can i say something. for years i thought the joke of the song short skirt/long jacket by cake was that he wanted a woman who was hung like a horse. like i thought when he says jacket it was a last-second fakeout because he very obviously meant to say cock. and the rest of the things in the song were just her personality and interests. which were secondary to her awesome penis

a non-filipino's guide to trese: ep 1

So some of my mutuals decided to check out Trese aka the Netflix adaptation of the Filipino horror comic book series that I keep rambling about here and then since well um most of my mutuals aren’t from the Philippines fshfs I decided to make a long-ass post that basically consists of me rambling about the cultural context present in Trese with fun little tidbits about Filipino folklore. I’m not an expert on Filipino mythology so um I just typed out the stuff that I know and the stuff that I looked up on Wikipedia so um take this with a grain of salt aaaaa I’ll save the extensive google scholar research ramble on folklore present in Trese for another day.

I’ll try to find the sites where I got some of the information from cause um yea I kinda had a bit of a hard time finding the other shit so um once again, take the stuff here with a grain of salt. Also, feel free to add more info if you guys got any!

SO ANYWAYS ENJOY ME RAMBLING ABOUT EPISODE 1 OF TRESE WOO

+ MRT and LRT (Manila Metro Rail Transit and Light Rail Transit) are train systems in NCR (the capital region) and yea them suddenly stopping and malfunctioning in the middle of the goddamn rail is a daily occurrence and we have been trying to deal with this bullshit for years but alas, corruption and negligence are sweet sweet drugs.

+ When the MRT broke down, you'd see a red bee in the flashing billboard right? Well that's Jollibee and that's probably the most well-known fast food restaurant chain here heck there are even branches of it abroad!

+ According to many youtube comments along with other social media posts that I am way too tired to link here, the opening theme is an Ifugao ethnic song called Balluha'd Bayyauhen but with modern accompaniments and I think the song is about a fruit called a balluha that the character in the song tries to it but cannot swallow. (someone please correct me if I’m wrong here fjkfs)

+ The first um monster that we see Alexandra interact with is the White Lady of Balete Drive. White Ladies or “Kaperosa” are a type of female ghosts typically dressed in ghostly white dresses or similar garments. According to legend, she died in a car accident while driving along Balete Drive (a two lane street formerly lined with Balete Trees which are said to be a home for spirits and mysterious creatures) in Quezon City while other accounts say she died waiting for the arrival of her lover; others also say that she was a teenage girl who was run over and killed by a taxi driver at night and then buried around a Balete tree while another variation of the tale claims that a student from the University of the Philippines was sexually assaulted and killed by a taxi driver nearby and so said ghost haunts the street in search of her murderer. There are many other variations but according to local rumor, the legend was fabricated by a reporter in 1953 in order to make an interesting story. What remains consistent in many variations is that apparently taxi drivers would be stopped by a beautiful lady asking for a ride and if one would look at the rear window, they would see that the white lady in question is bruised and drenched in blood.

+ There are a lot of mentions about "lakans" and stuff in reference to Alex and her father right? In precolonial times, the term is used to refer to the paramount ruler or the highest-ranking political authorities in Tagalog communities (so um NCR and some parts of Region 4). In Muslim communities, they are called sultans while communities with strong trade connecitons with Indonesia or Malaysia called them Rajah. Datu is umm the more generalized term though when it comes to discussing the leaders of the precolonial Filipinos.

+ So, Alex’s mom is a babaylan and back in the pre-colonial period, each barangay (which a native filipino term for a village or a district; said term is still used today to describe um divisions in municipalities like) had them and these are basically Philippine shamans and they specialized in communicating with the spirits of the dead. To my knowledge, the role of babaylan went to women and yea people assigned male at birth but then identified as female were also allowed to become babaylans and they would be treated with the same respect given to any woman back then (honestly I dunno much about lgbtq+ stuff back in the precolonial times but all I know is that precolonial Filipinos were much a lot more welcoming towards trans identities bUT THEN THE SPANIARDS CAME AND UM ERR RUINED THAT); also the writing Alexandra's mom did in that one scene with the dagger is in Baybayin - preHispanic Filipino script. I dunno what she wrote down though. .

+ Also I kinda find it funny that the people here esp those who were at the White Lady scene are um,,, not at all surprised? Like yea quite a number of filipinos have their own superstitions and beliefs and all that but um yea the people in Trese seem very used to the bullshit,,,which in retrospect, isn't at all inaccurate fsdfd I MEAN WE DEAL WITH UNSURMOUNTABLE AMOUNTS OF BS ON A DAILY BASIS SO I DON’T THINK DEAD GHOSTS WOULD EVEN FAZE MANY FSKJDS

+ The one that appears right before Alexandra talks with the duwende (the one in the manhole) is called Laman Lupa (which i guess translates to um "What is in the earth"? just um YEA THEY ARE DIRT CREATURES). normally this is an umbrella term for duwendes and nunos but in Trese they are servants of these aforementioned creatures.

+ Duwende (which came from the Spanish phrase "dueno de case" which means "owner of the house") or dwarves in Filipino folklore are known to be mischievous and magical environmental guardians. They are believed to reside in trees or under earth mounds (those that live in the latter are called nuno sa pundo or old man of the mount) which is why quite a lot of Filipinos say "tabi tabi po" or “excuse me” when wandering around a forest or earth mounds as a sign of respect and in the hopes the duwende won't torment them. If the person is friendly, the duwende can also be friendly in return and will bring that person good lucl; otherwise, those who destroy their homes by stepping on them will face their wrath in form of heartless curse and predictions of ominous and disastrous fates. A duwende's color also depends on their budhi or conscience: to my knowledge, white duwendes are kind, red ones give protection amulets, green ones are firnedly with children and the black ones give nothing but trouble.

+ Chocnut aka the snack Alex bribes the nuno with is a very yummy chocolate snack made of coconut milk, crushed peanuts and cocoa powder. They are umm about an inch in length and maybe half an inch in width so it's fairly small; that being said I WANT THE CHOCNUT THAT ALEXANDRA HAS CAUSE HOT DAMN THAT'S A BIG CHOCNUT

+ In Trese, the creatures in the MRT scene and in the warehouse Alexandra visits after she talks with the duwende are called "aswang". In Philippine folklore, it is an umbrella term for any kind of monster so um an aswang in Luzon would be very different from the aswang in Mindanao. According to what I saw on wikipedia, they can be classified in 5 categories: the vampire (self-explanatory um they drink blood), the viscera sucker (the manananggal, i'll get to that next time), the weredog (cats and pigs are also possible but um yea they target pregnant women), the witch (self-explanatory boom curses and stuff) and the ghoul (they gather near trees in cemeteries to feast on human corpses). Aswangs are often described to have a long, hollow tongue, sharp claws and sharp teeth, although they do also have human forms.

+ To my knowledge, Ibwa, the leader of the aswangs in the warehouse, is a creature from Tinguian or Itneg mythology (they, like the Ifugao, are an indigenous ethnic group in northwestern Luzon) though I could be wrong about this dksfsf Ibwa seems like an ethnic filipino term tho wah I can't remember where I once read that. But anyways, Ibwa often stalk sthe house of a dying person to steal its body. In order for the ibwa to NOT succeed in that, some people burn holes in the garments of the dead and put a sharp iron object on top of the grave since those are most powerful weapons against aswangs which is what Alexandra uses to subdue the Ibwa and kill all the other aswangs (the knife alex uses is named Sinag which means "ray of light".)

+ ALSO I AM SO SO GLAD THEY KEPT THE FILIPINO SWEARS IN THE ENGLISH DUB YES YES THIS IS A VERY GOOD JOB so lemme discuss the versatility of tangina-

+ Also umm Bossing is a nickname of Vic Sotto - one of the three pioneer hosts of Eat Bulaga! which is the longest running Philippine noontime variety show. Over time, most probably due to the show's popularity, the term "bossing" then became um slang for "boss" or "chief"

+ Translation of what Alex says when she's stirring the eye inside the cup: “In the eyes of others, secrets will reveal themselves.”

+ Sidenote: The English dub's pronunciation of many of the tagalog lines are um yea they r pretty good but they could use a bit of work but then again I'm really not that good in speaking in Tagalog so who am I to judge gkdkf sorry po guys conyo po ako-

+ Maria Makiling is arguably the most famous of all the diwatas (ancestral spirits, nature spirits, or deities) in Philippine Mythology; she is associated with Mount Makiling in Laguna as the guardian spirit of the mountain. Mount Makiling is said to resemble a profile of a woman and people associate the profile with Maria herself. She is also known as a goddess by the name of Dayang Masalanta and people would pray to her for safety and to stop storms and earthquakes. That's the goddess Alexandra's mother mentions right when she tells Alex to hide. (Translation to what she said there: Maria Makiling, goddess of the mountain, bless us.)

+ ALSO YEA THAT MAYOR IN THE MRT STATION IS UMMM RATHER REMINISCENT OF MAAAANY POLITICIANS AND PUBLIC SERVANTS HERE LIKE BELIEVE ME I CAN THINK OF SO MANY NAMES RN. THEY WOULD FLAUNT THEIR MACHISMO AND PROMISE THAT THEY THEMSELVES SHALL PUNISH THE PERPETRATORS HARSHLY BUT IN THE END THEY DONT MEAN SHIT AND ARE IN OFFICE TO SERVE ONLY THEMSELVES AND TO SHIT ON THE REST ESP THOSE OF THE POORER SECTORS AND *NOTHING IS DONE ABOUT IT*. WE LIVE IN HELL OKAY. also hmm how the police are represented here is umm,,,interesting,,, like i know there are sOME good police officers like the ones alexandra assists but like,,,our current sociopolitical climate + the many cases showcasing the corruption in the police force + tHE SHEER AMOUNT OF POLICE BRUTALITY HERE would ummm beg to differ. but um anyways-

+ Also Mang Inasal posters can be seen in the MRT station backdrops and um it’s a very famous restaurant chain here and they serve lots of barbecue and other filipino stuffs and i miss them a lot God their halo halo is very yummy

+ Santelmo - oki so this is the fire face thingy that Alexandra summons inside the ruined train. This is the shortened version of the term "Apoy ni Santa Elmo" or "St. Elmo's Fire" - this is a weather phenomenon wherein plasma is created from an electrical discharge from a rod like object in an atmospheric electric field. This phenomenon was used to warn of imminent lightning strikes or storms (there is a chapter in Noli Me Tangere where Pilosopo Tasyo talks about that bUT I'LL SAVE THE NOLI ME TANGERE RAMBLES FOR ANOTHER DAY). But according to Philippine folklore, santelmos - which are said to be souls of people lost as sea - are balls of fire that appear where accidents or big arguments happen. In Trese, santelmos (alex's santelmo being "The Great Spirit of the Binondo Fire") can be called to assist in supernatural investigations

+ Translation of what Alex says when she draws the circles to meet with the purple ghosts: "Souls, where are you off to? I'll be entering too, so please open the door."

+ Remember the scene at the train with all the purple ghosts and the woman in a veil? Yea the woman is an emissary of a goddess named Ibu and she is the Manobo (again, another indigenous ethnic group but this time they're from Mindanao; fun fact we have around 134 ethnic groups) goddess of deceased mortals and the queen of the underworld; she also serves as a psychopomp and guides the newly deceased souls to the other side (having an MRT be the ride to the underworld isn’t in the legends tho so fkkjsf)

+ The aswang in the top hat is called Xa Mul and according to the Isneg/Apayao people (yay another ethnic group but this time in northern Luzon - the Cordillera regions to be specific), they are an evil spirit known to swallow people whole.

+ Alex has two henchmen right? Yea they are named Crispin and Basillio and No I still don’t know who’s who and I'm really sorry about that fsfjs so anyways the names Crispin and Basillio are actually those of two brothers featured in the Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo novels (Crispin is younger and Basilio is older) which are basically the national novels here cause um yea written by national hero Jose Rizal as sociopolitical commentary about the Spanish regime here. I don't know if I want to spoil this cause I kinda want other people to read the novel too fskfs BUT ALL IN ALL, ONE OF THEM DIES IN LIKE THE 10TH OR 11TH CHAPTER OF NOLI ME TANGERE (and the novel has 64 chapters btw) AND UM YEA-

+ OKI SO TO ADD MORE CONTEXT TO THE SQUATTER STUFFS MENTIONED IN TRESE (we r gonna use the tiny font here because holy shit this rant is long): So,in the Philippines, especially in the capital region, there are lots of slum areas called squatters. These are dense urban settlements made of compact makeshift housing units that aren't really officially recognized by the government. This is um very reflective of the poverty situation here and there are maaany factors that come into play here and if i were to go into depth about this topic, that rant would probably turn into an academic paper so for the sake of brevity, let's just say that Things Are Fucked Up Here. Oftentimes the poorer sectors are being ignored and left to their own devices despite tons of campaign promises to make things better and easier for them. The communities that live here are incredibly vulnerable to floods, fires, and the like and afaik no concrete solutions have been in effect to protect these people and their settlements. There have also been many times where squatter areas are dismantled or demolished despite protests of people living in those areas and yea I understand the need to make space and the need for renovation but the people should still be offered some sort of temporary settlement or financial compensation thingy that doESN'T fuck them over but alas, we have an anti-poor government. That being said, I really like Trese Ep 1's portrayal of governmental negligence, but I also have some thoughts, especially in regards to the mayor being arrested THAT FAST which um believe me, NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS BECAUSE MANY MAYORS AND A LOT OF POLITICIANS HAVE THE POLICE IN THEIR POCKETS SO UM ERR YEA JUSTICE IS RARELY A THING HERE BUT UM ANYWAYS YEA THE GOVERNMENT LIKES TO SHIT ON THE POOR WOO LET'S SAVE THE USE OF SOCIOLOGICAL LENS ON THIS MATTER FOR ANOTHER DAY

+ The news channel reporting the arrest of the mayor is ABC-ZNN WHICH IS AN OBVIOUS REFERENCE TO ABSCBN aka the top media conglomerate here (that has been fucked over by the government so many times to the point that they had to shut down operations last year which is all sorts of unfair so seeing them being referenced here kinda made me happy gksfks)

I just want somewhere to say my thoughts

These past couple of weeks have been really hard. I started a new course for mostly learning how to do barista, but also including bar and cafe service. A “food and beverage service” course, apparently. I have never really had a job. I have had jobs, but not to this extent. This isn’t technically a job, but I’m at the course for basically 9-4 almost every weekday, sometimes starting at 10 and sometimes finishing at 3. It’s very intense for me, who has never worked such hours. I know I’m week. I’ve always been a weak, cowardly person. But, I am doing it. I haven’t given up yet. So I guess that’s something. I don’t know. I almost cried on both the barista classes we had last week on Thursday and Friday because I just kept hating myself for doing bad. And some times people would say something that also triggered a similar response. Nothing bad by itself, but my mind was in a weird place. Now, me feeling really shit and hating myself when I do bad is nothing new. I do that all the time. This is the main reason why I no longer play league of legends as much as I did any more. I know it’s just a game, which is usually meant for having fun. I am stupid, yes, but I understand that much at least. But I just couldn’t get the fucking milk pouring, and I just couldn’t help but hate myself. I had another barista class on Wednesday and hated myself less, and also didn’t almost cry that time, somehow, and made one good milk pour. So some improvement I guess? Who knows.

On the first day on the 19th, I sat at a group of 4 or 6 tables in a square/rectangle, and a girl sat on the corner diagonal to me. Let’s call her A. I can be a technically outgoing person in that I will talk to people. I’m actually not a very sociable person at all, but I like talking to people when I have the chance. And she wasn’t talking to anyone so I had a chance. Another friend who I had met the week before also sat by us because I was the only one she knew. Let’s call her B. Turns out the two of them went to the same school, and even maybe in the same class? Either way, I hung out with them both during the orientation day that we had, and after course, B had to go home so I hung out a bit with A. I can’t quite remember what we did, but we seemed to get along. I mentioned her to my then girlfriend, and I talked really positively about her because she’s really cool. Let’s call this then-girlfriend C. C has jealousy problems, which are most likely my fault. Early in our relationship, or early in when we knew each other, I did some bad shit. Like asking for photos and stuff. It’s no excuse, but I have a very high sex drive, and that was controlling what I was saying at the time, I think. She eventually kind of did, and I have since tried to never look at those again, lest I remember what she did for my shitty self. But then, after I talked to a friend about the weird situation I was in, I started being like “well, I can’t meet you and I have a high sex drive so I want to do sexy stuff with people” and such. See, she’s in another country, and none of us have even close to the money to make it to either one’s country. We once broke up over this reason, but then she didn’t say good night one night, when she usually does. I found out in the morning. Even if we were technically not together in my head, she couldn’t bare it, so we made a kind of deal where she would kind of think of us as being together until I found someone. Or something. So we still said good morning and good night everyday. So when she didn’t, stupid me thought of the worst, which I always do. I’m not a very calm person when it comes to stuff like this. I kept thinking that maybe she had died, and I had literally 0 way of finding out for the most part. I met her originally on Facebook, so I do have access to who’s friends with her. I was planning to message one of her friends as she had a similar name to C’s daughter. Before I sent the message though, C responded finally. Turns out her internet is just often shit, and this was a specific case of that where it hadn’t worked since that night, at least from 9 pm (by my time, as I’m 4 hours ahead of her). I was so worried, and I was crying so many happy tears when she finally responded again. I thought these tears and this worry meant I loved her, and so I asked her to be my girlfriend this time, and I even started telling people that I had a girlfriend because of this. I don’t know what love is. I don’t know if I’ve ever really known it. And if this was love, then that’s great. She was my first girlfriend, as I was never really popular with really anyone when I was in high school, but it’s not like I cared much about my personal hygiene nor how I looked, so that probably didn’t help. But yeah, so we got back together, and it was great for awhile. But lately those same thoughts started coming back, but I kept shaking my head and trying to ignore those thoughts, as I have come to do. So, I started talking about A to C enthusiastically. Like, she was such a cool person to be around for me. And that ignited C’s jealousy. Then all the talk about how being in a long-distance relationship started up again. And we got to talking. And we decided that, it would maybe be best to break up. That was last weekend. Being in a long-distance relationship is probably just not for me. I want to be able to BE with someone. I think. And as my feelings for A grew, when she confessed that she has a crush for a recent addition to our group, let’s call him D (A is bisexual by the way), to me. And to keep it secret, obviously, which I shall try to do. I am not the best at secrets, but as long as D doesn’t ask about it, it should be fine. But, with this, I thought I might as well confess my crush for her. And A is just a great person in general, including just really “yeah that’s fair enough” and just accepting of things. And so thankfully, this isn’t going to ruin our friendship. Which is great. Even if I know nothing can happen, at least right now, I still love hanging out with her. Though I don’t have much hope anything will happen, I don’t know the future. Though, obviously doubts about myself come with rejection. I know that what it most likely is, obviously, that she likes someone else, and A and D have great synergy with their personalities. They make each other laugh, have their own in jokes through snapchat, and app I literally downloaded just to add them. I’m not a very good match for her personality. And that’s fine. I just have to accept it. But, that doesn’t mean it stops the thoughts. Personality is one of the things that affect whether someone gets a crush on someone, but also looks helps. He is quite cute, as she says, and he indeed is. I am very much not. I am trans, and only about 7 and a half months on estrogen. I’m neither a good looking man and CERTAINLY not a good looking woman. Hell you would never think “women” by seeing my face. So I can understand not being attracted to me that way. But this is probably me overthinking things as well, as it is probably the personality thing, and she does like spending time with him, it seems. Which is fair. I thought it would be weird to start feeling something for someone in such a short time, but she has felt something in an even shorter time, as he came into our group late. So that’s... reassuring? At least for knowing that. Sometimes when I’m trying to go to sleep I see naughty stuff about her, but I try and shake that off again because that’s probably weird, but I don’t know if she isn’t doing that over D as well, and that’s probably not exactly something you ask. I’m a very weird person and like talking about anything, but obviously not everyone does, and although she has said that if I say or ask something that she finds uncomfortable, then she’ll tell me and I’ll stop, but even then I don’t want to lose her as a friend, so I keep hesitating about things. I keep wondering if I’ve been too weird about stuff and that has put her off me. I don’t know. But I should stop. Definitely. Anyway, so, after I did, I felt fine about it. I didn’t feel any different. But I think I started feeling more down about it later on. I’ll probably get over this in the next few days, as it usually doesn’t take me too long to get over things. Let us see anyway. That night, I mentioned it to my ex-girlfriend, and so we talked more about our breakup and how it was pretty real this time, and that was that I guess. But at some point, she sent me some song lyrics. Even if it wasn’t English, just looking up the first word and then reading the first three lines just made me cry, and I couldn’t take it. This is my very first breakup after all. It just makes me so sad that this is ending, but also the lyrics. I won’t be putting them here, partially because translation is a bitch, but also because I still haven’t read passed those first three lines and can’t bear to read the rest right now. Maybe in a few days time, but it’s still probably not best to put them here, where no one will read my words anyway. And so throughout the night I have been crying a bit. My body and/or my emotions, possibly due to my male upbringing, didn’t bring many tears. They did bring some, particularly when I started reading that song, and kind of every time I remember it. Oh well. We’ll see what happens with this in the next few days I guess.

My other problem is my transgenderism. Like, lately it’s been kind of tough. I’ve been especially self-conscious about my voice and my face. Sometimes I’ve just not wanted to talk because of how I sound. And I can’t really look at my face because of how masculine it looks. No one would look at me and say “woman”. But there are other problems, too. Particularly, am I even fucking actually a woman? Am I transgender? Or am I just an overly sexual man who likes the sexual fantasy of being a woman? Me thinking of myself as a woman started near the start of uni. For the last couple years of high school, I got more and more interested in the female body. And the pleasure that they get in orgasms and how that works. I started listening to orgasms on YouTube and other places, what with no smart phone and no computer at home at the time, I believe. Or at least no chance to do such a thing. And of course, I started imagining myself as a female when I masturbate. I may or may not have been doing that earlier in high school, but I don’t know what is real any more as my current thoughts distort my past memories. As I started masturbating like that, at uni, I started thinking more and more that maybe I like thinking of myself as a woman. I worked with that through uni, and there was the transgender day of visibility that I had heard of on March 31st I think it was, and to celebrate it, I decided to come out on Facebook. I thought my kind of bully mum would judge me, so I blocked her from seeing that post. It was around that time that I got the opportunity to leave my mum’s house thanks to a friend making a post in a Facebook group we’re both in. I felt less like I might be judged, as I only kind of knew one of the 4 people there, and so I started looking for skirts and dresses or something, and started wearing them. Looked for makeup and shaved legs and such but found that they weren’t for me. Later that year, I believe, thanks to a work therapist that I was seeing once through a government thing, I got to go see someone about my gender dysphoria, which I did, and that’s what got me on medication. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t left me wondering like, am I really someone who is ACTUALLY transgender. There is an article a trans man wrote wondering the same thing that I haven’t read yet and it’s late here, so I don’t know his thoughts on it, if only for himself, but I just sometimes don’t feel like I am transgender, for the reasons listed above. Am I really not just oversexualising the female body onto myself? I am liking my changes, even if slow, but I’m still not sure. And I just keep hating myself over it. As well as because of the problems above. And I just keep wanting to die again. Life is a pain in the ass man. I don’t feel that I’m expressing the disdain for myself very well in this paragraph specifically, but oh well. We’ll see what happens in a couple of years anyway, if I’m not dead by then anyway.