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theinsanecrayonbox · 2 years

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KP watches the live action Monster High Movie

watching the MH movie with review watching thoughts. we started this somewhere around 10 am...ended around 1:30 pm. oh goodie, this is a LONG post

right off the bat that’s not Deena, that’s my Leena. sorry i don’t make the rules.

but also, how was it comfortable for her ears to be in that helmet? and how has she lived with those for 15 years and no one noticed? was she just homeschooled? and she’s now the tofu eater?? and aren’t almonds dangerous for canine? (i know she’s a people too, but werewolves aren’t supposed to have chocolate (sometimes) due to their canine side so...) and her mom also had constant ears too?? but what? i thought, from the preview texts, that she had JUST started to become a wolf, as in she looked human up until recently? how did her mom hide out in the human world? where even IS her mom? (you’re only a min and half in KP geeze) that family portrait implies she stuck around longer than Aquaman’s mom did so she didn’t at least drop baby Deena off and ran i guess...but yeah mom and kid had ears and that was a JCP portrait; didn’t the photographer think that was strange?? i just...i’m only a min and half in and i am having far too many questions, i can’t let this spiral like the netflix death note watch review did, i just...i just can’t...

ok so Deena got a hogwarts letter...i guess she applied online? heh “dark web’ sure i’ll give that for a pun. but her dad knows all about monster stuff? ok...but people at the park don’t? i...what is world consistence?!?!?!? i mean, MH always has that problem about how closely linked the human and monster realms are, how much bleeding into one another there is. but i...no, no, just move past it, we need to get hairy pawter to magic school for the plot. but also, half-monsters are a regular thing????? no, no, moving forward...

i know people pointed out the license plate saying “bark” but i wonder, was 9/25 the original release of MH something or other? also...what state is that plate from??? the closest i know is the DC plate, but it’s not exactly right and the mountainous landscape doesn’t match places around there...is it just a made up plate design?

lol yes walk through the spooky skeleton mouth portal. but dad is kinda far too chill with this...kids’ movie though, so that’s to be expected.

oh musical number 5 minutes in...yeah we are a kids movie. but hey the school’s render, though not super top tier (tv budget) does look good. but yikes that poor backgrounder in the neon yellow body suit who’s face paint does not match. that’s rough buddy.

oh hey Ula. just...dropped in with no introduction. and Abbey is...yeah not gonna touch that yet. but Frankie, also just dropped in. this really relies on you being familiar with the MH lore and setup going into this, doesn’t it? heh mummies in combat boots. but cleo....is not over the top enough...and being besties with piranha Lagoona is still weird to me...i can *kinda* forgive the “i broke up with Deuce over the summer” plot point because that does open us up to new story lines for them (as in them getting back together, not just them dating other people). and Lagoona’s CGI still looks very cheap ^^; but honestly why isn’t she pink like her doll? everyone else gets colored (though now thinking about it Deuce isn’t really green is her...) the fact you have folks with human skintones really doesn’t help your “no humans allowed” sentiment when a class photo looks like half the student bodies are human passing.

wait Heath is bit more bro-mode and less weenie, but kinda right in the hitting on everything that moves (that was Abbey right?). and no Deuce is green, so yeah why isn’t Lagoona pink?

oh hey Ghoulia

ah Mr OC teacher is the newbie student teacher. that’s nice.

and we are starting with teh anti-witchcraft. but ohho, Dracula calls it a “human practice” so my thought that it’s frowned upon BECAUSE it’s humans pretending to be monsters kinda dealio was right. ok, cool, i’m good with that. i also can’t help but wonder if giving that to Drac to complain about has anything to do with his past employment of romani...but we won’t go there since again, kids’ property, it ain’t really gonna go there.

is that Spectra Deena says hi to in the dorm hallway?? also, hey the dorms! we get to see them for once! i have always liked the idea of the school dorms for those monster kids who have to travel too far from home. i mean, i guess now everyone lives there without question, so that’s cool too. but yay dorms.

wait, Ghoulia speaks normally? uh...ok...well, the trend of taking away the neat unique character bits is a thing for G3. but she her line “that always gets the freshmen” (why not freshmeat boo) implies she’s at least a sophomore? that’s kinda cool, it’s nice to have some grade divisions. and i guess Deuce is too since it seemed this was at least his second year at school.

Frankie is kinda awkward but sweet. although, they’re made from famous people parts huh? not just...general parts...or possibly the Skull Shores lady...made from specific famous people parts...like Herman in the new Munsters movie...and Ula is a witch vampire just like Lilly...uh...moving on.

that window looked like it was just glued onto the wall

ok wow, Ula’s personality feels like a complete 180. she’s not into community? she was president of the vegan vampire club and always doing community outreach before. she was into sharing and group activities. i know she’ll grow out of this through her arc i’m sure, but just wow. she’s got more Cleo attitude than Ula.

oh, ok, i take back a little positive points from the castle, it looks not as good in daylight. but also, why is there daylight in a monster realm? eternal night would seem better for most species wouldn’t it?

ok if Frankie’s parts came from folks that didn’t have schools, how can the parts be viable enough to be useable for them in the modern times? did their parents have super juice that rehydrated them or something? (you’re only 15 min into this 90 min movie, you’re never gonna make it KP)

ok if you have on campus dorms, why would you require lockers? that's more me just asking not critiquing the movie’s choices, because logically that just doesn’t make sense to me. lockers are to store your personal and extra school stuff...but you have a dorm room for that here. maybe to cut back cross-campus traffic i guess? just seems redundant to me.

ok wait, Deuce broke up with Cleo, not the other way around? ok...i’ll take back a few of those “i’m *kinda* alright with it” points because it could still be because of Cleo’s family stuff that caused it...

calling Frankie a “walking jigsaw puzzle” could work as an insult...if they looked more mismatched. but they look pretty uniform, just you know, greenish blue. their outfit even coordinates enough. also Deena that was a tiger roar; you are not Tora. and Abbey and Heath are chatting behind Deuce...those two are still going to be a thing aren’t they...

hey Deena is taller than Frankie here. that doesn’t line up. also, was Deena’s surname Wolf before? was her dad named Mr Wolf? is that how her parents met, cause her mom thought she was meeting another werewolf but turned out to be a funny human dude that she ended up falling for? does the monster and human tinders crossover like that if you don’t hit the right setting? or was it a “my gym partner is a monkey” situation and it stuck dad on the monster’s side? i have no basis for any of this, i guess i’m starting to wonder a bit...only 18 min in, that’s not good

heh Bloodgood’s office is in the clocktower. that’s kinda cool...but would be annoying to get to? all those stairs i’m sure. but wait, joan of Arc gave her the coffee mug? ok, ignoring the “i hate mondays” gag would not have been a thing back then, wasn’t she, oh idk, HUMAN???? WHY would you brag about knowing a human (even in the past) well enough to get gifts when your whole culture is AGAINST humans??? she was burned as a witch; was she really one in this setting? but she still would’ve been human then maybe. i know it’s a stupid gag, but you aren’t even following your own lore rules??

ok lore drop. so...the school was founded when the monsters broke free from human oppression. so...they built this pocket for the school so their kids could grow up safely. ok, i can get behind that. does that mean that adults live out in the human world? is this like BeaStars where the kids are separated until adulthood? also...Bloodgood knows momma Wolf; does she know she ran off with a human dude? if not, where does she think Deena came from? ok she makes a joke about him being human...but does she know? is Bloodgood really pro-human and reunification/integration and that’s why she’s making Deena important? also, why is her mom such a big deal; if she wasn’t just a generic werewolf someone should’ve noticed she went missing when she ran off with dad. also, also, Pierre could totally be a monster name, he’s just french-canadian guys (which oh look, i’ll count a half point on my OC checklist since my Leena *is* canadian-american). oh but now Bloodgood is saying humans bad, and hah did make the french joke...but why would a french wolf be rare? again, canadian solves that easily, lots of space for wolves to be free.

LOL Ula making toilet hooch potion. ok, that’s funny, score a point for you movie. but on the other hand...you should’ve locked that door and that’s a public bathroom, you really should’ve been doing that in your dorm’s (or your dorm floor’s) Ula. i get it, you grew up in a castle with a zillion bathrooms no one used, but still girl, plan your secret spell casting better.

ok so Deena turning human is the new change, not that she became a wolf. ok, i’ll give you a point for switching it up...but again that begs the question on how did she stay hidden for so long, especially when they weren’t really hiding -.-

wait so Mr OC Teacher doesn’t have teaching degree? he just quit an accounting job and decided to teach high school? no wonder he sucks

ok school, if you are sentient, and you *know* Deena is human, why not just lock her out of everything? why be cryptic? unless...you don’t mean Deena and you mean Mr OC. GASP! you do mean him don’t you! because he’s teaching without a license and encouraging the segregation! Deena is a misdirect! also, MR OC is only in this movie as far as i know, so him being kicked out at the end would clean that up nicely... i cracked the code. now to see if i’m right

oh wow, bright daylight on the castle...yikes...

and more Abbey and Heath...meh. also why woudl you want to eat that foot after playing with it, won’t it be gross? also also, was that a HUMAN foot??? so you hate humans, keep segregated from them, but you’ll still use them a food source? what?

Frankie...why do you have innate monster physiology knowledge? all the smart brains you claimed to have were human related. also, why is everyone ok with you being made of human parts if humans bad? GAH! the inconsistence of what parts of humanity are bad is annoying and we are going to be her all day with me pointing them all out. (spoiler: i’m still going to be pointing them out)

oh goodie the “i hate humans” musical number is about to start. 24-25 min in, so i guess the musical numbers are spaced out well enough, so point there.

ok lore dump; 1071 the school was started, and yes it was to gives the kids a safe space, and again human are bad. but we learn about Jekyll/Hyde...so Jackson does not exist...and hey was that mom Wolf? was her name Selena? and she was in school with Eddy and...Drac?? ok...is Ula’s dad not Vlad then? is he like Dracula the 3rd or something? i could buy Eddy and Mom being in school together sure, but if Ula’s dad is the original Dracula that doesn’t line up at all. also, also, that photo must’ve been taken with a digital camera because vampires don’t photograph due to the silver used in film/developing. so again, that would line up kinda with Mom’s age...but why would Eddy’s attempting to be monster/human be that recent? the school was founded in 1071, there were no halfbreeds from then to the 90s? or were halfbreeds allowed up until Eddy??? because Eddy isn’t really a halfbreed, at least not like Deena here is. he wasn’t integrated, and if he worked like Jackson, was unaware of the two consciousnesses. so yeah, he would be a danger to exposing them. while Deena is a halfbreed, despite her puberty hiccups, is integrated. also Eddy did not look like a teenager...BUT again, he was a liability, so kicking him out could still expose the lot of you you know. i get an angry mob killed him apparently (and labeled a “mutant’ so...could he be Mikey’s foster dad then??? O.o) but if he’d stayed human mode he could’ve blended in and plotted revenger, just saying...

wait does Heath have a mullet?? oh wait that’s his hood, ok it looked like his hair ^^; zomr there’s a backgrounder who’s lime green with fizzy dark roots to blonde hair, and i just laughed cause that’d be Betty-Sue easily XD

oh no Cleo don’t try to seduce your teacher! i know you’re thousands of years older than him, but he’s your teacher!!

oh so the lab they find later is Eddy’s not Sparky’s or Hexikiah’s. but he was making a potion to get rid of his human side? so...the opposite of the original story...that’s cool. but also (i say also A LOT don’t i?) does that mean he might be a descendant of the original Jekyll/Hyde then like Jackson? so he was born this way, but the serum kicked in when he hit puberty and that’s when he discovered his human switch (again, like Jackson but reversed since he grew up thinking he was human (the later retcon not withstanding) ). he’d still not be a halfbreed mind you (unless one of his parents was human and that’s why the dormant serum effects were active in him)

i applaud the actors all talking super clearly with fake fangs on. good job kids, you’re doing wonderfully.

her claws are naturally purple? the air being naturally purple i guess...and wouldn’t it hurt more to change out ears? eh, at least Frankie is taking the situation well. but you have WWII brains??? i’m pretty sure that guy was human too here my dude. (though i am once again curious how WWII influenced the monster world and how they interacted with that and other historical events). but realistically, you need a sypher key of some sort to decode things, as far as i can tell Frankie is just making up what that book says without any evidence to back it up (then again, i want “realistic” in this? ha! i’m dumb). however...it was vague enough to suggest that maybe he wasn’t purging his human persona, but was looking to integrate...or he discovered his missing piece was his human heritage...

wait Deena can video chat with dad through dimensional layers? so...my jokes about monster tinder might be right? you’d think the monsters woudl have their own cell service and internet that wouldn’t be able to interact with the human ones...but did she have an iCoffin before coming to school? is that why it works? did they jailbreak it?

ok Deuce usually helps at these yearly dinners...has heard it a bunch...so is he a junior? or does this school also house the Middle School? (i’ll take a point for that) i know species age at different rates, but the school year shouldn’t be repeated over and over until you reach the developmental milestone; you’ll have the knowledge, just go to the next grade. or is this not a yearly event, but a bi-yearly one? he’s still not a freshmen. i guess you could get away with him being held back a year, since they keep suggesting he was a trouble maker (though we have no evidence to support that) so he could be a sophomore, and repeated freshman year once. the other option is his mom’s on the alumni committee so he’s attended the event as a guest before i guess

haha “nocturnal feeders please report to the cafeteria”, thank you for acknowledging the night class

Phil Hermiton? Frankie’s “uncle”? ok, so if he’s in a monster graveyard, then he probably was a monster...so not all their parts were human, i’ll give you that one. but...why? he died at age 30 in ‘04. ok some monsters are shorter life spanned but...he died 18 years prior, his parts wouldn’t be viable for usage. did Frankie’s parents just collect parts when they became freshly available and invented suspended animation to keep then viable for decades?

aww sweet moment of Deena and Frankie connecting.

and Ghoulia lives in the graveyard. i mean...i guess that makes sense. you could use that as an undead dorm, but housing them in a crypt would be better.

oh NOW you’ve learned toilet potions are bad lol. and again, citing witchcraft is a human thing. and another musical number at the halfway point, about being yourself and having friends who don’t judge your weirdness. yeah, sure.

i need lunch. this 90 min movie has been going on for 2 hours...and we’re only halfway through...ok 30 min later we are back to the movie

hey wait, is it really wise to be loudly singing about spellwork and stuff there when you know Ghoulia’s bed is like 10 feet to the left? but ooo mysterious shadow, dundundun

wait another musical number? oh no just the radio. and the coffin bean is on-campus? i knew mayo was an evil magic! but oh the lore breaky coffee cup is plot important.

purple haired backgrounder named Scary??? huh...

waitwaitwait confirmation that humans who die become ghosts, because of that Queen Elizabeth I joke????

oh good, the movie had a decapitation for all of 5 seconds

no don’t talk about magic plans, i wanna hear about the dragon lore girls! historical lore for world building!! and dragons!!!! wait...Mr OC has a two toned outfit...half and half...is he gonna be a Hyde? is that why he’s a nerd and doesn’t look a thing like a minotaur? cause that’d be dumb...

oh it’s mirror zoom call time with the Darculs. so yeah, Drac is now Ram and Ula is Cleo. and vamps vs witches for centuries???

monster biology? not biteology? boo

wait Gorgons are ostracized in the monster community? is it because of their human ancestry? the whole “snake hair and turn to stone” can’t be it, other monster species have more deadly powers than those. and Deuce is the first in his family to go to the school? (doesn’t ruin Seth, that’s fine there) so his mom is not an alumni...so he is older than 15 and possibly was held back.

oh it’s another musical number for real this time, 58 min in. again, his glasses aren’t tinted dark enough; i’d give you they could be the proper prescription to reflect/block the goron gaze, but the “they think i’m sleeping” line does not work. maybe he used to have darker glasses in his “a few years i was on a dark path” phase, but it’s not now. but good on Deuce for not getting mad at Deena for saying “i just waned your snake venom”...though he sorta should have...

see Ghoulia is right there and listening to you guys, she knows all your witchcraft and halfbreed secrets. you guys are just lucky she’s cool and not a narc

ok Cleo just admitted she was once mortal, aka human. WHY is she cool to be here??? you guys hate humans. is it because she’s been undead for X-amount of time? it can’t be because she was affected by/used magic since witchcraft is also bad and hated.

“you should be ashamed for not living up to the standards expected of you” well Bloodgood, that’s your fault for assuming these children should be untouchable paragons of monster purity or whatever; you teach high school, you should know better, kids are dumb idiots who do stupid things, whether they are monsters or not

and Cleo’s going to become good because Deena saved her unlife. well...the power of friendship was good, but this is a good way to start that off i guess. the school throwing a tantrum though; why would it “tear itself apart" because of an internal threat? shouldn’t it be trying to purge itself of that threat? or is it more like it’ll rip apart the pocket space they’re in, and phase the school back into the human realm?

oh musical reprise time, 1:05 into it, ok. but surprised she could run away so easily, since you know just caught galivanting past curfew, no one was watching the dorm? and Ula can travel to the human world too??? Frankie too? so anyone can travel that portal? did the other kids all travel by portal/s?

OH! she needed a HUMAN hand to open the door. ok, i did not notice/think of that, so kudos. but why did you invoke the name of your principal as a declaration of shock?

uhoh you left the crypt open, rookie mistake ghouls.

lol Frankie wanting to make a bomb.

oh look it’s Mr OC...and *sarcastic gasp* no way you’re telling me minotaurs are HALF HUMAN. the guy who looked the most human in eth whole school was HUMAN. who would’ve thunk it! i am in complete and utter shock. and he’s not Eddy but Eddy’s son with a minotaur lady? so...he’s a quarter human? whatever, he’s the bad guy and the unclean spirit, hurray i win. but...if he’s Eddy’s son, and Eddy and Wolf Mom were in school together why is he older? did Eddy knockup his prom date or something? but he did say “mother’s maiden name” implying she and Eddy were married? or she married someone...why do i care, he’s the bad guy now, can we just roll with that. so wait, he couldn’t open the door because he didn’t get the human switch (ignoring his hands look human anyways) so...he’s not half human then, because he only got the Hyde not the Jekyll. he makes no sense. G3 Jackson you are not good sir (thank ra). and yeah, is that’s closer to what pure minotaurs look like (and we go know how Manny looks too mind you) how did no one think he wasn’t a pureblood to begin with???? yeah sure, go threaten to destroy the place as an act of revenge for your dad, that’s fine. i’m still confused by your biology and the world’s politicking here my dude.

ok, so an uber monster that can steal others’ powers...that’s actually a great idea for a villain.

oh hai Lagoona, sorta forgot you were a character here

oh that’s Abbey being a server at the diner...i thought that was a white werecat. kinda wondering who all the alumni donners are though...we got a Nosferatu and a Minotaur (again, we see him there, HOW did you think Mr OC was a pureblood???) but what are the ladies? is the white haired one a ghost lady?

so powerless Ula can still magic, because witchcraft taps into magic and is not innate. good good.

why is Ghoulia rushing in to help out? i get Heath and Abbey having followed Deuce, but she was dirt napping to the left and didn’t bother to jump in to help until now?

it’s funny how human!Deena looks more like Deena than G3 Deena does

and really, we defat the bad guy THAT easily? uhg, kids’ movie

ok so Deena thinks she’s getting kicked out. but again, letting her run out in the human wilds AS A WOLF would just reveal yourselves. you should lock her up...but again, she’s not getting kicked out, she gets to stay cause everyone decided that centuries of segregation might’ve been a bad idea. uhhu, sure. but i guess confirmation that momma Wolf is dead since the “she would’ve been so proud” line kinda suggests that?

dad, cubs aren’t wolves...but wait he’s Apollo? he’s the sun? and momma the moon?? i...that’s cheesey. lets just roll into the closing musical number as everyone’s arcs are quickly wrapped up. Deena gets to stay, Ula gets to study magic with Drac’s approval, Frankie gets to have friends, and Deuce gets to be a politician.

oh and sequel baiting with some witch thinking Ula can destroy all vampires? meh, sure i guess.

so...wow it took me 3 hours to watch a 90 minute movie. but unlike the netflix death note, it wasn’t from rage i just...i like lore, i’m fairly familiar with the G1 lore, and this couldn’t hold it’s own consistency you know? it’s far from a **bad** adaptation. i honestly like it far better than WtMH as a restart of the property. but it...idk. it was far less Descendants than i thought it’d be, so that’s also good. apparently the series is not directly tied to this, this is semi-stand alone as far as i’m aware? idk. it was good to watch it, but probably not something i’ll watch again on my own.

#kp watches tv #kp watches stuff #monster high #review

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