#ranting softly in my tags again please ignore this post aha
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#delete later#ranting softly in my tags again please ignore this post aha#sometimes i wonder how the people in my direct family see me! and maybe it’s cuz this holiday season i’ve been extra introspective#but i often feel vvv lonely ! which is like so silly because i don’t doubt they love me and i have what i always say are really good friends#to keep positive energy in the universe ! but there’s always this pressure when i’m around people ! how much of the real me can i be! what#is the limit before i become intolerable you know ? and it’s like if i can’t even been intolerable with the people who i would willingly#take the brunt of their own intolerability ? who will i ever allow myself to be myself around#and yeah idk i feel like to them i’m such an tough person? like i’m argumentative and whiny and childish but those are the earliest ways i#learnt not only how to defend myself but be myself in a sense#when i was younger my mum used to say i’m too soft hearted and kind#and i ended up in friendships and situations where that led to me being the only one hurting#and ultimately feeling lonely#but idk if they realise for all of these things at the end of the day i may show a bit my discontent towards their actions towards me#but i always give up! i always just go with whatever they decide to the point that i don’t really know how to voice my own opinions in#certain things since i’m so used to deferring#like i have gotten so used to accepting that ultimately the issue always lays with me and i have to change#because that’s what they want of me#and now i’m an adult who feels lonely by herself because she doesn’t know how to be herself around people she loves#who truly believes that no one loves the real her#facets of me are truly loveable ! and i think ik pretty well where my limits of toleration are but i live in fear#that one day everyone will have had enough#and more than that i like being lonely it feels safe most of the time ! if no one knows you how can they truly hurt you#but then why am i always hurt and why do i desepertaely sometimes feel the weight of the loneliness#anyway! what a bunch of probably incompressible babbling#happy new year i grit my teeth and lived so that’s how i shall continue
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