Look at my new dog, boy.

His name is Kveldulf, he’s an Úlfheðinn/Werewolf and he can turn into animals by putting their pelts on. Mostly a wolf but maybe also other things whos to stop me.  More info under cut

Random Assortment of Facts and things:

Like I said he can use pelts to transform into animals and such. Can ALWAYS turn into a wolf regardless

Can transform just parts of his body if he needs to

Can also transform into a beastly giant horrible gangly werewolf thing :)

From Vanaheim, grew up with Freya and Freyr (a bit younger than them though)

One of the most skilled of the Úlfhéðnar, but still picked on for being a runt

Very Very Aggressive and Intense

Freya’s guard and friend :)

Stayed in Asgard with her once she got married to Odin

Odin convinced them to let him use the Úlfhéðnar warriors somehow, as he does. Obviously this was a horrible mistake

Hes really close to Tyr and Tyr helps him meditate and calm himself down and also become more in tune with the animals and such (this is when he starts being able to transform into things other than a wolf)

When Freya is exiled he’s also exiled, but Odin casts his damn spells and he’s not allowed to get close to her, and hes sad and pissed about it

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh things happen idk I don’t wanna type all the plot ideas I have for him here

He eventually becomes Atreus’ mentor of sorts and helps him with his shapeshifting ability :)

He can turn into a dragon because I said so, but Odin has his dragon hide so he can’t actually do it until he gets that back :/

good lord was that a dream

with komi thought i was dead freaked out in class found out i was okay went to movies messed up things with my brain by changing how people perceived things

my name was like aiden anderson or something clearly based on light

started causing a scene because i was getting stressed changed it to make everyone think the security guard was doing it got his life ruined ran away he knows he didnt do it chases me down i get hin shot and fired etc life is ruined

offer to go home with komi now a woman named amie she blows me off and left

at home some weird creature in bathroom like under floorboards. like. naked person. there is lore suggesting im an alien unclear if its a changeling or halfling situation

dad tries to rescue the person and i kill him, left all alone

years pass run into amie and guard who ask if its really me and i ignore them until they start touching me physically and shit

run away home

under staircase around where naked boy was is death note with death scratched out and mercy written on it

continue to write "me" in it a million times

people begin to piece together what actually happened

advance on the house

i try to kill amie with the notebook but cant remember her proper name let alone how to spell it

they break in. find evidence i used to adjust everyones memories of that day by looking up information to correctly alter peoples memories

desperate i lock myself in a room probably the bathroom where i killed dad and the other person

realize theres no getting out of this one

go to write my own name in the notebook

realize ive been so detached from society for so long i dont even remember it anymore

finally remember a d write it down. i successfully kill myself

hello im awake now and wtf

my journaling from the beach: 

BLah blah. I'm typing this on the roof/balcony of our airbnb in cholla bay. I wish I could go to sleep, I was so tired all day, but my brain is unhappy and wound up in a way that I know would not equal success at falling asleep. especially next to brian. blah blah. i suppose its not surprising that like all of today was just immediately pretending everything was fine between us and not acknowleding that anything had happened. and the frustrating part is that like I don't have any drive or incentive to bring it up anyways because there is no space of valuable procssing for us. the only thing to discuss is how to incorporate teh understanding that (once again, but more firmly this time) nothing will ever work between us, this will keep happening and probably getting worse, It turns out even after that debacle I still like and want to be affectionate iwth brian and it makes me feel sad and lonely to consider breaking off what we've had going on, but also we're lucky enough we've gotten this far without hating each other and maybe we shouldn't press our luck. I don't know, I don't know what the right thing to do is now but that's what's ahead of us to figure out (ending things, how, when?) and I don't want to do that when he's sitll here for a few more days. so I want to be able to I guess "have fun" but it's also hard and feels bad we have to just ignore shit to not have it be horrible.

I lost a lot of trust in brian last night. I knew // was (re?) learning that he has the emotional maturity of a ten year old if that, but it just felt more pointed and personal last night.

he brought up with me sleeping with nick in a snide way, and that struck a nerve and triggered bad feelings in me. yes i was drunk. I wasn't actually mad at brian for that I just wanted to cry a little and procss that that actually was a bad memory. brian does know that it wasn't something that I feel good about and that I had some difficult/ hurt feelings about nick after that incident coupled with others. but i wasn't in that moment mad at his insensitivity I just wanted to step away and have feelings. which seemed fine at first, he came out and was affectionate. but i guess when that didn't fix things right away he couldn't handle it. he said "i feel weird" and got out of bed and then literally threatened to leave the next day. I don't think I can forgive him for that ever. it also just seems so bizarre in the universe when what i've been talking about in therapy is literally like emotional trauma stemming from fearing my mother we going ot leave me (and her in fact leaving my bed) because of me crying. I also had literally iterated to brian multiple times that it wasn't about him, i wasn't mad at him, but apparently what wigged him out so much was a feeling that i was mad at him. but this is what i've already been noticing in brian, he just does not have that ability whatsoever to understand that his emotions/ anxieties/ insecurities are not a blanket excuse for shitty behavior and he needs to be able to take some ownership.

and so the irony is not lost on me tonight that he started having intense, difficult to articulate anxiety / emotions. despite being occasionally affectionate with me (as I also was with him last night) he was also distant, quiet, regularly not looking at or speaking ot me and like standing/walking separately..... he also expressed that his anxiety was related to how much money he is spending on this trip, which also does kinda sting cause it feels like his anxiety is like, that he came to see me, which makes me feel bad and kinda upset, but I wouldn't in one million years I think even if I was very drunk think of yelling at and berating him the same way, being like "well did you ever stop to think maybe i feel like youre mad at me // or blablabla" when I know he's having hard emotions and such. of course i didn't threaten to leave. though I did, I admit and I dind't like feeling this way either, feel quite petty and like "oh ok so you're allowe to have like your own hard emotoinal experience near me but I'm not" or whatever. I wante dot passive aggressively be like, ok well I can't tell if youre mad at me so I'm going to leave tomorrow bye" or whatever. but, I didn't, I sucked it up and although I think I would have been a better suppor had I not been feeling that way I still tried, took us on a walk, hugged him, etc. I dunno bla. not to e all, "regreT" by fiona apple.

I want to tell him I've lost trust in him in an irreparable way, that wasn't just another drunk argument we can forget about and move on from. thsi is the signal that it's time to find a way out of this, I don't htink I can ever be emotionally supported or safe with him in the way I would need, even though I know we aren't saying tghis is a "relationship" or whatever it isn't isn't, "casual." I don't know what would happen to our friendship. I also, even as I write this, wonder if I will actually end this or extricate myself. I'm definitely going to tell him the harm was real from that fight, but maybe after he leaves, I don't know. it'd hard becuase I feel like reopening this conversation would just make the rest of hte trip awful and hard and not even like, in a productive way which is the thing with him is that processing is never processing, it never gets us anywhere at all unless its deeper in a hole of shit. some things I can decide to just move on from and forget even though I still feel that twinge of unresolved anger.... this is bigger than that. um, so yeah, I guess if he wants to keep pretending things are fine with us I'll just go along with it and have as much fun as we can until he leaves and we can safetly idk email or wahtever from a distance. I mean, I won't lie. I also, unfortunately...? still really like touching him, and am attracted to him. this morning I really wanted to have sex with him and like, I felt that maybe it would be fucked up to go towards that after the night we had without acknowledging it, but then was glad he intiated that. I mean.. I think the sex was mutually initiated but, initiated the, being touchy. that was me having his imaginary voice in my head arguing with me about him having initiated it. bla. i wonder if his affected today has just been coming from that fear-of-losing-me place or if he just things that what happened last night was kinda run of the mill for us.. I mean I don't htink he would be surprised if I said it wasn't but yea.

oh but what I was saying, I dont know, it also just feels sooooo lonely and sad, the prospet of going back from like having a constant preson that I love to talk to to not having anything even close to that, especially when life is also already lonely and such. both for like having the constant like, validation, and like, "company" even thought virtual.. like no tjust living alne with my thoughts all day evey day.. but  I'm worried right now I'm just going to fall back into the "good" parts of this and not have it in me to break away. and i guess my fear then is something similar or worse will just happen agian that will actually result in us hating each other // me not wanting to talk to him or see him again, etc. I think we could get away without that now, but I don't know. I mean I think we could definitely get out of this without hatred but could we transition back into a friendship where we actually talk and are in each others lives? at least in the near future (not like years down the road)? I dont know.....

I wonder if brian will ever really heal or understand even waht the problem is here. I understand that maybe some percentage of this is like us just having different emotoinal realities and struggles and such but I feel really firm in that what I'm expecting is vey reasonable, not just like me personally but of anyone who is suppsoe to care abotu and be in relationship with another person. I miss having it, I fucking miss dating someone who like hard hard hard things came up, but we understand and respected each otehrs needs and ways of communicating and working through stuff together actually gets you somewhere. i didnt have that with semra either. but semra was emotionally abusive. wolford and I really had that. I mean like sophie and I do in terms of our friendship. yea. is it more rare than I realize? I mean, I guess also I think lore and I have that, though I sometimes and like nervous ot bring up issues I have with her. when I do she listens and we hear each other and we are in a better place afterwards for it. I do think I have that model of like communication and how conflict and be like a good/ supportive thing in a relationships that helps it deepen and grow. mabye brian hasn't like had that modeled, idk, it just seems like he deeply cant' handle hard emotions, from me maybe in particular i dunno, cause he can't see past how they make him feel threatened or insecure or whatever. and then this thing about like " I don't wanna rehash that" when its like we never even really talked about it or figured anything out. we can nevre figure anything out. maybe were just different and he finds me so very "hard to read" and he can "read" other people more easily and thus feels less uncertain and insecure. maybe. but then yea so why are we together.

anyways I think I've written eveything I wanted to and I feel less like crying, still very unclear on if I feel like sleep is an option for me anytime soon. I sorta wish we hadn't had to switch to the one-room airbnb, I would like to go inside and read on a couch until I can crawl in bed it feels that would be distracting to him or like just not as easy as at the other place. sure am glad I don't like in a studio apartment with another person lol.

but, I also have to pee... thought here are bathrooms on thsi patio.. and the wind is picking up so I'll go inside, I really think it would be great to get good sleep tonight but alas