#probably really be doing on account of the dodgy knee)
Note
Dear mentor my cp2077 cravings are way beyond my compression and I need v being completely Injured/hurt and relying on judy / or judy humming pyramid song to v till she sleeps
Or if you wish for oc content it would be
> magic studying together or symbolism with flowers :D
_ no forcing here o7 If you don't wanna write em you can do as you wish
> GLITTER ANON
Glitter Anon!! You bring me so much joy every time you appear in my inbox <3 Always happy to provide some angsty V with Judy saving the day. Hope you enjoy!
TW for canon typical injury and canon typical swearing
--
Dakota had been out of her goddamn mind sending V that gig and listing it as solo. Or maybe she'd misplaced her confidence in V as a merc, and V was just losing her edge.
Not that it mattered now, the data was sent to Dakota and the eddies were transferring into her account as far as V could tell from the static spiking across her vision and each beat of her heart sending shooting pain into her head.
Stupid netrunners with their stupid hidey-holes that were better than her netrunner hidey-holes. Despite throwing every hack she knew, straining her cyberdeck to the max while she dealt with the swarm of Raffen that had poured from the dark crevices of the 'abandoned' building like ants, she still hadn't managed to drop the 'runner before being hit by two or three hacks powerful enough to down a cyberpsycho.
Johnny's voice was ragged and tinny, like he was coming from a transmission with bad connection, as he pulled himself from whatever recess of his mind he hung out in.
"V, pull over."
She grunted as she hit another pothole, pain shooting through her entire body. It radiated enough that she couldn't even pinpoint where it was coming from anymore. She pulled one hand to clutch at her side as a jolt went through her.
"Gotta get back to Night City." She insisted.
Her emergency bag with stims was drained dry, her mind swimming from what was probably a higher than recommended dose of MaxDocs.
The gig had been too far to make it to the Aldacados' camp without needing to stop at one of the dodgy, gang ridden gas stations on the way. Too far out in the middle of nowhere to make it to Dakota's shop but just too shy of the borders of the city to make it easy for her.
Only option was the push through til she made it home and patched herself up. Anything else was too risky. Who knew who would sell her their help just to turn around and screw her over.
"V just pull over for a sec!" Johnny pushed again and she was about to snap at him again, turning her head like he'd be riding on a motorcycle alongside her, when she hit another bump.
Whatever injuries were hiding beneath raged in unison and her vision went dark around the edges, her body rebelling against consciousness and desperately trying to give into the innate urge to curl around itself.
Her already tenuous grip on her bike's handlebars faltered and within seconds the pavement was becoming acquainted with her body as she hit it hard, skidding to a stop as her bike charged into the barely-standing bus stop shelter at the edge of road.
V choked out a cough, spitting out red-tinged spit as she waited for the world to stop spinning and shaking.
"Get outta the road." Johnny snapped, scuffed black leather of his shoes stomping in front of her face as he materialized into a crouch, glaring at her from behind his aviators. "Gonna get turned to roadkill."
Pulling each breath in felt like hauling sandpaper down her throat into her lungs as V tried to catch the air that had been knocked out of her lungs. But she rolled over onto her side, then pushed herself into a seated position.
That alone felt like an accomplishment, especially with Johnny's nagging kick at the bottom of her boots until she'd shimmied all the way off the road. When her ass hit gravel she stopped, wrapping her arms around her knees and glaring at Johnny as heat that she really hoped was sweat slid down her face.
"Christ on a stick, you're pitiful." Johnny drawled, standing at her feet with his arms crossed over his chest, "Call your slam piece to come haul your sorry ass of the side of the road."
V scowled, fixing her eyes on her bike, smoking alongside the twisted metal that had been the rusted shelter. She hadn't been going that fast...had she? Everything was blurry.
"Even if you got that bike started, you won't make it a hundred feet." Johnny intercepted her plan, snapping his fingers. "What is her name, the one you make the hopeless puppy eyes at? I'm sure she'd take you in like the lost stray you are."
Feeling her glare on him, he tilted his aviators down to meet her look with raised brows. "You do it or I do it. I'm not dying again because the bitch-ass merc that I was unlucky enough to get stuck with let Raffen and pride kill her out in the Badlands."
Without breaking her glaring eye contact, V rang Judy. As the comm-line rang she stuck her tongue out at Johnny. He rolled his eyes and flipped her off. He flickered out of existence in front of her, just to re materialize leaning against the guardrail next to her.
"Someone has to look out for you." He groused. "You sure as shit won't."
Judy picked up on the third ring, her visual popping up in the corner of V's UI. Or what she could make out of it from the way her UI was glitching out.
"Hey V I was just thinking 'bout..." Judy's voice faltered, "V? The hell are you, what happened?"
V picked at the gravel in her palms, jammed between her skin and implants, wincing.
"Shit went sideways, wrecked my bike." She muttered, lifting her eyes to Johnny who gave an exaggerated 'yes and' gesture. She lowered her brows and he proceeded to make an even more exaggerated gesture.
He was impossible.
She cleared her throat, mouth like cotton, "Can you uh...actually, nevermind."
"Uh-huh, nevermind, what's your location I'm already on my way." There was a jangling like car keys.
But it was getting dark, and who knew what started to crawl around these parts when it was dark. She'd gotten herself into this mess and she could get herself out of it.
A force like a booted foot slammed into her side and V buckled, the sound that slipped from her choking out between a shriek and a sob. She heard Judy trying to ask her what was wrong, but her ears were ringing and the words were stuck in her mouth.
"Rancho Coronado, exit to the Badlands." Johnny supplied to V, standing over her with his arms crossed. Arrogant bastard. "Still think you can drag yourself back to H10?"
"Hnng, fuck, Rancho Coronado, by the old bus stop in the canyon." V choked out.
The minutes dragged as V hunched over herself, the world fading in and out around her. She was aware of Judy staying on the line with her, catching very little of the intense volley of what she could only imagine were heated curse words and the road noise of the van.
Then there it was, Judy's beat up blue van bouncing up the road in a cloud of dust. It groaned in protest as Judy threw it into park and was out before it had rocked backwards to a stop.
"V?" Judy's hands were blissfully warm against the chill that the temperate drop had leeched into V's skin. Judy tilted V's chin up and she forced her eyes open, "You still with me?"
God, she'd never been so happy to see someone, even if the thought of dragging Judy into her shit made her want to scream.
"Still here." V confirmed with a groan, a shudder wracking her, "Unfortunately."
Judy brushed her thumbs across V's cheekbones, lips pursing together, before she moved to slip an arm under V's arms.
"Let's get you to the van."
Moving felt like a monumental task, far too much of an undertaking. But if she didn't even try, then Judy would have to bear the brunt of her cyberware-heightened weight. And she'd already made Judy haul her dead weight from beneath the waters of the dam.
So V forced her legs beneath her and helped to stand with Judy's help, letting out a breath in a hoarse wheeze. Whatever edge the MaxDocs had taken off was wearing away, leaving sharp, ragged edges of pain spiking from various places on her body to mix with the general ache that was her existence right now.
Slopping into the passenger seat of Judy's car was a mercy on her body and she slouched, leaning her head back against the headrest with a whimper.
God, she was so tired of hurting. Hurting today, hurting whenever the Relic flared; her world had been one whole incessant hurt since taking that stupid heist with Jackie.
Then Judy was in the drivers seat, the van rumbling to life beneath them, and her hand was a gentle press on V's thigh.
"Do you need me to find a ripper?" And there was such matter-of-fact concern in Judy's voice, such a simplicity in the question, that V had to squeeze her eyes closed against the burn of tears and shake her head to work around the lump in her throat.
When was the last time she'd had someone care, somewhere there to haul her ass off the floor when shit hit the fan?
"Don't need a ripper." V rasped, "Nothing that can't be patched up at home."
Maybe she should get her cyberdeck checked out after the other netrunners' hits, but the static was starting to fade from her head to be replaced by bone deep exhaustion and hurt. If more issues popped up, she'd go bother Vik tomorrow.
If only to avoid landing on his doorstep in a pitiful state.
Again.
Judy put the van in drive, doing her best to avoid the potholes, her hand staying on V's leg. It was nice, comforting.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd had that either.
V leaned her head back against the headrest, eyes drifting closed, and let the ride pass by in a blur.
--
By the time V made it up the stairs to Judy's apartment, even with her help, she was spent. The floor looked like a fantastic space to just let herself collapse and sleep off all of today.
But that would mean bleeding all over Judy's floor and Judy's grip on her was unwavering.
Instead she found herself in the dim light of the bathroom, gingerly peeling herself out of her clothes. Her jacket and pants rained gravel down in a pitter-patter on the tile and her tank top clung to her skin with a sticky solution of blood and wound.
Judy helped her peel that off too, giving a soft curse at the angry welts and road rash across her torso, back, and sides.
"At least you were wearing leather." Judy said with a shake of her head, "Otherwise I'd be scraping you off the road back there."
There was enough admonishment in her tone that V snorted out a laugh, then winced as her body punished her for it. Already a massive bruise mottled her skin from hip up her rib cage from where one of the netrunner's attacks had hit her hard enough that she fell from what she'd thought had been a hidden vantage point.
Which had led to her fighting her way out of the swarm.
She explained it all the Judy to fill the silence aside from the hiss of the shower, to keep herself from cussing and wincing as between the two of them they cleaned the gravel and blood from her skin.
V let herself drift in the feeling of safety, let herself disengage from the high alert she always seemed to be on. Judy's hands were gentle as she helped V smear a sharp-scented ointment on her road burn and bruises and helped wrap gauze around the worst of it.
Sitting on Judy's couch in a t-shirt two sizes too small and sweatpants that were a couple inches too short, V let her head drop down onto Judy's shoulder. Judy carded her fingers through V's hair without enough tenderness that V could've cried.
"Thank you for saving my ass back there." she murmured, the emotion she'd walled back seeping through a crack in her voice.
Judy leaned back on the couch, tugging V with her so that she was laying half on top of Judy. V relaxed into it, angling herself so that she wasn't laying on her worst side, and nestled her head into the crook between Judy's neck and shoulder.
This was far better than crawling back to her own apartment, nursing her wounds alone, and passing out in the bed cubby with the help of whatever would numb the pain enough to help her sleep. Judy's hand continuing to card through her hair was like a siren's song for sleep.
"I'm always going to come get you mi calabacita." Judy whispered against her hair, "You're not facing Night City on your own anymore."
#captainderyn answers#cyberpunk 2077#cp2077#cp2077 fanfic#Judy Alvarez/V#judy alvarez#female v cyberpunk#oc: V#otp: beneath these city lights#every single time I forget what I tag them as#thank you for this nonny!!#I hope you know that if you ever wanna talk cp2077 my inbox and dms are open#but I also don't mind interacting like this <3#cross posted this to AO3 if anyone is having issues with tumblr formatting#Johnny and V are...friend adjacent in my playthrough. It's def not a healthy friendship but its a friendship#this was an example where I can see this so clearly in my head but trying to find the words didn't work as well#something something I hurt my own feelings with Judy saying she'll always be there to catch V and then#well...ya know *gestures to endings*
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incomprehensible conjecture and rambling about sunny/rcg under the cut! idk man I got 1 hour of sleep in the past 24 or wataver and my brain is an abandoned swamp Good Nigte
i certainly am not arguing that mac Absolutely Isnt a stereotype of a predatory gay man/self-hating homophobe or whatevr. i wont argue the homophobe one at all really,not great even if they rectified it and further tried to make up for it or whatever w mac finds his pride (which i love, regardless). but honestly i dont think the predatory complaint really makes a whole lot of legitimate sense considering every charatcer on the show is Extremely predatory in their own right. if he wasnt i’d be irritated to be honest. i do agree w wat mcelhenney said something like that its cool that they decided to acknowledge he was gay without changing him fundamentally as a person; he still needs to fit into the show or watever. like idk he’s not Ideal Gay Rep ofc but he’s awesome still. To Me. I like when character’s sexuality can be an improtant acknowledged facet of them but doesnt overtake the rest of te narrative! It never occurred to me that his behavior toward dennis would be seen as predatory ina stereotypical way seeing as how their relationship dynamic is so fckign bizarre. charlie has the same level of dogged cluelessness about the obj of his affection’s true feelings, so it didnt occur to me to see mac touching dennis’ knee or stuff of that variety as being any different ig or as making fun of queers or watevr. if i am wrong/misunderstanding i apologize. i have never considered mac from that perspective before.
honestly i kinda get the complaints. i’ve never rly thought rcg all have 10000% pure intentions with the insensitive kind of humor they are into, no matter their loophole justifications for shit. sometimes i almost believe their reasoning and do basically understand but it still seems flimsy when you considers stuff like the blackface stuff which is indeed kind of funny at times mainly bc the joke is the absurdity of it all, like mac in the shower with the brown dripping off him like he’s melting; it’s not funny at the expense of black ppl but more so at the expense of how goddam stupid and unaware mac is. i havent seen the blackface/brownface ones in years sos i dont have a whole lot to say excepe they seemed to be clearly against using blackface as the moral while still using it to get laughs. so. really honestly i don’t know that it’s Liderally Ever edgy white people’s call to use something like blackface regardless of context, regardless of their obvious intent? i dunno i have tried to find Black ppls opinions online a couple times but struggled to find any tangible results. the only other thing i have to say with ym white person words is that i think it’s stupid that the streamig companies take down all insensitive episodes like theyre trying to brush them under the rug and pretend it never happened in wake of a changing political climate. i get it, but kinda just seems like corporate scrambling ie disney getting ridof all of song of the south but still profiting from splash mountain eprhaps. something seems dodgy to me about pretending it doesnt exist anymore just to cover their asses. i understand the sentiment i guess but i dont think that’s really the main goal of the BLM movement, to purge streaming services of any questionable/racially insensitive/Fully Racist material; there’s surely more important things at the top of the lists besids Good Branding . im not sure if that makes sense
also a lot of episodes the joke is the blatant but somehow woefully oblivious homoerotic overtones present between the guys, like a Lot of the time. it is very funny though is the thing and a lot of thm are my favorites. i dunno. i also thought hte pooping transgender bit was pretty funny mainly cause it was absurd. i think maybe because i have my own what i think are reaosnable and empathetic views about certain stuff like queer shit it doesnt necessarily occur to me that they are trying to make fun of queer people.. like people make fun of conservative fans for having completely missed the point of it all being satire, and wat if i am being tricked to into assuming rcg has kind intentions and isnt trying to make fun of queer people just cause the thought didnt occur to me? instead of taking all the gay subtext serious- WHICh i Do, i should probably be more aware that to rcg it is just a bit and not really that deep. but mac and dennis were totally fucjing in s5 canonically. anwyays like aside from the carmen shit which is handled So Fuckign Bad and it makes me so upset cause i actually love carmen they were just very clearly not bothered with actually representing trans people accurately. so in the bathroom one if even fuckin dee reynolds is like, saying a trans woman in a woman’s bathroom is obviously normal.. it seems like they’d rectified some of their previous Very flawed rhetoric surrounding trans women (ie the whole “u slept with me when i was still a man” line. makes me cringe a bit ebery time)u get wat i mean?? not that it atones for it obviously. i love carmen she desreved better
butreallt i dont have any like. Pure Faith in rcg to be super accountable or honest about their intentions or to have the most accurate or agreeable beliefs or whataver. theyre just fucking about really because they can without any lashback. and people i think like being able to laugh at offensive shit thru scenarios which supposedly distance you from bigots/evil people and make u feel better about yourself watching these dumbass evil people talk slime. when like. glenn yelling supposedly arabic-sounding gibberish for example: it is funny in this context not just cause it’s wildly inappropriate and absurd but also because there’s prob significant amt of people who actually dont have an issue with it who could watch it and not have that takeaway whatsoever. i dont kno wt im talking about anymore btu honestly if youre trying to watch a show that isnt rife throughout with controversial/offensive/insensitive language and story beats, i dont know why you would try to stomach it with sunny. like for gods sake they used blackface more than once! i dunno man
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Better To Have Loved
Title: Better To Have Loved
Fandom: Tangled: The Series
Description: Rapunzel and Cassandra have a much needed heart to heart after the events caused by the Wand of Forgetting.
[Read on AO3]
"Do you think if you had found me in the tower instead of Eugene, I would have fallen in love with you?"
Cassandra had been keeping first watch again. She heard everyone go off to bed, and assumed Rapunzel had joined them, until she appeared next to her. Her legs were curled up to her chest, and the princess was uncharacteristically silent. Cassandra theorized Rapunzel probably had a nightmare shortly after falling asleep, and just wanted some company until she grew tired again. They'd frequently gone through a similar routine at the castle, before they set off to follow the Black Rocks. The quietness normally suited Cassandra, but with Rapunzel around, it felt a little weird. Her question several minutes later did not make things any less weird.
"Anything is possible, Raps," she replied, trying to appear nonchalant despite the fact that she had wished more times than she could count that she had been the one to rescue Rapunzel.
"So you do think we could have-"
"Yeah, maybe. I don't know," This really wasn't a discussion she wanted to have, especially not after she had gotten a glimpse of an alternate reality where her secret dream came true.
"Do you think it's too late for us to?"
"What?"
"Fall in love."
Cassandra whipped around, heart fluttering in her chest as she tried to process what she had just heard. She must have fallen asleep while on watch. This was all a dream. Just another fantasy her subconscious had conjured. Wake up, wake up, wake up! her brain yelled, as her gaze settled on the princess. Her chin was nestled into her knees as she stared out at the forest. She looked gorgeous in the moonlight. She looked gorgeous in the sunlight, too. Cassandra shook her head, trying to clear it of delusional thoughts. Rapunzel was always curious about the world around her, and this was probably just another passing fancy that she simply wanted to explore.
"What about Eugene?" The reminder of Rapunzel's current romantic and nearly betrothed partner helped steady Cassandra's nerves and bring her back down to Earth.
Rapunzel stretched out her legs, letting them dangle towards the ground. Her hands fidgeted in her lap for a moment, before her fingers moved to trace patterns in the smooth rock where they were both perched. "Ever since you used the Wand of Forgetting on me, everything's been really confusing. Eugene was the first person I can ever remember meeting, besides Moth- Gothel. But now I have memories of you being the first person I ever met. Experiencing the world for the first time, not with Eugene, but with you.
"Everything was so frightening. Seeing a world outside my tower for the first time. But you were there, and your smile was so warm and comforting, I didn't feel like I had to be afraid. Even though I had no idea where I was or what danger lay ahead, I knew you would take care of and protect me. You made it not so scary," Rapunzel offered up one of her not-so-rare smiles, thinking of the alternate memories of her first taste of freedom.
"I know you aren't normally very affectionate, but I distinctly remember you letting me lean up against you by the campfire, without protest. And I felt the same feelings I first felt with Eugene coming to the surface every time I looked at you. I thought about how nice it was to talk to and bond with another person. You looked so beautiful under the starlight, right before I figured out you were taking me the wrong way."
"Raps, I am far from beautiful," Cassandra smiled wanly, "But I appreciate the sentiment. I'm sure anyone looks good when you've been cooped up with Gothel all your life," the small hint of positive emotion left as her face fell. "I'm still so sorry I cast that spell on you. You didn't deserve to relive all that fear and uncertainty again. I try so hard to protect you, and I was the one who put you in danger. I put this entire mission in jeopardy, because I let my emotions get the best of me," she growled as she balled her good hand into a fist, still beating herself up over her mistake.
"Would it be bad if I said I think I'm glad it happened?"
"What? Why?"
"Because it helped me realize I've always thought you were beautiful, Cass," the princess ignored her friend's previous denial, "but I just thought it was in the way one girl can appreciate another girl who is attractive. Since the memory incident, I've been wondering... If you had found me first, why couldn't it have been you I fell in love with? Random chance brought Eugene to the tower, and it could have just as easily led you there. How would my life- our lives- be different?
"At first, I thought the feeling would go away. I know I'm not going to forget what happened, but it isn't reality. It's how things could have happened, not the way they did happen. But they... did happen, in some way. I was there and you were there. You're always there for me, Cass.
"Even though you didn't find me in the tower, you did find me in the castle. You found me in your own way. You were my first best friend. Every time I look into my future, I see you right by my side. I can't imagine going a day without seeing you, without spending time with you. I don't just want you by my side, I want you by my side. Close to me, like-" Rapunzel blew a puff of air at some stray hair, knocking it out of her eyes. It seemed to be an excuse not to finish her previous train of thought.
Cassandra felt dizzy. Rapunzel was typically very upfront about her feelings, and though Cass was getting most of the gist, the princess was being unusually dodgy about what she was trying to say. Normally honest, never-wanting-to-keep-a-secret Rapunzel would spout exactly what she was thinking, often without prompting. This whole being cryptic and analytical thing was new.
And it was confusing for Cassandra too, because it wasn't like she had never thought about the princess in… more intimate ways. No one could guess that behind her cool and collected exterior, her interior was soft and mushy for one golden-haired lady. Not that Cassandra ever thought she'd have a chance to express those feelings. Rapunzel was very happy with Eugene, and someday they'd be married and have children and Cassandra would fade out of the picture. Probably go and make her own life. Hopefully get over her feelings and find some other woman to settle down with. Heartache was a normal and necessary part of life, and Cassandra had accepted long ago that her heart would always ache for Rapunzel, but never find respite.
"That's when I realized maybe the feeling isn't going away because it's always been here," Rapunzel's voice cut through Cassandra's inner turmoil. "Maybe it just took me awhile to understand it. Maybe getting Eugene out of my head and my life for a minute opened me up to new possibilities. Possibilities I had never considered."
"So you've been thinking a lot?" was all Cassandra could muster. As if it wasn't obvious by the volume of words Rapunzel had just spilled out. She really couldn't think of anything better to say. This, whatever this was, was really happening. Rapunzel was, more or less, confessing her feelings for Cassandra, romantic feelings, in the most roundabout way possible. If her confession was genuine, where did that leave Eugene? Cassandra certainly wasn't his biggest fan, which was obvious to everyone, but she would never hope for any permanent damage- physical or emotional- to befall him.
Rapunzel nodded, glancing up to see her friend staring down at her. Even when Cass tried to remain stoic, she could always catch a glimpse of concern behind those hazel eyes whenever she looked at her. If Rapunzel thought about it, Cassandra didn't look at anyone else in the same way. She had previously chalked it up to Cass being her best friend, but now...
"You were the first real friend I made in Corona, and you've been by my side almost as long as Eugene has. You've helped me on this journey just as much, if not more. You helped me adjust to royal life, you were there to answer all my questions and show me around and teach me all there was to know about the world. You helped me over the last several months to stop believing in the lies Gothel told me all my life.
"You didn't have to do any of that. You weren't even required to join me in following the Black Rocks, but you did. I am so grateful to have you here, and I don't think I've properly told you how much it means to have you with me. How much it means to me that you're in my life. You always have my back and I always want to have yours.
"I'm really glad to hear you say that, Raps," Cassandra turned, offering the princess a smile. "I was starting to think-"
No. No. This was all wrong. Cassandra was not a feelings person. Actually, she did have a lot of feelings, but those feelings stayed locked up inside and never saw the light of day. Especially not her feelings for the long lost princess of Corona, Rapunzel. She had a job to do, a duty to her kingdom and her country. She came on this journey to protect the princess, because protecting her meant protecting Corona's future. She was a soldier on a mission, nothing more. She just had to keep telling herself that until she believed it.
"Starting to think what?" Rapunzel prodded.
Cassandra recalled the mess she'd made the last time she'd told Rapunzel to forget about something. The super recent last time that was currently the topic of their conversation. She knew all too well Raps wasn't one to let things go. If she didn't talk now, it'd be non-stop nagging until she did. And Cassandra certainly didn't want another accident happening on account of her hiding things from the princess. Also, she couldn't say no to Raps' inquisitive puppy-dog eyes.
"I was starting to think you only see me as a servant."
"What? Cass, that's not true! Is this- Did Eugene say something? I know you two argue but if he told you that, that's crossing a line!"
Cassandra hesitated. Rapunzel had made her stance clear about a certain guide who had helped them through the Forest of No Return and the Great Tree. Their friendship, if there was anything left of it, was already on rocky ground after this latest incident. Speaking ill of someone Raps trusted could cause more irreparable damage. But what did she have to lose?
"Adira said something. At the Great Tree. And after you started listening to her and you started ignoring me, I thought maybe I'd made our friendship out to be more than it actually was. I am your lady-in-waiting. I am here to serve you and obey your commands. She just put me in my place. I tried to prove her wrong, to prove I meant something to you and that you trusted me over some stranger. But you proved me wrong instead. You trusted Adira, you put yourself at risk, you didn't let me protect you. I just wanted-" Cassandra bit her lip to keep it from quivering, pushing down the small spark of emotion that was threatening to show itself, "It doesn't matter what I want. This journey is about you and your destiny and I need to be better at listening to orders," she briefly considered getting up right then and there and going for a walk, but a hand grasping at the crook of her elbow made her pause.
"I know you don't like Adira, and she's not very fond of you either. But out here, we need all the help we can get, and as few enemies as possible," Rapunzel trailed her hand down to grab Cassandra's tightly, "Cass, all the decisions I've made out here have been hard. All of your lives are in MY hands. You are all out here, because of ME. Away from your homes and your families, and there's a chance none of us make it back. If anything happens to you, any of you, but especially you, I am responsible. I decided to take this crazy journey and I didn't ask anyone else to come with me, but you did. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you, but it's still terrifying to think that at any moment, something bad could happen. That's why I used the decay spell. Everyone was in danger and I was panicking and I did what I thought was the right thing to do. We are so close to reaching the Dark Kingdom, and I can't let anything happen to anyone. Even if something happens to me, as long as you all make it home safe, that's all that matters."
She was crying now, ever unabashed at wearing her heart on her sleeve. One hand scrubbed furiously at her eyes while the other squeezed Cass' hand ever tighter. Cassandra glanced back at the camp to make sure no one else had woken up, then pulled Rapunzel in close to her chest. Her friend- her princess- needed her now. The same way she'd needed her at the castle when she was overwhelmed with her duties as royalty or when she had nightmares.
"Raps, I know this is stressful for all of us. But we're going to get through it. We're ALL going home. I'll make sure of it," she held Rapunzel a little closer for emphasis.
"Cass," Rapunzel sniffled, once she had calmed herself enough to talk again, "I need you to know how much you mean to me. I need you to know if you found me before Eugene did, I would have fallen in love with you first. I need you to know I'm in love with you now. It just took a little push for me to realize it. You mean so much more to me than I could possibly say with words, and you know I can say a lot of words. You always have. I'm just stupid."
"You're not stupid!" It baffled Cassandra how such a glamourous ray of sunshine could get such a dark cloud over her head. "I'm stupid! I'm the one who cast the forgetting spell and started all this in the first place. I'm the one who fell in love with you. I go above and beyond my duties to you, not because I'm your servant, but because I want to share as many moments as I can with you. Someday, you'll marry Eugene, because you love him, and there won't be room for me in your life anymore."
"Cass, that's not-"
"I want you to be happy. I really do. But watching the two of you have the life I wish could have with you, would be torture. Love is torture, Raps. It's this parasitic thing that worms its way into your brain and then it consumes your heart and makes all your thoughts and hopes and dreams revolve around one person. Even if they're a person you can never have. Stupid, right?"
"No! Not stupid!" Rapunzel pushed away, hands splayed against Cassandra's armor. "Cass, your feelings matter-"
"You just think they matter because of the spell," Cassandra pulled Rapunzel's hands away from her chest and nested them in her friend's lap before letting them go. "You're. In love. With Eugene. Coming between you two wouldn't be right of me."
Rapunzel scooted across the rock, putting distance between them. "What if you're not the one that comes between Eugene and me? What if I'm the one?"
"Raps, what are you saying?"
"Everybody says he loves me, and I think he does care about me. Sometimes I just wonder if he mostly loves the idea of me. If he loves the idea of becoming a prince and someday the king and never having to worry about food or shelter again. He had a hard life. Then he rescued me, and now he has the undying gratitude of all of Corona. And he deserves all of that! But he can have most of it without being married to me.
"Eugene has his own life, his own friends. He had a life before he met me and he still lives it. Which is, not to say you didn't or don't have a life, you're just… always there, with me. You're always the one that offers to come with me when I want to explore or look for supplies or if we get trapped somewhere. You're always willing to risk your life for me. Eugene has been so indispensable on our journey, and I know he'd do the same if I asked, but with you, I don't ever have to ask.
"And that's… he loves me in his own way and that's okay. It doesn't mean he loves me any less because he lets me have my independence and take care of myself. But sometimes, he gives me a little too much freedom. Sometimes it feels like we're so distant, we're drifting apart."
"So you've fallen out of love a little," Cassandra had managed to beat back any affection she had been feeling, and was now focused on helping Rapunzel with an apparent relationship problem. "You just need to reignite the spark. I'm sure this journey has been difficult for you two without having any privacy. But when you get home, everything can go back to normal."
"That's just it. What if I don't want the spark to reignite? What if I want to start a new spark?"
"Rapsl, that's crazy. You and Eugene-"
"Cass, I am not crazy. I've been reflecting a lot on what has happened in my life. Where I've been. Where I'm going. Who I'm taking with me. Not just to the Dark Kingdom, but to my future. My future where I'm queen and I'm responsible for all of Corona and I have someone by my side ruling with me. Who that could be.
"I thought you always wanted to be close by because we're friends and we care about each other. Of course we care about each other. But I started to wonder if things had turned out differently, with the tower and everything, if maybe I would care about you… more. In the way I cared- care- about Eugene.
"Part of me feels like maybe I just got caught up in everything. Having my freedom, meeting another person, discovering the world. Maybe I rushed into things. I keep telling Eugene I'm not ready to marry him, and I tell myself I will be someday. But in all honesty, I can never see myself being ready. I like what I have with Eugene, but maybe I'd like it more if the things I share with him were shared with someone else instead.
"Another part of me feels like I owe him. He rescued me, he saved me, and he reunited me with my family. I should be- I am- grateful for that. I make him happy, and he makes me happy, but I'm worried the ways we make each other happy are no longer the same. I don't want to hurt him after everything he's done for me, for my family, for Corona. I don't know what to do, Cass. I don't think it's as simple as falling out of love temporarily. What if I'm falling out of love with him forever?"
"This is really bothering you, huh?"
Rapunzel nodded, fresh liquid gathering at the corners of her eyes.
Cassandra sighed heavily. She really hadn't expected to be playing comforter or therapist or whatever this was. But here she was, and here Rapunzel was, and here they both were. Spilling their guts out into the night air. Moreso Raps than herself. So maybe it was time to divulge a long-kept secret.
"I have to be honest, I can't say I haven't thought about it. How things could have been if I'd gotten to you first. I've thought about it for a long time, actually. Way before I accidentally cast a spell on you, and way before we even started this journey. I've thought about what it would have been like if I had found you instead of Eugene. I got a glimpse of that, and it was so nice to be so close to you. You were so vulnerable and I wanted nothing more than to protect you. Sometimes it feels like you don't need me at all. But if I'd been there, in the beginning, maybe you'd always feel like you needed me. The way you feel like you need Eugene. And I could always be by your side, protecting you."
"That does sound nice."
The moonlight made it hard to tell, but Cassandra could swear she saw Rapunzel blushing. Time to backpedal. "Yeah, well, we all think about things that will never be reality, Raps. It's not a big deal," she shrugged.
"Cass, your hopes and dreams are a big deal to me! Especially if they involve me. I think about you all the time, but I guess I've been so wrapped up in getting to know my mom and dad and the coronation and figuring out this whole princess thing that I've never considered you might see me as more than a friend. Or that I might feel the same way. Everything is so complicated and overwhelming and on the days when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, just having you there helps me take a step back and breath. It's like everything feels like it's going to be okay, as long as you're there.
"Eugene is adventurous and I like adventure, but I can't always predict what he's going to do. He proposed to me in front of my parents, and you, and all of the royals in town for the coronation. Maybe he thought I would be ready, and I'm sure a lot of other girls would have enjoyed such a public proposal, but that's not me. And even though it's only been a few months, he almost proposed again during our travels. Maybe he thought I'd say yes if it wasn't in front of as many people. Maybe he's ready to get married and I'm not. He is older and he's had time to get his fill of the world, while my life is just beginning. He's ready to settle down. He is content to lounge in the castle most of the time while I'd rather be out beyond the walls of Corona. I want him to be able to have that relaxed, worry free life. I want him to be happy."
"You deserve to be happy too, Raps. I know you love Eugene and I want you to be happy. I wouldn't wish to take that happiness away from you. No matter what I want, this is your life. And I can't change- I mean, there are a lot of mythical artifacts in the world and I'm sure if I really wanted to I could change who found you first but- that wouldn't be right. Everything played out like it did for a reason. You're happy with Eugene, and taking that away because of my own selfish feelings… Even if you would never know, I would. I'd know what I stole from you. You love him, and he loves you, and I am learning to be okay with that. I don't like him, but I lov- like you. At the end of the day, I just want what's best for you. Even if I'm not what's best for you."
"But you are what's best for me, Cass. I care for you, just as much as I do for Eugene. Maybe more. And that's what I'm worried about. I'm- I'm not worried about caring for you, I'm worried about not caring for Eugene… anymore."
"Oh," Rapunzel's resistance was finally starting to settle in, "You're really serious about this. You're like, sure, sure?"
Rapunzel grasped the fabric of her dress in her hands, playing with it nervously. "I know this all feels like it's happening because of the spell, but it's not. I'm not sure, but I'm almost sure, but I-"
"Don't want to compromise the mission."
"Right," Rapunzel exhaled slowly, like a weight had been lifted off of her chest and she was finally able to breath again.
"I know he can be immature at times. But, he's old enough that he should be able to respect the decisions you make about your life. You said it yourself, he has his own life to live. At least talk with him. You leaving him is like a fantasy come true for me, but that doesn't mean I want there to be any bad blood between him or any of your friends. And I don't want you to make the wrong decision because you're feeling pressured. This is about your life, and your happiness. No one else's."
"But deciding to maybe, possibly, break- not be together anymore, affects him too."
"Staying together is clearly affecting you."
"I know, I know. But I had to be honest with you about what I'm feeling. I've always been able to confide in you and trust you. I want to keep doing that forever. Ha, I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record I just… I want you to know that what I feel for you is real. And I'm glad you opened up about your feelings, too. I know that's difficult for you, and I know it means you trust me more than I could ever comprehend. Please don't say anything to Eugene. I'm still trying to work things out and process them. But more importantly, I don't want to mess anything up before we reach the Dark Kingdom."
"You know this mission is my top priority. I'm not about to do anything to compromise it."
"Thank you. I knew I could trust you."
Rapunzel looked towards the camp and yawned, sleep calling her back to her bed. Traveling was draining enough, and now on top of it she was dealing with emotional exhaustion. The fate of Corona rested on her shoulders, but the burden was easier to bear knowing she wasn't alone. She moved to stand, but just before she did, she leaned over to plant a tender kiss against Cassandra's cheek.
"Thank you for listening."
Cassandra's hand brushed her face where her friend's lips had just been. She smiled sheepishly, ducking her head to try to hide her blush. There were few things in life that could get her flustered, and affection from Rapunzel topped the list.
"Any time, Raps. I could listen to you all day."
The golden-haired princess smiled and nodded, tucking back a stray hair behind her ear. She rocked on the balls of her feet, heart still heavy with words left unsaid, but body too tired to allow her to express them tonight. "Well, goodnight," she lingered a moment longer, taking in the vision of the other woman under the light of the night sky.
"Night, Raps."
It wasn't long before Cassandra found herself alone again. She let out a heavy sigh, almost like she'd been holding her breath the whole time. She was still trying to convince herself that the entire conversation she'd just had wasn't some kind of dream. Rapunzel- Rapunzel- was in love with her! Rapunzel wanted her. Rapunzel chose her! Sure, there were probably more ideal times for her to reveal such information, but at least she wasn't like Cassandra and was able to openly discuss her feelings.
She touched the space on her cheek again where Rapunzel had made contact. Yep, this felt real. No dreams, no weird spells, no wild imaginings. Raps had really beat her to the punch with her confession. Not that Cassandra had ever had any intention of revealing her feelings about the princess. But with her friend so unsure and confused, it felt unfair for her to be the only one sharing.
Well, I certainly won't have trouble keeping watch tonight, Cass thought. Her mind and her heart were both racing, head filled with visions of a potential future with Rapunzel. Those thoughts came often, especially on these lonely watches, but tonight, they were more vivid than ever. There was still no guarantee things would work out, and Cassandra knew better than to get her hopes up. Still, she couldn't stop herself from thinking,
Wow. Dreams do come true.
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#Tangled#Tangled the Series#Cassunzel#Cassandra#Rapunzel#Cassandra X Rapunzel#Punzie#Fanfiction#Better To Have Loved
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Better To Have Loved
Title: Better To Have Loved
Description: Rapunzel and Cassandra have a much needed heart to heart after the events caused by the Wand of Forgetting.
[Read on AO3]
"Do you think if you had found me in the tower instead of Eugene, I would have fallen in love with you?"
Cassandra had been keeping first watch again. She heard everyone go off to bed, and assumed Rapunzel had joined them, until she appeared next to her. Her legs were curled up to her chest, and the princess was uncharacteristically silent. Cassandra theorized Rapunzel probably had a nightmare shortly after falling asleep, and just wanted some company until she grew tired again. They'd frequently gone through a similar routine at the castle, before they set off to follow the Black Rocks. The quietness normally suited Cassandra, but with Rapunzel around, it felt a little weird. Her question several minutes later did not make things any less weird.
"Anything is possible, Raps," she replied, trying to appear nonchalant despite the fact that she had wished more times than she could count that she had been the one to rescue Rapunzel.
"So you do think we could have-"
"Yeah, maybe. I don't know," This really wasn't a discussion she wanted to have, especially not after she had gotten a glimpse of an alternate reality where her secret dream came true.
"Do you think it's too late for us to?"
"What?"
"Fall in love."
Cassandra whipped around, heart fluttering in her chest as she tried to process what she had just heard. She must have fallen asleep while on watch. This was all a dream. Just another fantasy her subconscious had conjured. Wake up, wake up, wake up! her brain yelled, as her gaze settled on the princess. Her chin was nestled into her knees as she stared out at the forest. She looked gorgeous in the moonlight. She looked gorgeous in the sunlight, too. Cassandra shook her head, trying to clear it of delusional thoughts. Rapunzel was always curious about the world around her, and this was probably just another passing fancy that she simply wanted to explore.
"What about Eugene?" The reminder of Rapunzel's current romantic and nearly betrothed partner helped steady Cassandra's nerves and bring her back down to Earth.
Rapunzel stretched out her legs, letting them dangle towards the ground. Her hands fidgeted in her lap for a moment, before her fingers moved to trace patterns in the smooth rock where they were both perched. "Ever since you used the Wand of Forgetting on me, everything's been really confusing. Eugene was the first person I can ever remember meeting, besides Moth- Gothel. But now I have memories of you being the first person I ever met. Experiencing the world for the first time, not with Eugene, but with you.
"Everything was so frightening. Seeing a world outside my tower for the first time. But you were there, and your smile was so warm and comforting, I didn't feel like I had to be afraid. Even though I had no idea where I was or what danger lay ahead, I knew you would take care of and protect me. You made it not so scary," Rapunzel offered up one of her not-so-rare smiles, thinking of the alternate memories of her first taste of freedom.
"I know you aren't normally very affectionate, but I distinctly remember you letting me lean up against you by the campfire, without protest. And I felt the same feelings I first felt with Eugene coming to the surface every time I looked at you. I thought about how nice it was to talk to and bond with another person. You looked so beautiful under the starlight, right before I figured out you were taking me the wrong way."
"Raps, I am far from beautiful," Cassandra smiled wanly, "But I appreciate the sentiment. I'm sure anyone looks good when you've been cooped up with Gothel all your life," the small hint of positive emotion left as her face fell. "I'm still so sorry I cast that spell on you. You didn't deserve to relive all that fear and uncertainty again. I try so hard to protect you, and I was the one who put you in danger. I put this entire mission in jeopardy, because I let my emotions get the best of me," she growled as she balled her good hand into a fist, still beating herself up over her mistake.
"Would it be bad if I said I think I'm glad it happened?"
"What? Why?"
"Because it helped me realize I've always thought you were beautiful, Cass," the princess ignored her friend's previous denial, "but I just thought it was in the way one girl can appreciate another girl who is attractive. Since the memory incident, I've been wondering... If you had found me first, why couldn't it have been you I fell in love with? Random chance brought Eugene to the tower, and it could have just as easily led you there. How would my life- our lives- be different?
"At first, I thought the feeling would go away. I know I'm not going to forget what happened, but it isn't reality. It's how things could have happened, not the way they did happen. But they... did happen, in some way. I was there and you were there. You're always there for me, Cass.
"Even though you didn't find me in the tower, you did find me in the castle. You found me in your own way. You were my first best friend. Every time I look into my future, I see you right by my side. I can't imagine going a day without seeing you, without spending time with you. I don't just want you by my side, I want you by my side. Close to me, like-" Rapunzel blew a puff of air at some stray hair, knocking it out of her eyes. It seemed to be an excuse not to finish her previous train of thought.
Cassandra felt dizzy. Rapunzel was typically very upfront about her feelings, and though Cass was getting most of the gist, the princess was being unusually dodgy about what she was trying to say. Normally honest, never-wanting-to-keep-a-secret Rapunzel would spout exactly what she was thinking, often without prompting. This whole being cryptic and analytical thing was new.
And it was confusing for Cassandra too, because it wasn't like she had never thought about the princess in… more intimate ways. No one could guess that behind her cool and collected exterior, her interior was soft and mushy for one golden-haired lady. Not that Cassandra ever thought she'd have a chance to express those feelings. Rapunzel was very happy with Eugene, and someday they'd be married and have children and Cassandra would fade out of the picture. Probably go and make her own life. Hopefully get over her feelings and find some other woman to settle down with. Heartache was a normal and necessary part of life, and Cassandra had accepted long ago that her heart would always ache for Rapunzel, but never find respite.
"That's when I realized maybe the feeling isn't going away because it's always been here," Rapunzel's voice cut through Cassandra's inner turmoil. "Maybe it just took me awhile to understand it. Maybe getting Eugene out of my head and my life for a minute opened me up to new possibilities. Possibilities I had never considered."
"So you've been thinking a lot?" was all Cassandra could muster. As if it wasn't obvious by the volume of words Rapunzel had just spilled out. She really couldn't think of anything better to say. This, whatever this was, was really happening. Rapunzel was, more or less, confessing her feelings for Cassandra, romantic feelings, in the most roundabout way possible. If her confession was genuine, where did that leave Eugene? Cassandra certainly wasn't his biggest fan, which was obvious to everyone, but she would never hope for any permanent damage- physical or emotional- to befall him.
Rapunzel nodded, glancing up to see her friend staring down at her. Even when Cass tried to remain stoic, she could always catch a glimpse of concern behind those hazel eyes whenever she looked at her. If Rapunzel thought about it, Cassandra didn't look at anyone else in the same way. She had previously chalked it up to Cass being her best friend, but now...
"You were the first real friend I made in Corona, and you've been by my side almost as long as Eugene has. You've helped me on this journey just as much, if not more. You helped me adjust to royal life, you were there to answer all my questions and show me around and teach me all there was to know about the world. You helped me over the last several months to stop believing in the lies Gothel told me all my life.
"You didn't have to do any of that. You weren't even required to join me in following the Black Rocks, but you did. I am so grateful to have you here, and I don't think I've properly told you how much it means to have you with me. How much it means to me that you're in my life. You always have my back and I always want to have yours.
"I'm really glad to hear you say that, Raps," Cassandra turned, offering the princess a smile. "I was starting to think-"
No. No. This was all wrong. Cassandra was not a feelings person. Actually, she did have a lot of feelings, but those feelings stayed locked up inside and never saw the light of day. Especially not her feelings for the long lost princess of Corona, Rapunzel. She had a job to do, a duty to her kingdom and her country. She came on this journey to protect the princess, because protecting her meant protecting Corona's future. She was a soldier on a mission, nothing more. She just had to keep telling herself that until she believed it.
"Starting to think what?" Rapunzel prodded.
Cassandra recalled the mess she'd made the last time she'd told Rapunzel to forget about something. The super recent last time that was currently the topic of their conversation. She knew all too well Raps wasn't one to let things go. If she didn't talk now, it'd be non-stop nagging until she did. And Cassandra certainly didn't want another accident happening on account of her hiding things from the princess. Also, she couldn't say no to Raps' inquisitive puppy-dog eyes.
"I was starting to think you only see me as a servant."
"What? Cass, that's not true! Is this- Did Eugene say something? I know you two argue but if he told you that, that's crossing a line!"
Cassandra hesitated. Rapunzel had made her stance clear about a certain guide who had helped them through the Forest of No Return and the Great Tree. Their friendship, if there was anything left of it, was already on rocky ground after this latest incident. Speaking ill of someone Raps trusted could cause more irreparable damage. But what did she have to lose?
"Adira said something. At the Great Tree. And after you started listening to her and you started ignoring me, I thought maybe I'd made our friendship out to be more than it actually was. I am your lady-in-waiting. I am here to serve you and obey your commands. She just put me in my place. I tried to prove her wrong, to prove I meant something to you and that you trusted me over some stranger. But you proved me wrong instead. You trusted Adira, you put yourself at risk, you didn't let me protect you. I just wanted-" Cassandra bit her lip to keep it from quivering, pushing down the small spark of emotion that was threatening to show itself, "It doesn't matter what I want. This journey is about you and your destiny and I need to be better at listening to orders," she briefly considered getting up right then and there and going for a walk, but a hand grasping at the crook of her elbow made her pause.
"I know you don't like Adira, and she's not very fond of you either. But out here, we need all the help we can get, and as few enemies as possible," Rapunzel trailed her hand down to grab Cassandra's tightly, "Cass, all the decisions I've made out here have been hard. All of your lives are in MY hands. You are all out here, because of ME. Away from your homes and your families, and there's a chance none of us make it back. If anything happens to you, any of you, but especially you, I am responsible. I decided to take this crazy journey and I didn't ask anyone else to come with me, but you did. I don't know how I would have made it this far without you, but it's still terrifying to think that at any moment, something bad could happen. That's why I used the decay spell. Everyone was in danger and I was panicking and I did what I thought was the right thing to do. We are so close to reaching the Dark Kingdom, and I can't let anything happen to anyone. Even if something happens to me, as long as you all make it home safe, that's all that matters."
She was crying now, ever unabashed at wearing her heart on her sleeve. One hand scrubbed furiously at her eyes while the other squeezed Cass' hand ever tighter. Cassandra glanced back at the camp to make sure no one else had woken up, then pulled Rapunzel in close to her chest. Her friend- her princess- needed her now. The same way she'd needed her at the castle when she was overwhelmed with her duties as royalty or when she had nightmares.
"Raps, I know this is stressful for all of us. But we're going to get through it. We're ALL going home. I'll make sure of it," she held Rapunzel a little closer for emphasis.
"Cass," Rapunzel sniffled, once she had calmed herself enough to talk again, "I need you to know how much you mean to me. I need you to know if you found me before Eugene did, I would have fallen in love with you first. I need you to know I'm in love with you now. It just took a little push for me to realize it. You mean so much more to me than I could possibly say with words, and you know I can say a lot of words. You always have. I'm just stupid."
"You're not stupid!" It baffled Cassandra how such a glamourous ray of sunshine could get such a dark cloud over her head. "I'm stupid! I'm the one who cast the forgetting spell and started all this in the first place. I'm the one who fell in love with you. I go above and beyond my duties to you, not because I'm your servant, but because I want to share as many moments as I can with you. Someday, you'll marry Eugene, because you love him, and there won't be room for me in your life anymore."
"Cass, that's not-"
"I want you to be happy. I really do. But watching the two of you have the life I wish could have with you, would be torture. Love is torture, Raps. It's this parasitic thing that worms its way into your brain and then it consumes your heart and makes all your thoughts and hopes and dreams revolve around one person. Even if they're a person you can never have. Stupid, right?"
"No! Not stupid!" Rapunzel pushed away, hands splayed against Cassandra's armor. "Cass, your feelings matter-"
"You just think they matter because of the spell," Cassandra pulled Rapunzel's hands away from her chest and nested them in her friend's lap before letting them go. "You're. In love. With Eugene. Coming between you two wouldn't be right of me."
Rapunzel scooted across the rock, putting distance between them. "What if you're not the one that comes between Eugene and me? What if I'm the one?"
"Raps, what are you saying?"
"Everybody says he loves me, and I think he does care about me. Sometimes I just wonder if he mostly loves the idea of me. If he loves the idea of becoming a prince and someday the king and never having to worry about food or shelter again. He had a hard life. Then he rescued me, and now he has the undying gratitude of all of Corona. And he deserves all of that! But he can have most of it without being married to me.
"Eugene has his own life, his own friends. He had a life before he met me and he still lives it. Which is, not to say you didn't or don't have a life, you're just… always there, with me. You're always the one that offers to come with me when I want to explore or look for supplies or if we get trapped somewhere. You're always willing to risk your life for me. Eugene has been so indispensable on our journey, and I know he'd do the same if I asked, but with you, I don't ever have to ask.
"And that's… he loves me in his own way and that's okay. It doesn't mean he loves me any less because he lets me have my independence and take care of myself. But sometimes, he gives me a little too much freedom. Sometimes it feels like we're so distant, we're drifting apart."
"So you've fallen out of love a little," Cassandra had managed to beat back any affection she had been feeling, and was now focused on helping Rapunzel with an apparent relationship problem. "You just need to reignite the spark. I'm sure this journey has been difficult for you two without having any privacy. But when you get home, everything can go back to normal."
"That's just it. What if I don't want the spark to reignite? What if I want to start a new spark?"
"Rapsl, that's crazy. You and Eugene-"
"Cass, I am not crazy. I've been reflecting a lot on what has happened in my life. Where I've been. Where I'm going. Who I'm taking with me. Not just to the Dark Kingdom, but to my future. My future where I'm queen and I'm responsible for all of Corona and I have someone by my side ruling with me. Who that could be.
"I thought you always wanted to be close by because we're friends and we care about each other. Of course we care about each other. But I started to wonder if things had turned out differently, with the tower and everything, if maybe I would care about you… more. In the way I cared- care- about Eugene.
"Part of me feels like maybe I just got caught up in everything. Having my freedom, meeting another person, discovering the world. Maybe I rushed into things. I keep telling Eugene I'm not ready to marry him, and I tell myself I will be someday. But in all honesty, I can never see myself being ready. I like what I have with Eugene, but maybe I'd like it more if the things I share with him were shared with someone else instead.
"Another part of me feels like I owe him. He rescued me, he saved me, and he reunited me with my family. I should be- I am- grateful for that. I make him happy, and he makes me happy, but I'm worried the ways we make each other happy are no longer the same. I don't want to hurt him after everything he's done for me, for my family, for Corona. I don't know what to do, Cass. I don't think it's as simple as falling out of love temporarily. What if I'm falling out of love with him forever?"
"This is really bothering you, huh?"
Rapunzel nodded, fresh liquid gathering at the corners of her eyes.
Cassandra sighed heavily. She really hadn't expected to be playing comforter or therapist or whatever this was. But here she was, and here Rapunzel was, and here they both were. Spilling their guts out into the night air. Moreso Raps than herself. So maybe it was time to divulge a long-kept secret.
"I have to be honest, I can't say I haven't thought about it. How things could have been if I'd gotten to you first. I've thought about it for a long time, actually. Way before I accidentally cast a spell on you, and way before we even started this journey. I've thought about what it would have been like if I had found you instead of Eugene. I got a glimpse of that, and it was so nice to be so close to you. You were so vulnerable and I wanted nothing more than to protect you. Sometimes it feels like you don't need me at all. But if I'd been there, in the beginning, maybe you'd always feel like you needed me. The way you feel like you need Eugene. And I could always be by your side, protecting you."
"That does sound nice."
The moonlight made it hard to tell, but Cassandra could swear she saw Rapunzel blushing. Time to backpedal. "Yeah, well, we all think about things that will never be reality, Raps. It's not a big deal," she shrugged.
"Cass, your hopes and dreams are a big deal to me! Especially if they involve me. I think about you all the time, but I guess I've been so wrapped up in getting to know my mom and dad and the coronation and figuring out this whole princess thing that I've never considered you might see me as more than a friend. Or that I might feel the same way. Everything is so complicated and overwhelming and on the days when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind, just having you there helps me take a step back and breath. It's like everything feels like it's going to be okay, as long as you're there.
"Eugene is adventurous and I like adventure, but I can't always predict what he's going to do. He proposed to me in front of my parents, and you, and all of the royals in town for the coronation. Maybe he thought I would be ready, and I'm sure a lot of other girls would have enjoyed such a public proposal, but that's not me. And even though it's only been a few months, he almost proposed again during our travels. Maybe he thought I'd say yes if it wasn't in front of as many people. Maybe he's ready to get married and I'm not. He is older and he's had time to get his fill of the world, while my life is just beginning. He's ready to settle down. He is content to lounge in the castle most of the time while I'd rather be out beyond the walls of Corona. I want him to be able to have that relaxed, worry free life. I want him to be happy."
"You deserve to be happy too, Raps. I know you love Eugene and I want you to be happy. I wouldn't wish to take that happiness away from you. No matter what I want, this is your life. And I can't change- I mean, there are a lot of mythical artifacts in the world and I'm sure if I really wanted to I could change who found you first but- that wouldn't be right. Everything played out like it did for a reason. You're happy with Eugene, and taking that away because of my own selfish feelings… Even if you would never know, I would. I'd know what I stole from you. You love him, and he loves you, and I am learning to be okay with that. I don't like him, but I lov- like you. At the end of the day, I just want what's best for you. Even if I'm not what's best for you."
"But you are what's best for me, Cass. I care for you, just as much as I do for Eugene. Maybe more. And that's what I'm worried about. I'm- I'm not worried about caring for you, I'm worried about not caring for Eugene… anymore."
"Oh," Rapunzel's resistance was finally starting to settle in, "You're really serious about this. You're like, sure, sure?"
Rapunzel grasped the fabric of her dress in her hands, playing with it nervously. "I know this all feels like it's happening because of the spell, but it's not. I'm not sure, but I'm almost sure, but I-"
"Don't want to compromise the mission."
"Right," Rapunzel exhaled slowly, like a weight had been lifted off of her chest and she was finally able to breath again.
"I know he can be immature at times. But, he's old enough that he should be able to respect the decisions you make about your life. You said it yourself, he has his own life to live. At least talk with him. You leaving him is like a fantasy come true for me, but that doesn't mean I want there to be any bad blood between him or any of your friends. And I don't want you to make the wrong decision because you're feeling pressured. This is about your life, and your happiness. No one else's."
"But deciding to maybe, possibly, break- not be together anymore, affects him too."
"Staying together is clearly affecting you."
"I know, I know. But I had to be honest with you about what I'm feeling. I've always been able to confide in you and trust you. I want to keep doing that forever. Ha, I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record I just… I want you to know that what I feel for you is real. And I'm glad you opened up about your feelings, too. I know that's difficult for you, and I know it means you trust me more than I could ever comprehend. Please don't say anything to Eugene. I'm still trying to work things out and process them. But more importantly, I don't want to mess anything up before we reach the Dark Kingdom."
"You know this mission is my top priority. I'm not about to do anything to compromise it."
"Thank you. I knew I could trust you."
Rapunzel looked towards the camp and yawned, sleep calling her back to her bed. Traveling was draining enough, and now on top of it she was dealing with emotional exhaustion. The fate of Corona rested on her shoulders, but the burden was easier to bear knowing she wasn't alone. She moved to stand, but just before she did, she leaned over to plant a tender kiss against Cassandra's cheek.
"Thank you for listening."
Cassandra's hand brushed her face where her friend's lips had just been. She smiled sheepishly, ducking her head to try to hide her blush. There were few things in life that could get her flustered, and affection from Rapunzel topped the list.
"Any time, Raps. I could listen to you all day."
The golden-haired princess smiled and nodded, tucking back a stray hair behind her ear. She rocked on the balls of her feet, heart still heavy with words left unsaid, but body too tired to allow her to express them tonight. "Well, goodnight," she lingered a moment longer, taking in the vision of the other woman under the light of the night sky.
"Night, Raps."
It wasn't long before Cassandra found herself alone again. She let out a heavy sigh, almost like she'd been holding her breath the whole time. She was still trying to convince herself that the entire conversation she'd just had wasn't some kind of dream. Rapunzel- Rapunzel- was in love with her! Rapunzel wanted her. Rapunzel chose her! Sure, there were probably more ideal times for her to reveal such information, but at least she wasn't like Cassandra and was able to openly discuss her feelings.
She touched the space on her cheek again where Rapunzel had made contact. Yep, this felt real. No dreams, no weird spells, no wild imaginings. Raps had really beat her to the punch with her confession. Not that Cassandra had ever had any intention of revealing her feelings about the princess. But with her friend so unsure and confused, it felt unfair for her to be the only one sharing.
Well, I certainly won't have trouble keeping watch tonight, Cass thought. Her mind and her heart were both racing, head filled with visions of a potential future with Rapunzel. Those thoughts came often, especially on these lonely watches, but tonight, they were more vivid than ever. There was still no guarantee things would work out, and Cassandra knew better than to get her hopes up. Still, she couldn't stop herself from thinking,
Wow. Dreams do come true.
Support this and other stories! https://ko-fi.com/gemology
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21 Questions To Ask A Prospective SEO Agency (Part 1)
Thinking about employing an SEO agency? Here’s 21 questions to ask, and the sort of answers to listen out for.
If you choose the right one, your reputation (and career) will take a wonderful turn - choose badly and you’ll be out of a job in 6 months.
SEO is complicated and with all the other stuff you’ve got going on in your marketing day, you don’t have time to learn the minutia of all the elements.
The problem is, this situation leaves you vulnerable to being massively played by one of the many dodgy SEO agencies out there. To give you some armour against the rip-off merchants, below you'll find a list of questions to ask your prospective agency to ensure that they won't fritter away your budget on techniques that might actually damage your rankings. On the topic of the price of SEO, open this blog in a new tab, for later…
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Questions to ask seo agency
1. Can I talk to some of your previous clients?
Good Answer: “Why don’t you check out our reviews on Google and in the meantime, I’ll put you in touch with some happy clients in your sector.”
Bad Answer: “Uh, my clients are busy people - I don’t want to waste their time”
If your prospective SEO agency says “Uh, well, I don’t want to bother my other clients” or any other form of “no” then immediately hang up. A bad agency leaves a trail of disgruntled customers in its wake and they don’t normally want prospective customers to talk to them.
If your new SEO agency says “Yes” they’re probably the right sort of people to be speaking with. They might not give you access right away, but if they ask what you want out of your SEO and then consider which of their clients is best suited for a discussion, you’re off to a cracking start.
2. Can I see some of your SEO case studies?
Good Answer: “There are a few on the website, but if you can spare 30 mins I’ll take you through a blow by blow campaign we did for a business just like yours.”
Bad Answer: “Yes - you may not have heard of any of them, but we grew traffic by 10,000% every time!”
Lots of SEOs will say “With this client we had 10,000% growth!” but it’s really easy to get these kinds of figures.
For example - if the SEO agency is showing you a case study from a very new company who only saw 2 visitors from Organic Search in month one, then the client would only need to see 200 visitors from Organic Search in month two to see 1,000% growth. And those 200 visitors might have little or nothing to do with SEO!
Case studies of established businesses, with graphs from Google Analytics are good.
Even better - when those SEO case studies outline what the agency did and how it made a difference to the customer’s organic growth.
3. Describe your ideal client
Good Answer: “A good client relationship is more like a partnership, your team and ours should pool ideas and resources to get the best results”
Bad Answer: “Anybody quiet. SEO works best when you leave the experts to it and don’t ask dumb questions”
Get the SEO agencies you’re considering to describe their ideal client and see whether your business fits that mould.
Some agencies might do their best work with start ups, other SEOs might work best with businesses who have large marketing teams, agencies like Noisy Little Monkey enjoy working as part of a multi-agency team (with PR companies, media buying agencies and branding agencies all in the mix) but there are many SEO practitioners who don’t enjoy playing in a team.
In terms of what they need from you:
Do they need you to pay within a certain timeframe?
Do they need weekly calls, monthly meetings or similar?
Do they need you to be available at a moment’s notice?
Being the ideal client for an SEO company is beneficial because you’ll likely get more bang for your buck. Because you’re easy to do business with, they’re likely to look after you way more than someone who isn’t an ideal client (even when those big spenders are paying more than you)
4. In which industry sectors do you specialise?
Good Answer: “We’re strong in <insert your industry sector> and a few others”
Bad Answer: “We’re strong in all sectors because it’s all about the technology we use”
If your SEO is a specialist in your sector, they’ll probably not have to do as much groundwork as an agency who are already knee deep in the jargon inherent in your industry.
For example, suppose your business is in the legal sector. If an SEO agency has experience in the legal sector, that’s a good thing.... While it would be unethical for an SEO to simply duplicate work they’ve done for another solicitor, if they already know about some of the nuances in the legal sector they're more likely to get off to a flying start so your business sees results more quickly.
5. What CMS (Content Management System) does your SEO team prefer to work on?
Good Answer: “We’re pretty agnostic about the technology, but we’re particularly used to working with <insert your CMS>”
Bad Answer: “We’ll probably need to rebuild your site. Probably on Drupal.”
If your SEOs love WordPress and your website is on WordPress, great! That’s the system that powers most of the websites out there. You might want to check they’re not going to install any plugins other than the wonderful Yoast SEO for WordPress plugin. To use any other SEO plugin for WordPress is probably a sign that you’re talking to the wrong SEO.
If your new SEO claims to be an expert on the CMS you use, ask to see some examples.
As marketing automation and personalised content systems become more popular, finding an agency with experience of your marketing automation platform will become increasingly important. Noisy Little Monkey is famous for HubSpot SEO, if you happen to be using that one :)
If your potential new SEO agency starts talking about building you a site from the ground up then that’s probably going to cost you a lot of money. In some cases it is necessary, but you’re going to need more budget.
6. Ask yourself - what are my potential new SEO agencies blogging about?
Good Answer: “They blog about SEO and things that might make marketing more effective”
Bad Answer: “They blogged about a sponsored run they did. Two years ago”
An SEO that doesn’t blog is probably secretive and don’t practice what they preach. AVOID.
If they are blogging, is it useful advice rather than telling you how to game the system? This is important because Google creates algorithms that are designed as a proxy for human trust. The algorithms try to work out how humans indicate trust and then how to measure what is most trustworthy, The most trustworthy sites which are most relevant to a search query are those which show highest.
Is your new SEO is just interested in ‘gaming the system’ and trying to beat the algorithm rather than producing quality, helpful resources? If so, when they employ this methodology for your business you’ll lose out. Google’s algorithms are designed to get rid of the chaff and learn what’s most useful, so by always working to make your website a useful resource you’ll hopefully stay as the wheat.
In short, seek out an SEO agency that blogs with some regularity and provides useful resources - that’s what they’re going to tell you to do, and you’re going to need some help, training, sympathy and encouragement from an SEO who feels your pain.
7. Tell me 3 things I should fix immediately on my website
Good Answer: Starts with - “Hmmm, let me have a look - Aha! First you should think about changing….”
Bad Answer: “I can send you a 5 page audit”
A prospective SEO practitioner should have a look around your website for couple of minutes and then be able to give you some interesting and useful tips about what you could change and the benefits that might bring to your organisation.
It doesn’t matter if you already have an SEO doing work on your site, another SEO should be able to find more stuff to do, and quickly!
Technology rapidly evolves and the way humans interact with it changes too, so Search Engine Optimisation is never finished. There’s always more to do… The best SEO service providers never rest on their laurels and should always be able to spot something that can be improved.
Anyone who relies on templated audits and repeated explanations that everything in SEO is very expensive and very difficult is pulling the wool over your eyes - there are usually lots of smaller things that are easy to change to improve your website’s ability to rank.
8. Can I see your management accounts?
Good Answer: “What? Um, let me get my accounts team to send you something… What exactly is the information you need to see?”
Bad Answer: “No”
This might seem like an odd question, but you need to know how profitable your prospective SEO agency is, and it’s also a test of how well the business is structured
If you’re going in for a long term relationship, choosing a disorganised agency that could end up going out of business next week isn’t ideal…
Sometimes it’s difficult to get eyes on a new agency’s accounts. It shouldn’t be a deal breaker but it is worth checking. Go to Companies House and assuming your SEO company is a limited company or partnership, (which they probably should be) you can download their accounts for the last few years and see what their profit and loss was. Companies House only provides the basics, so it might be worth running the new SEO company’s name through your account department’s credit checking system, if you have one.
9. How much does SEO cost?
Best Answer: Check out this helpful article about the average cost of SEO
Good Answer: “At these early stages, it’s impossible to put an exact figure on it but typically there’s an upfront cost of about £X, and our average retainer is about £X, but let’s talk about what will work for you.”
Bad Answer: “Depends on how many backlinks we need to buy”
There are typically two options offered when you're talking to a reputable SEO agency.
There will often be a fixed sum for some initial project work, and then maybe an ongoing retainer.
The key thing, if they are suggesting ongoing costs, is whether they are writing or producing content on your behalf. It shouldn’t just be ‘doing SEO’, because once SEO is “done” to your website, it's done. What you want is fresh, relevant content that is link-worthy, so any ongoing cost should include content production.
Kermit the Frog typing quickly on a typewriter
10. How many people will be working on my account?
Good Answer: “Depends on the size of the job at hand - do you want to pop in and have a coffee with us so you can put names to faces?”
Bad Answer: “Only me. I outsource all the article syndication”
If the voice on the other end of the phone says “Oh, it’s just me - I’m a freelance SEO”, then that’s cool - assuming you’re paying a fee that fits that model. Perhaps if you’re considering paying thousands per month and there’s only one person in the SEO agency, that’s not such a good sign.
When there is a team of people working on your account, then you’d expect to pay more because, if they’re any good, they’ll throw plenty of resources at your project.
There’s no right or wrong answer to this, it’s more about getting a clear picture of how things are and ensuring that you are comfortable with it.
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11 July 2017 - This is so ridiculously long. This is what happens with a robron heavy hour long episode. It obviously gets super depressing at the end if you make it that far. You don’t have to read past the #TriggerWarning if you don’t want to. Let me know if any of you make it to the end of this nonsense. I hope some of it is funny.
[Outside the Shop with Robert, Aaron, Cain and Victoria]
ROBERT: We do have a kitchen at home you know? Remember that set they built us that we never use unless it’s for angsty scenes?
AARON: Yeah, but do we have a toaster yet? Nevermind. Didn’t really fancy seeing you though after our Plot fight yesterday. It’s the height of #PeakAngstWeek so I’m just going to be in a totally justifiably bad mood all day today, yeah?
ROBERT: Is this really how it’s gonna be?
AARON: No, this is how you...well the Plot really...but anyway...have made it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to work.
ROBERT: Well, it’s a good thing we conveniently work in the same place then. - side note, isn’t it great our jobs are semi important to the Plot today so it looks like we actually do them -
AARON: I never should have let Jimmy move the Haulage firm into the portacabin. I would have saved myself so much trouble.
ROBERT: Will you just let me explain what I think the Plot is trying to do one more time Aaron?
AARON: You don’t need to try and explain anything. I’m done with all the discourse. I just don’t like it. End of.
*Cain appears*
CAIN: Want me to batter him for you?
AARON: Have you even been briefed on our latest Plot Point?
CAIN: No, I just like hitting Sugden here and since you two got together properly, I haven’t had a chance to do it in a while. Let me know. Besides, I just needed to show that I remember you exist so that when I show up later to help you out, it’s a little less forced.
*Cain leaves*
AARON: Imagine what he’d do if he actually knew.
ROBERT: What are we arguing about again? What, that I didn’t shell out my life savings to help out his granddaughter the Plot never remembers is my niece anyway. And besides, she got her treatment. If I had stepped in, how would Faith have gotten her dramatic entrance?
*Victoria appears*
VICTORIA: You had the money to help Sarah?
ROBERT: Why are we having this conversation in the middle of the street?
AARON: No idea. I’m going to work where I probably won’t actually do any work. How does my business survive?
*Aaron leaves*
ROBERT: Don’t you start! *So tired of this Plot Point Face*
VICTORIA: Robert, she’s your niece!
ROBERT: *Oh now the Plot remembers Face*
VICTORIA: And she’s a sick little girl?!
ROBERT: And if the Plot needed me to, of course I would have stepped in. I can’t account for the Plot holes until the Plot decides to bring them up again for drama, Vic!
VICTORIA: And did you have the money to buy the house to stop Aaron from worrying about using his dad’s?
ROBERT: What? Did you get the same list from Tumblr that Aaron did? Or do you have our house bugged so you could listen to our arguments so you could weigh in later? *Leaves*
VICTORIA: Where are you going?
ROBERT: To get some earplugs cause clearly you’re never going to leave me alone about anything.
VICTORIA: You should pop to the shop that sells consciences while you’re at it!
ME: And condoms! I bet they sell condoms too! Just saying. (The beginning of conscience sounds like condoms and I couldn’t help myself)
[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Victoria]
ROBERT: *To some pour soul on the phone* I don’t want a credit note. Everything that you sell is for geeks. (FANDOM: But you are a geek Robert, don’t lie. #LetGeekRobertRise)
*Victoria knocks and enters*
ROBERT: Forget it. I’ll burn them. #Foreshadowing Keep the money! Buy yourself some Spiderman underpants. - They’re great. I actually have a pair. They’re the only ones my husband doesn’t steal from me. Though I think he just enjoys seeing me in them...and taking them off of me...which we haven’t done in a while. I wonder if that’s a Plot Point I should be paying more attention to….sorry...TMI? - What? Sorry, knickers then.
VICTORIA: *My brother is a moron Face*
ROBERT: I was so distracted by this stupid Plot that I didn’t even realize it was a woman. What are you doing?
VICTORIA: Nothing, just letting my temporary personality transplant settle in while I enjoy these amazing Plot chairs of yours. What are you doing? Spreading more joy?
ROBERT: The shop won’t refund me for the Plot chairs.
VICTORIA: *Really enjoying the Plot chair* Why would you want to get rid?
ROBERT: Because Aaron doesn’t like them and if Aaron doesn’t like something it goes. #Whipped
VICTORIA: Why are you still here then? #Burn
ROBERT: *So tired of this Plot Point Face* I was trying to do the right thing, Vic. Invest that money for our future, but the Plot is just setting me up for failure this week.
VICTORIA: Yeah, but you also just really like money.
ROBERT: Maybe. Character continuity is important Vic. I wish you’d remember that more often. Do you want the chairs?
VICTORIA: *Still enjoying the Plot chairs* I’d never leave the house. Then who would tell you how Rebecca is feeling?
ROBERT: They’re going cheap!
VICTORIA: Really seeing that character continuity now, Rob. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be you know. Sometimes character growth is more important.
ROBERT: Fine, take the chairs. I don’t care about the money.
VICTORIA: There, that’s better. That’s the kind of thing Aaron needs to see you doing. You have to convince him that you don’t care that having a ton of money in the bank is the most important thing in the world. Even though the Plot will make you think so when it inevitably brings up this argument again in the future.
ROBERT: *Thoughtful I’m totally going to do the wrong thing because I’m an idiot and the Plot hates me Face*
FANDOM: Did we just get through an entire Vic scene where she didn’t once mention the Plot Baby and she actually seemed somewhat concerned with how Robert AND Aaron were doing? Can we keep this version of Vic?
[The Scrapyard with Aaron and Adam (FANDOM: A Bartsy scene!!! With #ActualConversation!? What have we done to deserve this?)]
*Plot Barrel makes its deubt*
AARON: *Kicks the door* *Kicks the door again* (FANDOM: Is the door a representation of the Plot?)
*Adam drives up*
ADAM: Whoa! What are you doing?
AARON: Kicking this door. (FANDOM: Yep, definitely a representation of this Plot.) #Relatable
ADAM: Oh right, good, cause I was fed up with it not being broken! (FANDOM: Broken like our hopes and dreams and hearts…)
AARON: *Kicks the door again* #StillRelatable
ADAM: Has this got something to do with a certain unborn Plot Baby?
AARON: No! The Plot Baby isn’t the problem...well actually the Plot Baby is totally the problem but at least he’s being honest about that. (FANDOM: Is he though?) There’s a time scale to it so I know where I stand with that, which is more than I can say for him. I think I know where I stand with him and then it turns out that I don’t and then I do and then I don’t and mate this Plot makes me so tired and since we’re never allowed to have an #ActualConversation, especially one that doesn’t get forgotten about until the next Maxine episode, it’s really hard to keep it all straight.
ADAM: Well...we could get drunk?
AARON: It’s half nine in the morning Adam! Besides, alcohol is how this whole mess started.
ADAM: Fair point. Guess you’ll just have to talk to me sober then. *hits Aaron on the back of the head* - for the fans - In!
[The Portacabin with Aaron, Adam and Robert]
ADAM: 580 grand? Why are you not out car shopping right now? The way you two go through cars, I’m sure you’ll need another one soon. (ACTOR ADAM: Or you could get one that Ryan can actually get out with his dodgy knee!)
AARON: You’re missing the point. (DANNY: Though I’m sure Ryan would totally appreciate that.)
ADAM: No I’m not. I get it, but you can’t make people think the same as you mate. If you could, I totally wouldn’t be in this mess of a Plot with Vic that is currently taking a back seat to your Plot as usual. And it worked out in the end.
AARON: That’s not the point either.
ADAM: So what is the point? That Robert’s still an idiot?
AARON: And a liar when the Plot needs him to be, probably to make me cry some more.
ADAM: And you think that’s gonna change do ya?
AARON: Well something needs to. The fans are tired of me crying all the time.
ADAM: Is there more to this?
AARON: *About to possibly tell Adam important things about his feelings for once in his life*
*Plotbert and his briefcase full of cash money enter right on time for that not to happen*
ROBERT: Oh sorry, were you actually in the middle of an #ActualConversation. I don’t believe in those, so it’s gonna have to wait. *Is the literal definition of overdramatic as he swipes Adam’s feet off the desk to put down the briefcase and open it up with a determined look on his face to reveal stacks of fifty pound notes*
AARON: *Are you actually serious right now Face*
ROBERT: *Serious about you Face*
[Portacabin and Scrapyard with Robert, Aaron, Adam, the briefcase full of money and Plot Barrel]
ADAM: Do you need anyone to look after that?
ROBERT: Well you can take a selfie with it. #ThisIsWhatRealMoneyLooksLike *Ridiculously OTT Wink* But if you do, make sure to tag me on Instagram. I want people to know it’s my money. #HasLearnedNothingSinceHisLastScene #SetUpForFailure
ADAM: Humble, mate, very humble. I’ll leave you to your Plot Point now. My work is done here. See ya in a bit or not, because I’m not as relevant as I’d like to be.
AARON: *My husband is such an idiot Face* So what is this?
ROBERT: *Captain Obvious Mode Activate* A hundred grand.
AARON: *When will the Plot let my husband be less of an idiot Face*
ROBERT: It’s all I could get on such short notice. But I’ll get some more tomorrow. Cause this is totally what you wanted right?
AARON: And the reason for all of this is?
ROBERT: For you to give to Liv to pay for the house, obviously.
AARON: But the house has already been paid for.
ROBERT: Not the way you wanted. See, look! I listened. Now, praise me!
AARON: *Sorry, not going to praise you today Face*
ROBERT: But I’m giving you MONEY to prove to you that you mean more to me than MONEY.
AARON: Really? Cause all this looks like is you chucking a load of cash at your problems again.
ROBERT: No Aaron, it’s not just cash. It’s MONEY!!!
AARON: See what I mean!
ROBERT: I’m making quite a big gesture here. That’s always done me so much good in the past….wait…
AARON: I don’t want gestures! - I want #ActualConversation but in lieu of that - I just want to know I come before the money.
ROBERT: Without #ActualConversation, I don’t know what more I can do to prove it to you.
AARON: I have a great idea! Burn it!
ROBERT: That’s the opposite of a good idea Aaron.
AARON: But look, Plot Barrel is right there with a fire burning just for you. Burn it!
ROBERT: What’s that gonna do? Other than win me the world’s most stupid man award which I’m probably already in line for due to this ridiculous Plot.
AARON: *Walks out rambling about Robert and his precious money so he’s distracted*
ROBERT: *Is the literal definition of an over dramatic drama queen and slam dunks the briefcase full of money into the Plot Barrel of fire*
AARON: *Oh my god he actually did it Face*
ROBERT: *Oh my god I actually did it Face* *See, told you I loved you more than MONEY Face*
*Ad break to add extra drama*
AARON: *Uselessly tries to fish out the briefcase full of money with a piece of copper pipe*
*Chopstick banter* - hehe
AARON: What were you thinking?
ROBERT: You told me to burn it! I do everything you say!
AARON: Well that’s not true and you picked a bad time to start! *Get’s fire extinguisher*
*Super adorable scene of them fighting with the fire extinguisher and laughing and smiling and forgetting the Plot exists for a few precious seconds* - for the fans before the #PeakAngst begins
[Robert’s Porsche with Robert and Aaron]
*Cute banter about Aaron being a shit fireman and Robert burning the money*
AARON: No more lies (PLOT: Well that’s just not going to work)
ROBERT: No more lies (PLOT: That was a lie right there. Don’t make promises I won’t let you keep) If I could change this whole Rebecca Plot I would, Aaron, you know that.
AARON: Yeah I know.
ROBERT: I know it’s hard. #Understantement #Foreshadowing That Plot Baby is nothing to do with me and I will never ever ever let that situation come between me and you.
*The situation appears*
AARON: You shouldn’t have jinxed it. You gonna stop?
ROBERT: You want me to? But we just agreed…
AARON: The Plot put her there for a reason, Robert.
ROBERT: If it was anyone else…
AARON: Yeah, that’ll be the day.
ROBERT: *Puts car in reverse*
AARON: *I hate this fucking Plot Face*
[Side of the Road with Robert, Aaron and Rebecca]
AARON: *Dirty Little Grease Monkey Mode Activate* - for the fans (FANDOM: *Swoon*)
ROBERT: Do you have breakdown cover?
REBECCA: I don’t know. It’s not overly important to the Plot so I probably never bothered. And I once told Chrissie I knew a thing or two about cars because of all my travels but that knowledge has left me. So anyway, I phoned a taxi. I’m conveniently in a hurry.
ROBERT: Dare I ask where you’re going?
REBECCA: Hospital. I booked a scan.
ROBERT: Well I’m sure the taxi will be here soon and we can be on our way and continue ignoring this part of the Plot.
REBECCA: Well they said fifteen but I’m not sure I’ve got fifteen...I drank about a liter of water…
ROBERT: Why would you do that?
AARON: Helps with the scan. What? I’ve been doing some research on pregnancy. Someone has to. The writers and the storyliners aren’t. So...you want to take her? #AlreadyRegrettingThis
REBECCA: No, no, no! I’ll wait. (FANDOM: Why don’t you want him to go? #LetTheTheoryLive)
ROBERT: I suppose we could drop her off…
REBECCA: No, no it’s fine. #LetTheTheoryLive
AARON: Go on, you take her. #DefinitelyRegrettingThis
ROBERT: But we had plans…
REBECCA: I don’t want to ruin your plans… #Hilarious
AARON: It’s fine. I’ll walk back.
ROBERT: You can’t walk…
REBECCA: Are you sure? Wouldn’t want to be a burden.
AARON: I know all about not wanting to be a burden. Good luck with everything *Walking away* #RegrettingEverything
ROBERT: I’ll meet you in the pub after!
REBECCA: Is he okay?
ROBERT: Umm...probably not. But let’s get this over with.
AARON: Ethan! Mate, glad you’re conveniently out of jail when I need you. I need to see you now.
[Outside the Hospital with Robert and Rebecca]
REBECCA: Thanks for conveniently finding me on the side of the road and bringing me here. What are you doing now?
ROBERT: Paying for parking. The Plot obviously wants me to be here.
REBECCA: Yeah well you don’t really need to come in.
ROBERT: True...I could stay in the car and just give you a lift back.
REBECCA: Yeah whatever, I really need to go, in more ways than one. I’ll just leave you to think about it.
ROBERT: *Conflicted Face*
[Hospital Waiting Room with Robert and Rebecca]
REBECCA: *I really have to pee Face*
ROBERT: *I want to be literally anywhere else Face* What time is this scan supposed to be?
REBECCA: Now? You don’t have to stay.
ROBERT: Like I said, the Plot wants me to be here so...are you okay?
REBECCA: No. I really need to pee and I need to know everything with this Plot Baby is okay. Of course it would probably help if I saw an actual medical professional but...whatevs.
RECEPTIONIST: (FANDOM: Well at least they paid for someone in the hospital to have a speaking role) Rebecca White?
REBECCA: Present!
RECEPTIONIST: Is Dad coming in?
REBECCA: Oh he’s not the- #LetTheTheoryLive I mean, well, he is… #GetYourStoryStraight
ROBERT: I’ll just wait here.
REBECCA: You can come in.
ROBERT: No, I’ll wait. If I go in then that would destroy all the fans’ hope that there really is no baby. I can’t do that to them. #LetTheTheoryLive *Conflicted Face*
[The Mill of Misery with Aaron, Ethan (FANDOM: Yay!), Jason (FANDOM: Ugh)]
*Ethan knocks*
AARON: Hey, you took your time. I’ve got to get this taken care of before my husband gets back. I sent him to do something that is only making me more miserable, which is why I needed to see you in the first place.
ETHAN: Well, me helicopter’s broke down, which is probably for the best. I hear you all don’t like those around here. Though I heard that didn’t stop-
AARON: Well you can afford the bus ticket I suppose since you’re conveniently selling drugs on the outside as well.
ETHAN: It’s great to see you too man. Didn’t think I’d be hearing from you again after the prison storyline was just dropped like that.
AARON: Yeah well, the fans complained about that, so here we are. You all right?
ETHAN: No, but you’ll find out about that in a moment.
AARON: Right, you coming in?
JASON: Does that invitation apply to me as well?
AARON: Definitely not. How are you out of prison as well?
JASON: Well too bad. The Plot gave me the drugs!
AARON: #BetrayedByThePlot #WhatElseIsNew
[Hospital Waiting Room with Robert and Rebecca]
ROBERT: *To Aaron’s Voicemail* Hey Aaron, I’m calling you for the fourth time just cause. I miss you and I love you and you mean more to me than MONEY and this Plot. I hope you got back okay. Call me!
*Rebecca returns*
ROBERT: Great! Can we go now! I have to get back to my #BeautifulHusband who I will always care about more than you.
REBECCA: Right, fine, but you might care about this baby when I tell you the sex. Do you want to know?
ROBERT: *Conflicted Face* Sure, fine, whatever.
REBECCA: It’s a boy.
ROBERT: *Super conflicted, I have so many daddy issues, how do I handle having a son, I’m in a complete panic now Face*
[The Mill of Misery with Aaron, Ethan, Jason and Cain]
*Jason is predictably an asshole to rile Aaron up*
*Jason is homophobic*
*Jason brings up Gordon*
AARON: Are we doing this or what?
JASON: I need to know that you really want it.
AARON: Obviously.
JASON: Not feeling it Livesy (Aaron Dingle Defense Squad: If you call him ‘Livesy’ one more time…)
AARON: I’ll pay you double. - I really should have taken that briefcase full of money with me -
JASON: You’ll pay me triple. And you’ll do a little dance for me.
AARON: Sorry, mate. I don’t dance. I might sway, but only with my idiot of a husband.
*Jason is an asshole*
*Jason is homophobic*
*Jason brings up Gordon*
AARON: *Is done* Get out of my house! *Punches Jason* (FANDOM: Yay!)
JASON: *Punches Aaron* (FANDOM: Not so yay…Aaron Dingle Defense Squad Assemble!) *Pulls out a knife* (FANDOM: Coward!)
ETHAN: Oh come on. Put the knife down.
JASON: You can go now.
ETHAN: Sorry mate, how was I to know when you called, the Plot would have gotten him out of prison as well.
*Ethan leaves*
JASON: One time, I stood up for someone and the kids that were picking on him turned on me so...now I’m a bully. Go me!
AARON: *Tries to run*
JASON: *Knocks Aaron to the floor*
*Enter Cain to the rescue* (FANDOM: Finally!)
JASON: Well if it isn’t Cain Dingle. I mentioned you once. Glad to see it’s finally being paid off.
Hard man Cain > Hard man Jason
JASON: *Throws drugs at Aaron*
AARON: *Apologetic Face*
CAIN: *Disappointed Face*
ETHAN: *I know this isn’t what the fans wanted of me Face*
[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca and Victoria]
REBECCA: You sure you don’t mind me telling Victoria? Cause, she’ll obviously find out anyway. She knows more about me than I do.
ROBERT: Yeah, fine. Just don’t make a big deal about it in front of Aaron, the love of my life. *Looks around frantically for Aaron* Who is worryingly not here. Hmm...Plot, what are you up to now? Nothing good, most likely.
REBECCA: Is Vic working?
VICTORIA: Of course. I go where the Plot needs me. And...I feel my temporary personality transplant wearing off in 3…
REBECCA: We went to the scan.
VICTORIA: 2… The scan!!! Wait...you both went?
ROBERT: It was an accident okay! I didn’t want to be there! Let me make that perfectly clear.
VICTORIA: Fine, whatever. 1... So is everything okay?
REBECCA: Everything’s great with your nephew.
VICTORIA: BABY!!!! A NEPHEW!!! AWWWWWW! Mason, Grayson, Jayden…
REBECCA: Why are you naming my child?
VICTORIA: Well obviously I’ll be making this decision for you, so I’m just telling you what’s off limits. Also Braden and Brandon oh and definitely Walter, cause...Walter White. So that just leaves Vic! Cause I will be the most important person in his life so he should obviously be named after me. It’ll all make much more sense when I steal him from you after he is born...what? I’m not obsessed or controlling. Now, you go sit down and I’ll bring you a drink that I will decide on because you’re just a Plot Device and can’t make decisions on your own. Go on! Oh...Robert, what would you like?
ROBERT: You to remember that chat we had this morning about character continuity. Oh and an orange juice.
VICTORIA: Speaking of our chat this morning…*Makes money gesture with hand*
ROBERT: So...Bex, I guess we should set up a thing…
REBECCA: Very specific.
ROBERT: A trust fund or whatever. But Money and this Plot Baby are still not as important to me as Aaron. Again, just making that clear.
REBECCA: You want to do that.
ROBERT: It’s what the Plot wants.
REBECCA: You are the master of doing what the Plot wants.
ROBERT: Says the Plot Device. Look, I’m trying okay. So hard. If only the Plot would let me make some progress.
VICTORIA: Hey Bex, do you happen to have any proof that you actually went to this scan?
REBECCA: Yep, I got some 3D photos.
VICTORIA: Oh no, those don’t count. They look like badly drawn frogs. I guess I’ll just have to wait till it’s born. (Tinfoil Hat Fandom: Will it be?)
ROBERT: *Conflicted Face* Can I see? Damnit Plot! What are you trying to do to my resolve!?
[Outside the Mill of Misery with Aaron, Cain and Ethan]
AARON: Cain, wait up! I just want to say thanks for finally getting involved in my Plot. I was starting to think you forgot I existed.
ETHAN: Thank me too! I brought him to you as he was conveniently coming out of the pub earlier. I did good right?
AARON: Yeah, right. You did good.
ETHAN: Nice to see you mate.
AARON: Totally. If you want to move to the village with your girlfriend and baby and lesbian best mate, the fans will totally be cool with it. They’ve always said the show needs more lesbians and they like you.
ETHAN: Thanks mate. I’ll think about it.
*Ethan leaves*
CAIN: *Disappointed Face* Pathetic.
AARON: Look Cain, my Plot really really sucks. I needed a distraction.
CAIN: But do you not remember the Plot that broke up my own marriage? Your best mate’s sister died because of drugs! Remember?
AARON: Yeah, but...I’m struggling and if you knew anything about me at all, you would know that it was a huge deal for me to admit that. But when your husband is having a baby with a girl he got knocked up while you were inside, well, all bets are off.
CAIN: And drugs are going to fix that?
AARON: Well, no, probably not, but it’ll help me forget this Plot for a while.
CAIN: Again, do you not remember the Holly Plot? I also got word you brought it up with Ross when he was trying to sell drugs. If that’s not enough to deter you, then...I’ll see you at your funeral. (FANDOM: Umm...take that back)
[The Mill of Misery with Aaron and Robert]
AARON: *Stares at spice* *hears Robert coming in* *shoves spice down the side of the chair*
ROBERT: You’re back!
AARON: Been back ages…
ROBERT: And you couldn’t have sent me that as a message in response to the like 80 I sent you?
AARON: Don’t be so dramatic Robert, it was four.
ROBERT: So...what are you doing?
AARON: Sitting here...totally not doing anything suspicious at all.
ROBERT: I’m sorry for earlier.
AARON: Taking Rebecca to the hospital and leaving me to walk home?
ROBERT: Which you told me to do…
AARON: Well what was I supposed to say when we were already stopped?
ROBERT: Which, you also told me to do. Remember when I wanted to just drive right past her like she didn’t exist? Have I failed some kind of test here?
AARON: *Makes jokes to mask the pain*
ROBERT: I’m sorry. Everything is my fault. I really hate this Plot.
AARON: Did you go into the scan?
ROBERT: No, course not. Again, I only care about you. I waited outside.
AARON: In the car?
ROBERT: *Unnecessary Lie Alert* Yeah, course. - This will totally come back to bite me won’t it? - It’s a boy by the way. I’m only telling you because Vic knows cause she knows everything about this baby. *Unnecessary Lie Alert* Obviously I didn’t want to know but…
AARON: Wow, you’re having a son…
*Awkward tension filled silence* *Respective daddy issues boiling to the surface* *Both keeping quiet cause they don't want to hurt each other but are actually hurting each other more* #ThisPlotIsMiserable
ROBERT: So...once again, we are completely useless at our jobs - and I was so positive about that this morning - so let’s just skive off as usual and go get some tea at the pub.
AARON: Nah...I’m just going to push you away when I need you most. #IHateThisPlot
ROBERT: But I’ve missed you today *Off camera thigh touching* We clearly spend every moment together normally, so these few hours without you have felt like a lifetime. #Codependent
AARON: You go, I have to further my #PeakAngst Plot and you can’t be here for that.
ROBERT: I’ll pretend I heard you say you’ll meet me at the pub.
*Soft forehead kiss* - for the fans before #PeakAngst
#TriggerWarning
AARON: *Throws away the drugs*
FANDOM: Yay!
AARON: *Goes and pulls out a knife from the drawer*
FANDOM: We knew it was coming and yet it’s still fucking awful
AARON: *Lifts up shirt*
FANDOM: That’s a lot of fresh cuts Aaron?! When did you start doing this again?! Now you turning down sex makes a lot more sense...have you had sex since the reveal?! You were planning on going to a cosy B&B to celebrate with german beer after the #SweetRevenge?! Was sex not on the table then? Or did you start after?! It’s no wonder your relationship is deteriorating more and more every episode. Sex was always how you communicated best...cause clearly words are not your strong suit. #GiveUsActualConversationPlease
AARON: *Self Harms*
FANDOM: *Cries* *Aaron Dingle Defense Squad Reactivate!*
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Now, should that be ‘who’ or ‘whom‘ ? my grammatical’s are never the best.
In this post i am going to finish my current writing and video project : that of reviewing the boats and books of the late L. Francis Herreshoff. In previous posts i took a look at ‘The Compleat Cruiser‘ and ‘Sensible Cruising Designs‘ . Just as i was finishing the last episode contained within my post ‘The poor man’s yacht’ the third book arrived in the post, this one being ‘The golden age of yachting’. It’s most likely that i won’t get the video finished for this post because , shock-horror, i have actually got my boat alongside and i am actually getting some jobs done.
So, in this post i am going to take a look at 2 things : first the new book, as it covers a whole load of material from the big racing cutters of the late Victorian era and onwards, to a whole section about the glory days of the steam yacht…..essentially small private steamships. Second, i am going to try and get a sense of what Herreshoff’s America was actually like, what was going on at that time and so forth. The period that Herreshoff talks about in ‘The compleat cruiser’ and ‘Sensible cruising designs‘ seems to be the 1950’s or at least the immediate post second world war period. I said in my first section of the review that i really couldn’t get a feel for what the USA was like at the time so i had a lot of fun doing some basic research. The best way of putting that across seemed to be via a whole load of images, it being said that a picture is worth a thousand words…..so i have saved a few eh !
Ok so, first i would just like to say a few words about the structure and content of the book. First there is a quick historical tour of the early days of going on the water as a leisure experience as opposed to warfare and trade. The first ‘proper’ yachts as we might know them appearing as small armed sailing ships in the reformation period.
After that it’s straight into the big steam yachts and from there a technical discussion about the marine steam engine and then logically into smaller, faster steam launches such as ‘Turbinia’ which i had heard about. After that it’s into the really big sailing, racing and cruising, yachts including the big private cutters and schooners up to and including the inter-war years. After that there are sections about the ‘J’ class and the races for the America’s cup.
The racing cutter ‘Reliance‘ in dry dock, one of the most extreme and short lived boats ever built.
Lets take a look at the kind of thing, i hesitate to say boat, that Herreshoff is talking about in his section about the great era of steam yachts. The one i found a useful image of online actually made me smile in the same way that my recent boat names thread did : boats such as ‘Chuckle’ (Chuckle made me smile post), recently, ‘Fat bottom Girl’ and most recently the appropriately named ‘Slaphead’. I do love a good boat name, especially the ones that are a bit more personal than the endless ocean this and storm that.
The steam yacht below is, as far as i can tell, ‘La Belle Sauvage’ and if you know modern steampunk literature at all you will know that ‘La Belle Sauvage’ also appears in a book except that it’s in Philip Pullman’s recent book from the dust series and it’s a canoe. It is owned by the hero of the story , a young boy and it’s owners friend keeps over-painting the name to call it ‘La Belle Sausage‘. I read Pullman’s book while i was recuperating from my knee surgery and it made a nice relief from far too much Solzhenitsin, Dostoyevsky and Nietzsche…..far too heavy a diet !
La Belle Sausage then in all it’s obnoxious glory. Lets just call it the BS for short.
Now i don’t know how many crew it took to run the ship, for small steamship it was, and to look after the maybe half dozen family and guests but a similar ‘yacht’ had 140 crew* according to the book ! As i sit and try to account for that many people i start at one end, so obviously a captain and mate or 2, then a chief engineer and probably a couple of engineers mates, after that i guess a bunch of sweaty stokers and oilers. What else ? a bosun and some deckhands, quite a few stewards to pander to the owner’s every wish, maybe a governess and teacher if the family had children, but 140…..i wouldn’t even be able to remember their names. That one maybe was a bit unusual being a ‘Royal’ yacht so add to the ‘useful’ crew a whole load of ladies-in-waiting and basically flunkies of some kind …..the norm for the ‘great’ steam yachts being a mere 40-50 or so.
Just to put that in context, the great clipper ship Cutty Sark, of the same approximate time frame sailed with a crew of between 26 and 30. Cutty Sark carried some 32.000 square feet of sail and she was said to be able to run at an average speed of 17 knots….to put that into context the maxi yachts that i sailed, considered to be the big boats of that era carried around 5,000 square feet of sail and usually had around 17 or so crew. I have laid alongside a couple of big modern superyachts (power) and the biggest of those ‘only’ had 40 crew including one stewardess who just looked after the owner’s wife’s clothes. I have heard it said that the modern superyachts owned by the current super-wealthy run with about the same number of crew, except that quite a few of the newer ones include a heavy contingent of personal security.
Herreshoff tells us that this was the glory days of the great steam yacht and genteel living for a few aristocratic families. Somehow i thought these would be the newly wealthy of the USA in it’s prosperous pre-first war era but apparently not. Although there was some new wealth, even super-wealth, most of the big yachts were from Europe and a several of those were British owned. Now, ok so the British Royals had one or 2, and several big racing cutters for sport, Britannia for example, the Kaiser (some German geezer with a dodgy helmet) had one….oh and he had a big schooner as a racing dayboat ! etc etc.
Kaiser Wilhelm 2nd aboard the Meteor
Before i get too far into my own opinions about Herreshoff’s ‘golden era’ it would be as well to read some of his words. These short takes are from the sections about the great steam yachts : only one of several sections of the book.
Herreshoff says :
“One of the things i remember about the large steam yachts was their characteristic and delightful odor. If you passed under the stern or close to leeward of one of them you smelled the combined odor of new varnish, linseed oil, brass polish , Havana cigars and champagne all mingled with engine room smells and the slight odor of teak and other exotic woods, to say nothing of the burned gases of the naptha launches . To a sailor this combination was delightful.
Unfortunately there have been handed down some strange stories about life in the larger American yachts. I can assure you that these stories are not typical of the life that was actually led in these yachts when whole families were usually present. I believe life on the larger English yachts was the most refined of that of any class that has been known
Their owners were often titled men and their ladies descended from ancient earls. This perhaps was one of the reasons they were such good sailors”
Me again : well i can hardly keep my bile in check. I can only guess that life aboard was something like an upstairs/downstairs division of class. For sure the captain may have been held in some regard as a competent and loyal retainer but from there on down i suspect that it was a stratified society all the way downhill to the lowly stokers who, Herreshoff says, were controlled by the Ch.eng with threats and persuasions ! I guess that a ‘job is a job’ at any time and maybe a job on a steam yacht was a lot better than some.
Nor can i see how Herreshoff gets from a descent from ancient earls to ‘good sailors’, i once had the pleasure of knowing an old yacht surveyor who had sailed on the big cutters and the J class yachts. I cant imagine the landed gentry somehow as bowmen or mastmen aloft on a big racing cutter….perhaps ‘good sailor’ simplay meant that they knew which side of the boat to up-chuck on. The old surveyor i knew told me that the skippers and crew of those big boats were made up principally of Essex smacksmen who sailed and fished all winter off the coasts of Europe and then made their real money by crewing the big race boats during the summer. The lives of the smacksmen makes for much more interesting reading to my mind but that doesn’t appear in Herreshoff’s book at all but what does appear is his apparent disdain for professional yacht captains of his own era.
I find it very hard to read this kind of thing, although technically interesting, without holding in mind the greater history of the period. That i find is my own take on all of Herreshoff’s books where the boats and sailing seem to be happening in a vacuum with no reference to anything else going on : a couple of major wars for example. If we take just one enormously privileged and powerful royal dynasty’s of the time, the Saxe-Coburgs for example, in one branch we get the British royals, in another the Russian Czar and then of course we have Kaiser Wilhelm…..well between them i think they should have had the power and influence to prevent the catastrophe of 1914-18 and none of them did. I can barely control my contempt for the whole useless lot of them.
Dodgy helmet day !……what a total arse .
Well….lets move on.
In parallel with reading Herreshoff’s ‘Golden age of Yachting’ i have been trying to create a sense of what Herreshoff’s America was like at the time he wrote ‘The Compleat Cruiser‘. That period seems to be the immediate post second world war period, so the 1950’s and i only have a fragmented idea of what that period was like in any sense. I’ve studied the history of the cold war, so called, from a British perspective because i had an interest and i lived very close to the UK’s own ‘V’ bomber bases. Of course these were the early years of the nuclear era with the USA developing the hydrogen bomb in 1952 and the Soviet Union having a fully functioning weapon by 1955.
That was only one small area though so i did searches for everything from returning servicemen and what their lives were like, the politics of the era for example the MCcarthy hearings and the civil rights movement. While reading ‘The Compleat Cruiser’ i wondered what Mr and Mrs Goddard, their daughter ‘Miss Prim’ and her mate Veronica looked like, what their homes were like, what it was like at work and so on. From there i looked at advertising, art and music : did you know for example that doctors were portrayed in cigarette advertising not only smoking but claiming that smoking was healthy and good for you ?
What i did then was to create a series of image files about different aspects of American’s lives as seen through the camera, through advertising and art and simple searches of some events. The 1950’s not only appear to me now as a period of radical change about to happen but look very visually different to what i was expecting. Here they are with a short explanation of each slide show file. They really need a soundtrack, maybe a big band sound, maybe Elvis ! …..lets make it Glen Miller :
youtube
1.Returning servicemen.
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2.The nuclear age.
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3.The life of work.
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4.Home life.
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5.Fashion.
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6.Politics.
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7.Advertising.
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8.Culture.
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Now i just need a good sailing book written in the 1960’s…..that would be fun !
*British Royal yacht ‘Osborne’, according to Herreshoff the usual complement was about 50 crew.
A Golden age….but for who ? Now, should that be 'who' or 'whom' ? my grammatical's are never the best.
#America 1950#Civil rights#Gay movement#Golden age of yachting#L Francis Herreshoff#Mc Carthyism#Nuclear era
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Monitor
The room was dark as I switched on my monitor, with a satisfying, audible click. The static buzz that filled my ear as the electronics around me came to life felt nostalgic, familiar even. My knees up to my chin, a comfortable, even fetal position as I sipped my can slowly, firing up my browser. It felt like an eternity since I had allowed myself to engage in the world of the web, a habit of mine that I had long known I needed to curb. The familiar, custom homepage I hosted myself greeted me. Having dropped out of a computer science course, I knew the odds and sods about web programing, and I created my own little safe space, a bubble that served me exactly what I needed. And that’s where I resided, stagnant and, well, safe, for months, before my parents finally cut my expense account, finding out I had dropped out of the prestigious course they had so much hope for. That was a wakeup call for me, an epiphany that I had failed somewhere along the way. Realizing how much of my life had been wasted by the virtual, I permanently shut down my computer and found myself a real, grounded existence. For the last 6 months, I had been working at a construction site, a true, honest, if thankless task. For 6 months, I had managed to stay away from anything virtual, anything remotely resembling the internet. I had even gone out of my way to buy an old brick phone, and used it only for calls from work, and the new friends I had found myself. Friends, who just like the new me, shunned the virtual. I had even saved enough to move out of the crummy, derelict student accommodation I had been inhabiting. After packing all my things, it had come to my abandoned, locked away computer room. I felt that, after 6 months of abstinence, I deserved a quick look. The people I had left behind without a word deserved a message, something to remember me by.
The hum of my custom-made pumps was so soothing to my ears. I had truly missed this. The first site I loaded was a video sharing site, a beautiful collection of the world’s most creative minds. 6 months’ worth of content was a large collection to be admired, and I savored every moment of catching up to these people I knew so well. My most loved subscription, a small, independent vloging channel had only one video, and I knew this was something to be left till the very end of my rendezvous. Next up was a blogging site I had frequented. This service, much easier to create content for than the video site by far, had much more work I had fallen behind with. Dramas, relationships, breakups. So much can change in the life of the world in as little as 6 months. I felt a slight pang of guilt, even jealousy, when I found out my best friend, a blogger by the name of Alice had married, and I wasn’t invited. But of course, upon checking my messages, I had discovered that I was invited, in fact, many times. My inbox was a stab straight at my heart. When I disappeared, at first people sent heartwarming messages, about how much they missed me, that they hoped I was ok, and that I would come back… But when it became clear I wasn’t coming back, the love and sympathy turned to anger and resentment. Reminders of promises, of vows and loves came scathing at me, each one hurting like a bullet straight into my heart. I was called a lying whore, a disgusting fake. In a way, they weren’t too far from the truth. I wasn’t really who I said I was, although deep down, I think I was. I think every time we invent a persona, it’s something within us that wants to be free. And when we kill this persona… well, sometimes, our mind just cannot cope. And neither can the minds of the people around us.
While checking my messages, I found some from a blog that I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember following. Of course, 6 months of non-contact and make specifics blur, but this was such a distinct, atmospheric page that I found it strange I couldn’t remember ever looking at it. The background, as was common on this site, was a tiled repetition of the same gruesome, “attention grabbing” image. In this case, it was the slender, beautiful, pale white wrists of what looked to be a young woman. The image was grayscale, although probably, color would have made it one hundred times more impactful. The girl’s wrists were slit, in several places. Never along the veins, only over them. For attention, as so many of the young people on this site. I sighed with relief at having abandoned this community, remembering how close I had come to this pitiful state myself. Of course, I did not judge, or even think less of people who stooped to this. I understood them. Understood them too well.
Not remembering this blog at all, I decided to have a quick skim of it, to see if anything jogged my memory. The first post started innocently enough;
“My main blog is too well known, I am getting all sorts of creeps! From now on, I will post on here, for my real friends!! ;) ;)”
I smirked at that little entry. Oh, how many times had I had the same idea, to just emigrate to another blog space, another site, another domain… And yet it was always the same, the people who wanted to find me, they always did somehow. If only this community dedicated as much attention to real world problems as they do to their little dramas, petty loves. The blog continued, predictably, with hate on the authors parents, peers and whoever else they thought dragged them down:
“Ugh THEY JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME! THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WENT THROUGH, WHY I FAILED THAT EXAM. TO CUT ME OFF, TO DISAOW ME, LIKE THAT.”
The readers of this blog seemed to be sympathetic enough to this cliché entry, spouting truisms and tried bull about the world not understanding people “like us”. And to think I came so close to falling into the same echo chamber, the same trap. Finishing off my drink, I decided to call it a night. I still had a lot to pack, and I was growing truly tired. Maybe I had wasted a bit too much time on this trip to the past.
* * *
The next day at work, I felt kind of ill at ease. The supervisor was being especially difficult, and the project we were working on was coming to an end. We were building a sanatorium out in the mountains, apparently for people who were too “stressed out” by modern living. My parents had often mentioned such places to me, with the hopes that I would move to one. “We can see how you struggle, we understand. We can help you.” Of course, if I had wanted to, I could have had such a facility all to my own. There are perks to having parents in the banking industry, of course. Not that those perks apply when you are cut off. Downing my fifth coffee of the day while still regretting the first, I swallowed my discontent and pushed through the rest of the day.
When I arrived home, I quickly started packing up the rest of my belongings. Mostly routers, servers, firewalls, laptops and other crap I had bought second hand with my allowance from dodgy sites. I had used them all to bounce my browsing habits, in the hopes that I could one day hack my way into riches that my parents couldn’t even imagine. Riches that would make them proud. There was at least ten thousand dollars’ worth of equipment here, and I made a mental note to research the proper prices and get at least some of my money back. It would be a good kickstart to my new life. When I had finished packing everything except my main computer, I decided it was a good idea to take a break. Fetching my last crate of beer from the fridge, I sat in front of the PC and switched it on again. I decided to continue reading the blog from the other day. Laughing at people like me felt like a good way to blow off steam. As I scrolled through months’ worth of this blogs posts, they became less and less coherent. Some even mentioned murder of some loan collector who had come by the authors house. This was of course, attention calling garbage, garbage of the type that I had engaged in before during my “career” as a blogger. I had even had the police called to my apartment, multiple times, because of such “white lies” I wrote to increase my fanbase. This post seemed particularly gruesome though, describing in detail dismemberment and disposal of the poor worker’s body. Apparently, it was pretty hard with a “shattered wrist from the fight”. This kid’s imagination was wild, must have watched far too many movies. Sulfuric acid? Really? Smirking, I turned off the PC and packed it into the last box, ready at last to move out when the trucks came tomorrow.
* * *
Interestingly, I had had my own run ins with the tax collection agencies. When my parents cut me off, I had taken a massive loan from a “friend” at university, to get me through until they realized they cannot win a war of attrition and came scuttling back to me. Unfortunately, it turned out they could hold out longer than me and the debt collectors soon came a knocking. After a few scuffles, one which involved a broken bone, was when I decided to get myself together and found my construction job. It wasn’t easy, but I paid off the debt, and even managed to open a real bank account, getting a real credit card to help in times of need. I thought about this as I waited for the moving men to arrive, who were getting ridiculously late. When I became bored of waiting idly, I unpacked the computer and decided to finish off reading the blog. There wasn’t much left according to the post counter, I was only about 100 posts from the end. Each post became less and less coherent, less and less sane. I became sorry and worried for the kid. Their self-harm seemed to increase, with more and more pictures being posted. This made me scratch at my own wrist, covered in a bandage from an accident I had earlier moving the desk. The kid spouted on and on about murder, revenge on society, and lastly, suicide. Suddenly, they announced they will live stream it, with a link to my favorite video sharing site. By this point I was worried sick, although I cannot deny a gruesome interest in whether they did it. I clicked on the link, which took me to my favorite channel, the one I had left as a dessert to my goodbye to the Internet. There was only one video. Streamed today. The title, “It all Started 6 Months Ago.” Speaking of which, the first post of that blog was 6 months ago. Strange. As I clicked on the video, I looked down at my feet. Why were they floating above the ground?
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Discover A Passionate Encounter Today
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