person like she is to be friends with. and i dont want that for her, i want her to be able to have friend and be nice. i want her to learn how to be a good person cause i know she can, but its like she cant learn she cant understand that what shes doing is wrong. and i feel conflicted becuase i wantto help her be better and i want to support her like a good big sister, but i also want to fight back and cut her out of my life. but i also feel bad cause like am i overreaecting after all? cause how could a 12 year old be this horrible to me? people always tell me shell grow out of it. they told me that when i was 7 and she was 3 and they told me that today and she hasnt. and im tired of waiting for her to grow up. i just want to be done with this. it feels like my instinct to stand up for myself and fight back is fighting my instinct to be a good sister. i also feel ashamed that i let my little sister get to me this badly. like im older and bigger and stronger and more experienced. i should be the one with the power. but for some reason i just cant. like i feel ridiculous for feeling like im being take nadvantage of by a 12 year old but its happening. i cant keep doing this anymore. im so sick of it. i just wish i could leave and never come back. everyone has always told me that well be best friends when were adults but ive always known that that wont be true. but now it doesnt even feel like we have enough of a relationship to even be regular friends after i leave home. i mean maybe thats a bit dramatic writing off our entire lives even though shes only twelve but i dont even think i would want to try and have a relationship with her even if i could in the future. it sjust too ddraining being aroudn her. its been too draining for nearly ten years and i just dont see that stopping. im just tired. she makes me tired. of being around her of living in this house of just living tbh. ughhhhhhhhhh. i think this is the worst its ever been. 

sorry this is such a long ass post. i could probably say more but i wont. im just tired of bottling it all up. i talked with my stepmom about it and she agrees. she says she understands that its not me and she told my sister that shes potentially jeopardizing our relationship in the future. and its such a breath of fresh air to have someone understand that its not me. she thinks we should go to counseling which we probably should. god ive gone to so much counseling whats wrong with me. anyways heres your sob story for the day. sorry