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myhockeyworld87 · 4 years

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Bubble Wrapped - Part 3

Word Count: 4,279

POV: Reader

Warnings: Same as always, Language, Smut, NSFW, Please see the note in the Masterlist

Teams: Bruins, Caps, Flyers, Lightning and Pens

Notes: Ok so we’re moving on to part 3. Feel free to send me in suggestions for things that you’d like to see happen in the Bubble. Also a few people have mentioned our reader having a love interest in the end, feel free to tell me who you think it should be. I love hearing from your guys. Happy Reading!

If day two went anything like day one you had your work cut out for you in more ways than one. You woke up early and got ready, grabbing a quick breakfast in the kitchen that was part of your suite. Heading down to the lobby, you found that everything was going according to schedule and that breakfast seemed to be going fine and there had been no food fight incidents like last night's dinner. All in all, the morning went pretty well. A lot of the teams had practice or went to at least check out the rink and there was very minimal interaction between them. Lunch went just as smoothly, with only a few minor problems here in there that needed your attention.

By three o'clock you headed up to your suite to eat your lunch the kitchen had prepared and rest your feet a bit. You tossed your blazer off and grabbed a fork, sitting down on the sofa to eat the avocado quinoa salad chef had made you. Barely three bites in, your phone rang. "Hey Car, what's up?"

"I hate to bug you, but Logan said there's a problem at the pool. He said it's urgent."

"Did he say what it was?" Dropping the salad on the coffee table you grabbed your keys and headed to the roof.

"Nope, just that he needed someone up there right away."

Your suite had a private staircase to the pool and you took the steps two at a time, hoping that Ovechkin wasn't throwing anyone off the rooftop pool. "I'm already on my way. Thanks, Car."

"Keep me posted," Carly said before ending the call. You burst through the door expecting a disaster but finding the place pretty calm. There were some players in the pool and even more lounging around on the chairs. It was definitely a mixed crowd, with some Bruins, Bolts, and Capitals there, but they seemed to either not be interacting or actually being friendly with each other. Scanning the pool deck, you looked for Logan but noticed more eyes on you than anything else. You finally saw him, over by the towel bin.

"Logan, what seems to be the problem?"

He was visibly flustered and yet you couldn't see why. "I…I ran out…I ran…"

"Oh for godsakes spit it out."

"I ran out of towels." You blinked a few times thinking that with his mask on you'd not heard him correctly. That's when you realized you didn't have a mask on as you'd been eating when you ran out of the room, but really with everyone being tested daily and no one coming in and out of the bubble, you were fairly safe. Still, you took a step back just so that there would definitely be six feet between you and Logan. It was probably for his safety as well, because running out of towels was not an urgent matter and you really wanted to cuff him upside the head.

"So call housekeeping and have them bring some up."

"Oh yeah right." You rolled your eyes. Logan was not someone you wanted on your team in this bubble life, but you'd had no choice as your bosses told you he had to be there. Pulling out your phone, you made the call yourself down to housekeeping; who said they would be right up.

"Ok, now that's done. Is there anything else you need?" You tried to be patient, but you could see Brad Marchand laughing at the exchange between you and your co-worker. You glared back him, hoping to silence him especially after all the chaos he'd helped cause last night, but he just cocked his head at you, as if the look you gave him meant nothing.

"Well, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do up here," Logan said bringing your thoughts back to work.

"It's simple Logan, pick up the towels, put them in the bin, make sure it doesn't overflow." Like it currently was you wanted to add. "And call housekeeping if you need more." You'd thought you'd given him the easiest job at the hotel, but obviously, you'd need to rethink things if he couldn't handle this.

"Right, right." He said shaking his head franticly. Housekeeping came up then with a huge stack of towels and you motioned for him to go get them, though he didn't register your meaning right away. Just as Logan went to turn to get them, Marchand came by, walking between the two of you. If you hadn't felt it, you would've never noticed the light push he gave you, making you stumble and lose your balance, sending you directly into the pool.

You surfaced the water sputtering. "Well, that son of a…"

"Are you ok?" Strong arms came around you and carried you over to the side, even though you could stand in the water.

"Yeah, I'm…ouch!" you went to get your footing and noticed a pain shoot up from your ankle but also your shoe felt a little funny.

"Don't try to stand on it." He moved you so that you were face to face and you finally recognized your rescuer as Jake Debrusk from the Boston Bruins. "Here wrap your legs around me and I'll take you to the side of the pool." Although you found yourself doing as he asked, you realized you weren't that far from the edge and probably could've just swum there yourself. Once you were finally there, Jake lifted you up to sit on the edge, while a few other players came around to see how you were. Well, you wanted to assume they were there to see if you were ok, but it was probably more about the fact that you were soaking wet and your silk cami was clinging to your skin, not leaving much to the imagination. Jake brought your foot up to look at it, moving your ankle in a few directions and making you wince. "I don't think it's broke, but it might be sprained." He took your high heels off and held it up. "I'm not surprised, the heel is totally broken."

"Shit, they were one of my favorites too."

"You should probably get some ice on it and elevate it," Jake told you, and you realized how cute he was. He had a smile that reached from ear to ear, and a voice that you could listen to for hours on end, which he probably got from his dad.

"You're probably right. Do you think you could help me down to my room?" I mean if you were going to have to stay off your feet for a little bit; you might as well make it worth your while. The grin that was on his face got a little wider.

"Yea…"

"It's ok I got her." A voice from behind you said, and Jake's face fell. You could tell he was going to argue but the person continued. "You're soaking wet, she doesn't need that mess in her room." Jake simply nodded.

"Yeah, you're right Charlie. You should take her." Well, you had a one in two shot, on who it was going to be, either McAvoy or Coyle. Craning your neck, you tried to see which is was, but the sun was bright and blinded your vision. They scooped you up before you could even think about shielding your eyes, and the next thing you knew you were face to face with Charlie Coyle. Jake was cute, there was no denying that, but he also seemed a little too innocent; whereas Charlie, well, there was something intriguing about him. You couldn't quite put your finger on it just yet.

Charlie headed to the elevators, with you in his arms. "What floor are you on?"

"Twenty-nine," you answered and he cocked his head realizing that you were in the penthouse suite. "One of my perks for being stuck here running this place."

"Not such a bad perk." The doors no sooner closed than they were opening back up again and you were fishing for your key to open the room. Entering on the second floor of the two-level suite, you directed him to the bedroom. "You should probably get out of these wet clothes." You cocked your head at his suggestion. "No need to get a cold and all. People will think you've got COVID or something." He tried to add hoping to sound helpful.

"Can't have people thinking that," you agreed. "The bathroom's that way. I could use a towel." He carried you into the bathroom, then set you down on the small stool, that you'd gotten for the vanity. He made no move to leave and you had to chuckle to yourself, as you knew exactly what was on his mind. Coyle was easy on the eyes with a soft smile. His features reminded you of Tyler for some reason, so you weren't opposed to where his thoughts were leading. You wiggled the soaking wet camisole up your body; peeling it off and throwing it in the tub. You'd worry about getting it cleaned later.

His eyes went wide, dropping immediately to your breasts, which were only clad in a lace bra, your nipple already hard from the water and also in anticipation of things to come. "Could you help me with the skirt?" You hopped up on your good foot and twisted around so you could hold on to the counter while he unzipped the garment. You could've gotten it down easily yourself, but decided Charlie could have a little fun. He came up behind you, fingers working the zipper down, then he shimmied the wet skirt down your legs. His sharp intake of breath could be heard in the bathroom, as he took in your matching lace thong.

Charlie let his hands glide down your thighs, all the way to your calves. Once the skirt was on the floor, his hands stole around your waist, lifting you up while his feet moved the garment to the side. "Better?"

"Much, though still a little wet."

He reached for a towel, and instead of handing it to you, he patted you down with it. Starting at your shoulders, he worked his way down to your breasts. "Seems futile to have this on," he said as he pulled at your bra. You simply nodded, and his hands went and unclasped your bra before he resumed his work of drying you off. You watched him in the mirror, as he moved the towel to your front, toweling off your breasts. The cloth dropped out of his left hand and his palm covered your breast. Your breath hitched in your throat, right as we tweaked the nipple. He continued drying you with his right hand as his left toyed you with your breast. "Has anyone told you today, how beautiful you are?" He breathed the compliment in your ear and it sent a shiver down your spine.

"Not in the last few hours." You teased and he smirked at you through the mirror.

"Well, you are." His lips were on your neck then, dropping kisses all around there and then down the back of your spine. The towel followed and he dried both of your legs, gliding his hands up your inner thighs, before sliding your thong to the side and dipping his fingers between your folds. "Mmm…This spot is pretty wet."

"Well, I don't think…" You gasp as he hit that sweet spot inside you. "You're helping." The moan that left you echoed off the bathroom walls.

"You like that?" you hummed out a yes and he continued to finger your pussy; the towel completely forgotten now, as it lay on the floor. "Then maybe we should get rid of this altogether." He made swift work of ridding you of your panties and now you stood completely naked in the bathroom mirror. "Should we move back to your bedroom? I mean you really shouldn't be on that ankle."

You'd actually forgotten about the injury and now that you thought about it, your ankle didn't hurt all that much, but you weren't going to argue with moving things to a horizontal position. "Sounds like a good idea," you answered and turned as he grabbed your ass so you could wrap your legs and arms around him. His mouth came down on yours the minute he held you and he took a moment to just kiss you before making his way to the bedroom. Your hands threaded through his hair, tugging gently so he would deepen the kiss. Charlie didn't need to be told twice as his mouth devoured yours. He kissed differently than both Pasta and TK. Long sensual strokes of his tongue in your mouth; he wasn't hurried at all. When you were in the bedroom, he gently laid you down on the edge of the mattress before dropping to his knees. He propped your legs up on his shoulders, then proceeded to kiss and nibble on your inner thighs, before taking his tongue and licking between your folds. "Oh," you moaned out as he started to eat you out. His mouth worked it's magic on you, flicking across your clit, before his fingers spread you and he could thrust his tongue inside. Your hands played with your nipples and you could feel the smirk on his face as he looked up at you from his spot between your legs. His mouth left you, only for a second to be replaced by his fingers and you groaned out in pleasure.

"Does that feel good babe?" and you hummed your approval. "I can make you feel much better." His mouth was back on you then sucking on your clit. It threw you over the edge and your hips bucked up into this mouth. Charlie's free arm pressed against your hips to hold you still as he worked you through your orgasm. His fingers slowed as you came down from your high. "You're fucking beautiful when you cum." Your body was already flush from your climax, so thankfully he didn't notice the blush that his words gave you, as he crawled up your body. He'd already shed his swim trunks but hadn't removed your juices from his lips as his mouth connected to yours.

The kiss caught you off guard, or maybe it was just the fact that you were still on a euphoric high from your orgasm, but as soon as you recovered, you pushed at Charlie's chest for him to roll onto his back. He went easily and you kissed your way down his body as he made himself comfortable against the pillows. His cock was rock hard and pressed up against his stomach. You bypassed it at first, letting your hands lightly skate up and down his thighs before licking up the length of his dick. He sucked in a breath as his hands slid into your locks, not pressuring you to take him in your mouth, but urging you to, and so you did. Taking just the head between your lips, you swirled your tongue around. "Fuck babygirl, your mouth feels like heaven." Slowly you sank down on him, taking him deep in your throat. His hips flexed up into you slightly and you gagged a little but recovered quickly, sucking him in and out of your mouth. You hollowed out your cheeks sucking hard on him and he moaned. You let one hand toy with his balls, as you bobbed up and down on his cock. They tightened under your touch, and you knew it wouldn't take much more to make him cum. It was shortly after that, that he pulled you off him. "Can we…?" He tried to catch his breath before starting over. "Would you…?"

"Fuck me, Charlie." You spit out as you wiped the back of your hand across your face. He grabbed you under the arms and hauled your body up to his so that you lay on top of him. You straddled your legs around his hips, his cock nestled between your pussy lips and you rocked back and forth; his dick getting coated with your wetness.

He grabbed your hips and stopped your teasing. "Fuck (Y/N), I need inside you." Reaching down he took his cock and lined it up with your entrance, then thrust fully inside you. He wasn't huge, but you still enjoyed the familiar stretch that having a cock inside you brought. It took a few minutes while you both adjusted, but then you started to ride his cock. His one hand guided your hip, helping you set a steady rhythm, while his other played with your breasts, tweaking and pinching your nipples. You threw you head back at the combination of being filled by Charlie and what he was doing with your tits. "So, fucking beautiful." He breathed out, then flexed his hips up into you. You rode him for a bit before he flipped your positions and you were suddenly underneath him and he pumped furiously in and out of your pussy. "Gonna cum for me again babygirl." You were close as you felt your orgasm building but didn't know if you would get there in this position with him. You snuck your hand between your bodies to play with your clit. "That's so hot. Yeah baby cum for me." It wasn't long and you felt your legs start to tremble as the orgasm worked its way through your body. The wave came crashing down on you and your pussy quivered around his cock. He thrust a few more times before pushing deep inside you one last time; the muscles in his neck straining as he came inside you, calling out your name. He took a second to catch his breath, then quickly pecked your lips before rolling onto his back. "You're fucking amazing." He finally breathed out.

"You were pretty fantastic yourself," you echoed back as you rolled on your side. "One thing though," he looked over, a look of contentment on his face. "How the hell do you know my name?" You knew him of course, that was part of your job, but you weren't wearing your credentials when you'd gone up to the pool, because you'd been in such a hurry.

"Babe, I wouldn't forget someone as beautiful as you.' You resisted the urge to roll your eyes at the comment. It was definitely unnecessary considering that you'd already fucked him. "I'm serious, I remember when you introduced yourself yesterday. I knew I had to make it a point to get to know you. Just didn't think we'd end up here so fast, not that I'm complaining."

You were lightly tracing your nails over his chest and found yourself asking one last thing. "So is that why you totally blocked your teammate from bringing me back here, because you wanted to get to know me?"

There was a blush that stained his cheeks. "Yes and no," he rolled on his side to face you then. "Thought it would be a good opportunity and all, but he's a kid, probably would've lost his load the minute you took off your shirt. I was doing you a favor." He said with a little wink, then kissed your lips again.

You pulled away, though a bit reluctantly. "I should probably get back to work."

"Yeah I get it, you're in popular demand." You gave him a little chuckle as you knew he wasn't talking about your hotel duties. "But listen, I would like to get to know you, so call me and maybe we can chat or do other things sometime while I'm here." He rolled out of bed then and retrieved his shorts, pulling them on in one swift motion. "You sure the ankle's ok?"

"It'll be fine. I'll just wear some more comfortable shoes for the next couple of days." He leaned over the bed and kissed you one last time before heading out the door. "Talk to you soon," you said as he made his way out.

"I sure hope so."

Once he was gone, you called down to the front desk to let them know what had happened at the pool and that you'd be down shortly as soon as you grabbed a quick shower. You were just finished putting on some makeup and throwing your hair in a messy bun when your phone rang. It was a Facetime call from Tyler. "Hey baby," he said with a smile as his face popped up on the screen.

"Hey Ty, how's bubble life?"

"It fucking sucks." He was laying on his hotel bed shirtless. "I just got back from practice, but I'm bored out of my mind."

"Aww, poor baby. I feel so bad for you just laying in that hotel room with nothing and no one to do?"

"Right," he agreed a pout on his face.

"You mean to tell me you haven't charmed the pants off of some hotel server yet?"

"(Y/N), this is not your hotel. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE," he emphasized it by bringing the phone closer to his face. "Is male. Can you fucking believe that?" You couldn't help the burst of laughter that left you. "It's not that funny babe."

"Oh I beg to differ, it's hilarious." You had a hard time catching your breath from all your laughter.

"I wish I was in Toronto with you, baby. I miss you so much."

"You wouldn't be missing me if someone was there to keep you company." He always said things like this. It was just part of his natural charm and being an outrageous flirt.

"That's not true at all. I swear I tell you this all the time, yet you don't believe me." Part of you believed that he did miss you, but you thought it was only because of the amazing sex the two of you had. You'd never thought about it being anything more. "Anyhow, how're things on your end?"

"Well I had a food fight between the Bruins and the Caps on the first night, so it's been fucking fantastic."

It was his turn to laugh now. "Tell me that's why Pastrnak tweeted what he did about Wilson."

"Well not exactly, but that was the end result after the two got done playing a game of pool."

"Wait, so Wilson and Pasta were in your suite?" He frowned at the thought knowing that you'd been staying in the penthouse. "Please tell me nothing happened."

"Nothing happened." It wasn't necessarily a lie, considering all you'd done was kiss Pastrnak and promise the same to Wilson. You decided it was best to leave out what had happened between TK and Charlie just moments ago. It had sort of been an unwritten rule between you and Tyler that you didn't speak about your sexual encounters.

"Oh, good. Wilson's an ass. Did I tell you that when you called me the first time?"

"Nope, you only said that he gets around."

"Well he's an ass and you should stay away from him."

"I'll try and remember that." Even though you knew that wasn't going to be possible. "Oh, by the way, tell your friend Marchand to fuck off next time you talk to him, as he pushed me into the pool this afternoon and ruined my favorite heels."

The look on his face on was one of both contained laughter and indignation for what you went through. "Marchy can be an asshole at times, I'm sorry babe. I'll buy you new shoes to replace those."

"You don't have to do that Ty." Though it was sweet of him to offer. "I'm going to plot my revenge on him though."

"Seriously, don't get involved with him. He can be a little rat when he wants to."

"We'll see." You told him not willing to make a promise you weren't sure you could keep.

"Not to change the subject, but how's the bet going?"

"You mean the one that when I win, you'll be my sex slave." He chuckled at the mention of what you would win if you succeeded.

"Yeah, that bet."

"It's going; plans are in place." They weren't, but they would be soon.

"You know we should just scrap it." You couldn't quite read the look that crossed his face to see if he was serious or not.

"Afraid you're going to lose?"

"No, it's just…" He seemed to think about what he wanted to say. "Can't have you having all the fun."

"Consider it payback for every time you post the bat signal Seguin."

"You know it's not a bat signal. I've told you that before." He seemed to be sincere but you couldn't tell for sure.

"Whatever, I've already got a plan in place." You didn't but tomorrow was another day, and you would start then for sure. "But listen, I gotta get back to work. I'll call you later and if you're lucky I'll give you a little show."

"I'll be waiting for your call. Don't go and find someone else to play with." He teased.

"I'll try not to," you told him and swore there was a look of concern on his face, but it was quickly replaced with a smile and a wink. "Talk to you soon, Ty." You blew him a kiss before he said goodbye and hung up the phone, wondering how you were going to win that bet with him, because there was no way, that you were going to be his sex slave for a full twenty-four hours and you knew if you agree to cancel it that's exactly what you'd be doing.

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arethereanyoriginalusernames · 4 years

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ZP Fanfiction Review

Hellooo internet! Welcome to GAAAAAAYYY THEORY-

I am so sorry.

Anyway, welcome to what I can only call a test run for a series I've decided to start. For more info, I'd recommend reading my previous post. To give a brief explanation, I criticize written works done by others in order to help myself and others improve, and recently I've turned my attention to ZP fanfiction (as you do). This series is in no way meant to shame anyone or anything like that. I am simply stating my opinion, and anyone reading this can take whatever they want from it.

Now, while I do take requests, for the first few of these posts, I put the titles of random fics that I have read, and pulled one out at random. Since I admittedly haven't asked these writers for permission, if one of them contact me and wish for me to take a review down, I will. Do not send any negative bullshit to anyone whose fics I review.

With that said, I hope you enjoy, because today we're going to look at a fanfiction posted on Wattpad by a Tumblr user known as @thiccdemonlover69-blog. Now, something I want to make clear is that this was written back in 2017. This isn't representative of this user (who I will refer to as TDL) 's current writing abilities. The fic in question is this one here,

So, originally, I was going to do a full synopsis of the story, but I ultimately decided against it. Not only did it make the post longer than it needed to be, but knowing myself, I would undoubtedly leave something out by mistake. Therefore, I encourage you to read the story before continuing this review. I will be going through it chapter by chapter, and I will give my thoughts on each one.

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Chapter 1 "A Normal Day... or so Damian thought "

Not too much to say here since this is an introductory chapter and not much really happens in it. Because of this, however, I thought that I would take the opportunity to address what I already predict will be an elephant in the room.

Like most of us fans, TDL has their Headcanons and theories about the ZP characters. You'll notice in the story that Satan and Damian have a slightly different relationship than in the comic, as Satan is more present in his son's life here. This is just an example of what I'm talking about. Now, I actually don't have a problem with this by itself. I'm all for writers including their own unique ideas in fanfiction, however, I have a problem with some of the changes made by TDL to the characters and setting. There's nothing egregious here, but as we go on, I think you'll be able to understand what I mean.

One positive for this chapter is that it serves its' purpose as an intro very well. We get an idea of the upcoming conflict without it being spelt out.

Chapter 2 "At Hell No. 2 (School)"

Ok, so overall this chapter in itself isn't terrible considering how it introduces the relationships between various characters here and further sets up the upcoming conflict. However, I have to ask some questions about the characters. First, I've noticed that throughout the story, certain characters that you'd expect to make an appearance I guess just don't exist here. Sahara and Narissa (Dame's mum), for instance, have apparently been snapped by Thanos. Meanwhile, some characters have noticeably different personalities. Jack, for instance, is much less shy and passive and has more or less taken on Zill's personality. Also, I guess he and Dame are buds now. Kayla... is a whole topic that I will touch on later. Eli wasn't introduced in the comic, and the best we have is his character sheet, so I guess he's ok here? Addi is in character, Autumn barely exists, Zill... just kind of exists? Finally, Dame has had a few weird changes to him that I'll touch on in a bit.

Ch. 3 "A Not-So-Normal School day"

Ok, so let's talk about Kayla real quick, shall we?

A common sin committed by inexperienced writers is the tendency to villanize characters in order to push the narrative forward. In this story, Kayla is practically cartoonish in how awful she is. She's physically harmful, a bitch, a homophobe, and is overpossesive of Zill. I get the idea that TDL doesn't like Kayla, because to me it seems like she was turned into a bitchy Leeson. Now, Kayla in cannon can get frustrated and angry at times, but for the most part, she's a nice person. She's the type to defend others against bullying, and would never bully someone else. Not only that, but I don't buy this version of Kayla because canonically she's scared of Dame. His appearance alone is enough to make her yeet herself across the room. If she did something such as knocking something of his off his desk, she'd probably panic.

I can only imagine two reasons why she was changed in such a way. One, to have Damian not crush on her. Now, if this is the case, I don't think villainizing Kayla is necessary. You can just say that Damian outgrew his crush on her and be done with it. Two, is to create drama. If this is the case, is Kayla really the best candidate for the drama causer here? I wouldn't think so, and you could probably replace Kayla with someone who'd be more likely to bully someone, like Rusty or Baltimore or something.

Aside from Kayla, another problem I want to mention is that art class scene. Addi's mum getting a minor to pose nude in front of his class is actually kind of creepy, and I don't believe that it would be aloud.

Chapter 4. "The Second, more worst bully"

First of all, that title could use a rewrite.

This chapter mainly exists so the story can show how much of a bitch Kayla is now, and I've already spoken about that. I will mention some positives, however. Something I like in this story is whenever TDL adds in little details like characters having secret handshakes or characters eating dinosaur nuggets. I know this seems small, but this random little specifics give the story a cute, quirky charm that I am here for.

Chapter 5. "The Moment Damian has Been Waiting for "

Not too much goes on in this chapter. We get some funny bit of dialogue ("Ooh, is that drama I see" made me crack up) and a wierd scene where Dame is suddenly One Punch Man, and he cracks Jack's skull open by simply bonking him on the back of the head.

Since there's not much to say, I want to take the opportunity to talk about Damian in this story. First, again, I don't have an issue with writers adding in their ideas to their fics. The whole thing with him being a cross dresser? Cool. That's it. That is my entire thought on that.

There are some other changes that confuse me, however. For instance, the ADHD is integrated really weirdly. It gets brought up at really random times, nothing is really done with it, and overall it just seems to serve as a reason for Dame acting hyper. The story could have just had one line that said "Damian has ADHD " and nothing would have changed.

Another thing, and this isn't something exclusive to TDL, but apparently Damian is homosexual. Not bi, just gay. This is a change I actually see a lot of the time with Dame, and I don't know why. Like... is it so difficult to imagine him liking more than one gender? Do you think that he needs to be gay in order to be in a homosexual relationship? Because he doesn't. Bisexuals can do the same thing as gays. It's just such a random change that it just bugs me.

There's also the fact that Damian is apparently amazing at everything. He's an A plus student, a great actor, a great artist, etc. I'm not sure what TDL is going for with this angle. It's something else that just seems random, because the only thing that this does is make teachers confused about why Dame is sad and it makes other characters freak out about how brilliant Damian is.

Chapter 6. "The Date"

Ok, let's all just admit it. Damian going "RIBS RIBS RIBS RIBS..." is in one way or another a fucking mood for everyone. Don't you fucking lie to me.

The interactions between Eli and Dame are mostly cute, and we get some funny dialogue here too. The one issue I have is something not exclusive to this chapter, and it's how Damian is kind of treated like a child. Characters talk about him like his a little kid, and even the way Eli talks to him to calm him down in this chapter is (to me) reminiscent of a babysitter dealing with a hyperactive kid. I bring this up now because I want you all to remember this. It will get creepy later on...

Chapter 7. "The crazy household of Damian "

Easily my favorite chapter.

We still get bits where Dame is kind of treated like a child, but it's barely noticeable here. TDL is actually pretty good at writing wholesome scenes and scenes where a couple characters are just hanging out. This chapter actually reminded me of events that happened in my own life, so believe it or not, I actually got a nostalgia hit reading this. This chapter just put a smile on my face. Shame that it came right before the worst chapter. Buckle in kids.

Chapter "It's Time... and Absolutely Everything goes to shit"

What a fitting title!

First, let's talk about how not a lot in this chapter makes sense. Ok, so everyone knows that Kayla doesn't like Dame and shit could go down if they ever cross paths. And yet, they bring Damian to a party at Kayla's house, and act surprised when shit hits the fan. This happens again when Damian tries to talk to Kayla, and she spits in his drink. I don't know what any of these characters were expecting. There's a weird focus on food in this chapter. Kayla ironically becomes a badass because she decks someone and immediately follows that up by heading off to pop lock and drop it on the dance floor. Zill exists, and he's drunk. He makes out with Damian because.... Kayla's a homophobe? I think that's the reason? Jack literally gets into a fucking wrestling match with Kayla. Rusty is just here. Eli disappears for a while, and I guess Addi just teleported out of the party because the only contribution that he makes is that he messes up the time.

Ok, my favorite scene here is when Dame is like "oh I don't wanna dance bc I sad" and Rusty just shows up for some reason and remarks very loudly that Damian is good at ballet. This info is so shocking, the DJ, who somehow heard this over the music, turns off the tunes, there's awkward silence, and then everyone laughs at Damian. No. I don't get it either. Like... how did anyone hear Rusty, how fucking loud was Rusty talking, how did people know who Rusty was referring to, why is the concept that a dude does ballet so shocking, especially when you'd think that the fact that he's the antichrist is more shocking? Like... am I just having a fucking stroke right now?

Oh, and remember how I mentioned how Damian is treated like a child in this story? Remember how Damian is a teenager, and in other words, a minor? So, apparently, not only do we learn that Damian once got a boner but his father spanking him, but apparently Styx, an adult, has had sex with Damian on multiple occasions. And yes, this info is revealed in throwaway lines. If you listen closely, you can faintly make out the sound of someone screaming "FBI, OPEN UP!"

Granted, TDL was a teen at the time of writing this, so no big whoop on their part. Still doesn't make this any less creepy.

Oh yeah, and Damian fucking dies at the end except he doesn't because plot twist, bitch! We were reading a Steven Universe fanfiction the entire time! Ok, no, this is actually another Headcanon by TDL, but st this rate, between the Headcanons which anyone who doesn't know TDL would be confused by and the characters acting weirdly, I am honestly having trouble saying for sure if this fic takes place in the comic's setting, or in some type of AU.

For brevity's sake, I'll just go over the last two chapters. Tldr, Damian is fine, Lucifer gets Kayla expelled, Kayla get tortured, Lucifer is super happy with himself, and everyone lives happily ever after.

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If I had to sum up my feelings on this story, the first half for me is a mixed bag. It has its' glaring problems, but the humor and writing style make the fic endearing and enjoyable. If the story ended at "the Date ", I would have thoroughly enjoyed it. But then everything just kind of falls off the rails. Stuff happens because... well I guess just because. We get an unintentionally creepy ending to an otherwise wholesome trip, and the Headcanons included here are put in so randomly with no explanation that I can only imagine what someone who didn't have any context to them would say.

The thing is, I think that this fic actually gives a good example of a lot of problems beginners have. I'm certain that TDL nowadays could write a better story, and they certainly have potential. Hell, if one were to fix a few things in here, this fic would be a lot better.

Still, I hope that this review gives you at least a couple ideas of what to look for in some of your own stories. Also, feel free to tell me what you think.

I apologize for wasting your time.

- ATOUN

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