lately ive had a big band jazz cover of ferde grofés grand canyon suite in my head sunset especially. now can someone tell me WHERE to find a piano soundfont for lmms before i go bananas

Timer technology

The timer technology described below can also have the wall clock technology, where the tip of like hour pointed hand rubs on metallic plates at intervals within the clock like timer on how its set to switch on on places that it rubs on metallic plates connected with wire to meet the metallic hour counting hand and switches off the circuit when it turns on areas where aint got the same rubbing metallic feeling, they can be made many to switch off/on many times within an hour depending with the machine which harbor that timer. As in the song link below, Christ with rabbi to aid us dude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZVp8fvD_yc

Think if u r rude, u will be accommodated by me, take your rudeness all away dude and die, as we know now well how gadgets are made, not trying to make such in ya ways and all ya dubious ways to swag blocked. Die bro, so much coffins in the market requiring customers like you, so those who sell also as well get money. Die we bury ya. Just wants to give birth to kids 4 no apparent reason and disturb us with, carry ya luggage as 1 does to his at the airport, don't rush to settle scores on 1 as that ya fucking the pussy result child. Cannot consult with any tribe now or want to join them as they are gotten off guard with what they produce can be made much in the boom process. Dont play cool that u r different from the rest in ya group to be accommodated, eat ya sweet dude or die ya own death

Yam crushed mixed with much water the below inserted as maize cob, thinner, raw mango etc makes even the purple baby star-soft and shampoo and even soaps dude as what Bringanya does so respect nations producing the same as in the link below, of much intense effect than others thus selling much high in price

https://www.mapsofworld.com/world-top-ten/yam-producing-countries.html

https://www.theclassroom.com/the-top-five-sweet-potato-producing-states-13427447.html

Negros were taken to USA so they say what they are saying cause they produce little per state of which corn is the widely grown, so thought not of artificial boom made 1 to open their mouths wide as they do, if it was Canada they were taken they could be off respect cause it has much wheat, rye and cooking oil, so it was a test of character and they did not know of Alternator generator technology as E-car or airplane, so knew the earth crust 16 km so oil will be finished and the next car or plane will be powered by solar not knowing we go batteries that can open outlet along the way where they just replace ya car 1 once it atrophies along the road, thought white people will come to Africa during winter out of the above so their play dude

Gear motor like 4 the ceiling lights moving much slowly as can increase, decrease speed to either lengthen or shorten timer set time, where the outside gear to the push and pull switch that whether on or off the switch tip on same position- rotates to take it down to either switch the circuit on or off after another sequence as in the links below

https://www.jumia.co.ke/catalog/?q=geared+12+dc+motor

https://www.jumia.co.ke/catalog/?q=rotating+ceiling+lights+lighting+accessories

https://www.alibaba.com/showroom/fireproof-clothes.html

The motor can be made of wire covered with firefighter fire proof cloth so to burn not as in the link below that type not the downer link type but the above, esp microwave motor style or Micah fan style not other wire coiled in the middle motor style that needs brass that get depleted to be replenished dude

https://www.google.com/search?source=univ&tbm=isch&q=microwave+motor+images&client=ms-google-coop&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjazLvy8_bqAhXfCmMBHXvzBGMQsAR6BAgKEAE&biw=1280&bih=891#imgrc=zABiaCIq5h9rXM

https://www.google.com/search?q=types+of+dc+motor+images&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjirKP58_bqAhVI44UKHf7fAfMQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=types+motor+images&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQARgAMgYIABAHEB4yBggAEAgQHjoICAAQCBAHEB5QpOQJWPWGCmC1ogpoAnAAeACAAaAIiAHdHZIBCzItMy41LTIuMS4xmAEAoAEBqgELZ3dzLXdpei1pbWfAAQE&sclient=img&ei=6r8jX-KPIsjGlwT-v4eYDw&bih=891&biw=1280&client=ms-google-coop#imgrc=w5RbRNd1GU1X6M

When not yet in store u can uncoiled the above and place such clothes linen to recoil ya motor with even 4 airplane b4 u tie it to a belt to a new similar motor to start it as recoiled motor sometimes fail to kick on or start altogether lest the shaft rotated with bear hand or as explained above much more if it were a Dynamo where the motors with the belt rotating the same can be 2 with timer to alternate as the Dynamo remains one as cant burn up out of the recoiled fireproof cloth.

With the boom process u can place as well egg shell or sweet banana in the solution which as well when placed in garbage makes beds, sofa sets and kitchen ware and linings but wooden bro. The can replace the coconut made African broom option or mango as thinner option, pineapple, mushroom or cut pumpkin, can be used interchangeably or heaped together 4 better results outcome. The same precept makes even plastic mobile toilets and portacabin container houses

If u make other nation brand machines in ya nation or in client nation as well aid in the sinking of ya land synonymous with now many a nations doing the same which is a dirty game yet they ought to open outlets 4 repair and sale to curb the same and protect the buyers from illicit traders dude charging more and reaping huge from sales of other nation gadgets spare-parts. America contributes to the fall of ya land if u know not dude, so better address the same homey.

Armored glass helmet china made and coveralls, must have in ya house if vice verse of kebis being poor  

https://www.google.com/search?source=univ&tbm=isch&q=armored+military+glass+helmet+alibaba+images&client=ms-google-coop&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjJ8fm9yfTqAhWIDxQKHeqvBD0QsAR6BAgKEAE&biw=1280&bih=891          

https://www.google.com/search?q=armored+military+coveralls+alibaba+images&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwix8dPPyfTqAhX_AmMBHeqZDsUQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=armored+military+coveralls+alibaba+images&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQA1DIrgJY-9ECYJjfAmgAcAB4AIABngKIAc4XkgEFMC42LjiYAQCgAQGqAQtnd3Mtd2l6LWltZ8ABAQ&sclient=img&ei=GYciX_GAH_-FjLsP6rO6qAw&bih=891&biw=1280&client=ms-google-coop

edwayie koro inn, Podi ong’ya kaochong’o riyo bird, mind ya business u sleek silly man, black supremacy, we want to destroy that sharp pointed nose, though kidding, that nose of hate, now talk, many nations got missiles and guns as usa and even airplanes, i told them how to make the same, so will send me some cash, any company willing like with innoson and more, any company that comes up after 2013, u kisii, mean, nyamawho fresh mouth herb can be made much as explained in tumblr sirjustice350, so stay with ya money, always away out of no-way dude. Gonna be war, u came with bible, when African tribes did not know about such yet u bother people that this or that is Jesus must end like with airplane with linear motion yet siren gas, and earth radius is 1000km yet 16 km and like outside air has no air yet got, as u got satellite yet not and more u heap on others, what remains is to kill ya and take ya land and what am up-to dude, clouds with rain yet clouds smoke like dude as the song link below, rob bank with armored all round glass helmet and ware as tumblr above tells u how such is made, armored glass coverall

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yt849wJyVk

EATING BOILED maize smeared with chilies even makes much gadgets in the boom process when what placed in as below are inserted. Makes even big airplanes, heavy machinery, houses on media as u cut the photos diagonally b4 heaping to the garbage, military equipment and any dude

Internet and pay TV servers are made when old used auto-mobile tires are placed in sewer water or city garbage where many photos of such cut diagonally as well can be placed into the solution 4 better results dude in the boom process while the decoders are made just with broad leaves of any tree around ya placed in the same in the boom process bro.

Music software mix that u can heap many music and it placed them at the music selection at minutes intervals as all take a certain time b4 1 comes in and all music selected and downloaded are recorded there as long as u got the pas-code to eliminate flash-disk or Cd once u have the internet bro.

Temptations of Christ are well written and who saw them, Probably Mr Hindu blooded men as that Colombian blood, so u are in a well position to tell us the same at what time such happened, don’t bother us with what was brought unto us but the beauty now it atrophies as a kid who was very pimply but now all lost as face appears gloomy to attract much a women thinking one ejaculated much sperm 4 him to rub on his face or mucus as a toddler so needs 1 to wipe 4 him as take care of him, so the concern dude or was be-rived and cried 4 long 4 a lost 1 like Abraham did to Sarah at her death dude

With Cadillac car is made with cut bones of human or teeth placed in Garbage or cut many type of color flowers sprinkled and boom ya car as much as u can add cut diagonal photos of the said car pictures while Range rover is made with many onions placed in the same above or rye solution or cut flower sprinkled and boom ya car in the boom process

Naphtali and Gard tribe father as in Genesis 49 was not an end though i might be 1 of them as Gad tribe their skin appear reddish as white-men of Russia are known, so don’t get me together with u those who claim the same as outside marriage he slept with other women which aint documented in the bible and i fall there not the Kikuyu blooded wives as above who gives to insanity in their play synonymous with today’s Kikuyu blooded men portrayed character. Russia change ya character cause the employ the same u do claiming they are Russian cause ya land still vast they wanna get their, bad dude, consumes us bro and now again they talk as Italians do in Casino claiming the same but stopped when told the make u insane water at bar kalare, Gem, Kenya can be made much in the boom process as now they got it along time Kenya was Italy. Locating the best and wants u to join or if u claim u r Naphtali they also claim as well, What u want dude, with me i can live anywhere provided i got tiny roof or food synonymous with my life in Kenya now bro, locate ya life don’t follow me dude, Now u wanna claim the writings in Tumblrs yours as making gadgets, question is why have u not come up with machines 1st, dude, stop being a little child calls 4 annihilation if u relent not dude, now we got ya dude

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacob

https://study.com/academy/lesson/tribe-of-naphtali-symbol-history-facts.html

https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/112386/jewish/Gad-and-His-Tribe.htm

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2049&version=NIV

Black doted bird feather when placed in garbage in the boom process makes even American (decra roofing) type of roofing, when u have not succeeded in making the same, try adding African broom sticks as oleng in local jargon or papyrus reed pieces stick and boom ya smooth roof signaling respect dude as in the link below and with any gadget dude

https://www.google.com/search?q=black+doted+bird+images&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjhsI2YvvTqAhVE-4UKHfmGDPIQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=black+doted+bird+images&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQAzoECAAQQzoFCAAQsQM6BwgAELEDEEM6BAgAEAM6AggAOgYIABAIEB46BggAEAoQGDoECAAQGFCZsQFY7OQBYLXmAWgAcAB4AIAB4AWIAYxPkgELMi00LjQuMi44LjOYAQCgAQGqAQtnd3Mtd2l6LWltZ8ABAQ&sclient=img&ei=HHsiX-GyDcT2lwT5jbKQDw&bih=891&biw=1280&client=ms-google-coop

https://olasfoodsmarket.com/products/african-broom?variant=17488700742

https://roofmart.ca/decra-metal-roofing/

Utility of beans or Ground nuts to those states or country that produce the same, can be used to make leather velvet for seats and jackets or brown wood card-boards used as lining in container houses and even shoes when pieces of African broom as above inserted or maize cob in the boom process and many wooden electric appliances bro.

I though i behaved badly in my past not to find that those who held me to that were of hunger with their plans to set me even more free and even with the many women i wanted without course. Happy are those people phrases maybe, all guilt elevated dude.

Dollars are made with cut dry cassava, white plastics or cut flowers as much as human nails placed in garbage adding maize cob as above and ya dollar notes in the boom process bro

Carrot makes even smokies when added to pumpkin/cabbage water in the boom process making such products to be cheap dude. Carrots as well can take the place of groundnuts as explained above and even makes rubber products as slippers which when inserted in Garbage solution as above makes even big space rockets or saucer jets in the boom process bro.

Starter comp, u rotate a motor inside then connect to a solar charger controller then to a high watt inverter to power your house as the comp u can use the solar lights in the link below to rotate the motor in between during the day and at night as it saves power on the inside battery as Walkman motor uses less energy when alone as that power in the battery can turn the motor 4 more than 12 hrs b4 it atrophies dude

https://www.google.com/search?q=walk+man+motors+images&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwiDyeu9vvTqAhVKihoKHYYRBUAQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=walk+man+motors+images&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQAzoCCAA6BggAEAcQHjoGCAAQCBAeUPPBLli-4i5g_u0uaABwAHgAgAHdAogBuxiSAQcwLjguNi4xmAEAoAEBqgELZ3dzLXdpei1pbWfAAQE&sclient=img&ei=a3siX8PnFcqUaoajlIAE&bih=891&biw=1280&client=ms-google-coop

https://www.google.com/search?q=solar+charger+controller+images&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjknLGtwfTqAhUC9BoKHdBVBMsQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=solar+charger+controller+images&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQAzoGCAAQBxAeUPpiWI6PAWDUlAFoAHAAeACAAZ0CiAHUKpIBBjAuNi4xOZgBAKABAaoBC2d3cy13aXotaW1nwAEB&sclient=img&ei=bn4iX-StCYLoa9CrkdgM&bih=891&biw=1280&client=ms-google-coop

https://solartechnologyhub.com/best-solar-powered-desk-lamp-reviews/

https://understandsolar.com/indoor-solar-lights/

https://www.google.com/search?q=high+watt+inverters+images&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjj8tCRwvTqAhVYMRoKHZ3XCtkQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=high+watt+inverters+images&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQAzoCCAA6BQgAELEDOgQIABBDOgQIABAeOgYIABAIEB46BAgAEBhQ1VtY04sBYKKNAWgAcAB4AIABxQKIAaYskgEIMC44LjE0LjOYAQCgAQGqAQtnd3Mtd2l6LWltZ8ABAQ&sclient=img&ei=QH8iX-PSF9jiaJ2vq8gN&bih=891&biw=1280&client=ms-google-coop

https://www.jumia.co.ke/catalog/?q=alternator+generator

If u Injure 1 who goes to hell or already magma as thrown to hell fire and still on earth investigating amounts to absolute nothing as such cases on ya are erased, it will be prudent to do such when the incumbent still all alive like kebi hitting a woman at Bar Kalare, when will u get this dude, stop Mr Hindu of such cause u judging others aint sure of being salvaged from hell fire as above. Live ya own life stop cashing into others lives bro

Shop online in Kenya at the link below dude

https://shopit.co.ke/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvLakr8L06gIVFYfVCh1_AAMREAAYASAAEgItJ_D_BwE

Laser sensor motion lights in the link below dude, click to get a glimpse as if u got a large compound u can place WI-fi controlled Motion sensor alarms to detect foreign particles early dude and hang on ya bulb holder Bluetooth enabled speakers

https://www.jumia.co.ke/generic-powerful-green-laser-pointer-pen-visible-beam-light-1mw-lazer-high-power-532nm-4365424.html

https://www.jumia.co.ke/generic-waterproof-sucker-bluetooth-speaker-blue.-10791663.html

Invest wisely as in the link below

https://business.clubshop.com/clubshop-rewards-start-earning-today

Yacht made in Nigeria link below dude, click well to get a glimpse bro

https://guardian.ng/business-services/maritime/sifax-buoys-water-transport-begins-ferry-service-in-lagos/?fbclid=IwAR2WCA2qkefImWjzHXItsnu5OdftCnkSElfFOlvtlhV8tSNCwPj_h2oecII

SA military vehicle in the link below dude and Iran submarine

https://www.africanmilitaryblog.com/2019/11/meet-the-five-south-african-weapons-of-war-nigeria-should-fear?v=65d8f7baa677

https://en.abna24.com/english/service/archive/2014/08/19/632060/story.html

https://www.nairaland.com/1936525/10-largest-submarine-fleets-world

https://www.africanmilitaryblog.com/2020/05/nigerian-military-missiles-an-overview?v=65d8f7baa677

Stop war accept triumph not defeat and compensate the owner dude

oof personal rant about boy and relationship shit below the cut it’s way too long sorry

finally had a talk with boy last night... it started bc they are having a stoplight theme party tn where you wear green if ur single, yellow if it’s complicated, and red if ur taken and he was like “so what color are u thinking of wearing”... and i was like “green i guess bc im single”. but i said it as a joke.... and he was like... “oh well i was thinking yellow”. and i was like “ya me too i guess”... and he was like “ya idk i think most people will either be red or green so we’ll be some of the few yellow ppl which is kinda fun”. and i was like “ok. ya whatever cool”. and he was like “but i’ll wear whatever u want like if u want me to wear red i will”. and i was like “no. no pressure. yellow makes sense.” but then i was making sad girl face i guess and he was like “nooo stop with that face. you’re thinking about something what’s wrong” and then we like went innnnnn with like a convo about “us” or whatever the fuck.

anyways like the things he’s worried about when considering making us official is that he:

1. says he is an extremely jealous and controlling boyfriend? and he does not like who he is as a boyfriend so if he isnt technically a “boyfriend” he has no reason to get that way/can stop himself from being like that. which i like.... dont see at all. and like maybe he had a reason to be like that with his ex but honestly i dont do much or like get hit on so i see it as a non-issue honestly? like im too into him to like even need to be “controlled” like i genuinely want to do whatever he wants bc i just want to see him happy ? but then he said that when he sees me happy it makes him happy and when i keep crying like i have been it makes him really sad and scared that our relationship would be built on a bad foundation. and i see it as the opposite like in spite of what he has done and how he’s hurt me we’ve gotten past it and grown to know each other better and like each other a lot and im still here spending time with him so like idk we think about these things very differently i guess. 

2. he was thinking like soooo far in the future for some reason like... when i met him he was pursuing a finance degree in the business school but he like decided music was something he was really passionate about last year and since then he’s been like learning how to use like music production software and how to play piano since then. so he was saying like he doesn’t want me to see him as like a jobless bum loser when i could be with a guy has a secure upwardly mobile job making 60-70k right out of college while he’s like.... working as a DJ and practicing like music production stuff. and i was like..... what r u talking about like i don’t need you to support me? and if ur worried about how i’ll see you like i just want to see you happy i would rather see that than someone complaining about how much they hate their job and life every day bc like.... idk when you l*ve someone all you really want is to see them happy. and then i told him how i have bragged about him to people who like wish they could change majors about how he’s actually doing something he’s interested in rather than sticking with business school which he hatesss. 

(he started crying sometime during point two into point three)

3. he was worried about not being able to give me the level of attention ur supposed to give someone ur dating. like he was saying how he practices his music stuff in his free time but like when ur dating someone ur supposed to spend like all ur free time with them but i’ll have to like share that time with his music and he like doesn’t want me to feel like he has no time for me? but i was like dude i dont need you actively paying attention when we’re together like the other night i was doing my homework in his room while he practicing and i was just so stoked to be in the room with him even though we were doing our own things. and also like the people in relationships who spend allll their time with their significant others are people i get SO ANNOYED BY i was like dude... i dont want to be like any of those couples like of course i want to spend as much time as possible with you but i have other “relationships” i need to maintain that im not just gonna drop like some of my other couple friends have. like my friendships are super important to me, probably bc i have never been in a relationship so i like really do love and put a lot of focus on my friends, so if he needs time for his music and did need some private time to focus i would just spend that time maintaining my friendships because i love and want to spend time with them too? like it’s not that deep and i’ve been alone for so long im used to it.....

i think there was more but anyway he was thinking SO FAR AHEAD and asking me like what i want to do and where i want to go after graduation and im like ????? i .. dont know ??? omg ???? what does this have to do with like dating right now like are u never gonna date anyone again until ur ready to date them until marriage im ? confused? i.. legitimately was NOT thinking this far ahead ? but then he kept bringing up how like feelings fade and he like want to make sure his college friends are lifelong friends and how a breakup would make it so that’s a more difficult thing for us to be and im like i get it ? i have brought up that point to so many people like it used to be that i cared more about having him in my life forever like at least as a friend just bc i like him so much but now it’s harder to be like that bc i like him SO SO much like... idk imagining never having been official a few years down the road and just being that girl he had a “thing” with in college. bc that’s not what i want to be to him. like if we do stop liking each other i dont want to have to meet his future girlfriend or fucking wife and be like hi im olivia.. his friend from college. like just calling what we have “friendship” hurts so bad and if i had to look at someone he like loves in the future and call myself just a friend from college that would fucking kill me. like at least if we were exes i would be like hey im his friend-ex-then friend again from college. ya haha things didnt work out but i’ll always care about this guy ur lucky to have him. ya know. there’s a difference.

and all the things i was concerned about were suchhhh immediate issues like... im only not satisfied by the relationship status of like being a “thing” bc i want to actually be taken on dates..  and have someone who would be happy to like bring me coffee if im having a rough day (and like so it wouldnt be weird if i did little things like that too) and so we could like go on a trip together or like as it stands it would be weird for me to like bring him home for a few days and be like “hello family this is my good friend :) we are going to share a bed bc we are... friends :)” like you cant tell ur family about ur “thing” bc like o ur really good friends that care a lot about each other and have sex but ur not dating... like that gives parents too much to think about it’s gross.... and it would be weird for him to bring me to like his hometown to meet his friends and what not bc we are just like ... a thing? and i WANT to do that stuff like it would mean so much to me. but like you only do that with ppl ur dating and i want to be with someone who can like share their life with me and i can share mine with them if that makes sense. also u know what i think it’s fair of me to want to be able to call someone my boyfriend like. that is a word i have never gotten to use and when i like hear it in movies and tv shows and even when friends say it i feel like im being fucking stabbed. like i have never gotten to be a girlfriend and i feel like people see me as less of a person because of that, especially being in my 20s now. idk just like societal pressures are getting to me i hate being a sociology major im like super analyzing like the roles i am “supposed” to take to live up to what it is to be a woman in our society. like i have been a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a sister but i have never been a girlfriend and that is something i feel like an innate internalized NEED to experience idk like it’s just beat into you by media and peers and parents from when ur like a kid until you actually do fulfill the prescribed gender based roles... like if i am not a wife or a mother in my life i might fucking kill myself like ik roles and labels are meaningless but i NEED THEM to like give me identity and security. anyways. uh that was a lot. if u read all this and i don’t sound insane lmk!

What Scotland Means to Me Review

10th October 2019

https://vimeo.com/user24914740/review/365593991/bfeee2bdc3

Explain what your group did?

Firstly we decided on the places we were going to shoot so we came up with ideas such as George Square, River Clyde, Museums, Buchanan Street etc. 

We also started to create a brief storyboard. 

Three of our group members including myself went out and filmed our one minute video. we started off at George Square then headed towards Argyle Street and the River Clyde we also went to Central Station and finished off at Buchanan Street.

Our chosen editing software was IMovie.

What were the Challenges?

On the day we went out to shoot the video one team member was unable to go out with rest of the group due to having an injury to her ankle, another team member left while we were filming because she had a doctors appointment, by that point we were down to just two group members.

I dont have access to an ITunes Library so i could not import any background music but the video still has the audio to it. 

What went well, what worked?

I was able to get all the Important shots together and cut them down so that they made up exactly a one minute worth of footage.

What didnt go well?

We were only given a limited amout of time to storybord, film and edit the shots. 

I dont have an ITunes account of my own so i struggled to find background music that fits in with the way the film looks and if i was able to add music to the film i would be worried about copywrighting the music.

Some shots were hand held and they lost their focus. 

If you were to do it again What would you do differently? 

I would like complete the Challenge as an individual, I would choose a location that is within my home area. I live near the River Clyde where there is a Weir and a Disused Railway Bridge and i think that would be an ideal location to film. 

I would have better access to music and audio files. 

Key things you must pay attention to when making a Film?

Have a proposal ready 

Create a good storyboard 

Make a list of all the shots you want to include within your film

Make sure all your shots are all nicely framed

Make sure that you and your film crew are safe within the environment you are filming in.

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Notes 5 - It’s Been A While

This is not the life I though I’d have. I had so many plans. But life has been stolen. I’m sitting here my bed, in a tiny NYC room that I pay way too much for, with a roommate next door who takes me for granted, and bills staring me in the face every which way I turn.

I did everything I was supposed to. Every damned thing that was asked of me and I ended up HERE. I wanted to be a performer, but my parents didn’t support me going to California or Rutgers right out of High School to pursue my passion. This was very selfish on their part and I think I will carry resentment for that until the day I die. Because I will never ever know what could have been. But I own my part in that decision. I could have defied them, sure; been “cut-off” (from what I’m still trying to figure out...we still have no money). But instead, I did what they wanted and ended up nowhere and with nothing to show for my obedience...but I digress.

Sorry, it has been a minute since I last wrote. I had started dating someone and...actually thought again if I put all my effort into it, that finally there would be fruits of my labor. Again, life gave me a big fuck you. Why didn’t it work? I chased him far longer than I should have. I accepted far too little from him in return for what I was willing to give. Distance was an issue, but it could have been bearable had he been able to meet me halfway. He’s a good person. Just has lots of growing up to do. He will get there though; but without me. So, it didn’t fit and I cried SO much until I realized I didn't love him and I wasn’t ever going to. Aint that some shit; finally a guy “wants’” to date me and I’m the one who has to end it. I guess the first try is always destined to be a failure?

I posted recently about my role in friendships. YES, I know I have been MIA. But if you don’t understand why I’ve been physically non-present...I don’t know what to tell you. I try my damndest to respond to all texts; but sometimes my mind doesn’t allow it to happen.  This year has hit me SO much harder than I thought possible. Therefore, all my energy has been put into staying alive. Now, don’t be afraid of me saying that. I’m not looking to end my life. But when life keeps dragging you beneath the current and you keep rising enough to barely catch a tiny breath before being plunged into the fathoms below once more, you begin to wonder if you should just go with that flow and let it carry you away. Talk to someone? Been there, done that. Doesn’t help me. My problems are tangible. Money, Career, Love. Period. Scheduled venting sessions offer me no resolution. I entered myself into therapy in college. Went on for 4 years until it was no longer covered. Then when I got on employment a few years later in NYC, I resumed for another year hoping maybe someone else could help me figure out why I’m so miserable. 4 therapists/counselors later...nothing. So, I stopped paying the mere $30 copay there was (which was still a struggle because I was on food stamps as it is; still pursuing my dream to be on Broadway and become a recording artist) and went on with trying to at least solve one of my problems...money. So, I got a job instead of being a starving artist. 

Inflight crewmember with JB. FML. Why did I do this to myself? I did. I was in a bad place and things got a bit better but now I’m worse off. Mo money, mo problems?? HARDLY. Money would solve most of my problems right now. 

Rent. Utilities. Food (I make too much to be on food stamps no...so says the gov’t). Mental Health. Music...

Oh my music...So, I told you all I would explain more on why good artists struggle to get GOOD music out. Here goes my attempt:

1. Write music: doing this on your “off-time” from working for someone else’s business is exhausting. But if you love it and are driven, you can do it. I have many songs that I have written tired as shit after my redeyes. I’m actually a beast at catchy melodies, lyrics, and vocal harmonies.

2. Purchase equipment/software: Home studios or some type of set-up is pretty much a necessity. I need to have song fully imagined so the producer and technicians know the progression when recording and building the song. (Mic-$80, Logic X pro-$200, Studio Headphones: ~$100, Pop filter: ~$20, New computer: (varies, but given that I’ve had computers crash etc. I’ll tell the most recent price) $2500,  

3. Find a producer: So...unless you have magical fingers and can play instruments, the next step is finding a talented producer to do your backing track/orchestration. And good producers need to be PAID by the hour for a custom production. (~$25-50/hr) OR you can purchase exclusive rights to a already produced beat for a for ~$150...but even those can get pricey.

4. Book a studio: So, if you’re doing an original song you will definitely need multiple studio sessions. For one song I worked on, I spent about $700 dollars for 3 sessions only 3-4hrs long each. 

5. Proper mixing/mastering: there are online services that can do quick mastering. LANDR cost me $15/month. But when I’m doing original music, that needs professional mastering/mixing. What does that mean? More time for you or an audio engineer you trust to be in a studio. So, depending on who/where that is...lets say ~$25-75/hr (good mixing will take a few hours at least on the first sit down.

6. Song is done. What’s next? Promotion...see where this is going? Social media. You need photos/artwork which its own separate expense if you don’t do your own. And then if you aren't yourself a IG/Twitter/Snap influencer with 20K followers, you need to pay them to post your song so people give a shit to even listen let alone PURCHASE your art on iTunes/Amazon/Tidal/Soundcloud.  And influencers/promotion services charge HUNDREDS. So, when I beg and plead my friends to SHARE, LIKE and post I’m doing so because I need your help. I can’t ever afford good promotion. 

7. Release Music: You have to pay to release your music on streaming/music services ~$40. They then take a percentage of sales from each platform.

Now, your ONE song is out. Lets say a couple thousand people streamed the song for free on Spotify or Pandora. How much you think an artist gets?  Well, lets put it this way. I’ve done a few songs and have seen no money. I’m literally hemorrhaging money just to do something I love. But that forces me to do more of what I hate is being a flight attendant. Why don't I do something else? Oh honey, trust me...I’ve been working since I was 15. Dont you think I’m looking? I’ve been looking and brainstorming. Nothing is looking good. So, yes I know I’m the only one who can get myself out of a situation I don’t like. But it is beyond me right now. But I DO wake up each day hoping I find SOME way to make a change. But I do fear I will reach the point of hopelessness fairly soon; and the point is different than the braking point aforementioned.

So, I was doing all of this music creation on top of a depressing dating experience and roommate issues AND job related stress. I’m honestly not sure how I’m alive. I’m not suicidal but at one point I contemplated calling a hotline to see exactly what they are trained to do should I reach the braking point. I didn’t do it. I cried myself to sleep again; rolled out of bed the next day to go to work as so many adults do. I KNOW I’m not the only one struggling. But when your lot in life feels like a mistake and loneliness is staring you in the face every day you are “blessed” to open your eyes, you keep asking yourself (well, I keep asking Myself...) Why the FUCK am I here? No one (on the grand scheme of things) is paying attention my music and guys literally seemed repulsed when I express interest. I’m know I’m supposed to matter but, this world keeps telling me otherwise. So, yeah...sorry, it has been a while. But without music, I guarantee I’d be gone by now. Guess we’ll see how long this will last.