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wolfavens · 7 months

Text

ghost car of barna road

track 2 - slop 2/2

i wondered how i looked then - facing the shelves packed with discount junk, wearing nothing but thin slippers and my greasy pajamas. i had a scrap of paper torn out of a catalogue crumbled in my fist. it showed a small electric kettle in five color variants. one of them, the cyan one, was circled in bright red marker. underneath, as an added security, my mother wrote in her tiny, neat, schoolteacher’s handwriting: cyan.

they did not have the cyan one.

now, my options were limited. i considered them while sipping cold coffee obtained on the shelf behind me. i was either taking a pastel pink kettle home, hoping the cheerful colour will appease my mother to the loss of the cyan option; walk the two kilometres to the next supermarket hoping to snatch the cyan keetle;

or, my number one contender, returning back to our street, getting inside the rental and driving straight ahead until i hit the ocean.

"this is fucking ridiculous," i told myself.

she is fucking ridiculous. true. what but was i going to do about that now?

i groaned, pulling my phone out of my back pocket. it was half after eight. i was supposed to start working at nine and my hot cup of coffee, shower and peace of mind depended on a fucking cyan kettle that was not where it was supposed to be.

“i have no fucking time for this,” i breathed, snatching a box off the shelf and made my way to the empty cash register.

a smiling lady rang my purchase, asked me about my opinions on weather and, not deterred by my discouraging grunts and deadpan expression, mentioned the kettle i was getting was really amazing, she had it herself, and it looked so nice in her kitchen, she tried to have everything in her kitchen in pastel pink, it brightened up the room so much and made it so lovely, didn’t i think so?

“that will be thirty five euro, love.”

i wondered if i was too czech now. it’s been ten years of cloudy faces and getting snapped at in the shops. a lady at imigration made me cry in my scond week there. ten years later, whatever was happening here, was making my skin crawl. i was no longer used to happy faces and polite chatter. my first instinct was to use the kettle box as a shield and push my way out of the door, overthrowing old people and babies for bonus points. i felt like a stranger in my own home.

the unsettling through followed me down the road to my parent’s door. i tried to block it’s weight with my foot before slipping in, but it clung to my grey leggins. it followed me down the hall to the back sunroom/kitchen, right at my heel like an eager puppy. it was there when i put the box down on the table, there when my mom looked back with a smile, closer when her round wrinkled face fell noticing the delivered goods.

“oh, it’s the pink one,” she said, covering her sadness with cheerful politeness.

“they did not have the cyan one,” i said. “only pink and black. the pink is nice.”

she nodded, taking the box and placing it, very carefully, on the floor by the door. “sit down, i made you some eggs and bacon.”

i sat down in an empty place, facing the back door. my eyes kept returning to the box while my mother chattered.

one time in prague, not much longer after our move, my irish girlfriend got me this vintage jacket at a traveling thrift marketplace. it was the worse wine red colour, with tiny reflective flakes and shite-load of colourful beads strewn harphazardly across the back and it’s too short, not quite three-quater sleeves. she said the second she saw it it reminded her of my “free spirit”. by that she must’ve meant the long dark nights spend getting blackout drunk, shying away from phones which could at any time remind me about your existence.

my “free spirit” jacket became this thing hanging on our dresser door, obscuring a fair amount of the decorative mirror embedded in the frame. everything unsaid between us seemed to cling to it like lint. every argument we had was another bead sparkling in its sleeve. every bloody fucking thing that pissed us off about each other was this tiny reflective piece of plastic that, if the sunshine streamed in through the winddow at just the right angle, would hit you in the eye and scorch your pupil.

i would wake up and see the jacket and all the bad things about our relationship would be right there, reflected in that ugly, dusty piece of second skin.

after a while it became sentient.

it would walk into the room when we argued and point its too short arms at us, throwing out beads to jog our memories. that summer you kissed that other guy when we were dating; i can’t believe you told me you were quitting and lied to my face; the way you acted when my mother came for a visit; why do you never want us to travel home together, are you ashamed of me?; and finally you, you, you, you - but she kept calling you him, like she couldn’t quite remember your name. she called you him and the jacket kept throwing all the beads the colour of your eyes at me until they cut my skin.

finally we broke up and she packed everything she owned up into these huge suitcases she got online. she rolled them across the oak floor-boards that moaned in reply and when she stopped in the doorward for the last time she said: “you know, all you had to do was say was you didn’t like it.”

it took me a while to realise she was talking about the jacket, not us. she left it there, hanging off the closet door, so dusty it looked more grey then red by then.

i looked at the kettle in its snug box now, lying by the canary yellow wallpapered wall, enveloped by a soft pool of light. in wondered if this was the same thing. i wondered how long it will take until all the things i do wrong burst out through the colourful packaging and flood our kitchen floor.

“more tea?” asked my mother in her cheerful sing-songy voice.

“i don’t like tea.” i wanted to say.

“sure.”

from the box by the door, you could hear tiny plastic screws click-clacking in vicious enjoyment.

#simblr #ts4 story #s:gcbr #oc:fiadh #oc:ann marie #it you read my random writing stuff in summer #this is the same with minor edits #so good to skip i guess lol

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wolfavens · 6 months

Text

ghost car of barna road

track 3 - liberty belle 1/2

my manager greeted me in irish.

i blinked at the screen in mute panic. i couldn’t remember how to reply. words and languages collided in my brain. it was a car crash, baby, and in the end all that came out of my mouth was a prolonged aaah with no end in sight. a perfect visual representation would be a multilanguage tsunami, pouring out of my ears and pooling around my slippers on the dusty rug of my childhood bedroom.

i used to write those words down into a black notebook, watching you mock me from that dusty rug. you and your smug gaeltacht born grin. who would’ve thought i will forget them all by the time i’m 30.

“how did the move go?”

move. to galway. my hometown. i found my voice again and rushed out: “oh yeah! the move went okay. got here late last night. drive was smooth. not many cars around after midnight.”

“hehe, don’t get used to it. it’s a totally different story after 8am.”

we chatted for a while, arranging to meet in dublin next month when i was all settled in. won’t take long. all i needed was to get a flat, a car - did i need help with the flat? there are probably relocation programmes for employees available. no. i think i got it. did i tho?

we finished the call twenty minutes later. the fact i managed to scrape by enough words to at least tell him goodbye in irish seemed to cheer him up a bit.

i finished up some minor work tasks, sipping at the remainder of my mother’s disgusting herbal tea and took a short break to open the dusty unused storage areas of my childhood bedroom. i needed to clean up the old junk before moving in the new junk. i had to give one thing to my mother; she did an excellent job of preserving this place. if ever i managed to do something worthwhile with my life she could start charging fucking entry for this museum of fiadh kavanagh.

shaking my head i started pulling out old clothes and creating a pile on the floor. if she believed i still fit into these jeans i should be worried about early onset neurodegenerative diseases.

i was done with the columns and moving on to the hangers by the time she stuck her head in and quirked her dark eyebrows at me. “need any help?”

“mom, why the fuck did you keep all this?” i asked, showcasing fist-full of short gothic dresses. “aren’t you worried about clothes moths?”

ignoring my point she sat down on the bed, smiling. “oh, i though you might still like to keep some of it. it’s not like we need extra storage.”

“mom, look at me!” i threw another armful onto the pile, lifting my arms to indicate my age ravaged body. “how could i possibly fit into size four?! some of these are from the children’s section!”

“you look like a string, you could easily fit. it’s the cigarettes. they are not good for ya.”

i rolled my eyes. “i’m not even fucki…”

the feel of a familiar soft fabric beneath my fingertips made me stop midsentence. i pulled it out into the light with shaking fingers, heart racing against my ribcage. it looked huge in my palms. the faded graphics were barely visible in the shadowy light of my room. if you tried hard enough you could just barely make out the name of the band. distantly i heard my mom echo my name but i was stuck in the past, standing in the cold autumn rain by the open driver’s side window of your car.

“ooooh, i remember this one,” my mother said with a nostalgic smile.

i made a small sound at the back of my throat.

“it’s the donovan boy’s, isn’t it? i remember teasing him about it. i told him: young man, this is not a free laundry i run here! you know what he said to me?”

i nodded, whispering, “it’s not my fault yer daughter is a stinkin’ thief.”

she laughed. “little bastard. he was the worst influence on you. funny how he turned out. would never expect a son of deirdre donovan to make something of himself. i guess we owe it all to the wife. she…”

my body snapped back to action. i was moving away before she could say her name. putting the sweater on the bed next to her, i brushed my hands against my sweatpants and mumbled: “right, look we need to get rid of all this before i can unpack. do you know someone with skinny teenage children? ideally with a questionable fashion sense?”

“we can drive to the clothes recycling point.”

“grand! let’s do that after work.” i told her, kicking my way through the discarted clothes toward the closet and dumping whatever was left on top of the rest. “i need to get back to work now. i have a meeting in 20.”

“oh, ok. sorry.” she chuckled, standing up. “i will bring some bags to put all of this in.” she reached for the sweater on her way out and i jumped in to block her path on impulse.

“uh… where are you taking that?”

she blinked up at me, brown eyes surprised. “downstairs. i figured i could return it to the rightful owner rather than donate it to charity. although,” she giggled, pulling it apart for scale, “i doubt it will still fit him.”

she was gone before i could open my mouth, taking the sweater with her. my clenched fists unclenched with effort as i pushed the door closed and leaned my back against it. i was breathing too hard. the way you handed me that sweater through the driver’s side window on that rainy, a blast from the past; a ghostly memory. just enough to make me shudder.

#simblr #ts4 story #s:gcbr #oc:ann marie #oc:fiadh #it's adorable how gorgeous fawn believes #she looks old and ugly #hell i wish i looked like fawn #also join me in appreciating stolen garments #the best possible sweater is one you don't own #amen

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wolfavens · 7 months

Text

ghost car of barna road

track 2 - slop 1/2

i woke up early and stashed last night's bottle of whiskey into my backpack. the sky was a turbulent cyan, beyond the window of my childhood bedroom. aside from a single suitcase all my things were still in the car. there was no dress change until i brough the boxes in.

but coffe first.

i opened the door on a dark empty staircase, walked the 2 steps toward the creaking stairs, bumped my head on a decorative element, slipped, cussed, got to the kitchen and reached for the kettle just in time for an assault.

someone yelled and barelled towards me.

i threw the kettle at them.

glass and tiny elecrical parts scattered over the floor to my cried. “what the fuck, mom!!! what the actual fuck!!! jesus, for fuck’s sake!!!”

“fiadh?”

“yes!” i yelled, pushing my shaking hands into my hair while sampling the damage. “of course it’s me, who the fuck do you fucking think it could be?!!”

cool and collected my mother lowered the decorative giraffe statue she was armed with and smoothed out her mauve nightgown. “there are break-ins now, you know. dangerous criminal elements. the news said so.”

i glowered at her. “where would the fucking criminal element get the keys?”

“don’t cuss,’ she replied. then, turning to the stairs called up, “it’s fiadh, mark! tell the garda everything is alright, now”

i sighed, lowering my face into my palms while she stashed away her girrafe and enveloped me in a tight hug. her body felt warm and small. she used to be so much taller than me. she used to be taller than the world.

i pulled away, attempting a smile that felt short. “coffe?”

“oh, i’m afraid the kettle is busted.”

“i can use a top,” I proposed, opening a cupboard and looking in. i wondered where, among all this colourful junk, will i ever be able to stash my earless prague mug.

my mom pursed her lips. “well… they have kettles at lidl this week.”

i stopped and pulled my head back to look at her. if her face was any indication she was not fucking joking. “it’s quite early and…”

“they open in 4 minutes.”

“are you seriou…”

“yes, now that i think about it there is this one cyan option i've had my eye on…”

“mom, i didn’t have my coffee yet and this is just…”

“yes, baby,” she said in a very calming voice, pointing at a supermarket ad, ‘that is why we need the kettle, see? oh, and while you’re there maybe grab some eggs and rolls? i’ll make us a nice omellete.”

#simblr #ts4 story #s:gcbr #oc:fiadh #oc:ann marie #if you remember my writing vomit mid summer #yes it's the same writing #i started barna road in summer and got too excited #so i decided to put it out here #but also this was in my drafts because i couldn't do pics #for months #i still hate these pics but #man i want to share the good stuff #the brian stuff #so we need to push on lads #we push on ahahah #also ann marie is my mom and they should both be hospitalised lol

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