have to put it somewhere but in the last 5 years 3 seperate groups of people have decided im the villain and never told me why just iced me out and isolated me and in 2/3 cases i dont think i actually /did/ anything i think its a mix of antiblackness, ableism, and that ive seen them/know that they hurt other ppl very badly.

group 1 was someone who i used to consider a best friend but who soft cut me off when i disliked a partner of theirs, then, when they decided to hate that now ex, they pushed for their ostricization and 'took me back' without apologizing. they refuse to make eyecontact with me and their partner now flatout ignores my existence, even though i literally was the olive branch for this friend to almost every community theyre successful in now (not that they owe me shit for that), and i think its bc im still close w another Black/mixed friend of mine who they hate now bc they called them out on their antiblackness (which they give excuses for why their nonblack ass can get away with it). this person notoriously throws people out and claims 'villain' when ppl get upset at how they treat others as so cruelly disposable, and ive seen it up close and personal even before it was me and i think that also plays into why they treat me lkke this now.

2nd group was my exes friends who only knew me when i was a self destructive alcoholic. i was loud and obnoxious and yeah i had shrapnel (never abusive), but they decided covid, year 3 of my sobriety, that id never changed, ramped up my exes resentment at me for the alcoholic years even after they said theyd forgiven me and were proud of how far id come, and were instrumental in the breakup if that 5 year relationship. even though one of those friends was literally also sober, they just couldnt forgive me for ever having been an alcoholic, i was just worse than all of them i guess.

3rd is a current happening. someone i knew from god 9 years ago, again who i invited into the community when they were new in town (see a pattern?) had their white friend LIE ABOUT NOT ONLY KNOWING ME BUT ME MAKING HER FEEL 'UNSAFE' (IVE NEVER MET THIS WOMAN), to kick me out of a discord all my friends are in, and when ppl challenged that initially, this person had the gall to say that i made them uncomfy, to the point for a while they wouldnt go to POC events i was at. this person who took the side of 2 white boys who isolated me at 19 bc one of them led me on then dated my ex bf (they didnt have to like me, i was FPing the guy, but the isolation and all my friends picking their side still sucked), and then this person went on to be sexually inappropriate and preassurey and crossing boundaries w multiple friends at this point. but i cant hang out where my friends r bc i make this person uncomfy. i think theyre scared id 'out' them as predatory or something (wouldnt w/o permission of vics obvi) and so they paint me as the villain first

and like if i did something wrong let me know so i can leave y alone and fix it (like i did getting sober going to therapy getting on meds ect) im invested in not hurting ppl. but i dont think i ever /actually/ hurt any of these ppl, i think they just benefit from me not being around and are willing to lie and exclude and ostricize to get it. and ik that sounds conspiratory but like. fuck.