if my internet would just stop fuckin with me i would now have a carrd for all my husbands

DEPRESSION

Hey, are you depressed? knows someone who is depressed?

According to the World Health Organization, it is estimated that each year, approximately 1 million people die because of suicide.

“In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Suicide is now among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 (male and female). Suicide attempts are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicides. “ - WHO

And it is really alarming to note that youth suicidal is increasing at its highest rate as of today. 

Depression is the leading cause of suicide. 

but what is Depression, by the way?

Depression is far more than feeling blue or sad. Most common misconception about depression is that a person who feels depressed is just feeling very sad and that’s it. Especially in my country, Philippines, not all Filipinos are aware of this Mental Illness. Depression is belittled or sometimes ignored and will only be taken seriously if it is already severe enough to be noticeable. Depression is a common and serious mental illness that affects you negatively by how you feel, the way you think and how you act. 

Mental Illness just like Physical Illness should be important to take note. Having it is no joke -- “hindi ito biro” in Filipino.

How will you know if you or your friend is experiencing Depression?

Depression is a nightmare, it sometimes hunts you, sometimes it is just stares at you.

 At a period of 2 weeks, a person who feels depressed should be feeling at least 5 of these symptoms:

(1) Depressed mood most of the day or irritable mood  (2) Lack of interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (3) Significant weight loss (rule out the idea of dieting) or weight gain (decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day) (4) Insomnia (Lack of Sleep) or Hypersomnia (Sleeps too much) (5) Feeling of restlessness (6) Fatigue or Loss of energy  (7) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt  (8) Lack of ability to think or concentrate (9) Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying)/ Having an idea of suicide

If you feel any 5 of these things, better talk to someone who is has a broad knowledge about your condition. Not just to a friend or your parents, sometimes talking to a professional will be better for you. If you’re still a student, of course, you don’t still have the money to pay a registered psychologist/psychiatrist, talk to your school guidance counselor and ask him/her for an advice or help.

Take note, if you will console about your condition, you should be honest in what you are feeling. Some people who feels depressed usually contain everything for themselves which makes everything worse! Don’t panic, there’s someone who can help you. 

If you need help or you know someone who needs help, here are some contacts that can really help you or someone:

Philippines’ First Depression and Suicide Prevention Hotline

Call 804-4673 (HOPE)  Lines are Open 24/7  HOPELINE

PLDT- (02)-804 4673 (HOPE)

Mobile - 0917-558-4673 (HOPE)

Toll-Free 2919 for TM and Globe subscribers

Manila Lifeline Centre

Hotline: (02) 8969191

Hotline (Mobile): 09178549191

Remember, you’re life may be a mess and dark for now, but everything will be alright as long as you HOPE that one day you’ll cast your demons away.

If you suspect yourself or someone has depression, you can take these quick test you know if you do really experience depression: https://www.psycom.net/depression-test/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests/health/depression-test

**Every step you do to make your condition better is a big step for you**

And if you are not the one who is experiencing it, thank you for being there for your friend, your sibling, or to anyone you are concerned with, it is really big help for them.  And to everyone reading this post, thank you for reading and please spread awareness about this condition. :) Sources: https://behavenet.com/node/21569

http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/lifestyle/healthandwellness/524070/special-report-suicide-and-the-pinoy-youth/story/

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Causes.aspx

http://www.befrienders.org/suicide-statistics

Written By: Shentela Castillo

6 days

Before Tuesday, last week, I don’t remember what I’ve been doing anymore.

I messaged my friend in law school who took a break from it since last semester. I told her I missed her company. We ended up chatting for like 20 minutes or so, catching up a little and making me feel a little better. She told me about this two circles where you write down the things that are important to you and the things you have no control of. She said I need to write these things down to somehow let them off my chest. It’s not a new advice that I hear, I mean, I hear it all the time. Write down the things that bother you, all that stuff. But this time, I’m really doing this. Although, I may have actually done this a couple of times because I keep a journal with me and I have a secret note app in my phone whenever I want to write something but I won’t be able to because my journal is not with me. You know, for easier access. Anyway, so this. Well, I’m not gonna do the two-circle-therapy thing just yet. I’m just gonna walk you through, first, with what happened to me the last six days.

September 1, 2020, Tuesday. I woke up early because I have an appointment with our college registrar. I went to Landbank, first, to pay for my initial payment for this semester. After that, I went to university to give a copy of my deposit slip to the cashier and to meet with our registrar. The school guard reprimanded me from visiting the university without certification from the barangay and for being 21 years old. I get it, anyway. I should never really be going out these times but what could I do? Now, upon talking with our registrar, she went back to me and told me that our registrar will just take care of my business in the university so I left already. I proceeded to a bookstore and bought yellow pad papers for my digested cases. Then, I walked my way through drugstores and supermarket to buy essentials. I finally arrived at PLDT Albay at around 9AM and waited in line for 3 whole hours (while reviewing my Negotiable Instruments Law, Sec 1) just so I can follow up our application for internet service. On my way home that almost 1PM, Mama called telling me that they were going to SD. Realizing that I have studied enough for my class that day and I won’t be having a class the next day, I decided to join them. Note that I had not taken my lunch yet. When I arrived at home, I immediately packed my other stuff and remembered to carry my application in DepEd. My family dropped me by and waited for me in the DepEd office. As soon as I went inside the “guard’s entrance office,” I passed my application and boy, they had so many questions. Just to keep the long story short, I had to reprint my application letter because I got the wrong regional director. Damn you, internet. So I told my parents that they can go. We actually had an argument because I was so hungry and so tired and they don’t seem to care about it, Papa, especially. He certainly wanted me to pass the application to DepEd so that I can have a job already. I mean, it’s what I want, as well, but I could not help but feel inferior and less important. I walked a long just so I can find a printing shop while crying and telling myself that I am not anymore doing this for them. I am doing this for myself because if I depend on them as my very reason to pushing myself, I would not go anywhere but just be stuck there, hurting myself. After I passed the application, I rode a jeepney to SD. My phone’s battery was already low so I messaged my Tita and sister to send me Kuya Juan when I arrived to SF at about 30 minutes. When the jeep parked to get some passengers, I walked out of the jeep to buy a load for my class later that night. I was walking so fast back and forth. When I arrived at SF, there was no one to pick me up so I ended up walking that 10-minute road to my grandmother’s house. I was so sad and exhausted that day that I had no energy in my class. The only good thing was that I was not called. Well, that was not actually very good because, the heck, I studied so hard for that provision and memorized some parts of it so I’d be ready. I knew that I was so ready for a recitation that day, but no. The universe wants me to be called on the parts where I have little to no idea at all. Thank you very much.

September 2, 2020, Wednesday. This day, I actually had a good start. I woke up early in the morning due to Freddie Mercury. I went outside and had a good sun bathe with my baby cousin, Baby Arungga. We stayed outside until 7AM. When we went inside, we had a nap together with my other baby cousin, Ayumi, who is not-so-baby-anymore. I woke up at 8AM and ate my breakfast which my siblings were kind enough to reserved some for me. I took a bath in the morning and ate my lunch. I tried reading my codal in the afternoon but I ended up sleeping in the sala. In the evening, I stayed up late reading my reviewer in Property for the next day’s class. 

September 3, 2020, Thursday. We went back home. I immediately prepared myself for my class that day. I studied the whole morning and afternoon. I was called in Property and boy, guess what?? I was so embarassed because I did not remember the five kinds of physical injuries which was taught to us by the same professor last semester. Articles 262 to 266 of the Revised Penal Code: Mutilation, Serious Physical Injuries, Administering Injurious Substances, Less Serious Physical Injuries and Slight Physical Injuries. Why didn’t I remember that? Then I remember Aristotle saying, “in learning comes remembering.” How can I pass the bar if I can’t even remember last semester’s lessons? After class, I went back home, because I’m having my classes at my grandmother’s house near us, and I went upstairs to see the moonlight. But I figured that Papa might go upstairs and ask me why I was there so I opened the room and ended up watching the t.v. I cried a bit in the comfort room and did some affirmation to myself. I was so frustrated that night.

September 4, 2020, Friday. I had no class this day but I did study and study and study. Oh right, have I mentioned that I studied today? And then after that, I studied. I studied until 1AM. I was so frustrated and disappointed to myself because I was not able to cover everything. Oh and, this is so weird. When I was about to sleep, maybe I was half asleep here already, I could not move my hand and later realizing that I could not move my whole body, not even open my eyes and mouth. I remember I was trying to call Mama three times but no word was coming out of me. It was like that a few minutes and then I slowly opened my eyes and moved my body. I felt a bit afraid but I was so sleepy, I decided not to think about it anymore. I wrapped myself with my blanket and lied with Micmic just to make me feel I’m not alone.

September 5, 2020, Saturday. You don’t want me to be talking about what happened to me on a Saturday. No. Just no. Okay, I had classes from 8AM until 4PM. You can just imagine how dreading it is to be present in those times and to wait for every class to end. Unlike my other classmaters who had until 6PM, I was a bit lucky but hey, what’s the difference? That two hours was spent on recovering my poor eyes from seeing two same things at the same time. Unfortunately, that was not enough. Until 12MN, my eyes were so tired they could barely see. 

September 6, 2020, Sunday. Now, I’m stoked. It’s already 1:01PM and I’m still writing this text just so I can remember this years from now. I don’t feel fine. I feel drained. Awhile ago, 9AM to 12NN, we had a class in Constitutional Law I. I was not able to submit my quiz because I was not aware that it was due 9:50, I assumed it was at 10:00. Even if we were 9 students who failed to submit, it’s still something. Plus, the two times I was called to answer the questions, boy, I was wrong. Completely wrong. It’s so embarassing. Especially the second one because I volunteered myself in that question! So that’s a deduction of 10 points. How can you deduct 10 points from 0? Negative! I’m out. I have to eat. Jeremy Zucker’s right, I might lose my mind. But he also said that it’s alright not to be fine. So I’ll be trying. For now, let me suck and let me sleep!

This is your atty., feeling a lot lately but have nowhere or no one to share my misery with so here went nothing. Do not worry. I’ll get by. Bye now.

I had high hopes when I started learning programming through a bootcamp. I really want to earn a lot of money so that I can retire early and live comfortably (along with my family). I know some people learn programming because it's fun, but my main goal is to just earn money. Mababaw? Probably. But I am so lazy and I just want a way out of this corporate shithole as soon as possible. I want to retire early and enjoy life. I don't want to spend most of my life working.

I usually tambay sa r/phinvest and I am so jealous of people earning 60k a month. Some programmers are even earning 6 digits in their 20s pa lang. I was envious.

So Jet and I started to learn programming.

It was great at first pero it gets harder. HTML was okay. CSS was difficult. I don't have any artistic side in me, so I struggled coming up with web designs. However, I did enjoy making my first project. Javascript was very challenging but super fun. I've always been fond of Math so I guess it makes sense. My JS project is a different story though. I barely coded in JS cause Jet did most of it, puro front-end lang ako. So di ko na-experience masyado how the codes worked. Anyway, we survived but I was kinda meh. I was not happy with it. The UI was shitty. The only thing I worked on was front-end and it was horrible. I beat myself up because of it. LOL. What's new? I always beat myself up whenever I don't reach the super high standards I set for myself. Anyway, MySQL came. It was great. It seemed easy. I was able to ace all of my activities. I was happy because I felt like I was doing great. Then we had our first exam today. AND BOY WAS IT DIFFICULT. Parang pag discussions, the examples and activities are like "Okay, so if John bought 2 apples and then bought 10 more in the afternoon, he now has 12 apples". Easy right? Then sa exam it was like "If John bought 2 apples then bought 10 more in the afternoon, why on Earth does he have 10 strawberries in his basket now? Explain. And make your code clean". It was hella difficult. I was so disappointed with myself. I thought I was doing so good.

So here I am dumping all these negative emotions on Tumblr because I sincerely thought I was doing so good. I legit have no appetite to eat now because I'm beating myself up over it. I don't even know if I passed or what. But I probably failed. I still can't accept the fact that the exam was so difficult.

Whenever I feel like I'm doing good at programming, it backfires. It's horrible.

Now we're in PHP and I honestly have no drive to listen to the discussion. My head hurts from the exam and right after may discussion na ulit. Ang dami kong information in my head right now. I just want to take a break.

And oh, PLDT fucked up our only source of income this pandemic so there's that too. I only made 10k last month because I was so busy with programming. It still stings until today. I barely saved money. In retrospect, it's good that even if 10k lang sahod ko, I can still save around 2k-3k.

Anyway, I'm just blabbering. I'm just really disappointed with myself. but I got to keep going.

I have a love-hate relationship with programming. I either feel like a genius or a sore loser who can't even code well. There is no in between.

But you know what? At least I don't feel stagnant now. I'm actually making my brain work. It's not as boring as teaching where I have to do the same thing every day.

I really hope my programming career takes off. That's why we don't stop, self. We don't ever quit. Even if sometimes you wake up only feeling like 70% that bitch, we still won't give up.