#part of the problem is ive started thinking about foolish and bad and how theyre so fucking silly
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okay so i tend to work out my aus best when i think about them like a story so Step One: where the fuck do we start.
jaiden's pov. ofc. maybe alternating chapters. i think it would be mildly confusing until the reader realized that Jaiden Rogue and Jaiden Weapon were the alternating chapters and they were getting alternate viewpoints- one of her Descent, and one of her Ascent.
the descent chapters would be her turning into the sort of person who would follow orders to hurt an egg. her being lead by cucurucho to the living weapon program and being "deceived" by it by fully knowing what it wanted from her. making that choice to drown herself and emerge as someone -something- new. these chapters would Also address the problem that is jaiden becoming so brainwashed that she does whatever the federation wants instead of what she would have wanted, and hurting an egg (probably something via kidnapping/accidental injury she doesn't give a shit about. classic federation egg opinions). also she would have a subtext feud with badboyhalo. it would be the fucking- the annoyance that keeps her connected. the feds dont want her to fuck with him but he keeps fucking with her mission so she's annoyed when he shows up. like she never does anything outward to indicate this feud but there's the Recognition and the aww man not this guy again. the proof that she failed to remake herself because even with mission success she's still like aw MAN fuck that guy. she's still, infuriatingly, more than a tool.
#qliving weapon au#ive got some work to do in a minute so i can't expand on the ascent chapters idea yet but#quietly thinking about this#rotating her#im going to have to put more thought into roier and his role because so far in my brain he's like#got his own mini storyline and acts as a narrative tool to deliver a cellbit complication#but i remember when he followed her and cucurucho#he wouldnt just fuck off#especially not if he was a living weapon too#mmm maybe he's worried about hurting her#but i dont want to really come up with an excuse he isn't involved i want to figure out what he'd DO#reasons are v different than excuses i wanna know his logic and then what action would come from that#part of the problem is ive started thinking about foolish and bad and how theyre so fucking silly#and how that silliness would be IMPORTANT for jaiden to recover#like the silliness is important for roier to recover#but she can't get that silly dosage from roier because he's a reminder of everything she has tried so so hard to forget#i think ultimately her anger is gonna be directed at the federation#not for hurting them or fucking them up#but for making them partners#for putting them together for bobby and then only putting them together again to kill#another avoidance tactic
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Episode 12 | “Beauty got problems and Brawn got problems”- Autumn
wow. just wow. i sure did just do that and im so proud. i proved to myself im a deserving winner tonight. i will fight to the death to get my allies to the end because lets be real i sure am not making it KJSDFLASFLA.
i was going to start this confessional out in a celebratory tone but YOU KNOW WHAT I STILL AM BECAUSE WE JUST DID THAT. I typically like to be my own biggest hater and drag myself in my confessionals a lot just as a way to clock myself and try to see the other perspective, but BITCH I KNOW I SNAPPED THIS ROUND AND IF YOU DONT THINK I DID LEMME HIT YOU WITH SOME FACTS; FACT: I CORRECTLY USED MY ADVANTAGE AND WON IMMUNITY DURING WHAT WAS A PERTINENT ROUND https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: UPON FINDING OUT I HAD IMMUNITY I KNOW DEVON WAS COMING TO ME TRYING TO KEEP ME UNDER HIS WING, OH YEAH ADAM, JUST VOTE IN THE MINORITY, AND GO ALONG WITH BEING AT THE BOTTOM, AND IT WAS M E DECIDING I DIDNT WANT TO DO THAT AND SPILLING THE TEA THAT LED TO GETTING AN OUTCOME I WANTED https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: it was ME who also went to autumn/ali and started planting seeds of doubt in their minds about jake and it's turning out it's helped me solidify my position with them better https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: It's also still me who's aligned with 2 or 3, if you include jake, of the biggest targets left in the game and i already have augusto and amir sliding in my pms trying to play pity me boo hoo hoo like gorl plea im not buying it but yall wanna keep singing kumbaya? well ill sing the encore and be twice as fake as yall (i DO love them both as people just as a disclaimer but from a game perspective? they're beasts!) https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif ok, boasting over, time to hop off cloud nine and get back to reality because FACT: we all just made a big move, so the target on all of us, including myself, just went up, FACT: i could easily be delusional and maybe i had NOTHING to do with this blindside SJDFA but lemme bask in my fake glory anyway itll be funny to read after at least... FACT: The war has truly only just begun, that was a great victory but if me/ali/autumn are really in it like we're saying, we may still have another idol on our side, but we're gonna need more than that, it's kinda funny we're one brain, one brawn, one beauty and i think that speaks volumes i truly love these gals and think this is a good game route for me. some people might think it's foolish of me to align with the big threats and go deep with them, but who's to say im not worthy of being in their company? if it wasnt for my social connection with devon he wouldve never told me the plan, and then autumn is the smart one so she kept us composed and together, and then ali was the brawn he had the idol and got the job done. So im gonna just try and stick with this for now, hopefully they feel the same and dont try to oust me right away because then ill look like a whole fool and a half OOP, and ill plaster my fake smiles on for everyone else and kiki it up we can haha hehe all day long but i wont hesitate to vote them out because trust and believe.
Last Day 30 was my last day playing TS: Guyana, so this is a nice feeling to still be here. But now the fun kicks in. Jakey helped orchestrate the Devon blindside with the Ali idol, so I guess we're even. And now, assuming Jakey is still actually with me, which I think he is, I think we can run this game for the longrun. He has access to Ali, Autumn, and Adam and I have access to the three Beauties. I truly see this being beneficial for the both of us in terms of keeping one another safe and allowing us to get to the final six unharmed. Final six is important for me. I'm not sure if I've admitted this in an earlier confessional or not, but I have the Legacy Advantage (thank you Jordan Pines!) that I can use at six. So I just need to survive two more tribals. If I can do that, I have a seat in the final five, probably two more rounds to survive before getting to FTC, and then I have a shot. I really need to start building a resume if I want to win this game, but I think I have a chance. I really need to get Ali and Autumn out in these next three rounds. If I can do that, I see myself being able to make the end with the likes of Jakey, Kendall, Augusto, and maybe Adam (Amir will become a threat at five or six I think) and then I have at least a shot at the win, but I really need to keep my head down, keep the social game going, and make a move or two here.
so. i think i have some explaining to do JKLASDFA huh? i was on calls for the like three hours before tribal so i didn't really confess at all.. in fact i think in my last confessional i said that we were voting 4-3-3 which did not happen at all so i think i need to fill in some gaps huh? so... i have known since like 11pm EST yesterday that i was getting votes tonight. devon told, adam told me and then told autumn, but then autumn didn't want to tell me until later in the day which i honestly do think was fair so we weren't spiralling for hours. we were all sus of jake all day (and lowkey i still am?)... like i dont know when his energy because so shady, plus devon may have told adam that jake was in on the plan? plus he kept saying stuff like the vote has gone "back to kendall" and kept pushing me not to play the idol... something does not add up right with that. anyway so that demonic group of five voted for me, and lied SO much to make me leave with my idol? like why not just make me paranoid, leak the vote to adam or jake then vote autumn get me to waste an idol and then autumn leaves? now that would've been a good move hello?! but that group does not know how to blindside, idols have sabotaged their plans twice and amir/augusto should consider themselves lucky that they are still in the game. also kendall fought me at tribal because i was being cocky... but she literally tried to blindside me into leaving with an idol hello?! i appreciate that she thought she was going, but she is zero to too much way too quick. augusto can literally suck my ass our call was him and his bad excuse for jury management, like can he at least be like amir and pretend to want to work with me? anyway so moving forwards, i wanna vote out kendall or augusto this round. amir can stick around because he at least pretends to wanna work with me plus he is a threat too. idek i just want all the fake people in this tribe gone. i will not vote for adam, autumn or jake. i will vote for any of the others, im not fussed about the order in which i do so. im living on borrowed time in this game and im going to make it count
Sorry this is two parts I thought my friend was gonna die lol but she's fine. Remember kids, there's no dick worth dying over and a straight guy rejecting you is a blessing in disguise these days (considering the alternatives).
Now on with the show hahaha
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1-AkqQGDYzlccP1VFwpPNo-aCQPFmoj9Z https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bVcBqq0JL2-ybgTiS2vOrYURbCG0kIxh
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thots on final 8: augusto: would cut me to win, literal love of my life, super kind and empathetic and genuinely good person, i think his social game is fire and i think he has a way with people, and downplays how smart and cutthroat he really is constantly, but i love the kid so much ali: the brit has to die ali again: okay im kidding i like him a lot but tbh hes a smart fucking guy, i think hes super cool and and also a badass with that idol play, hes a force but he has to go soon autumn: lana stan, coolest girl around, queen of the social game, queen of likability, queen of controlling rounds and letting others take the hit, a damn threat, she could win this game tj: sweetheart, we need each other in the game rn, i need need need to secure his loyalty adam: hes kinda crazy but he has a good heart, kinda just following ali and autumn rn, not gonna win in the end kendall: i have a soft spot for this crackhead, she deserves the world, probably cant win at the end but im happy i met her, shes on my side and a vote i can use moving forward jakey: love him to death would die 4 him, would beat me in the end and at immunities also the fact that kendall augusto and i are all still here is so fucking funny, like bitch how kejwnfkewjnfkejnwfkjnewkfnewk cockroaches
So numbers on surface Jakey - adam - autumn - Ali Kendall - Amir - Augusto - tj Round 5: Adam - Ali - autumn Amir - kendall - Augusto In the middle: jakey - tj So I just have to work on them
when i tell you ive been hooting and hollering what the fuck is going on in the survivor on this day, who the hell would've thought id win my third individual immunity in one season, gorl that is probably the most 2020 thing to happen in this game. although two of them pretty much were dumb luck afdjks either that or maybe im doing a little better than i think i truly dont know, and the touchy subjects clocked me on THAT as; what was it they said, 'the person they forget is in the game' and also 'least aware of their place' okay well yes im AWARE ive BEEN lost and asking for help this whole game gorl! But that's great, that's how i want people to view me, because uh... i just won 3 of these things now and that alone is reason to target me, granted im doing my best to play it up like dont worry! im just a dumb dumb! and clearly theyre eating that up like crazy, because it's both just the truth but also strategy if i keep playing it up, so watch out meryl, adam's in town! also LOVE that i knew i was gonna get most likely to have the idol i dont know how many times i have to say it IM INNOCENT AND BEING FRAMED FOR A FOOL and ooh dont even get me started on all the other tea it spilled, i actually got the LEAST of the bad things, i guess i kinda exposed myself because i made most of my chops at amir, augusto, and tj oop, so they probably didnt like that but they really left me no choice strategically, screw with me, i screw back, simple as that. As far as the vote too ummm.....it's been quiet tonight on my end so hope that doesnt make me a fool because this time last vote was a disaster, at this point im still thinking i need to stick with ali and autumn because this vote is so pertinent, after this a solid 4 can take it, or get as far as we can because im always keeping my options open OOP, but for the most part i do want to stay true to my good judys for now, but i know someone between amir/augusto/kendall has an idol and if they were smart theyd use it this round, so i need to convince the others of this because im sure its gonna happen since they dont think ali has one anymore hopefully but who knows, if it were up to me we'd vote augusto or tj this vote. I think amir has the idol and i think he's going to play it for himself this round or i could see augusto playing it for him, so if i can make anyone belive that very realistic scenario, we can get one of the ones theyd least expect just to ensure us the numbers for next round, but what do i know, they just forget im in the game anyway! so hopefully tomorrow someone tries to give me the tea and we get a plan together or else i spilled all the tea last round for nothing which is worst case scenerio
yesterday was a lot. I went an apology tour to everyone involved in my blindside and honestly it was annoying. the fact that augusto basically got me to apologise to him on our call when he blindsided me was irritating, like he just let me sit there and take fault when the point of the call was for him to take accountability. talking to him is like talking to 2018 me, he has such social ability, but he just takes zero accountability and is just so infuriatingly wishy-washy. he is all of my worst attributes as a player rolled into one. i also... almost won immunity? which is crazy, but I just found yesterday and the way immunity played out so frustrating, but I've spoken about it enough in my host chat enough. just know i feel robbed, slighted and if I get rocked out this round when i should have immunity. i will throw a fuss again SAJDKFLAS. anyway so this vote is gonna be a mess. tj and autumn now have a blood feud, Kendall and jake came to a head this round. so that's four people whose name i hopefully am not their number #1 target, plus i don't think adam is targetting me? but this vote is going to be a mess, because it very very easily could be 4-4, where there is an idol on both sides of the trench. i have a gut feeling amir and his sock puppets are going to vote autumn. it makes sense, tj wants her gone and the beauties need him reeled in. so i think im going to have to idol autumn, but that is risky because if the 4 vote jake... im going to rocks, and if they vote me, im reliant on jake going to rocks. but i just wanna send all these people backing, especially augusto. amir i'm trying to shake him that me and him have to stick together, but i also could vote for him. i literally just want to make F7 and to vote someone who just voted me out. that is literally all i want. if i go home i will be literally devastated
So like… there’s the dream and there’s the harsh reality which is something this round really talk me. The dream is obviously me winning, making all these big moves, and doing THAT. However, my reality? Could very well be that people don’t see me as a winner at all and it makes me a little disappointed but I gotta prove them all wrong. The vote last round being Ali was honestly mostly my doing and I’m proud of that. My ideal boot order is Autumn/Ali then Jakey then Autumn/Ali and that is GOING to happen because I’m putting that into the universe. When it comes to Autumn and Ali, I would rather Ali go but I think the safest bet while still having a target leave would be Autumn. In a way too, I do know Amir wants Ali out moreso alongside Jakey but I wanna separate my game from Amir so yeah. Also Adam calling me a fake ass bitch even tho my drunk ass was telling him I liked him was a gag… but oh well.. Nothing grinds my gears more than people thinking I’m not being genuine with how I feel towards them but if that’s what he thinks, maybe that’s what he’ll get idk… i feel petty and mad for some reason over it… BUT ANYWAY, I just want to survive this vote. I hope Kendall doesn’t go but she also said she wants me to win over Amir so yay?
If I die, I just wanna say I regret nothing and I have full confidence that the right person will win this season. So not TJ, Augusto, or Amir lmaaaaooo. Amir entering the two time winner chat??? Over my dead fucking body. If there's one thing Imma do it's poison a jury
Ali or Autumn... who shall we vote? Stay tuned!
Is Jess really Canadian... stay tuned!
god. today is gonna be another nailbiter and i want to confess first. so the plan is to idol autumn and vote out kendall, which sucks because i do now like kendall. i just think its the safest way of avoiding them playing an idol i guess, i don't even know. i just am sick of fighting in this game every single round me and autumn have had to fight to make it past. the fact jake is throwing a fit in my pms becuase im not idoling him is infuriating because... i'd love to idol myself? like? anyway im over it. if i go home, i hope tj can finally stop his blind fixation on autumn and i, that augusto can actually be accountable for one entire thing, amir can stop his pity party and show awareness for his threat level and that kendall... well actually kendall is fine. i just feel like im a mum trying to get all my kids to fit in a minivan and to put their seatbelts on, like can they get it together.
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I don’t think anyone is ready for this round or at least what’ll come of it... I’m expecting an explosion or a mess given Jakey thinks he’s staying, TJ has been lied to, and hopefully Autumn or Adam leave next... its all a mess. If Jakey goes, I’m planning a 2-2-2 split between Autumn and Adam where we maybe get Autumn out but Adam leaving doesn’t hurt either.
me with biggest villian, biggest backstabber, thinks they are running the game, is running the game, and is gonna win at the end http://prntscr.com/ss4h5q
literally god demolished and brutalized worse than anyone in this game tonight in that touchy subjects yet I’m also the one comforting like half the tribe over their answers even tho I ADKWNWQJN WAS ATTACKT LIKE this cast literally thinks im a psychopath fjebwfjenkn but im not gonna play victim over my superlatives i just have to use this target on my back strategically
I want destruction AHHHHHHHHHHhhHhHhHhHhHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Okay so, they think me or Augusto have the idol, so they can vote kendall, to ensure our idol isn’t played and that me and Augusto and tj are forced into rocks, and im just like trying to get everyone to stop replying to ali cuz hes smart and he will psychoanalyze and figure out who to play the idol on and like he has to play it on autumn and not himself so pls pls pls kkjnkjenfs let this work
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i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.
i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again.
i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person.
i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games.
i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that.
i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.
im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED
it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway).
my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.
i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?
i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.
or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive.
aggression.
i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.
i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester.
im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”
im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it.
sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.
ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women.
cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood.
and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter.
“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time.
for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.
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"What are cheap insurance companies in Ontario? (Toronto)?
Also: I have my G2 (for 2 years now, got my G1 4 years before that) I have been in one at-fault accident (fender bender, small)
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr
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First, don't worry, I have wonderful insurance so me and my baby will be just fine. But, today in one of my college classes we were talking about medical costs without insurance and it got me thinking.... how much would we have to pay for prenatal care, hospital bills, and doctor's fees if I was not covered by insurance (from conception to delivery)? Anyone know?""
Getting insurance on a bike?
I plan on getting a motorcycle near the end of February. I have never bought a motor vehicle before, so I'm not really sure about how I go about getting insurance. I plan on getting something used from Craigslist (most likely 2008 or newer Ninja 250/300), then either having the owner ride it to my home before I pay, or taking it in a truck or something. What do I do after that? How do I insure the bike? I will probably get Progressive. Also is full coverage worth the extra money, or should I stick with liability? I'm 17 years old so it will be more expensive for me than for others. I live in California by the way. Thanks!""
What are cheap insurance companies in Ontario? (Toronto)?
Also: I have my G2 (for 2 years now, got my G1 4 years before that) I have been in one at-fault accident (fender bender, small)
How much would car insurance typically cost for a first time driver with a used car?
I'm almost 18 and will hopefully be driving soon and I was wondering how much I would pay for car insurance for a used car? I'm not looking for a normal teen car, I'm looking more for a very child friendly safe vehicle for me and my son. Generally what am I looking at price wise either per/month or yearly for insurance?""
How am I supposed to afford car insurance?
I'm driving uninsured right now because for me to get car insurance is $900 every six months. That would crush me financially right now. Between rent and gas, and what little Starbucks pretends to pay me, not to mention food (and sometimes that's one meal a day, and even then it may be stealing expired sandwiches and pastries from the garbage can at Starbucks). So, it's utterly naive of the government to think of driving as a luxury , when in reality- when you have to travel 20 miles a day to get to work at Starbucks- walking is unrealistic. The bus routes do not go by there, by the way. How the hell do they expect a 24-year old man to afford car insurance, when he has to work to earn the money to pay for it, and he has to drive to work, and in order to drive he has to drive illegally?! The @#*%ing system is completely screwed up if you ask me. Don't get me started on how the hell I'm supposed to afford gas these days, either.""
How to upgrade my current auto insurance?
I'm currently looking for a financed car, but I don't want to make a purchase without first understanding how much my insurance will cost to upgrade to full coverage. I contacted my current auto insurance (GMAC Insurance/National General Insurance). I was told that in order to be quoted for a new car, they would have to delete my car from my policy & put the new car on. I'm not understanding why my car has to be deleted just to get a quote for something I haven't purchased. I'm constantly getting the run around with this. Shouldn't I just be able to be quoted the new car without it affecting my current policy?""
Insurance Corp. refuse to pay for a stolen car....?
My friend's new Honda was stolen near his home. ICBC, a crown corporation, refused to pay because they said the car was thief proof. And they suspect may friend stole his own car then filed the insurance claim. Does anyone had such an experience with the insurance company? What should be done about it?""
Will this progressive insurance claim raise my rates?
So I was driving along the turnpike here in Oklahoma the other day when I noticed a vibration I was pushing 70mph at the most in my 1998 ford ranger when i noticed this. my truck was valued by the claims adjuster at $5800 As the vibration continued I pulled over and slowed down right then I noticed and felt my tire tread from the rear drivers side fly out and do some damage to the bed the tire still had air in it but when i got out to look my tread had flown completely off along with some other truck pieces. The adjuster said more then likely the belt slipped or snapped or something along those lines the damage total was $2,695.00 less my $500.0 deductible the insurance will pay the remaining balance. it would have totaled out had the repair cost more the 50% of the value of the truck. Now my question will be tricky to answer because everyone has a different driving record I haven't filed a claim sense 2004 I hit a car ! guilty I have had speeding tickets but not sense 2007 I had one guy try and file a claim against me in 2008 he said i backed into him but he didn't carry insurance and had no proof and the claim was never paid out so I'm pretty sure my rates will go up come time for renewal I'm just trying to see by how much? can i call progressive would they tell me? do they even know???? I know that a lot of this depends on your claims trend. this is really the only claim I've filed in yrs and the 2nd one in 4 yrs with this company. that first claim never payed out either.. I'm a 26 yr old male if that helps any..... thanks everyone who contributes""
How do you go under someone elses insurance ?
im getting an m1 liscence and i was told insurance would be cheaper if i put the bike in my parents name and i was listed as someone who would drive it, so a few questions, would one of my parents need an m1 liscence, and how much qould it cost?""
Car insurance!?
im looking to get a car and insurance on my own is outragous. the question is my mum has her own car with her policy with NIS. on direct line i want my mum to be the main policy holder with me as an additional driver. is this possible for my mum to have 2 policies on 2 different cars?
Price of car insurance?
say im 17 and buying my first car and its a 2003 bmw how much will insurance cost for it per month?
Does the Affordable Health Care law really prevent insurance companies from denying pre-existing conditions?
They say that now, insurance companies can no longer deny insurance to people with pre -existing conditions. So what was HIPAA passed in 1996 for? This law states that insurance companies CAN NOT deny people with pre -existing conditions. The only change I see is it gets rid of the 12 month exclusion period. I had two aunts with lupus, both lived in California and had insurance, until they moved to Texas. If they could have kept their insurance, they would have, but for some odd reason liberals are against insurance across state lines. They had no problem finding insurance, they just had to be out of pocket for 12 months. HIPAA also states that if you can go six months without any medical visits, advice/procedures, insurance companies are not allowed to look further than that and must not apply the exclusion period. So did the Affordable Care Act really stop insurance companies from denying coverage for pre existing conditions, or was it ALREADY a law? http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq_consumer_hipaa.html""
Anyone have experience with ASDA car insurance?
Asda car insurance seems to be the cheapest by far in the comparison websites but are they reliable?
Best health insurance in Texas?
Best health insurance in Texas?
I want to buy a car insurance on my own and i am 18 years old.?
I want to buy a car insurance on my own and i am 18 years old. and i am going buy an used car (130,000miles). I get just have my driving license. i am a no experience driver. I live in EDISON NJ 08837, is it possible my car insurance is high than $2000/ year?""
""How much is insurance for state farm for a 1000cc, 750, and 600 gsxr for a 16 year old?""
I know what your thinking but hear me out, the new 2009 Suzuki gsxr has different modes like the 600cc mode, 750cc mode, and 1000cc mode i was thinking to get the 750 but if the 1000 has those modes then id want to get that and stay on that till i felt ready for the 1000 power cause i was gonna get the 1000 in college anyway but why waste the money now on the 600 then have another payment in 2 years on the 1000 when i can just use the settings till then when i have more experience??? but put that all aside how much is the insurance for a 1000cc bike? just so i can know for when im 18 if i dont get the 1000""
Confused about insurance law in CA?
Hey guys, I obtained my license a couple weeks back but I do not have insurance, meaning I was not added to my parent's premiums yet and do not have my own as well. However, the car that I drive does have insurance on it. Just clarifying, but technically, it is illegal for me to drive as of right now correct? Or is it legal for me to drive as long as the car has insurance? Thanks!""
Can someone please tell me why used Audi's or so cheap?? Can someone help me pick which used car to buy!?
2003 BMW 325I 84K Miles $10,900 2002 Audi S4 64K Miles $10,900 2005 Audi A4 1.8T AWD 79K Miles $10,900 2006 Honda Civic EX 1.8 75K Miles $10,900 2003 Infiniti G35 sedan 64K Miles $10,900 insurance is no problem, all these are clean car fax, clean title, all under KBB value, the infiniti is $3,000 under value, the rest are about $1000 under value. Any ideas why Audi are so cheap? im just looking for about a 10-11,000 car with low miles. Which should i pick?""
How much would my insurance be?
I will be a sixteen year old male and im getting my lisence the summer before junior year i have around a 3.2 gpa and the main car ill drive is a 2006 honda pilot and my dad has a 2007 honda civic. Also my dad is insuraned through geico and same with my sister but shes at college. Around how much would my insurance be? I know its more cause im a male but I would just like a ballpark amount. Thanks.
I am looking for health insurance?
I run a small nonprofit with a staff of 3. We are looking for affordable health insurance.
""I'm looking at Mercedes Benz E500 or S500 and BMW 745Li? Which car you think is better? Cost, Insurance etc.?
Mercedes Benz or BMW?
Where can I get cheap car insurance for a 17 year old?
I need car insurance preferably under 3000, I can be a named driver on my dads insurance (he's been driving over 25 years and has 5 years no claims bonus). I have tried comparison websites and even for a 1L 1998 Vauxhall Corsa, they are quoting around 7,000 - it's daylight robbery!!! Where can I get cheap(ish) insurance from? What type of cars are best (eg new/old, engine size etc)? Thanks.""
How cheaper would it be to insure a v6 99-01 mustang rather than a GT mustang for a new driver?
I want to buy a mustang someday. But i'm only 16 and I dont have a job or license yet. I fell inlove with the 99-04 mustang series. People say that v6 has better gas mileage and is cheaper to insure. The only thing I like the GT for is the loud exhaust. Could I just by a V6 and upgrade the exhaust? would the insurance be higher?
""Republicants, you do know that the larger the insurance pool the lower the cost?
Everybody pays into a pool it makes it cheaper overall.
""Car insurance for a 17 year old UK, is it cheaper if i add my mum as a driver?""
Basically, If I add my Mum as another driver to my car on my insurance, does the price get lowered?""
""Drivers licence, auto insurance in california.?""
I have my drivers permit, and I want my drivers license. I don't have a car so if I get my drivers license are they going to make me pay for auto insurance? Because I don't plan on driving a car, I don't have a car yet so how can they make me pay for auto insurance if I don't have a car? I just want a license so that I can save up for a car and just have a license before I buy a car. So I have until August 2010 to pass my drivers test and this insurance thing is really holding me back because I don't have money to pay for car insurance. So can they really make me pay for car insurance in California when I don't have a car to drive?""
Will my insurance company repo my totaled car if I'm still making payments?
April 2011 my car suffered enough hail damage to become totaled. I owe more on my loan then my insurance company is giving me, and would need $4500 to buy it salvaged. I can not afford to buy a new car and this one still runs perfectly fine (it was all cosmetic damage). I have been paying on my insurance and my car loan and have not been called regarding my choice to keep or sell my car in a very long time. My insurance policy has even been renewed for another year with no changes to my policy. I see no reason they would come and take it and not just let me finish paying my car. The problem is now my wife (who is fresh out of college with tons of debt and lowered my credit score) wants me to take out a personal loan and buy the salvaged title to make sure they won't repo it. My current loan has all the interest paid off the new loan would have much worse interest rates.""
Insurance for Kids?
I work at an insurance agency and have to give a presentation about insurance to grade school kids. Does anyone know where to find interesting info about insurance that kids would understand?
What are cheap insurance companies in Ontario? (Toronto)?
Also: I have my G2 (for 2 years now, got my G1 4 years before that) I have been in one at-fault accident (fender bender, small)
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/best-travel-insurance-quote-usa-luis-hunt/"
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