#please Mac I’ve been dying to talk about the grief | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

laurnav · 4 years

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“she’s leaving me” i thought

as she began to tell me she’s resigning

i was in denial

& the truth is i don’t want you to go

i think i was panicking the entire time

i had never wanted to cry so badly out loud

i have small bruises on my thumb

from pressing my nail to keep myself from crying

i let u see my tears towards the end

but not the way i did when i got to my car

it hurt so much

i’m so bad at goodbyes

today i put the bad moment on pause

i drove home w tears in my eyes

i listened to the same song over & over

2009 x Mac Miller

i dedicate that song to you

if there’s anything that describes me

my hope, my pain, my pain, my recovery, my demons

it’s that song

& it’s all thanks to you

we developed a very special bond

one i never thought was possible

thank you for having small tears in your eyes too

how could i ever be mad?

when you were the one who tore it all down

you saw me

& i saw you

i still see you

pls don’t leave me

please

but i know u must

i could take all of my heartaches, all of the pain i ever ever felt

all of the bad moments i’ve had, roll them up

& turn it into this very moment

this was the 2nd worst pain i’ve ever felt in my life

i drove home & i began to cry uncontrollably

so i began to laugh uncontrollably

so i stopped at a random parking lot in manvel

& i let it out

you taught me that

i did not feel weak

the screaming & screeching & hollering didn’t scare me

because i knew i could do it once as much as i needed then leave it there

i cried, i punched, i screamed

my mouth created noises i had never made before

& i wasn’t scared of them because i knew i was letting go

i knew i needed to

i felt like i was dying, like i wasn’t there

but not a panic attack

but i coundnt breathe & i cried so much

until i decided i was ready

i left the screams & uncontrollable crying there

until i was ready i drove off

until i was ready

i want to believe that’s all i needed but the grief is not over

out of all the horrible moments i’ve ever had

this is one of the most horrible pains i’ve ever experienced

& i don’t mean to make u feel like shit i promise

i just want u to know how much this means to me

i wish i could stay in bed all day, never get up

i wish i could cry all day about this

but i have work & school & ppl i need to keep up with

i wish i could grieve

but i have to keep going

i know we still have 3 more sessions

but yesterday was goodbye for me

or else i won’t make it

how could i ever repay you?

i know it was your job

but u really do care abt me

we trusted each other

we heart has broken before but this was everything

i’ve been through it all & u have been thru more

i saw the pain in your eyes

i pray one day you and your family are okay

i think what hurts is i won’t know if you ever do get there & you won’t know if i ever get there

but for some reason i have a feeling you will

it’s strange grieving someone who isn’t blood, someone i only knew for a couple of months, a professional

but here i am & i know u feel something similar

so here it is, thank you. for more than u know

for everything, for what u do

thank mrs. destiny green

i’m scared you’ll forget me

i’m terrified that one day you’ll look at my file & think “who was that” ..

but i know u won’t

i won’t forget you

yesterday was v hard

today will honestly b the same

i don’t want to talk to anybody

but i must

i can’t lose my relationships

i pray we both find our way

i could speak more

but just now how much this meant to me

i wish u the best; good luck on your journey

if we ever meet in the far future, i will smile

i hope ur able to smile too

thank you.

God bless you

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