#redrook lore
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old German lady gave me acupuncture today
she lifted up my shirt, saw my top surgery scars, and immediately went "WHOA! What caused THIS?"
my fellow comrades, it took every atom of my strength not to just say the funniest lie I could think of on the spot.
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can't have shit in Baltimore
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My therapist: Oh wow it really seems like your mood has improved! You seem relaxed and happy. Have you been using our tools from the last session
Me to my therapist: Ahaha yeah I'm being healthy, productive, and totally responsible
Me to myself: I will fucking end you if you let this nice elderly man in a bowtie figure out that up until 15 minutes ago you were getting your back blown out for an hour and a half
Me to my therapist: I value and respect the time I spend here. I love being healthy and growing
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in high school I met my best friend because of a bet about which gender I was
I was new at school, and went to gym late in baggy hoodie/shorts, and this girl came up to me INCREDIBLY politely and went
"Excuse me. It's lovely to meet you. I don't know if you've heard people talking, but there's a bet going on about what gender you are. If you tell me the right answer, then I'll split whatever I win with you."
best friends for nearly five years after that.
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when I manage to parallel park correctly on the first try I get a high so intense it is almost sexual
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The vet asking "so what brought us in today?" As though I hadn't just been playing my dog's belly like bongos loudly going "There's so many RATS in here!"
pictured above: the most efficient rat killer on the east coast. she'd do numbers as a ship's dog in the 1700s
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Me as a politician: Just like my tits, I'm going to chop your taxes clean off
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once some people tried to argue with me that lesbians weren't actually lesbians if they ever used a strap
putting aside to the moment reasons 1-8 why that's both fucked up and incorrect, let's talk about for straps for a moment, from a fully licensed and certified bisexual.
penises are convenient. they're right there. but do they ALWAYS need to be right there? and then whatever your partner has, that's it for options (including poly people, you just have a slightly wider range)
straps are inconvenient. you have to go get them and then, as the name would suggest, strap them on. but with penises, you can't just open a drawer and go,
"Hey so tonight do you want to use the long thin one, the short fat one, the long fat one, the twisted one, the bumpy one, the eldritch abomination one, the vibrating one, the one that hooks up to Bluetooth and does our taxes with thrusts as binary input, or the blue one?"
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my husband @beemovieerotica took me out for my birthday to a place that was doing free bottomless mimosas for ladies
now I haven't been a lady in quite some time, but free bottomless mimosas is free bottomless mimosas. So me and my husband were like okay I'll just put on baggy femme clothes, make my hair look nice, and do full-face, and that should pass me as a woman
But apparently servers were just like, oh that nice handsome gay man is taking his nice faggy husband out for brunch. What a cute homosexual male couple who are clearly ineligible for our free bottomless mimosa deal.
I was willing to trade in my honor, but in the end still had to pay for my mimosas
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no one knows me like the Palestinian family that owns the liquor store right by my house know me
they've seen me depressed from college, getting a six pack and candy in an old hoodie and sweatpants.
they've seen me mulling (aha) over which type of wine my elderly Venezuelan neighbor would like best
they've seen me in layers of winter clothes, walking my dog by at night
and now they've seen me gussied up buying a big ass bottle of champagne with a suggestive label, wearing full face, heels, and a flattering dress with only the comment of "👀👀👀okay! You have fun tonight!"
support your local businesses
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Have y'all ever gone to a restaurant and heard a song being played that made you realize you're the exact fucking age demographic they're trying to target
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my professor just said my weekly discussion posts definitely boost the quality of the conversation, that hit like crack cocaine to me if crack cocaine could last you for a week
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a lot of video game morality discourse I think boils down to kids growing up now playing red/blue morality video games instead of pretend with their friends
when I was a little kid, I would always try to get my friends to play Princess and the Witch. This was like tag, but the Witch would have to do evil cackles and say things like "I'll get you now my pretty!" And the Princess would have to say things like "Oh no!" or "You evil witch!" or "But I'm just a beautiful princess!"
and then the Witch had to full body tackle the Princess to win.
sometimes, you just need to have fun with your friends playing the Witch and the Princess. and there's nothing else to unpack here.
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my mom got divorced and remarried so many times i'm like a sommelier for father figures
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endometriosis is totally cowa-bogus, dudes
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don't you hate it lads when you think you're making a cool new trans friend to bond with but they may have just been trying to lure you into their polycule
happens every time
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