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bettathanyou · 5 months

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The Choices That Make Us, Part 2

Look at that, a double feature! I know the quotes of his memories don't align chronologically with Sofia calling him "Ceedric", but we're doing it for the sake of angst. Final Part will actually be not as gut wrenching, pinky swear it

TRIGGER WARNINGS

IMPLICATIONS OF SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND COMMITING THE ACT. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Cedric stands at the balcony again, the same siren song beckoning him to hop the railing and just do it- to jump off, feel his world slow down as his body raced to the cold, hard pavement below and then finally, every ache and raging storm within himself will quiet.

That's what Cedric really wanted. For everything to be still, all around him but most of all inside of him.

To be in a position of royal sorcerer was already stressful enough, but to be dragged around like a mutt on a leash- only to be beaten down with verbal stones when he can't perform a trick correctly.

To say he felt dehumanized was an understatement.

The sorcerer groans, holding his head in his hands as the embarrassment and shame wrack his body again, tasting the tang of blood in his mouth as he bites the inside of his cheek- an old habit that has now become compulsive whenever bad memories resurfaced.

"Stop! You're making it worse!"

I know. I'm sorry, Cordelia. My hands ruin everything they touch, and I've never stopped trying to atone for it.

"Not much of a sorcerer, is he?"

I tried, didn't I? Wasn't that enough? ....Why wasn't that ever enough?

"Just as bad as that Cedric guy from Enchancia..."

Yeah... I suppose I really am a bad, piece of shit person. No one believed I was good anyways, and I think I'm starting to see why.

"We're stuck with him..."

Cedric gulps, well, gasps really- his lungs can't seem to find oxygen now, and his tears were free flowing rivers of torment running down redden cheeks.

Blinking away more tears, he realizes he was leaning over the rail again- when did he start doing that tonight? Was it just muscle memory now, to look down at the ground beneath him with an aching, burning feeling in his chest that could only be described as longing?

"You won't... be stuck- with me forever..." Cedric's voice garbled out the words between gasps, feeling the bob and sway of his balance fighting against the pull of gravity. His throat burns, a lump forming in his throat- good. There was nothing much left to say now, his mind was made up, and-

"Mr. Ceedric?"

A sweet, innocent voice cuts through the haze with the sharpness of a knife, making the sorcerer still. Whatever breath he had left was stolen, coming out of his mouth in a wheeze.

Shit.

Why now, must he be disturbed? Can he truly not get one goddamn moment to himself, for once?

"Mr. Ceedric? Why are you hanging over the railing like that-? It's not safe!"

He purses his lips shut tight, afraid of what words might come out of his mouth and even more afraid that if he tried to talk he would break down into tears right then and there.

He hopes in vain the princess would just leave- maybe if he stood still long enough, didn't make a sound, she'd leave. People seem to have no trouble ignoring him... Well.

Almost everyone, it seemed.

"Mr. Ceedric...?"

He feels the briefest touch of small fingers wrapping around the fabric of his robe, tugging to get his attention. Cedric flinched from the contact, harder than either of them expected. He hears her small heels scrape against the stone floor, clearly startled by his response.

Hot, boiling shame courses through his veins, and of course, whenever Cedric is faced with shame, somehow anger is the only thing that he defaults to, to cover it up.

"It's CEDRIC, Ced-ric!" He retorts, barely keeping his voice steady as he furiously swiped the tears off his face. Cedric's lanky body slides off the railing, on the side that kept his feet planted on solid ground once again.

He inhales a deep breath, trying to stop his heart from racing. Cedric felt like it was thundering so loud in his ears, surely Sofia could hear it? Either way, he didn't want to know.

"What do you want-? And why didn't you knock, princess, you always knock!" He asks defensively, meaning to scold the child- but out loud, there was evident panic lacing his voice. Panic at the idea of having being caught, of having someone- no, not just someone, Sofia, almost witness him commit-

"I did knock, Mr. Ceedric...!" Sofia protested, biting her lip in a nervous manner.

Cedric blinked, a clumsy, half-hearted "What?" being his only response.

"...You didn't answer, so I..." Sofia pauses, a skittish air about her that makes Cedric want to jump off the balcony right then and there, for making such a sweet girl feel scared around him.

"I got worried."

#cedric the sensational #cedricthesorceror #sophia the first #oof....#:((((#guys #i did say i was in my angst era.....#but damn it kinda sucks #anyways....#take care of yourself #pinky swear cedric would recover from this #writing it into my notes rn!!#perhaps a triple feature but i know better than to promose anything #character study

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bettathanyou · 5 months

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The Choices That Make Us, Final Part!

As the title suggests, here ya go! Dunno how long this would take place after part one, but... Enough time, at least. Here's part one and part two if you missed it otherwise!

Trigger Warnings:

Implications to suicidal thoughts, urges, commiting the act. Read with caution!

Cedric nods his head to a favorite song as he works, mumbling lyrics as he drums his fingertips on the wood of his workshop table. He was experimenting with a few potions that princess Sofia needed help making for a sorcery test, trying to find a way of speeding up the chemical processes.

Keeping his mind occupied usually helped to drown out the darker thoughts- and working at his desk keeps his feet from wandering too far.

Cedric's warm brown eyes glance at the heavy curtain obscuring his balcony. Ever since Sofia had come to almost witness his demise, the curtain sagged from a few nails dug into the stone wall.

Like a band-aid over a gaping wound.

"Least it's covered... So I don't have to look at it." The lanky man muttered to himself, feeling his skin crawl as he shoved down the memory of the last time he visited his balcony.

Mr. Ceedric?

Cedric winced, scratching at his ear in agitation. Princess Sofia's voice, small and hesitant as it was that night, has haunted him. Another voice in his head belonging to people he has disappointed.

Ever since, Cedric would consciously give his balcony a wide berth, steps quick and almost fearful of coming too close. His eyes immediately stung whenever they would land on the railing- his heart sinking when he found the bolts attached to the ground, keeping the railing secure, were worn and loose. The stone flooring had trenches made of scuff marks from his shoes, climbing dangerously over the ledge.

It was funny, the things Cedric noticed when he took a step away from the ledge; instead of staring straight down over it.

Cedric tears his gaze away from the haphazard curtain, a heavy sigh leaving him. His concentration broke yet again, and he rubs his temple in exhaustion.

"Should probably get to bed already..." The man mused to himself, already thinking of what tea blend to make so he could actually fall asleep.

The lanky man rises from his rolling chair, groaning from his stiff joints protesting against it.

Chamomile... Lavender... Maybe add some Valerian root. Cedric thought to himself, waving his wand to fill his kettle with water. He shuffles around his workshop for the herbs he needed, laying it on a side table nearby.

A few minutes later, his tea was ready, and he had since changed into his pajamas- his worn hexley Hall shirt, bearing his first initial, and loose boxers with a star and moon pattern.

Taking a sip, he sighs- this time, in relief.

Standing against a table, drinking his tea, it was a small, mundane moment; but to the sorcerer, it was another conscious choice to... Make things better.

For himself, and for a princess who would worry otherwise.

#cedric the sensational #cedricthesorceror #sophia the first #character study #cedric the sorcerer angst #small drabble #hopeful ending #pinky swear cedric would recover from this

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