I’m re-reading the 25k-ish words that I’ve written for FrankensteinWIP so far and man, it’s been so long since I actually enjoyed reading back my own text. It’s not the kind of literary prose I wish I could do, but it’s so distinctnly mine, and this book in general is such a self-indulgent project, it makes me happy just to work on it. 

On the other hand, I’m realizing more and more that I can’t juggle PhD school, youtube, and writing all at the same time. And logically I should prioritize youtube over writing because it has at least some sort of potential to become my full time job, but it hurts so much to post these videos that I spend months on and get like, a couple hundred views and 10 comments. So I would much rather focus on novels, but it makes me feel guilty. I feel like I haven’t had any sort of success with youtube yet because I don’t try hard enough, don’t post often enough, etc etc.

Doing the PhD is great because my workload is not insane, I get paid pretty well, and I love the people at my institute. I do have to manage my energy levels incredibly well and I end up burn out every few months anyway, but I make it work. Still, eventually I will graduate and will need to get a real job... and I don’t know if I can do it. Like, I don’t know if I will be able to hold a full-time post-doc position, especially a tenure track one. Especially if my chronic illnesses will keep detereorating. 

I’m hoping that after I graduate I will be able to scrape enough science writing and tutoring hours together to work part-time from home, and have time for youtube and writing. Doesn’t look very achievable now cause any freelance like this requires self-promo, and it seems like I really suck at it. But a boy can dream I guess.

So grateful to everyone who helped us get so far with El's situation*. Thanks to y'all, El's citizenship is recognized, she has her passport, and our visas are reset for another three years.

Unfortunately, even with donations, this whole ordeal has left us 14K in debt.

PLUS now that El's citizenship, passport, and visa stuff is resolved, the US embassy is making us go to Manila AGAIN in December (for about another 1K--and yes, that's the earliest we could get an appointment), to apply in person for her social security number. (Which they would not let us apply for until after we had her passport.)

It'll take about three months to get her SSN, and only THEN can we apply to add her to my disability. No idea how long that will take.

Y'all, having a baby overseas during a national lockdown when BOTH parents are foreigners, especially if there's a birth certificate error that needs corrected, is a stressful and expensive hassle involving multiple visits to various local and national offices and the embassy.

I'm not even concerned about the surgeries I need right now (throat, jaw, and possibly joints). Eleanor is my top priority.

(*In case you didn't see the earlier posts, we're a disabled, neurodivergent, interracial US couple living in the Philippines, where it is actually possible to live on the pittance that the US pays for disability. Our daughter was born here under the lockdown as our visas were expiring, and an error on our daughter's birth certificate left her stateless, which cascaded into a series of bureaucratic/legal woes that had eventually put us in danger of forced separation and possible incarceration. That part is finally resolved thanks to y'all, but we've still got some challenges ahead.

During all of the above, @thesurestthing had to be hospitalized a couple of times, and I nearly died from COVID twice, spent a month on oxygen, had blood clots that screwed up my right retina and temporarily paralyzed one side of my face, a persistent two-year infection that required foot surgery and industrial strength antibiotics to resolve, and ended up with heart issues that are likely permanent--so even with the cheap healthcare here, it took a huge chunk of cash just to keep us--especially me--alive.)

So yeah, unfortunately, you'll be seeing another donation post within the next couple of days--hopefully more coherent than this one.

I'll go ahead and add the donation links here anyway, though.

We prefer pay pal donations, because they take the lowest fees, but we can also accept donations through go fund me and ko-fi.

pay pal: https://href.li/?https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=AAPN4HRA9YLA4

ko fi: https://href.li/?https://ko-fi.com/anexperimentallife

go fund me: https://href.li/?https://www.gofundme.com/f/family-riding-out-covid-overseas

And if you've actually read all if this, here's a reward of the most adorable baby on this or any other planet (holding my cane, which she keeps absconding with lol).

Again--Thanks to everyone who has kicked in or reblogged so far. We will never be able to adequately express our gratitude. <3

Little by Little

Tuesday May 7, 2024

I wrote an e-mail to the embassy and they confirmed that I'm still able to apply. I'll need a year & a language test like I already knew. I wrote an e-mail to the consulate & I confused the lady. She requested a phone call so I wrote back & asked for the best time. She actually replied at around 10 on Monday (the 6th). I was so nervous. I was almost shaking. I didn't want to do it but I had to ask myself if it was worth it to get the citizenship & I replied yes. I called & explained & she doesn't think there'll be a problem with the different name versions because of how long ago it was. I felt better. She mentioned an essay which I had never heard of but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I decided to watch the McDean SL but I wound up skipping a lot. I'm currently watching the Stendan SL & I don't care much for Noah.

A student can't come tomorrow so I cancelled the class & got a warning for it. Apparently a teacher who cancels a lesson is irresponsible so I suppose I should just ignore the class & take care of it after the time passes. This got me to thinking about how I actually don't need the site anymore. I got screw-you money from my mom. I can do what I want. I want to study. I need to up my languages & choose 2 foreign ones to study.

I could travel. I have the money now. I'm not a slave to the job. I have to get out of this mindset. I don't need the website & I don't need to live in fear.

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. [...] Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." — Dune

2, 12, 18, 24, 38, and 39

Look, a questionnaire ask meme thingie! It's been a while since I've seen one of these in the wild 2: Show us a picture of your handwriting?

Here's me being pedantic in my literature notes for Discourse Analysis LOL

12: What's some good advice you want to share? You know what, I hate this advice, but I really wish I could say this to my past self: "Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is also the hardest. It can be scary to jump off that ledge not knowing whether or not someone's going to be there to catch you. And sometimes, there really is no one there to catch you. I hate it as much as anyone else, but the things you learn from the fall will serve you later, I promise. It is a huge confidence boost to be able to brush yourself off after the fall, look around and go, I LIVED, BITCH. Because yeah. You DID. And that means you can keep going. And no matter how hard it seems, if gravity still works, if there's still oxygen in the air, if the birds are still chirping, you can keep going. You can improve your life little by little. And as long as you're still kicking, you can still keep reaching for that goal. So be unkillable. Be that one cockroach asshole who keeps coming back. In great attempts, it is glorious even to fail. The fall cannot kill you in a way that matters." Okay but on a more serious note, some other advice I needed to hear recently is: "Don't waste your life trying to live it all at once. Things will happen when they happen. So fill now with things that make you happy just as much as you fill it with things that are meant to move the plot forwards. Take some time to take that little hike. Go smell that weird looking flower. Eat that doughnut. Put in that application. Stare at that beautiful cloud burst. Drink a pot of tea. Save up a little for that car you want. Burn that candle you've been saving. Take that trip you've always been meaning to take. Ask that one friend if they want to go get some coffee later. Life is just as much in the little moments as it is in the big ones. Let them all happen."

18: Do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens? You know, with how vast space is, and some of the strange experiences I've had, I 10000% believe that there actually *are* more things in Heaven and Earth. I want to believe, man. Je veux y croir.

24: What's one thing you're proud of yourself for? I'm proud of myself for finally finishing my exams, getting through this ridiculous Master's Degree, and applying for citizenship so much has been happening alongside that tho that I'm about to keel over for real I can't wait until May is over LOL :')

38: Fave song at the moment?

*lights a lighter* :')

39: Youtuber you've been obsessed with and why? Okay LOL this one's gonna date me a bit but anyway In early college my favourite youtuber was Brett from Viral Video Film School. Here's my favourite video of his called Jerk Animals:

This is the one I used to watch the most, and I still often watch this video to cheer myself up, because. I don't know. Brett just has a comedic timing that I like. The lines "I'll be up here demolishing your property value" and "NO SON OF MINE IS GONNA WEAR A PEOPLE HAT" were Peak Comedy^TM to 20-year-old me LOL and please ignore the fact that this video was posted 13 years ago, kay thx.