#she says people don't ever change so she measures happiness and progress by external things only
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love the emotional whiplash i feel whenever i spend more than an hour with my parents
#this weekend had everything from arguing to laughing to screaming to crying#sad crying and angry crying#mom telling me it breaks her heart that i'm 'never happy' while once again blaming it on me caring about politics and social issues#and just other people in general#and me needing to stop myself from going on a rant about how mental illness actually works#and that i do have things that make me happy#AND THAT SHE'S THE ONE WHO SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE TELLING ME LIFE ISNT FAIR AND LOVE ISNT REAL AND YOU'RE LUCKY IF YOU'RE NOT MISERABLE#she tells me i'm so full of anger like bitch you fly off the handle and lash out at anyone in a five mile radius at any minor inconvenience#i talk all the time about the things that make me happy but she thinks they're stupid and immature so she writes them off#she doesn't understand that if i measure happiness on some grand scale like major life changing things#then of course i'll never be happy#because i can't sit and wait around for a wife or a house or the perfect job#none of those things are guaranteed so i need to find ways to be happy with smaller things and i do#she tells me i'm not happy when ten years ago i didn't even plan to be alive this long#but i can't say she's undermining all the work i've done over the years because she has no idea i've done anything#she says people don't ever change so she measures happiness and progress by external things only#she doesn't understand how much i've changed#i can't really blame her even tho i feel like she's refusing to see something that's right in front of her#but at the same time i'm resentful that she can never see me as a fully fleshed out person#because she insists on seeing me as an extension of herself and her own unhappiness#this started as an angry post and turned into all the things i wish i could say to her but can't cuz she'll just disagree#and insist the things that are important to me don't matter and that i'm doing life all wrong#personal
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