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justgillespie · 3 years

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Missing (4/?)

Summary: Your next door neighbor, Luke Patterson (a.k.a. your longtime crush) has gone missing, and you think you could help finding him.

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings: None!

Part 5

•

As soon as you both finished eating, she took you to his room.

It felt weird to you to see the rest of the room you couldn’t visualize from your window. You could finally see some furniture and more posters.

“I promise I won’t go off limits, Mrs. Patterson.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry. As I said, this is a pretty special situation. Just call me if you need anything.”

That took you off guard. You didn’t actually think she would leave you by yourself.

“Thank you, again.” You said before she left.

You looked around for a moment, and giggled.

You couldn’t believe you were there. You made it.

You looked at your window room from there, and couldn’t help but think that just a few hours ago, you were there trying to figure out how to get to Luke’s room. Max would not believe this.

You started going through some notebooks found on a desk. Maybe one of those had some information about the band. But you didn’t find anything relevant. If there was something, you couldn’t really tell. He had horrible handwriting. You did notice signatures from the other band members. Mostly Alex and Reggie’s, but nothing else.

You moved on to check the desk drawers. You found a polaroid picture. He was there, with three other boys.

You opened your eyes wide. The band. They had to be the rest of the band. Of course, you didn’t know for sure, but you had a good feeling. You grabbed the picture. You would ask Mrs. Patterson if you could take it with you.

You then stood in front of his closet, thinking whether or not to go through it too. You decided to open it and give it a quick glance. Not touching anything, just looking at it.

And so you did.

You opened it and noticed that it was practically empty. A couple of jackets were hanging inside and a single flannel shirt. But you thought it was impossible for him to take every piece of clothing he owned. If he ran away on his bike, as his mom told yours, than he must’ve taken a simple backpack with him. Something easy to carry.

Just to take away the doubt, you checked the drawers and indeed, there were several shirts and pants in there, perfectly folded. You closed those and finally went up to that one poster you were so familiar with at this point. But there really wasn’t any more information besides the band’s name.

You then checked his night stand and, besides a lamp, the only thing that you found was a guitar pick. It was white, and it had the letters SC written on black. You took it and then, giving the room a last look, you left to meet Mrs. Patterson in the living room. You showed her the polaroid you found and told her that you suspected they could be Luke’s bandmates. You asked if you could take it and she said yes.

“I also found this guitar pick? I think he might’ve forgotten when he... left. I just thought that maybe I could take it with me just so when I find him I can give it back.”

You noticed the conviction in your voice, and by the sweet smile Mrs. Patterson gave you, you could tell she did too.

“Of course. Take it.”

“Thank you.”

Before leaving, you and Emily ate a couple of the cookies she baked while you were up in Luke’s room.

“Take care.” You said to her on the door, when she gave you a hug.

“You too, sweetie.”

“I promise to come visit you more often.”

“I’ll be waiting for you. I repeat, you’re always welcome.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you, too.” You both released from the hug and you were already walking away when she called you again.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?” You turned to see her.

“You’re a really nice girl. I think you and Luke would get along perfectly.”

•

Tamra got home first, as usual, and she parked her car in the garage. As you thought she would. Which was the reason that made you leave her a note on the fridge. You decided to wait for Max in front of his house, on his steps.

His mom, Mrs. Miers, invited you to come inside but you told her you would just wait for Max there. She tried to convince you otherwise but you insisted, so she asked you to at least accept a glass of lemonade.

You emptied the glass just when Max was arriving.

“Hey! How did it go?” You rapidly got up on your feet and walked to him.

“Well, hello, I’m fine, thanks.” He rolled his eyes.

“Hi. So?!”

He sighed. “I did it. I talked to people... kind of.”

“What do you mean kind of?”

“Well... I asked my friend Ian to do the talking. I went with him, but he was the one doing the questions.”

“But you got information?”

“Yes- Ow!“

You squealed and hugged him, just like you did that morning.

“Hey, calm down, it’s nothing much, really...”

“It doesn’t matter. You got something, I’m so proud of you!”

“Don’t exaggerate.” He rolled his eyes, but smiled.

“I got something too, actually.”

“Let’s go inside.”

Max guided you to his living room, inside his house.

“You go first.” He said and you obeyed, since your information wasn’t much relevant.

“So first of all, I got into Luke’s room.”

“What?! Without asking?!”

“Obviously.” You said sarcastically and rolled your eyes. “Obviously not. I had lunch with Mrs. Patterson at her house today. We were just talking and I asked her if I could go check it out and she said yes... But I didn’t get much. Just this picture... I was wondering if you recognize them.”

He took the polaroid. “Yes! They are the guys. This is Reggie, Alex and Bobby.”

After all these days, you could finally give those names some faces.

“Great! Besides that, there weren’t any other clues. So what about you? What did you find out?”

You decided to not tell him about the guitar pick. It was something you would save for yourself.

“They practice at Bobby’s garage.”

“Do you know where he lives?”

“Well... no. Look, we were trying to be subtle since Bobby, Alex and Reggie went to school today. I honestly think they might know where Luke is. But they wouldn’t say anything. Today at school they were called by the principal. We supposed it was to ask them about Luke... My point is, we tried not to ask too personal questions in case they found out what we were doing.”

You wanted to protest but of course, Max had a point. If they were covering Luke, they were going to do anything to keep his location a secret.

“But I thought you guys weren’t classmates. You and the other guys.”

“We aren’t. Ian is. I mean, Ian has french with them.”

You nodded slowly.

“Oh, we also found out Amy’s mom is friends with Alex’s mom? From some pilates class... maybe it was yoga. I don’t know.”

“Amy? Amy our neighbor? That Amy?”

Max chuckled. “Yeah. Amy Campbell. Ian was actually the one who provided me that information. He and Amy’s older brother go to karate together.”

“Tomorrow is Amy’s birthday party! Do you think... Alex might go?”

“I doubt it. As far as Ian told me, Amy and Brandon never actually got to meet Alex... You’re going to Amy’s party?”

“Yeah. I already told her I would. You?”

“I told her I wouldn’t.”

“Max!”

“What? I don’t wanna go. At parties I usually just sit all night, eat and sing if I know the songs.”

“Come on, let’s gooo.” You insisted. “This isn’t a normal party, it’s a pool party!”

“Why do you want me to go? You’ll probably just leave me on my own anyways to talk to the rest.”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t play the victim. I’ll drag you with me everywhere okay? Come on, what if Alex shows up after all? We don’t know, this could be good! Even if nothing happens, then it could be fun to distract ourselves for a bit. Please.”

He sighed and stared at you for a second before groaning. “Fine, fine. I’ll go.”

“Yay! I promise it’ll be worth it.”

You then said goodbye and went to your house.

After saying hi to your family, you rapidly went up to your room to get ready for your dance class.

“How was everything today, honey?”

Your mom asked you, later at dinner.

“I called Mrs. Patterson a while ago and she was so happy you went. She told me you two had fun together.”

You smiled. “We did. I’m planning on visiting her more often.”

“That’s a great idea.” She smiled back.

“Do you girls have any plans this weekend?” Your dad asked.

“I actually... Wanted to ask you something.” Tamra asked, and she seemed nervous. Which was rare to see.

“Sure baby, what is it?” Your mom said.

“What do you guys think if I bring Tyler for dinner, on Sunday?”

You heard how your dad dropped his fork and knife on his plate, while your mom clapped and you looked at your sister, surprised.

“Really? Is it that official?” You asked.

“Shut up.”

Tamra never actually brought any of her boyfriends to the house, for some reason. You were the only one that met them since they usually were guys from school. One time, she even dated a guy from your dance studio, who was her age.

This time, though, you never met him. You only knew he existed because she announced it to all of you at dinner once.

“Oh, Tamra! We’re so glad to finally meet him! I am so excited! What should I cook?”

“This counts as a special occasion, so we need dessert. Does he like cheesecake?” You said, excited too.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Dad!”

“David!”

You, Tamra and your mom complained at the same time.

“I’m just saying, honey, aren’t you too young for boyfriends?”

You rolled your eyes. “Dad, she’s eighteen. Leave her alone.”

“Well, she’s still my daughter. I think I have a say on this.”

“We’re discussing this later.” Your mom stopped. She faced you. “What about you, Y/N, do you have any other plans?”

“Actually, yes. Tomorrow is Amy’s birthday party. It’s a pool party. I was wondering if I could go?”

“I don’t see why not.” She looked at your father and he nodded approvingly too.

You clapped. “Perfect! Thank you.”

Later in your room, you took the polaroid and the guitar pick and checked them carefully. You saved them in your night stand before leaving to dance.

Luke was smiling in that picture, just like in any other you had the opportunity to see at his house.

You sighed. You really hoped he was okay.

The idea of Bobby, Alex and Reggie knowing where he is, really made you hopeful.

“Hey” Someone said, entering your room.

You knew it was Tamra way before you looked up to see her. She never knocks, so it was easy to tell when it was her coming to your room.

“Hey” You smiled at her. “Do you need anything?”

“No, I just... I came to tell you what happened.”

After you came up to your room, you knew Tamra stayed longer because your dad wanted to talk to her.

She sat on your bed, next to you.

“What did dad tell you?” You asked.

“Oh, you know. He started with this big speech about growing up, and that I should be careful, and stuff like that. But then he started started being emotional and said that he was afraid of me leaving the house or change my plans for college and other stuff.”

You frowned and then giggled. “He’s so dramatic.”

“I know. I won’t throw away everything I’ve planned for years just for a boy I’ve been dating for two months.”

“Not any boy, I can see.”

She rolled her eyes but blushed. “Anyways, dad also said he was happy for me and that I would always be his baby.” She said like bragging, with a shrug.

It was your turn to roll your eyes. “Childish. Now, tell me, where is this Tyler from, anyways?”

“I met him at The Drop.”

It was a caffe near your dance studio. It had a mini library with books you could read while enjoying any kind of drink or food. You two would go there after class sometimes, or when your classes aren’t too long, she would wait for you there.

“It was a few weeks before we moved. You actually know him. He’s the barista.”

“Wait, that Tyler?! Are you serious?!”

You knew something was going on. He would always give dreamy looks to your sister and would talk different to her. You told her so, every time you noticed but she would just wave it off saying you were just imagining things.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” You said, a little hurt.

“I don’t know. Things were different with him. I was... scared. Of you not liking him, or something.” She admitted. And you knew that was a big deal. Just by the fact that she was showing her vulnerability, (which she barely ever showed to anyone), you knew she felt something strong for this guy.

“Really?” You asked, a little confused and flattered.

“Yeah. I’m actually terrified now. For the dinner. I really want you all to like him.”

“I’m sure we will.” You assured her. “Tamra I’m really, really happy for you.”

She smiled and hugged you. Tamra was almost never affectionate either, but when she was, you really appreciate it.

She stayed a little longer with you and you two chatted for a while until she went to bed and left you alone with the polaroid and the guitar pick again.

You really hoped you could get to something this weekend.

•

Taglist: @ifilwtmfc @sovereignparker @catbcyluke @marvelgirl300 @charlieschickens @kegkingbillyhargrove @differentsoulrascalsalad @imamysticalwitch @viamiasoncrack @sunnyrye

*The ones crossed out are the ones that I wasn’t able to tag! (Sorry!)

#luke patterson x reader #luke patterson #julie and the phantoms #julie and the phantoms x reader #jatp

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let-it-raines · 4 years

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Catch Me If You Can (27/40)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series.

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

a/n: I’m the slightest bit overwhelmed by how kind a lot of you are and how many people have become invested in this story. It’s the coolest thing seeing the happiness it brings some of you, even if I am stressing you out right now. Whenever I get a message about how a story has made someone’s bad day better, I get a little smile on my face. You are all awesome ☺️

Thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke for being my beta! Don’t fret. She yelled at me a lot about this part of the story too, so it’s not just you guys and it does get better.

AO3: Beginning | Current

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Tag list: @stunningswan @eala-captian @galaxyzxstark @xellewoods @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury @superchocovian @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog@cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings

-/-

Emma has never once complained about having off from work before.

Not once.

She has four days off right now. It’s four days of no baseball and no responsibility, and she has been looking forward to it for months ever since she first saw the time off on the calendar and marked it in a huge red circle. There’s nothing quite like having the ability to sleep in, not brush your hair, and lounge around in pajamas all day as you watch professional athletes hit tennis balls back and forth at each other at one hundred miles per hour as they play the US Open.

But there’s a bit of a sting to it all when two tickets to the semi-finals tomorrow are saved in her phone, and she hasn’t spoken to the person who bought them for her in three days.

(They’re in the nosebleed section so no one would notice them, and Emma remembers laughing out loud when Killian showed her the seats because she has no idea how they would even see the ball.)

Okay, there’s more than a bit of a sting.

It fucking hurts.

There’s always been a reason why she didn’t make plans so far ahead of time, not ones that require monetary and emotional commitments from her, but she’s been breaking all of her rules over the past five and half months. All of them. She’s made plans to go to Portland, to go to a wedding, to go to this idiotic set of matches that she would actually really love to go to.

All of them with Killian.

Emma should have known better. She honestly should have. Every time she ever made plans with Neal or Walsh or any other man that she was dating, they always fell through. They never held up. Either the relationship would endend, or the guy would fade away at the last minute. It didn’t matter. Every time she got her hopes up, they fell back to the ground and were crushed under the weight of her own disappointment.

Neal was the definition of flaky. He was always making these big plans with big dreams and promising her so damn much before ripping the rug out from under her so quickly that she barely even had time to brace herself before she fell flat on her ass. And the really shitty thing is that she didn’t even realize how awful it was that he was doing that to her because that’s what people had been doing her entire life – foster parents, social workers, childhood friends, her birth parents. That little seed of hope would be planted, roots would start to grow, and then it’d all be torn out of the ground. She was in a relationship like that for years and then fell into the same exact trap two years later.

Why would Killian be any different?

(Of course he is different.)

A laugh escapes her lips at that, one she didn’t give permission to, and all it does is make Emma curl into her bed a little bit more, wrapping her arms around her pillow and yanking the blankets further up her body so that the outside world can’t get to her. It’s just Emma, her laptop, and a bag of salt and vinegar chips that are most likely going to break her tongue out.

As it should be.

This is not how her day was supposed to go.

Not at all.

Killian was supposed to come over after his morning training, and he was going to spend time with her and probably Ruby, debating television shows and movies and eating whatever takeout he decided to bring on his way here. But Killian isn’t here. She doesn’t even know where he is. Probably not training considering he’s out for the rest of the regular season.

It’s what he told her, but it’s also what she’s read in about fifteen different articles online.

And what she had to post on her Twitter account as part of her job. Life is funny that way. You think you can avoid your boyfriend and all information about him, but she can’t. It’s part of her freaking job.

She couldn’t have kept herself from reading the articles online if she’d tried.

(She didn’t.)

There’s a knock on her door, a sound that Emma has been ignoring for most of the past few days, but she didn’t turn the lock when she went to get her chips two hours ago, so Ruby easily opens the door and walks into her bedroom. She’s got her hair pulled back into a ponytail and is wearing leggings and a sports bra like she just went to the Pilates class that Emma skipped out on.

She shouldn’t have done that.

Fueling her emotions into that would probably have been a much healthier way to cope. No, it definitely would have been. Exercise is better than stuffing her mouth with junk food even if junk food feels so much better at first.

Shit. She’s pathetic. But honestly, she doesn’t even care.

“Hey,” Ruby says quietly as she shuts the door behind her. “How are you feeling?”

Emma doesn’t respond, just curls herself further into her pillow like the pathetic person she is as a tennis ball is thwacked across the court and bounces up into the bottom level of the stands. But Ruby, never one to be deterred by anything, walks across the room and settles down on the bed behind Emma, wrapping her arms around her stomach and pulling her closer while Ruby’s chin rests on her shoulder.

It’s the most considerate touch she’s felt in days, and it’s the only time that someone hasn’t shown her pity or tried to tell her that everything was going to be okay. After she left the hospital, leaving Killian behind with her mind reeling and falling down a hole with no escape, Emma immediately went to her apartment and changed into running clothes before running until her legs wouldn’t work anymore. It was fifteen miles, something she’s done before, something that’s not even her personal best, and she thought that she could keep going.

She had to keep going.

But the adrenaline died out on her, all of her anger and rage and, frankly, sadness dissipated into barely being able to breathe, and she’d swiped her metro card and walked through the gates to get on the train that would take her to David’s house because she needed him like she hadn’t needed him in years. David is always the reasonable one, is always the one who makes her see things that she can’t see, but he wasn’t there. It was only Leo and Mary Margaret, and as much as Emma loves Mary Margaret, she couldn’t understand why Emma was so hurt by Killian lying to her.

It’s not what the lie was, though that is a pretty big deal. It’s the fact that the lie happened.

Over and over again.

She gave him her heart in all of the shattered and glued back together pieces, and as careful as he is with it, he still managed to add a crack or two.

How could she have ever expected otherwise?

Why did she?

Why does she still want him to be the one to help her keep holding it together?

David had eventually come home and seen her talking to Mary Margaret, and somehow, he just knew that she needed him to hold her for a little while. He did, cupping the back of her head with his hand and not placating her by telling her that everything was okay or that she shouldn’t be angry or anything else that she wasn’t quite ready to hear yet.

There were a lot of things she wasn’t ready to hear that day.

“Do you want to go for a walk with me sometime today?” Ruby asks, and Emma breathes out on a sigh, her stomach swirling in a messy cloud of anxiousness over the fact that Ruby has finally decided that Emma has to talk. She’s been waiting for it. She’s also been expecting a much more abrasive conversation. “I know that your legs probably still feel like shit from that crazed run you went on, but I feel like a walk would be good. Fresh air, exercise, maybe I will even stop and buy two dozen donuts. You know, really splurge and keep them to ourselves and not let Graham have any.”

Emma chuckles, and this time she’s kind of glad for it. It’s not a big belly laugh, but it’s something.

Baby steps are better than nothing.

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a walk?

“Nope. It’s good to get our legs moving, work some of this laziness out of you. Plus, I fully plan on making us walk the full perimeter of Central Park, so we’ll have earned those donuts. If we haven’t died first because that’s a huge ass park.”

“You do realize that Bryant park is closer?”

“And that’s exactly why we’re not going there.” Ruby squeezes her again, pretty much hugging her, and it may actually make Emma’s heart swell. “C’mon, Ems. Indulge me for an afternoon, okay? It’s not like you to lay in bed like this. I don’t like it.”

It’s not. She’s already thought that. This isn’t her. She’s not the type of girl who lays around in bed because she’s upset that she and her boyfriend got into a fight, if that’s even what this can be called. There wasn’t exactly any fighting, even if her mind has managed to create the illusion that there was. Honestly, she barely let him get any words in besides his explanation of what happened. And she’s not the type of girl who cries and eats ice cream and wonders how life will ever go on.

There’s nothing wrong with doing that, but it’s not her.

And she hasn’t cried. That’s beside the point, though.

“It’s really comfortable in here, okay?”

“You’re moping.”

“Then let me mope.”

Ruby sighs and hugs her a little closer.

“Emma, I know that I might not seem like the most emotionally mature person at times, but I’ve been in a steady relationship for a long time. I know that things like this happen, and I know that after lying in bed for nearly three days now, you need to get your ass up. You’re not going to find any solutions at the bottom of that chip bag.”

“I hate Graham for helping you be so emotionally stable. You used to hate love.”

“It’s all the good fucking. I’m telling you. Knocked some sense right into me.”

Emma barks out a laugh and completely rolls over on her stomach, letting Ruby’s arms release her as she snorts into the pillow. “You are the worst,” she mumbles, her voice muffled by the material.

“I am the best.” There’s a slap against her ass that has Emma jumping and rolling over again so that she nearly knocks over her laptop. “Now, go brush your teeth, put on some deodorant, and change clothes so we can take over the city with our powerwalk like the rich old ladies we’ve always aspired to be.”

“If you insist.”

“I do.”

It’s an actual blazing inferno outside, the heat curling up from the concrete to practically burn through Emma’s sneakers, and it makes her really not want to be out on this walk. But she knows that the faster she walks, the faster she can go back home and retreat back to her room. All she really wants is to go back to her room.

And get under the shades of the trees in the park. September needs to end and allow October to roll in so that she won’t sweat every time she steps outside. This is ridiculous.

It’s probably all of the salt and vinegar leaving her pores. What a thought to have.

If only eating strawberries or kale or something was a good emotional comfort food.

It’s a little over a mile to the park, and as awful as the entrance is all full of tourists and street vendors and people trying to sell her a guide to the city like she doesn’t know it’s on a grid system, Emma is thankful just to have the slight breeze and be away from the masses of people. She won’t admit it, not out loud, but Ruby was right to get her to get up and get moving. When she’s lounging around, her mind wanders to things that it shouldn’t wander to, and at least now she’s able to put all of her focus on putting one foot in front of the other and watching all of the people around her.

Why pay for Broadway tickets when you can watch people in Central Park?

The air-conditioning. Yep. The air-conditioning.

They walk for an hour, just a casual stroll that Emma keeps thinking should be a run, but the heat of the day becomes too much for her, her heartbeat going wild, and as soon as she sees an unoccupied bench in the shade, she makes a run for it, leaving Ruby to catch up from behind. It’s a bit ridiculous, but this is a golden opportunity to allow herself to sit down and breathe without anyone bothering her since most people in the area are concentrated around the boathouse and not the little beaten path to the side of it.

“I hate summer,” Ruby groans when she reaches the bench. “It’s the worst. I don’t care that it’s when all of the good sports happen. It’s too damn hot.”

Emma bends down to rest her elbows on her knees and cradle her head in her palms. “It was your idea to come out here.”

“Yeah, well, you were depressing me.”

She doesn’t say anything back, taking a moment to breathe and stare down at the laces on her shoes. One of them is about to come untied, but she can’t bother to fix it. There’s no point if she plans on never moving from this spot. The sweat that’s trickling down her back is going to keep her glued here anyways.

How the hell did she run fifteen miles the other day? What kind of rage-fueled adrenaline was that?

“Killian lied to me about his shoulder.”

The words come out without her permission. She doesn’t even remember thinking them. Her mind was blank and then all of the sudden they were there, escaping from her tongue and her lips and becoming part of the air that’s surrounding she and Ruby.

Emma is still staring at the ground. Her hand has also unconsciously found the chain around her neck, the one with Killian’s mom ring that he gave her as a good luck charm. She hasn’t been able to take it off. She wanted to, wanted to take away that reminder of him, but she couldn’t do it.

Killian wanted her to have one of his most prized possessions, and as mad as she is at him right now, she can’t take it off. It means too much to her to have been given something like this.

“He lied to me,” she continues, taking a deep breath, though she’s not sure if it’s from the exercise or the emotions running a race in her mind and wearing down her nerves. “And I get it. He was scared. He – ”

“He didn’t want you to think less of him for being broken.”

“How do you know that?”

“Mary Margaret told me. You know she can’t keep a secret.”

Emma chuckles, but it’s a weak one, before lifting her head back up so that all of her blood can return to its rightful place. She was starting to get worried it wouldn’t. All she can really focus on is how cool the metal of the ring is against her stomach.

“Unlike you have apparently become, I am not the best with my emotions,” Emma continues. All of the words she’s been holding up are bubbling up to the surface and ready to spill over and run rampant. “I’m pretty shitty with them, but Killian made me feel comfortable, you know? When we’re together, I do pretty okay sharing all of the broken parts of me. He knows a lot of stuff that not even you know, and I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we trusted each other enough to share the brokenness. And trust me, we have a lot of it. We’ve had…we’ve had pretty shitty lives at some points, and I am so mad at him for repeatedly not telling me that he was hurt and for not being smart enough to stop playing and get some help. It’s not that big of an injury, but it could have been. He loves that stupid game, and he’s going to lose it if he keeps doing things like this.”

Ruby reaches down and grabs Emma’s hand and wraps her fingers around her palm and squeezes so that Emma has to look up at the sky to stop the tears from finally falling. This is dumb. This is all so dumb, and every bit of it could have been avoided.

“I think though,” Emma continues, still blinking away the tears, “past the lying and this gut-wrenching fear that he’s going to lie to me about other things too, I’m mostly hurt that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me. I love him so much, Rubes. He probably has no idea how much I love him because I barely know how to express it, and, but I don’t know how to fully trust him if this is going to be a pattern.”

Ruby’s sighs, and Emma swears that she feels it in her own bones. Her heartrate has calmed down, something next to normal, and she no longer feels like she’s going to throw up. She was kind of feeling like that for a little while, and the guy sitting in the grass fifteen feet away from them reading a book in peace probably wouldn’t appreciate that.

“You’ve got to talk to him.”

“I don’t – ”

“You don’t want to right now,” Ruby finishes for her, and Emma twists her head to the side to look over at the lake instead of at Ruby. “I know. I got that. You have every right to be pissed off at him. You have every right to kick and scream and feel anger so deep in your belly that it aches when you breathe. It doesn’t matter what he lied to you about. If it hurt you, it hurt you. Case closed.”

“I know but – ”

“Nope, nope, you’re going to let me finish. I am on a roll, and you’re going to crush my momentum.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Ruby squeezes her hand again before letting go. “Killian should not have lied to you. That’s just…I know we all tell little white lies, but this is obviously different. He shouldn’t have lied to you or to anyone. He should have trusted the people who he loves with the things he’s struggling with, but I don’t think this was about him not trusting you. He didn’t tell his family about any of it either.”

“They knew about the accident.”

“To be fair, Liam was there, and I think there’s no way Elsa couldn’t find out.”

“Semantics.”

“Very important ones,” Ruby points out. “I don’t – I’m not trying to tell you how to feel. I’m just saying that Killian didn’t do this out of malicious intent. He’s not Walsh, and he’s certainly not Neal. He is not spending his time trying to bring you down because he can’t handle being with a successful woman. I honestly think he’s scared of losing you and of losing the game, and that can make people do things that they wouldn’t usually do. You may not realize it, but I think you have become just as important to Killian as baseball is – if not more so. I know all about that ring you keep messing with and how big of a deal it is. Honey, he wouldn’t have given that to you if he didn’t love you. I’m not saying that fixes everything because it doesn’t. You have to talk to him and let yourself trust him if you think he’s worth trusting.”

Ruby echoes the words Killian said to her in Elsa’s office, the words that she repeated to Mary Margaret when she was trying to explain what was going on. They’re right. They’re all right, and she hates it. She doesn’t even know why. She should be thrilled that everyone seems to think that Killian didn’t set out to hurt her.

She thinks that too.

But Ruby is right in the fact that he did hurt her and right in the fact that she should be allowed to feel how she feels. How could she not with everything that’s happened to her in her life?

But she’s not thrilled.

And it’s dumb. Really, really dumb. Because she should want to get up from this bench and run to Killian’s apartment. It’s not far, maybe another mile walk, but she has absolutely emotionally exhausted herself to the point that talking about this more would be too much for her.

Talking everything out is still new to her, and when the stakes are this high, that pestering feeling that it’s all going to go wrong is continually building. Because what if Killian realizes that she’s more broken than he thinks too she is, and it’s all too much to deal with? Their relationship seems so simple on the surface and yet underneath it all…

Oh fuck.

Emma loves Killian so damn much, more than anything as he would say, but being together has never been simple. It’s always been a series of guesses and choices and an underlying hope that things would work out. She allowed herself to have that hope from the beginning, when she barely knew anything about him and when he’d fucked up with her already, and she should allow herself to have that same faith now that she genuinely knows so much of what makes up the ever-evolving person who is Killian Jones.

Tomorrow. She’ll talk to him tomorrow. Her stomach is still in too many knots for her to even think about seeing his face today and seeing the smile that always makes everything inside of her feel like it is floating on cloud nine.

Tomorrow. It has to be tomorrow because then she’s got to leave for Boston and Detroit, and she’s not waiting a week.

And she almost desperately needs to know how he’s doing. He’s got to be hurting, and she knows that she added to that.

“Can we go get those donuts now, Rubes?”

“Absolutely.”

The walk home seems swifter than the walk there, and it’s likely because Emma isn’t weighed down by the heaviness of a lot of things that are on her heart. Or maybe it’s because she does have donuts to look forward to. Today is going to be her last day of self-indulgence where she allows herself to mope and eat like all of the junk food in the world is going to disappear tomorrow. Because tomorrow she’s going to start eating actually balanced meals with things like vitamins and nutrients – most of the time – and she’ll hopefully stop feeling so sorry for herself.

That’s a bit of a gamble.

Ruby still makes a point of distracting her for the afternoon, obviously sensing that Emma is two seconds away from running away to her room and never emerging again, and while she contemplates that a few times throughout the day, especially when Graham comes home and kisses Ruby hello, she doesn’t.

In fact, she’s the last one awake and the only one to stay out in the living room. The only light that’s on comes from the TV, a tennis match still going on late in the night, and maybe it’s the lack of sleep she’s gotten or maybe it’s that feeling that happens when you’re alone at night and your mind starts playing tricks on you, but something gives her the courage to pull out her phone and text the person she’s been thinking about all day.

Emma: How’s your arm?

The bubble pops up immediately.

Killian: It hurts, mostly in the mornings, but not too bad. Lots of Ibuprofen and ice.

Emma: That’s good.

Emma: Not that it hurts. That it’s not too bad.

Killian: Yeah, I’m glad it’s not as bad as it has been.

Her heart may actually break a bit more at the thought of him being hurt all of this time. She’s been so mad at him, so frustrated with him for not sharing it with her, and she’s barely had any time to think about all of the pain that he’s been going through. Shitty move on her part.

It’s one thing to get injured and still be able to go about your daily life. It’s another when your livelihood depends on your body.

Killian: You should still use the tickets tomorrow. Take Ruby or David. I can get you an upgrade to sit closer since I’m not going with you now.

I don’t want to use them with anyone but you, she types, a little pathetically.

She doesn’t actually send that message. She can’t muster up the courage no matter how much truth is in the statement. Wine or whiskey or, hell, tequila are really tempting at this point to make herself feel a little less – upset, conflicted, hopeful even. But drowning sorrows in alcohol is no way to solve a problem, even if she’s done it before. It’ll only make her feel worse.

Emma: Can we talk tomorrow?

That text is riskier, means more, and is far scarier, and yet it’s the one she sends.

Killian: I’d like that.

Emma: Me too.

#catch me if you can #cs fic #cs ff #captain swan fic #captain swan

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ramrodd · 4 years

Video

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Everybody Says Mark Was the First Gospel, But Was It? (With Dr. David Alan Black

COMMENTARY:

Well, for reasons that you will have to come to grok in fullness, Dr. Black has all the pieces, but he's jammed them into his premise because he is old enough to have been elgible for the draft his first year of college in 1971, the year I got back from Vietnam, The consequene is he has a blind spot about all things military because he was scared shitless of going to Vietnam.

And he's pretty typcial of Pro-Life Evangelical Spiritual Warriors. It's like Donald John Trump* calling himself a "War President"; or smarter about pandemics than the White House pandemic reponse team he disbanded in 2018 for the same reason the Republicans in Florida sabotaged the mechanisms for receiving unemployment: dumb ass Joe McCarthy Conservative politics.

I went to Vietnam because I was a Christian Soldier and my commission was the Liberation Gospel of the Gospel According to Mark. I went. locked and loaded, to Vietnam and I earned my spurs. I have a Combat Infantryman's Badge and a couple or three scaples. I went to Vietnam to kill a Kong for Christas and I stand here and declare "Mission Accomplished".

Then I came back to the World and have spent the last 49 years dealing with white, male Spiritual Warriors like you and Dr. Clark and Donald John Trump*. Which is why the suicide rate among combat veterans is 22 vets a day. You know how you like to poo-poo numerology and numerics in the Bible? Well, could make the case that the Holy Spirit has somehow suppressed the suicide rate in veterns like me to JUST 22 a day just so I can point it out to you at this very instant for the very first time anywhere on the internet of Christendom.

Those who have eyes, see.

The axis between Q and the Letter to the Hebrews is a case study in a generic intellince assessment process being employed in Langley, today. It's the way the etimoloigists that Donald John Trump* fired from the White House in 2018 would have gone about making a risk assesssment for the Coronavirius long before China would have permitted the word of the pandemic from getting out. You can see why the godless commie cocksuckers in Beijing would have wanted to keep the pandemic secret from the world given that America just pulled an aircraft carrier off the line to protect the crew: during the battle of Stalingrad, a little pandemic would have just added a subject to sing about to the festivities.

The Gospel According to Mark is not the first intelligence report to be sent to Rome about the resurrection of Jesus. Here's where Dr. Black and I are joined at the hip: my intent is to establish the historicity of the Gospel of Mark in such a way that any rational, intellectually honest and morally anchore human being can drop kick asshole anti-theists like Richard Carrier and Richard Dawkins in their ideologically puffed up balls and through the goal posts of their own asshole pretzel logic.

Dr. Black has all the same peices I do, but, because he was scared shitless of going to Vietnam and then the military gunned down the 4 students at Kent State scared all the white anti-war draft dodgers shitless after the celebration of the end of was at Woodstock which turned into rage, hie has a blind spot about the Romans because,. One, they've always been the bad guys lurking behind the scene and, two, the Romans in the first century until the Milvian Bridge in the 4rh century went to a great deal of trouble keep their existence in the Praetorian Guard and the Legions a secret, or hiding it in plain sight with the Cult of Murtha and the associated Caesar Worship, with it's baptism in blood.

The Roman military had absolutely no expectation of anything like the Resurrection. None. I mean, there were all sorts of stories floating around in their mythos about “the gods” in pretty much the same way the stories about Batman and Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, but a story about a god who is born of woman, creates the structures of an army composed of Gideons poise to crush the Romans in Galilee, like they did the 12th Legion of Cestius Gallus in 68, but has the more important mission of being truly crucified, USDA Caesar Tiberius Guaranteed, stuck a fork into Him to make sure he was dead, and buried behind a stone requiring 17 men, a centurion and a corporal's guard of 2 squads of 16 men to roll into place.

And up from the grave He arose! This just wasn't in the Roman field manuals, anywhere, so they began to study it.

It so happens, they had already collected a great deal of data about Jesus as a routine surveillance detail when He popped up over the Roman military horizon as a potential insurgent aligned with John the Baptist. Sometime around 27, before John is arrested and they continued this surveillance with decreasing interest until He is remanded to Pilate by a Jewish lynch mob composed of all the A-List citizens of Jerusalem demanding his execution. All that spy product is the initial material contained in Q and Cornelius, the centurion in Acts 10, is Pilate's administrative chief of staff and the curator for Q from it's implementation as a subject of force protection by the Roman intelligence services in Palestine.

Go back the 19 minute time stamp when Dr. Black is describing the stenographic nature of the prose style of the Gospel: the presence of the historic present is the transcribed report of a spy from the field, the raw intelligence of intelligence spy craft arranged along a meticulous and rigorous timeline exactly like the log of a ship or the book of a police desk sergeant. This is scientifically based observation for evaluation somewhere up the chain of command to squeeze out the military/political implications of all things under their purview. As Luke observes in Acts 24:22, Felix knew all about The Way long before Paul washed up from Jerusalem at his feet.

And it began with Cornelius and Q. Theophilus is the spy master in the Praetorian Guard both Pilate and Cornelius report to regarding military intelligence. Theophilus has the same organizational role in the Praetorian Guard that George Smiley has in MI6: he's not M, but he M is his first report, and M speaks to the Emperor. In particular, Tiberius. Until 31, Sejanus is M in the Praetorian Guard, so it's not clear if Sejanus would have choked off the initial intelligence report that compelled Tiberius to propose to the Senate that Jesus be elevated to the status of a legal deity or not, but the timing is such that, if Jesus had died on the Passover in 31, the news of His Resurrection could have moved, unfettered, to Tiberius as early as that year.

For numerological reasons, I like 33 better but only by a hair over 31 CE as the year it all got started.

But the important thing is, Tiberius made his Jesus proposal after, or during, the purge of Sejanus and, as a consequence, the Senate was forever after hostile to all things Tiberius, especially Christians, which is why they went underground. If you notice, the only connection Cornelius makes with Jesus is by naming Jairus, who was president of the Capernaum synagogue. Cornelius knew Jesus, personally, and was justified by faith in Matthew 8:10. And Cornelius was in the room with Pilate during the interrogation of Jesus.

Why didn't Cornelius intercede, then, you may ask. It has to do with Romans 13:1 – 7 and the spirit that fulfills the letter of the law. It has to do with the dramatic tension of “A Man for All Seasons”. It has to do with why Mitt Romney voted to convict and Socrates took the cup and Jesus died on the cross. It's why I went to Vietnam and why I left the army. The rule of law, duty and the sworn oath. That's the basis of the absolution of Luke 23:34.

The letter to the Hebrews is an intelligence finding, to return to the theme of a case study in generic intelligence risk assessment. Q stayed in Caesarea and was possibly destroyed during the Jewish Wars, but Theophilus assembled a mirror, and complimentary, portfolio in Rome to study just what it all meant. Paul's role was to defend the ethic of Jesus in Rome to Theophilus and his committee/church, which he, Paul, does successfully. Unlike Athens, where he was preaching to philosophers. Paul is preaching to students of philosophy in the Roman equestrian class: their whole success was as early adopters and they already believed in Romans 13: 1 – 7, but the missing link was Melchizedek and the offering of bread and wine and that closes the loop of Moses with Socrates, Plato and Aristotle.

Everything in the Gospels begins moving to Rome when Jesus is remanded to Pilate. Dr. Black is almost right about the relationship between Mark and the Gospel of John. John Mark is the publisher, editor, character and probable translator of the original Latin of the autograph to the coine Greek of the final version and John Mark is also the author of the Gospel of John. John Mark is the “beloved disciple” of the Gospel of John is probably 14 years old when he is witness to the Roman coup-de-grace on the cross. He is something of a mascot, a Junior Disciple, who first meets Jesus at the wedding in Cana something after Jesus is baptized, and travels around with Jesus and his crew from about that time until after the feeding of the 5000, which occurs just before the Passover the year before Easter and sometime just after John the Baptist is beheaded in 29. John Mark's chronology is not entirely reliable, but the narratives of Mark and John converge in both Gospels in Chapter 6 and diverge until they converge in Chapter 11. The Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem happens in the morning of Palm Sunday and Lazarus is raised from the dead in the late afternoon in Bethany. John Mark was in Bethany for both the Triumphal Entry and the Scourging of the Temple.

The Gospel of John is a complimentary reader to Mark and originates from the perspective of someone for whom Passover was like Christmas while the Synoptic Gospels treat Passover as an annual issue of crowd control. The anointing of Jesus is a coronation in Mark but a particularly erotic celebration in John of the Bridegroom that is an allusion to Ruth at the feet of Boaz, her redeemer. This is the best case to be made that Jesus had a wife, but He died a virgin.

Matthew is undoubtedly written by Matthew Levi and is the outlier to the other Gospels in that, as Dr. Black observes, is a polemic for the Judaizers who opposed Paul's missionary to the Gentiles. Luke is making an obvious reference to Matthew's Gospel in the preamble to Luke where the transliteration is that he. Luke, is correcting what Matthew fucked up.

Luke probably started Acts as an amicus brief for Paul's defense of Romans, but Theophilus commissioned him to expand his study after he, Luke, is introduced to Cornelius and given access to Q. It is obvious that both Mark and Matthew are available to Luke when he follows Paul to Caesarea and, based on an observation in David Sloan's “What if the Gospel according to Hebrews is Q”, Luke had Mark to begin with (he notices that Luke 3:1 introduces John the Baptist like the beginning of Mark after introducing him as the son of Zechariah and Elizabeth in Luke 1).

That's not all, but here's a little more numerology for you to consider: the 13 Epistles of Paul being with the longest and narrows to the shortest like an arrow pointing at Hebrews, which has 13 chapters, which were added in the 16th century, as you have pointed out in another video.

Dr. Black has all the pieces and, if you add Richard Bauchman's eyewitness in the Gospels to the mix, and rearrange the pieces around his fear of going to Vietnam, it all leads to the nature of the canon and removes most of the mystery to fully reveal the historicity of the Mystery of the Resurrection in the eyes of the Romans back in the day.

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traviswsoul · 7 years

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Day 4 Long Beach to Leo Carillo 57 Miles

@mexicanus2017 @malayerba.design

waking up at brooks this morning was delightful. I finally gave up on going back to sleep and did 40 minutes of yoga. It was the right decision for sure. Today would have been much worse without it. So far so good across the board. I left Long Beach around ten, rode west until the dead end into the Los Angeles river, that you have to ride a few miles north before you can cross on 223th st which takes you through Carson and into Torrance. It was long but went quick, I was in no mood to linger. I was determined to get to camp with plenty of time to set up and enjoy it, which was accomplished successfully, more about that later. Blasted through all the south bay beach towns, It’s the 13 mile stretch that I first started biking on. in the spring of 2015, when I was brand new to LA, I started going to this amazing exercise studio that was the Laguere method of pilates, Pilates on crack, well the first time i did it i thought i was going to die, for sure. However, It was awesome and inspired the wave of extreme fitness I’m still riding today doing this trip. Studio MDR as it was called was 13 miles away from my house in the south bay so soon after I could survive the class the goal was to cycle there and back, and I did and the achievement felt was exhilerating. Certainly that has a lot to do with why I’m on the road right now. That stretch is on along the beach, like sand up against the bike path on the beach, lovely ride, then you have to turn inland to ride around the Marina, at Marina Del Ray (hence Studio MDR). Immediately there after you are in Venice. Oh Venice, California, you’re such a lovable dirt bag. I had rode down the board walk by muscle beach, then cut over to see the skate park, ate two slices and got back on the route. I always right on the streets between MDR and Santa Monica, The bath is just too full of meandering tourists. Which reminds me, I barely collided with a guy today. He was an idiot, a young kid swerving all across the path, when I said “ on your right” he paused then slowly drifted over toward me, right along side. I leaned into him and peddled hard and away. I just remember thinking about how weird it was to have had the feeling of contact with a person. Touch is not something I have experiened much these few days, and it’s certainly a strange thing to have while riding. While I wasn’t dealing with a crash it did still have a very intruded on feeling. weird thing, anyway, he was an idiot, not drunk, not disabled, just really oblivious, doesn’t belong on the bike path. Where was I? Oh yeah, Santa Monica, I didn’t go see the slack line park which surprised me but I was really driven to make good time today. I made ok time. A left turn right before the Santa Monica Pier is a downward ramp that shoots you out on PCH. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be through Malibu, there were only a few scary moments but nothing big. It was definitely right to be sure and hit it before traffic. I thought of my friends BK and JA whom I have spent most of my time in Malibu with. Right in the heart of it you have the first hill at Pepperdine University with it perfect and expansive bright green lawn. You go up and down several times each down brings a beautiful view of cove with peeling waves and sandy beaches, i thought “it was the west coast view you’d expect on this trip.” Luckily I recognized the market across from where you turn off to go to JA’s beach house and had a hunch it was the last place to grab supplies so I did. Two full roasted chicken legs, a roll, a green juice and a beer. I should eat some more, but I haven’t even gotten to the best part. After the last five of the 57 miles today I pulled into Leo Carillo State Park. I pulled up and this cute blonde park ranger was smiling and greeting me with “hike and bike?" Music to my ears because there was also a campsite full sign in plain view. "That’ll be ten dollars” she continued, getting sweeter with each thing she said, I was expecting to pay 45! I totally forgot the direction to the hike and bike site which she informed me had three others in it already, because I was so impressed with the state parks department’s excellent staffing decision. A sign however pointed me in the right direction and the small corner site with three bikes in it lead the way. My campmates are Gabriella from Guadalajara, and two brother from mexico city, Nacho and Esteban who are working on a project about milinials getting out and doing shit, or something like that. They have an underlying theme to them about making fun of the stereotypes about youth today, their attachment to electronics and validation seeking via social media. The are also traveling to Vanouver, they are doing it in 30 days. We all went down to the beach together for sunset and had a lot of laughs, they are each a real blessing. Garbriella live in San Diego, I hope to see her again, she seems exceptionally intelligent and has quite a pretty smile, she is painting right now with water colors, her goal is a painting a day on her trip from San Luis Obisbo to S.D. What an amazing crew to stumble upon, again I’m amazed at how human interaction, strangers actually getting along, is the single most enriching part of being a alive. Why can’t we all just get along? And again a feeling I’ve had for a long time is reinforced, I fucking love Mexicans

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msblue-books-blog · 6 years

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As I mentioned in my last post, I was planning on visiting the Isle of Wight. I booked my ticket in advance, since I understand traveling on a ferry is not like hotels; where you can get a discount if you rock up late.

It is not cheap to move a van to the Isle of Wight. Why anyone goes there is beyond me. If I didn’t have friends there I probably would have just said sod to the whole thing. What didn’t help was that I got the return trip for 80 quid, only to have my session time out and have the price go up to 150. Sneaky internet. Of course I didn’t pay that much, I went down to the Red Funnel office and made nice with the receptionist who helped me out and got my tickets back down to 100. Although such a price came with a 5:15AM ferry (Having spent a lot of my life working night shifts I’m at least used to such a horrible wake up time, although the ordeal was still painful).

On top of that, I have to admit, I was a bit nervous about taking the ferry. I haven’t taken a ferry since I was about ten and at the time I, obviously, was not responsible for driving, or anything much beyond nagging my parents to feed me. This time was rather different, having to drive onto the ferry in Enid; the fantastic gear dropping camper van.

I am pleased to report it was quite uneventful, although rather exciting, since, Enid being so tall, I got put right in the belly of the boat with all the lorry’s and some heavy duty crane equipment that was being moved.

I collected the animals, got myself an absurdly overpriced coffee and enjoyed watching the sun rise as I sailed across with some very unhappy pets.

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First impression; that there is a weird high vis vest trend on the Isle of Wight.

I thought at first it was just because I was seeing dock workers, but no, people out walking their dogs early, kids on their way to school. I met up with my friend in McDonalds for a coffee and everyone except us was wearing a high vis vest. I rather felt that I should get one to blend in.

My friend met me in McD’s near the port because they were heading out (to return in the evening) as I was coming in. We parted ways after a disgusting McD’s breakfast, him giving me directions to his place on the very south of the island in a village called Ventna.

I did not realize how small the Isle of Wight actually is.

Took me half an hour to get there.

Of course, the first thing I did was take Caspian and try to find the beach. It was an easy task accomplished in ten minutes and, although the sand beach is quite small, it is very nice, clean sand with a variety of places to eat and drink along the front, and a costal path running up the cliffs either side.

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I found a dinosaur maze, which I had to go in because it was advertised as both free and amazing, and how often do you find something like that?

Me and Caspian spent our first afternoon running up and down the hills and enjoying the sea air, and that night we were taken out (because Ventna is one of those place where dogs are welcome everywhere, which gets it a tick from me) to experience a night out in the village.

Now, for those not in the know (like I wasn’t before I rocked up) but the Isle of Wight, being situated where it is, i.e. directly between Brazil and the rest of the UK, is quite a cheap place to go and find drugs, are you so inclined.

It’s personally not to my tastes, but it apparently is to…. Pretty much everyone on the Isle of Wight. It makes for a slightly more relaxed atmosphere than you might find in the average pub, which was nice, although the flip side of it is it’s very difficult to understand a large portion of the people in there.

But still, the evening was nice, we grabbed some Indian food and I met some of the locals; an absurdly rude man and his lovely son, a woman known to most people because she refuses to move on from the 80’s and take her thigh high sparkly boots off, and a girl who, don’t get me wrong was lovely to talk to, but unusual to me in that she had not only never left the Isle of Wight, but was reluctant to even leave the town of Ventna.

I actually found this reluctance to be a recurring theme the longer I stayed. I started to suspect the residents of Ventna were under the influence of some sophoriphic drug, perhaps something in the water, as no one seemed willing to leave, the main town of Newport being “such a long way” (remember my comment earlier on how tiny the island is) , and I was worried about my leaving early Friday morning as I started to wonder if, in true horror move fashion, I would wake to find my tires gone and a note on my windscreen saying “It’s such a long way, now you can stay.”

This lethargy wasn’t just in people’s personal attitudes though, it was also in their professional outlook. It baffles me how anything ever gets done out there. Everyone is late for everything, shops just don’t open if they don’t feel like it, my friend openly admitted to having gone through near ten tradesman before he found one even willing to turn up. One day there I ventured into Newport (despite the apparent distance) with the aim of getting my laptop repaired. Of the four IT repair shops in Newport only one of them would take it, the rest shrugged and yawned and one of the guys was obviously so off his face I’m not 100% sure he thought I was real.

I’m sure the last man I spoke to only deigned to look at my laptop because I got quite upset, “I will pay literally anything for you to fix this,” I begged him. It was true enough, it is difficult to write and blog with no laptop after all.

He took it for an hour, inspected it and then gave it back to me, still sodding broken!! Refusing to do anything else because he “can’t figure what’s wrong. It’s broken though.” How foolish of me, to have brought my broken laptop into a computer repair shop!

Calm now.

In all fairness he didn’t charge me at least, but I’m very confused as to how Island businesses make money if this is how they all function.

But, laptop frustration aside, the Isle of Wight is actually very nice for a holiday or if you’re getting to that stage of your life when you don’t mind things moving infuriatingly slowly.

Because it is beautiful and, even though my friends have only been living there four months, they can’t go into town without getting caught up in conversation with someone else because there’s this great community feel. The weather is lovely. I’m here in the middle of October and it’s been sunny five days out of seven.

I had quite a fitness week, went on a few runs along the beach, went to my friends Pilate’s class. I almost joined in a senior’s dance event with 50s/60s music, but I left before things really picked up so I missed the best bits (like my friend realizing her knickers were too loose and dancing the whole event commando, because she’s a classy girl).

We did have another night out where we went to see live music, from a guitarist who was a session guitarist for Pink Floyd back in the day. He was really good. Although I will admit I had to leave half way through, since I had been up

since about 4 looking for a certain dog, who decided to take herself for a walk.

Now, I don’t want you guys to think I’m a bad owner. But the first evening when we went out my friend offered to let me sleep in their spare bed, exhausted from Southampton and a little sniffley with possibly the beginnings of a cold, I was quite keen on a warm night’s sleep in a real bed.

However, the catch was Caspian could not come in the house, because the resident cats were frightened of her.

It would be fine, I reasoned, for one night, as long as I checked on her first and last thing, and made sure Enid was secure and out the way.

I woke up at four in the morning feeling terrible, wracked with quilt, and ran out the house to see her.

And Caspian had escaped.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

I’ll save you the worry and assure you I did find her, or, more accurately, the dog warden did. So that was our (expensive) drama for the week.

One more thing worth mentioning about the Isle of Wight that doesn’t really fit well into this story was my friend’s ring. I didn’t realize but there are a few pearl farms on the Isle of Wight and she’d been hoping to get a ring from one for a while, and did so while I was visiting, I’d like to share it here because it was actually very pretty.

Drama and professional frustrations aside, the week was nice, sea air is always a mood lifter, and it was nice to catch up with the friend I’ve not seen in a few months.

Next time; a flying trip to London.

#travelblog I visit the most relaxed place in the whole of England and nearly get trapped there #isleofwight #animalblog As I mentioned in my last post, I was planning on visiting the Isle of Wight. I booked my ticket in advance, since I understand traveling on a ferry is not like hotels; where you can get a discount if you rock up late.

#Animals #Beach #Camper Full Of Animals #Dog #Ferry #Isle of Wight #Photos

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 79, November 2017

On Monday morning, Mum and I went down to Westfield Fountain Gate Shopping Centre to get our annual Santa photos done. This year’s theme was The Smurfs and so the whole wonderland leading up to Santa’s throne was decked out with inflatable Mushroom houses, large trees with LED fairy lighting and the Smurfs themselves doing various activities including painting, baking and smelling a flower.

Thankfully it was very quiet at the time so we didn’t have to wait very long at all to get the photos done. I wasn’t really in the best headspace this morning with various mental and emotional issues going on but I maintained the best composure I could and “smiled for the camera”. Though I was even feeling self-conscious about that as well as I couldn’t get my pose right at all.

Santa: What do you want for Christmas Michael? Me: Happiness. Self-confidence. A life purpose. A sense of belonging with others. A direction in life. And to find love.

Doing some early Christmas shopping with Mum did help me take my mind off things a little. I do love looking in $2 shops and homewares stores for Christmas related cards, stickers, ornaments and gift ideas as it’s only five weeks until Christmas. I honestly don’t feel organised at all this year but I’m sure it’ll all come together eventually.

On Monday night, I did my second Weight Lifting class with Abhishek Ashokkumar at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. I’ve spent the last week seriously thinking about what I’m doing in terms of my fitness goals and where I want to be training. I’ve been very reluctant about committing myself to Abhi and Silverback Training Co. mainly because of my own insecurities, trust issues and past hurts.

There’s also the usual fears when it comes to group social situations. Not fitting in. Not speaking up enough. Being laughed at or embarrassed. Being the odd one out. Competition and comparing myself to others. Favouritism. Feeling sidelined and socially excluded. But there comes a point in time where you have to go “Fuck it. I’m done with my anxiety holding me back. I’ve gotta give this a chance. What’s the worst that can happen?”

Tonight’s session was actually a WOD (Workout of the Day) to celebrate Emma and Claire going away together on holiday. Basically, we had to partner up and pick a card from a standard deck of playing cards. Each card was designated a certain movement or exercise that we had to perform during the workout (Spade: Cleans. Diamonds: Squats. Clubs: Stiff-leg Deadlifts. Hearts: Wall Climb. Face: 100 skips + 10 rep movement. Ace: 4 x tyre flips. Joker: 20m rope pull).

If we couldn’t complete the required reps or finish the movement, the penalty was running with our partners to the end of the street and back. We each had to alternate in picking up a card so we could recover in between movements. It was a really tough workout, especially the 100 skips and the wall climbs but at the same time, I actually enjoyed it due to the sense of team spirit within the group. Nobody felt left out and we all encouraged each other to get through the 50 minute workout.

I’m only two sessions in and already I’m feeling quite positive about being a part of this group. I felt a lot more comfortable and less anxious than last week. Getting to know people takes time. It doesn’t matter what the situation is. It’s one of those things that it takes me a while to warm up to a new group and be able to let my guard down, let them in and be myself. One step at a time.

On Tuesday night, I headed down to YMCA Casey RACE for a Swim, Spa and Sauna session. Of course being a 31 degree day, the pool was packed tonight and I was lucky to find a parking spot. I was going to do a Water Workout class but didn’t really feel up to it with the heat draining me of energy today. Instead, I decided to spend an hour doing recovery, doing some gentle exercise and swim practice.

I really surprised myself by swimming in the slow lane for the first time ever. I alternated between breast stroke and doggy paddle as these are the styles I’m strongest at and got myself comfortable enough to swim the length of the pool. I’ve honestly achieved a lot in the last 12 months in terms of my confidence in the water. I always had a fear of “the deep end” but now I’ve managed to smash through that fear. Next goal on the list is to try a Deep Water Running class. https://www.caseyrace.ymca.org.au/a...

On Thursday afternoon, I had my counselling session with Ruth at Piece Together Counselling in Narre Warren. Today I talked about how life and external pressures from work have been bringing me down lately. I’ve had moments where I haven’t felt appreciated or heard by others and that got me really frustrated and upset. The recent Spring heatwave has also been a major factor in influencing my moods as high temperatures make me feel drained, worn out and unmotivated. Overthinking and being too hard on myself are still things that are works in progress in my life.

Then there’s the fact that it’s almost 4 weeks until Christmas and I’ve yet to get myself organised for it. But I’m learning to not succumb to the pressure society places on us to rush down to the store, spend big and find those “perfect” gifts. I don’t care for the materialistic aspects of Christmas anymore. All I care about is spending time with the people I care about and that’s it. I guess I just haven’t been prepared for it and it’s really caught me off guard this year. I’m going to give myself permission to have an easy-going Christmas this year.

I also talked about how much behaviour from childhood has influenced and contributed towards my recent diagnosis of Mild High Functioning Autism. I was very much a loner during kindergarten and primary school, always keeping to myself and engaging in quiet, creative activities such as reading, writing, painting and drawing. Recesses and lunchtimes were obviously very difficult for me. I was purposefully getting into trouble because I hated the idea of being alone and having no friends to play with. Hence why I often engaged in attention-seeking behaviour, to get other people to notice me and not feel invisible anymore.

On Friday morning, I attended my Pilates Mat class with Suzie Lowater at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. Today’s class was very different to what I’m used to with most poses and movements being done using a large gym ball as a prop. It certainly increased the degree of difficulty slightly especially in terms of balance and stability but I just did what I could to embrace. I’m also learning to be more aware of my core activation during each pose.

On Friday afternoon, I headed off to my first ever yoga retreat at Tall Trees Camping in Moggs Creek. To be honest, I was feeling pretty nervous about this weekend as it’s the first time I’ve ever done this on my own. I’ve also never met any of the teachers or students attending this retreat and I’ll be participating in activities I’ve never tried before including life coaching sessions, facials and hand treatments, camping for the first time in 10 years.

It’s all pretty daunting for me but at the same time getting out of my comfort zone has been one of my major goals this year and I think that this will be a great opportunity for me to do just that. Plus I think that there will be more positives than negatives from this experience. The retreat was organised by Bianca Lovrecic who is a qualified yoga teacher at Just Be Yoga and Meditation and Patricia Chiuariu who is a qualified life coach for Champion In Progress Mentoring and Coaching.

Unfortunately, it didn’t start off too well with my car getting overheated and breaking down just before the Burnley Tunnel. It was really nerve-racking especially as the traffic was banking up and I needed to find a way to pull over to the emergency service lane. After getting onto the RACV and having my car towed to the Todd Road service centre, it was a long 1.5 wait for another tow truck to arrive so I could get my car home again. My radiator had a hole in it and was leaking out coolant so there was no way I could drive it safely in that condition.

Fortunately, Mum allowed me to borrow her car in order to still make it to the yoga retreat. It was a very long and tremendously monotonous 2.5 hour drive with a thunderstorm, lightening and a few showers along the way. After I got over the West Gate Bridge, my anxiety levels lowered a bit but I found I had to concentrate harder than normal to stay alert driving along on the Princes Freeway and later the Great Ocean Road.

The last part was actually quite scary as I had to drive along some dirt roads with pot holes and no street lights at all. Eventually, I found the entrance gate to Tall Trees Camping and managed to find a couple of the girls in the common area as well as Bianca and Patricia who helped me to locate my tent and gave me a brief guided tour before I collapsed into bed. I was so lucky to have this tent all to myself as the other tents were twin share.

Getting up at 6am for my Hatha Yoga Flow classes was tough on 4-5 hours sleep but I made the effort to do it. It was really lovely to be awakened by the sounds of birds chirping and laughing to one another. I was truly in nature now. The breakfasts and lunches were all catered for by Little Feast in Aireys Inlet and the food was absolutely amazing. I was trying so many different things that I’d never eaten before like chia pudding, bircher muesli, bean salad, mocha balls and salted caramel fudges.

We also did two life coaching sessions with Patricia from Champion In Progress Mentoring and Coaching over the weekend in a group setting. We worked our way gradually through the program workbook which included setting intentions, goal setting, the wheel of life, absolute no and yes lists, immediate actions, building awareness, strengths and values, mindfulness reflections, control and making choices. Overall, I found it very insightful and productive in thinking about what’s really important to me in my life.

In the afternoons, we did some facials and hand treatments with Bianca who is also a consultant from Mary Kay. I honestly had mixed feelings about these sessions as I’ve never used these products before and didn’t want to be roped into buying anything. But thankfully Bianca was laid-back and didn’t pressure any of us to participate or order any products. I also wrongly assumed that this was going to be more of a spa date thing but oh well.

On Saturday night, the group went out for dinner at Little Feast Aireys. I could feel myself really get out of my comfort zone here especially when the conversation turned to the topic of animal violence and dealing with aggressive dogs. I seriously wanted to go for the exit but forced myself to stay out of politeness. Thankfully, the subject quickly changed and the dinner was worth staying for. Grilled barramundi with cauliflower, beans, brocolini, beetroot, beans and spinach plus an apple and raspberry crumble for dessert. Yummo!

I think the biggest concern for me about attending this yoga retreat was being able to fit in socially with this all female group. Not that being in only guy is necessary a bad thing but it made it hard to click with the others. The topics of conversation such as babies, teaching, families, husbands, corporate business and healthy super foods were also really tough to relate to and I was sitting on the sidelines just listening most of the time. The fact that I’m also introverted, shy, reserved and socially awkward also presents many challenges for me.

But I didn’t let any of this stop me from enjoying my experience. There were a few times where I decided to sit in the tent by myself to essentially recharge the batteries and I just needed a break from the group sometimes. I also found it difficult to adapt to some of the ladies’ personalities and sense of humour. But overall, I did feel welcome, accepted and included. People did ask me about my life, did try to get to know me and did acknowledge my existence through eye contact and general greetings in passing.

Despite the social challenges this yoga retreat presented, I still really enjoyed my experience this weekend. I was grateful for just being there. For having my own tent and my own space. For all the food that got catered to us. For all the bathroom facilities. For the weather. For the yoga classes and life coaching sessions. I confronted and ticked off a lot of “firsts” from my list during this weekend alone and I’m really proud of myself for doing it.

On the drive back home, I decided to visit the Split Point Lighthouse at Aireys Inlet. Of course being a Sunday afternoon, the area was packed with tourists and couples but that didn’t bother me. I went for a half-hour strong along the coastal walking trail leading up to the Lighthouse itself and then walked down to the lookout points to see some gorgeous views of the rocky cliffs and roaring ocean waves down below.

FUN FACT: The Split Point Lighthouse was made famous by the popular 90’s Australian television show Round The Twist.

“Let's take a chance on a happy ending. (Let's) turn the page and stop pretending. The past can stop a heart from mending. It's time to let go 'cause baby you know. Some things are better best forgotten.” STEPS - Better Best Forgotten (1998)

“What you can't see can't hurt you they say. But I've been blind too many times before. Never see it coming your way. Shadows and secrets hide. Give me the bright lights of the dance floor. To shine inside this broken heart of mine. The way you move I'm forgetting all the ghosts in my mind.” STEPS - Scared Of The Dark (2017)

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