So sick of working y'all I've had to open the past 3 mornings and i am Opening AGAIN. Fuck this shit

Jackie’s Back

That is a great way to start this blog post, coming off The Breakfast Club interview with the Legendary Jenifer Lewis. I LOVEE her! I’ve watched that 1:03:11 long interview no less than 7 times since it aired a few days ago online. I’ve seen almost everything Jenifer has played in expect the movie Jackie’s Back. So I found it on youtube and watched it for free. The movie is basically about a has-been singer who never was and she’s trying to make one last comeback. I feel that premise fits my life perfectly right now. It’s about midnight right now and I needed a few hours to calm myself down before I even wanted to start this post. I’m typing this in the legendary notes app on my phone. The plan is to copy and paste to my tumblr blog. I will see if I want to do that, but as for now me typing this is just being used as an additional outlet besides me talking to one of my instructors Kevin and my mentor Miguel. I’m currently listening to Sweet Sexy Savage by Kehlani. It is one of my favorite albums released last year that I feel deserved a Grammy. CTRL by Sza too, but we are not here to talk about that. What I am here to talk about? I don’t know where to begin. Ill start with what currently happened which brought on my current hyper/hypo emotional state and I will work myself backwards. Today was suppose to be the day that I finally take my state boards exams for my barbers license. (Shit I don’t think I told y’all I was in barber school this whole past year. A nigga really did what he said he was going to do!) I didn’t go because my model called me literally an hour before we were to leave to the testing site, saying that he was ill with the flu and that he was not going to be able to make it. I kinda had a feeling that this was going to happen. At 8am I got a text from him saying he was up throwing up all night. So I’m like ok, it’s 8am and testing isn’t until 6pm so that should be plenty of time for him to rest up and get himself together for this. Basically I went the whole day just praying to God that he get better and everything goes as planned opposed to studying and reviewing like i had planned. I’m not mad...I can’t be. He was ill and you can’t control that. I believe his story. He’s not the type to lie. Plus he was soo down to help and be apart of everything I have been doing. He used to come to the school and get his haircut by me. It just fucking sucks when I was literally right there. Finally going to complete it all. And everyone knows, or probably doesn’t know that I was suppose to been have gotten my license. I started at the Barber College Feb 2017. I graduated (well i competed my 1800 hours) in Feb 2018 like the course catalog said I would. It was a good experience that ended too fast in my opinion. I met some great people there; people that I will consider my brothers for life. I don’t think i will give an in-depth review on the school itself. I don’t feel like it. So like I was saying, I competed my hours in the middle of Feb. I didn’t get my diploma until March because I still owed $1500 on my tuition. I had the money but I wasn’t in a great rush to pay it off because truth be told I didn’t have any barbershops lined up after completion so I didn’t rush paying it. When I finally paid it off, I was suppose to schedule my testing for my license immediately. Most people already have their dates already set up for like the following week of being totally finished with school. I didn’t go right away because I didn’t have a model lined up. You’re suppose to have a model that has to fit a bunch of different requirements about age, how much hair they have to have, how much hair you have to cut off, and they do a background check and a bunch of extra shit. It’s a big thing and it was hard to find the perfect model that fit and also that can be available during the testing time which is a whole 3 hour process. Fast forward to April when I knew that I was putting this shit off for way too long and it’s time to get serious again. I’ve been doing a few house cuts here and there and also working in a barbershop called Platinum Cuts on the weekends while still working my restaurant job just enough hours to pay my bills. I knew I still had shit to do in regards to my license. After asking everyone I could think of to be my model, and getting no’s, I finally found one person. Ok bet! I got my model. I told him everything that was told to me about the requirements, background check, testing center location, testing time and all that. And i’m like “are you sure that you can do this?! once i submit your name and pay my fees you have to be my model, i can’t cancel, change models or reschedule without forfeiting the fees that i have to pay.” Roughly $200. He’s like “yes, I’m available I can do it.” Mind you, I gave him the two dates that were offered to me for testing and the testing time on the 2nd of May wasn’t good for him because he needed work done on his car. So we chose the 16th. That worked better for the both of us because i still needed to study and review all over again. Plus at the time of us scheduling, the 2nd was like a few days away. Everything was going good. I was texting back and forth with him just letting him know don’t forget, asking if everything good with him and his car and shit like that. Just staying fresh in his mind so we can get this shit done and over with. All of this for him to cancel literally last minute. FUCK! This is all just embarrassing. Having technically been done with school since Feb and I’m still not licensed nor working consistently in a barbershop. It’s a real self esteem killer. Most of the guys that I went to school with are in shops or have started their own shops. They are making money and prospering in this field and i want to be just like that. I have so many people on my side telling me how good of a barber I am, how inspiring i am, and that I should be doing a lot more than what i’m doing now. I totally agree. I need to be working consistently, cutting consistently and challenging myself everyday. I know that it’s all coming from a place of love. You have to want it for yourself. I can honestly and vulnerably say that I haven’t felt the most confident lately i’ve basically been in dark cloud of depression since Feb. I haven’t felt this low since before I started Barber College, somewhere around the time of my last post probably. It’s a huge transition from Barber College. I totally understand how university students get depressed after graduating because they can’t find jobs and end up moving back home. I can humbly say I was one of the good students there, especially towards my last few months. Im not saying I was the best hair cutter, I wasn’t and will never claim to have been. I was good. i had clientele and stayed busy for the most part. I was doing like 8-10 haircuts on a regular day. Slave labor without pay lol. I was consistent with my attendance. Which was very helpful because all the other guys that were better than me were not consistent with their attendance. Some of them have been going to the school for years. Some are even still there. The school is designed to be a one year program. I think some people think of it as their job. We could accept tips up there so they might be banking. I was pretty damn good for barely cutting hair before I started. I could do a line up, an all even and trash taper. I was cutting my own hair for 5 years prior but never cut anyone else’s hair. I was trash then compared to now lol. Growth. But going from feeling like you the shit, being told you’re the shit, being hyped up daily, having people watching you and asking you questions to actually starting at he bottom in a shop with no clientele is a major shock. That shit really had me in my feelings and questioning myself, others, my skills and it this shit really for me. It’s not the shop that I worked at (past tense) because it’s been like 3 weekends since I’ve gone back and I don’t think I want to go back. The shop owner was actually my barber from middle school up until I met my barber/mentor Ronnie in 2009. So I’m familiar with the owner, Q. He had his own shop for 10 years and he’s the only barber in there. He’s had people work beside him from time to time over the years but no one ever stayed long. He’s already got his clientele on lock. My shop expectations are: be surrounded by people i respect and get along with meet people I can learn from and take advice from be in a shop that allows growth, creativity and room to just do and be me. I don’t want to say his shop didn’t offer none of that but again, his shop is his shop. not really a full staff of ppl kinda environment. I’m looking for a shop with a lot more traffic and walk ins. When you are just starting out cutting hair, that’s what you need. Walk ins to help you build up your own clientele. let’s everyone in the shop know you can cut and they see you cut. I’m not going to talk about the hotep conspiracy theories i had to listen to. The hotep youtube pastor we watched on tv daily in there who’s favorite topics were feminization of the black male and gays. But I’ll lowkey take all of that over the hood ass shops that my weak ass town has to offer. Also I wasn’t a fan of the percentage I was paying to cut there. When first starting out you usually pay a percentage (commission) until your clientele is up enough for you to pay booth rent. I’d rather just cut at home and be able to keep all my money. I want to find another shop to work at in the meantime before I move. Oh I don’t know if I told y’all, I’m moving to Atlanta in August. I put 6 months on my apartment lease back in Feb. It’s a lot of things that I could be doing to push myself and better myself right now to get me out this depression, but I feel like why should I put in that hard work now when i’m just going to be moving away in a few months. Getting established in a shop, building clientele that I’ll prolly only cut a few times. It’s just a lot going on at the moment in my life and my focus is everywhere, yet still no where to be honest. I know what kind of barber I want to be and what type of environment I want to work in and I don’t think that Lansing has that to offer me. All my school mates know this to be true too. They know I’m different. lol. So with my fingers crossed, I’m hoping that Atlanta will treat me right. I don’t want to talk to much about Atlanta because I’ll save that for another post. Hopefully not a whole ass two years or whatever. But I will when I get settled in or when I remember that I have a blog lol. I want to stop blogging only when I’m like knocking on depressions basement door trying to get out and blog more happier feelings and thoughts. Kehlani’s album just finished playing. I think I’m going to wrap this up with my last topic; support. Why don’t we support one another? I know that I shouldn’t be expecting or seeking support or validation from others, but fuck, we all wanna get our ego stoked a little bit. we want feedback and an occasional YASSS. I do expect something. I feel like i support, have supported a lot of people. I like your music, retweet your pictures, subscribe to your podcasts and give you your life when you deserve it. I don’t get that in return. Just like this blog, i’m glad i’m doing it for the betterment of be and not for y’all to car about me. No one would probably read this anyway. There is a handful of people that truly support me. I can count on one hand. I’m so very thankful for them. Then there is the people who see my haircut pictures online and won’t like them but in person will mention to me how dope I am at cutting. Then that’s when they give that fake “when can you cut my hair” but when I call them on it and and hold them accountable for asking for a cut and tell them to come thru, they all of a sudden busy or not responding anymore. I hate that. Sometimes you need to feel a little boost and a little support from others. Affirmation. Just a simple like, retweet, or a “I see you nigga!” comment. Something. I don’t want to say it’s hate. I don’t like to use that word and I don’t want to believe that people actually hate on me. I think people need to get comfortable in themselves and in what they are doing so we can show love to one another. idk. I’m tired and I’m probably not making any sense right now. I don’t feel like proof reading this and uploading it to tumblr either. Good night.