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kido-swagomi · 6 years

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this is one of those posts that I really shouldn’t make but am just absolutely out of shits to give and the bridges are burned anyway. So fuck it.

I wanted to talk to my therapist about this today but we ended up talking about a different issue instead, so I’m just going to vent on Tumblr because I’m sure that’s healthy. If you’re actually reading this expect no actual structure or purpose to this post. This is like the definition of a vent post.

So Aiareck. That blue dude in my icon. He’s my fursona. But he didn’t start off that way, he was originally a DnD character, made for a phenomenal campaign run by one of my closest friends. Past tense. That game took a lot of my energy, and it was by my choice. I was enraptured with the world the DM had created. Obsessed, really. My personality tends to lead to that. I had a massive backstory for Aiareck - dude was 42 at the time of the game so he had plenty of life behind him to write about. Fantastic adventures. Tragedy. Romance. The whole nine yards. I spent hours dreaming up characters and stories for Aiareck to interact with. My intent was to actually write this backstory out as a short story/novella/thing (spoiler, I never did because I’m so bad at actually writing things, I just have a bunch of character bios that tell the story through those).

Cut to about 5 months after the campaign started. One soft-restart after the OG party was a nightmare and we paused the campaign to focus on a different one before removing someone from our current group and bringing a new person in. I made the mistake of dating another player in the game. They flew out to visit me and meet in person for the first time since we started dating. Visit didn’t go well. They went home early. We broke up the day after.

Day after that, the DM ends the campaign.

Three weeks later, them, and most of that group, cut off all contact with me. Me specifically. I know they’re still in touch with one-another. Just me.

These people were some of my best friends. I had known the DM for six years. The rest I met with the campaign, but we became fast friends. And they just. Cut me out. No explanation. No arguments. No reason. Just shut me out.

My ex and I didn’t have an angry breakup. We agreed it wasn’t gonna work. We wanted to still be friends - or at least that’s what they told me. I know I did. We hadn’t even been dating two months, I could get over it. Wanted to just take a few weeks off from the game or something to deal with the grief, then get back into it and just be friends again. Easy.

But no. Instead I get shut completely out. No connection left. It was complete and total. Every single social network under the sun that we were mutual friends/followers on. Gone. A huge aspect of my life was just swept out from under me. A dear friend, whom I had already given a second chance after they did some pretty fucked up shit and shut me out before, did it all over again (fool me twice, eh?), the first relationship I had been in in 7 years, the campaign I had sunk so many hours into as a player, gone. Just like that.

Queue major depression spell. Went hard on painting Warhammer models to pass the time. Ended up getting burnt out on that and have barely painted since April. Started my own campaign with a different party in May in some desperate attempt to get back what I had before, and I’m rapidly losing motivation to continue that endeavor. Work continues to blow ass. And my self-esteem is basically shot and at this point I’m just convinced I’m going to be single for the rest of my life because of my own social awkwardness and anxieties.

But hey, at least I’m getting a bird in a few weeks, eh?

But what does this have to do with Aiareck? The blue boy from the start of the post. Well, even before all of this shit happened I had decided that after years of not having one, he was gonna be my fursona outside of the campaign. I love this boy. I got a really great badge commissioned of him to wear to cons. If by some miracle I ever acquire the money to pay for it I’d love to get at least a partial suit based off of him.

And now he’s got all these bad memories associated with him. I told myself after this all went down that I was still going to finish writing his story. I was too invested in it not to. Spoiler: I didn’t. Because every time I’d try to I’d find myself infuriated. He reminded me of what I had lost. This stupid blue bird had suddenly become a symbol for the shit that drove what had started as a pretty okay year for me into the fucking ground.

That’s where my obsessive compulsive tendencies rolled their ugly fucking head. My brain wasn’t done obsessing over him and his story - it’s still not done. I pace the floor on slow days at work thinking about his story. About his adoptive mother. About how he ended an attempted coup on his homeland by eliminating the perpetrator, who was his own mentor. About how lost his parents at a young age and made his way after that carrying on his father’s love of music and dance, and spent his teenage years as a busker in his home city.

I think about how in the campaign, his home was under siege by the big bad, and now he’ll never get to save it. He’ll never figure out what the big secret that pirate captain was keeping from him was, or get back the Super Legendary Awesome Pistol™ from her that was stolen from his home years ago. And I can’t even ask anyone what the possible outcomes were. The only person who knows decided I’m some kind of bastard that should be shut out at any cost for reasons that I’ll probably never know.

I wanted to be able to detach Aiareck from those memories. To compartmentalize them and eliminate the negative associations so I could still enjoy developing this character that I’ve spent so much time on and want to literally represent me in online space. And eventually (still working on this one) have him redesigned with a more ‘modern’ appearance to detach him from his roots as a DnD character (at least outwardly). I intended the commission I got of him recently to be a kind of “last hurrah” for Aiareck the DnD character, and then I’d get a new character sheet done up with the “new” Aiareck.

Of course I’d still have his DnD story and if I ever get the opportunity I would absolutely play as him in a new campaign. I loved him too much not to.

But despite my efforts, I’ve utterly failed to detach him. Those memories still come back. That anger is still there. The absolutely un-fucking-shakable feeling that I’ve done something horrible to wrong these people I considered friends to warrant the treatment I’ve gotten and I don’t even fucking know what it is I could have done. And I don’t even mean that from a stupid, arrogant “I can do no wrong” stance. I mean I’ve seriously tried to look back at my behavior and my actions and I can find absolutely nothing that explains this response. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m a perfect person. Let’s be real, I’m an asshole. I know I can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes. I make plenty of damn mistakes. I made mistakes in the group setting of this DnD campaign. I made mistakes while my now-ex visited. I made mistakes in that relationship before they visited.

Yet, evidently, I did do something horrible. And I’m either too stupid or too full of myself to begin to have even the faintest idea of what it is.

There’s another hit to the ol’ self-esteem. ‘Cause I really needed another one of those.

I don’t even really know where I’m going with this anymore. Just... I just want to love my bird boi. I just want to be able to move on. But I’m so fucking incapable of doing that. It’s infuriating. It’s something about myself I fucking hate. I just can’t get over shit.

Seems like a lot of emotion over a stupid anthropomorphic bird. If only I could shed that emotion.

#personal bullshit #ridiculously incredibly stupidly unnecessarily long post #like fr

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chainsawbettyloo · 6 years

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Title: So Completely You, in the Best Way Possible

Pairing: Prince Sidon / Link

Rating: E+

Tags: Fluff, straight fluff, established relationship, cute, kissing, lovey dovey

Summary: Sidon knows for a fact that Link tends to do the more mundane things in an almost unnecessarily extreme way. However, when he stumbles across his pearl throwing bombs into a river, he's utterly confused as to what Link could possibly be doing.

A/N: Wrote for @sidlinkweek, and this is the first day prompt, Fishing! Yes, I know it’s hella late, but hey, better late than never, amirite?

Cross posted on my AO3! Requests are currently still open so if you got something you’d like to read, send it my way! Reblogs, comments and all that is very much appreciated! Thank you!

The hint of sunflower yellow in the distance indicated that the person standing on the shoreline was possibly Link. The sound of muffled explosions that rung throughout the lazy afternoon air confirmed, without a hint of doubt, that it was definitely Link. Not that Sidon needed any kind of hint as he could detect his beloved from scent alone. However, he was certain that if it were anyone else, those two things combined would be an excellent indicator of just who it was.

Carefully making his way down to the river, eyes focused on the small Hylian in front of him, Sidon wondered just what on earth he was doing. From what he could see, Link was simply conjuring those odd, glowing blue bombs that Sidon was still not one hundred percent how they worked or where they came from, and throwing them into the river. Often, he immediately detonated them, sending up a huge splash of water that rippled along the surface. Other times, he would wait for several moments or even minutes then, in a dramatic flair of thrusting his Sheikah Slate forward as though fending off some invisible force, would set them off.

Was he practicing? Trying to get better at throwing them? Link had once told him that shortly after he had awakened after his 100 year slumber, those bombs had saved his life more times than he could count. Since the only weapons he could find were weak and liable to break often, and he had inefficient armor that was really nothing more than an old shirt, Link had relied on the bombs to take down monsters that, at the time, had been too tough to handle but, as far as Sidon knew, that had been a while ago. He was pretty sure Link no longer needed to rely on such a technique. Though, perhaps, there was a monster he had stumbled across that could only be taken down with bombs. That would explain needing to get better at aiming and throwing.

Though, to his eyes, it didn’t look like Link was being very successful. He didn’t want to judge Link’s throwing skills but there was no form, no control of strength, no real planning of where the bombs were going to go. It just looked like he was throwing them without really caring where they went. Stopping just a few paces behind him, Sidon placed a hand on his hips, cocked his head and just watched for a few moments as Link conjured a bomb out of nowhere, held it high over his head then threw it into the water before exploding it just moments later.

“What are you doing, Link?” Sidon asked, half confused, half amused.

Link jumped a little. Obviously, he had been so enthralled in...whatever it was that he was doing that he hadn’t heard or sensed Sidon’s approach. Turning, he looked up at Sidon and offered up a big, sunny smile that immediately sent Sidon’s heart fluttering. Momentarily forgetting about the whole bombing innocent water thing, Sidon quickly closed the small distance between them, reached up to cup Link’s wet, sandy cheeks and leaned down to press a soft kiss against his lips. With a soft, pleased exhale of air through his nose, Link pushed up into him, eyes sliding closed, covering the backs of his hands with his own. It was a little gritty with the sand, and tasted slightly of salt but not that any of that bothered him. Link’s lips could be covered in chuchu slime, and he’d still happily kiss him.

“So, what exactly are you doing?” Sidon asked, leaning back a little, stroking the pad of his thumb over the curve of Link’s cheek.

“Fishing.” Link responded, slowly opening up his eyes as he leaned into the touch, snuggling into the palm of Sidon’s hand.

“What? Fishing?”

Link nodded, “Yeah, I don’t have a fishing rod, spearing them or using arrows takes too long so I just use my bombs.”

Sidon blinked then lifted his head to look over Link’s. Sure enough, he could see around ten colorful fish floating belly side up in the water. So that was what he had been doing. Fishing. He stared blankly at them for several moments then laughter came roaring out of his throat. Bending over from the force of the guffaws, he placed his hands on his knees to keep himself upright and practically howled with laughter. Tears began to stream down his cheeks as he coughed, gasped and laughed even more.

“What? Why are you laughing?” Link said, sounding a little bit offended.

“That’s-“ Sidon gasped, reaching up to wipe the tears eye. He finally managed to straighten back up, a wide smile plastered on his face, “It’s just so completely you. That’s all.”

Link frowned up at him, clearly not understanding, “It makes it easier. I can get a bunch of fish in a much shorter time than I could with a spear or arrows.”

Shaking his head, Sidon chuckled, “I’m not making fun or laughing at you. It is a very clever way of fishing, and I understand why you use this method.”

“Then, why are you laughing?” Link asked, still looking confused. “What’s so funny about it?”

Knowing that he would never really be able to explain it to him, Sidon instead just leaned down to give him another kiss. How could he explain that it was hilarious because it was so unexpected but yet, completely expected? That this kind of action screamed Link to such an extent that it was nearly farcical. Not that he couldn’t understand his beloved’s reasonings. Without a doubt, it was a much quicker, easier way to get fishing done. Of course, it was also a ridiculous, dangerous, and absurdly extreme method but one thing Link absolutely excelled in, it was finding the most stupidly dangerous way to do something and doing it wholeheartedly.

It was just so completely him, such a perfect representation of his beloved that he couldn’t help but to laugh.

“You really are just incredible, Link.” Sidon breathed, nuzzling gently against the line of his jaw, placing little kisses here and there.

“I still don’t get it.” Link replied flatly, and when Sidon glanced up, he found that he had stuck his lip out in a slight, adorable pout.

Sidon just chuckled in response, and placed a soft kiss on the tip of Link’s nose, “Just know that I love you. Every piece, fiber and bit of you, I absolutely adore.” He reached down to take Link’s hand in his own then brought it to his lips so he could gently kiss the scarred, calloused knuckles.

“I love you, too.” Link replied softly, a delicate tinge of pink dying his tanned cheeks. His blue eyes had dropped down to the ground. The tips of his ears sprouting out of his yellow hair were a darker shade of pink and, at that moment, Sidon wanted nothing more than to take them in-between his teeth. Somehow, he managed to resist. Instead, he continued to lightly cover Link’s hand in small, soft kisses. He was so cute, so incredibly cute.

“I’m glad, Link. Now, should I go retrieve the fish that you have procured for yourself?”

“I’ll do it.” Very slowly removing his hand from Sidon’s grasp, as though he didn’t want to break the physical contact, Link, with his head still down, padded over to the river, jumped in and quickly swam over to where the mass of dead fishes floated aimlessly. He quickly gathered them up before making his way back to the shore. Sidon sat down before the waterline, reaching out to take the fish Link handed off. They were startlingly still intact, which seemed odd for an explosion death.

“Do you want to eat with me?” Link asked, tugging off his wet shirt with a grimace.

“Of course. Do you even need to ask?” Sidon teased gently, letting his eyes roam appreciatively over Link’s bared chest, stomach and back. There were so many scars, so many remainders of survival and chaos. Each one he knew intimately, having traced every inch with his fingers, his eyes, his tongue. If someone were to ask, he could probably paint a map of Link’s scars from memory alone.

“Let me get a fire going, then.” Link started to move away but stopped when Sidon lightly grabbed hold of his arm.

He turned to give Sidon an inquisitive look, one blonde brow quirking, which the Zora Prince returned with a small smile, “It can wait. Until then,” he yanked Link down into his lap, then squeezed him in a tight embrace, “how about you let me eat you?”

Link flushed a dark shade of red, eyes widening in surprise then laughed loudly - a wonderful, clear, ringing laugh that filled up the still afternoon air, startling a nearby flock of birds. Sidon felt his grin getting even larger, warmth spreading throughout his chest. He wasn’t too sure what Link was laughing at but also really didn’t care. It was always a pleasant occasion to hear him do so, regardless of reason, and he supposed it was payback for earlier.

“The fish will rot!” Link said between peals of laughter, though he made no attempt to untangle himself from Sidon’s hold. Rather, he snuggled even closer, practically burying his face into Sidon’s chest, arms looping around his midsection to anchor them closely together.

“They won’t. Not in such a short amount of time but if they do, I’ll catch you some new ones. Or,” Sidon gently slipped a finger underneath Link’s chin and raised his head up so their eyes met, “you could show me, in-depth, how you fish with those bombs. I will gladly be your student.”

“You get a bomb, find the fish and throw it to where the fish are. Then, you make it go boom. It’s not hard.”

“To you.” Sidon replied knowingly, slipping his fingers up into the fine, silken threads of Link’s yellow hair, “But to a amateur like me, it seems like a precise craft that needs to be respected.”

Link laughed loudly once more, his entire face scrunching up into a big grin. Mirth danced in his vibrant blue eyes. Pushing himself up to his knees, he lightly kissed the corner of Sidon’s mouth, and said, “We’re not wasting food. Dinner first, anything else comes later.”

Now, it was Sidon’s time to pout, which only made Link laugh again as he quickly untangled himself. Thoroughly hesitating, not really willing to let go of his beloved’s warmth, Sidon continued to pout until Link was fully detached from him. Giggling underneath his breath, Link held out a hand, helped Sidon to his feet, offered up a bright smile before turning to get the fire ready further up the shore. Struggling and failing to keep a grin off his own face, Sidon set about gathering up the fish that had been discarded in the near intimate encounter. He did actually want to try Link’s way of fishing - it was so ridiculous that he just had to give it a try but he supposed that could come after he’s had his fill of both fish and Link.

#loz #breath of the wild #prince sidon #sidlink

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