can you do the crazy girls ask but for aot girls (incl hange) as well? thank you!

hehe i am so glad you requested this!!! i love when women <333 this ask is based on this prompt of the aot characters dating a reader who is "crazy" like "maddy from euphoria" LMFAO which i interpreted as an emotionally strong individual who isn't afraid to take anyone's shit :)

mikasa loves how independent you are. she adores how you can stand your ground and dont need anyone to defend or save you from situations (ofc she is always willing and prepared to, but you assure her you can handle things yourself) i think she likes having a s/o who is a little crazy and unpredictable (ex: eren being a literal feral chihuahua who she has to keep on a leash) so i think she finds a lil bit of humor and enjoyment when ur ripping someone a new one or going off on someone. she kinda stands in the back like <3 thats my baby

sasha is so funny because she cant decide if she’s absolutely petrified or turned on by the situation unfolding in front of her LOL. she sees you pointing your fingers and furrowing your brow as you yell at the person who cut you guys in line. i think she’s a little afraid of confrontation, so the fact that you are always ready to speak up and wont hesitate to throw down if you need to both terrifies and excites her. she’s torn between being like hmmm baby its ok maybe we should just leave or standing there with little hearts around her head like O.O wow they r hot when theyre mad LMFAO

hange is just super ride or die. so if their s/o is someone who is crazy and can go from being extremely happy and comforting to those they like vs terrifying and intimidating to their enemies, hange is right there with you. you mention one time that you don't like this one guy in your lecture hall and they're automatically like "ok so whats the name of that one guy we don't like, the one in ur class" they just trust you wholeheartedly so if you are acting "crazy" or have a lot of emotions, they fully validate you and your feelings. hange please validate me

pieck LOVES it. she absolutely adores how passionate and protective you were when it comes to who or what you love. you guys are out at a bar and a man catcalls pieck and before she can even roll her eyes or mutter something under her breath, you are already sizing up the perpetrator. she loves how you care for her, even if you show it through yelling at strangers that disrespect her LMFAO. SHES SO SUPPORTIVE she just watches you tear down the patriarchy from the sidelines. when ur done w ur verbal assault, she just kisses ur shoulder, blushes, and giggles while u continue to rant about how “pathetic it was” that the man even thought he had a chance w her :/

annie doesnt really care about much but when you, her s/o, come home screaming about how someone was rude to you today she immediately starts coming up with ways to k*ll them. she’s about to leave the house when you finally calm down and say “oh its fine i already slashed their tires’ ... she’s like HUHHHHHH lmfao i think she’s used to being the one who is all hard and scary so if you are so straight forward with your anger or just emotions in general, she respects you so much. she didn’t think it was possible to be so openly emotional and simultaneously terrifying at the same time, but there u are :)

hitch herself gives off maddy perez energy. so the two of you being that way??? unstoppable. she's obsessed with how scary and intimidating you two are LMFAO she knows that you are fully capable of handling your own but since you are both so powerful (and hot) you like to defend one another rather than yourselves. you make it into a game. like if a stranger at a bar is being disrespectful to you, you count how many seconds in your head it takes for hitch to be at your side calling him a "cunt" or vice versa, someone got caught talking about hitch behind her back and she doesn't even respond to them, instead she tells them to wait until you find out about what they said. that always sends them running

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

a summary of the plot points would be appreciated!

alright so here’s the whole story:

the end of the current bit would’ve been that yellow n steven just get some time to interact

skip to a day or two later. blue is still mopey and depressed, peridot is getting frustrated w her and then lapis steps in like “i’ll talk to her”. she gives her a speech like “i know what it’s like getting stuck here and never being able to go home, it sucks and it’s miserable, but you have to snap out of it. earth can actually be pretty cool if you give it a chance.”

she takes her out on a walk in the countryside where she shows her the sights of earth, animals and nature and stuff. at first blue is really apprehensive and nervous but she slowly warms up to things and has a good time. her and lapis become friends.

blue comes out of her shell more. she gets really interested in animals and starts observing/studying them, she basically wants to keep anything she sees as a pet. her and lapis get tadpoles from a pond to keep as pets and they all have names and stuff. blue also gets interested in earth fashion since it’s nothing like the uniforms theyre all stuck with on homeworld.

yellow mainly grows close to steven since everyone else ignores her and blue tries to avoid her. she acts pleasant but is secretly trying to figure out how to escape. she never gets anywhere but comes to like steven bc hes genuinely nice and tries to make sure she’s happy and stuff. he brings books to educate her on earth, which she finds interesting, and they also play boardgames together.

lapis leaves about a week after the zircons arrive. pretty much the same as in the show, except blue tries to debate her into staying. when lapis says they can take the barn into space, she points out that 1) the tadpoles will die and 2) the barn is obviously an earth structure and stands out so homeworlders will easily spot them. but instead of convincing lapis to stay, she just flies off without the barn. so everyone remaining continues to live in the barn.

more character development and stuff yada yada. smaller fillery arcs. then one day a homeworld ship arrives at the barn, filled with quartz soldiers. they spot yellow, and yellow’s terrified they’ve come to arrest her but then they reveal they’re trying to rescue her. some of them free her from her cell, while the other quartzes find and bubble peridot and blue. yellow realises from what they’re saying that she was never a wanted criminal and that sapphire must’ve lied to her.

she pretends to play along with the quartzes and act nice. they ask if she knows where the other rebels are and she says yes. something wouldve happened previously so she knows where the crystal gems house is, she leads them to it. however when they arrive and the quartzes disembark, ready to fight the cgs, yellow stabs them in the back by destabilising their leader. the other quartzes are so shocked that they let their guard down, giving the cgs time to form alexandrite and effortlessly defeat them. they bubble all the quartzes and free peridot and blue.

garnet congratulates yellow and tells her she can be free now bc they know they can trust her. but yellow still doesn’t trust them, and only really likes steven. peridot and blue reform (new outfits yayy), and it’s decided that they should all stay at the temple instead of the barn because homeworld knows the barn is a base.

the plot kinda chills out after that big event. it’s mainly just character development stuff and characters growing closer to each other. all the peridot and steven episodes from canon happen off-screen or in the background bc the zircons have nothing to do with them. this is the maybe month or so before ASPR, where there’s no more major canon plot.

yellow gets a new outfit, whether it’s from having to reform or just deciding to change for fun. also the zircons move into the lighthouse, maybe with peridot. generally all i had planned for this was smaller, humour-based storylines. blue becomes more outgoing, yellow develops interests if her own and joins jamie’s acting club. the zircons still argue constantly but start to agree on a few things. like, they both like the same tv shows, they’re both crazy competitive rules lawyers with board games, and they both hate ronaldo, who comes up to their house to play lookout and constantly bothers them about “totally seeing aliens” in his telescope.

eventually they finally just talk things out, apologise to each other for all their grievances, and yellow admits that she’s actually happy living on earth with blue, and it feels more like home than homeworld did. and then they hug it out and fuse. we would’ve had a few comics here where i might’ve taken questions for green zircon. then she’d hear ronaldo coming up the hill to do lookout, panic, and unfuse.

they’d both go inside, do some stuff, then hear ronaldo freaking out outside about spotting a “real moon alien”. they’d just roll their eyes about it but he’d insist they come look. and then they’d see lapis on the moon. ronaldo runs off to get steven, while blue gets really excited that she might see her friend again. when steven goes up to the moon, she tags along. lapis still leaves again, and steven tells blue about his dream, causing her to go into Theorising Mode.

blue obsessively goes over the evidence while yellow teases her for being a crazy conspiracy theorist, and she figures out that pink diamond was rose quartz and cracks the whole mystery. then like 2 seconds later steven knocks on the door and sits them down to explain the whole story. he doesn’t even get to start saying anything before blue’s like “in a second, can i explain my thing first?” and basically explains to him everything he was about to tell them. and then stevens like “uh yeah u got it.” and blue gloats at yellow that she was right while yellow pretends not to care.

garnet has her wedding and the zircs go, yellow doesn’t really hate the cgs anymore but she doesn’t feel hella welcome around them but yeah she goes anyway everyone has a good time. the diamonds show up, pretty much the same as in canon, i hadn’t really figured any way the zircons might impact stuff as i couldn’t see them fighting. they’d probably just hide tbh.

when everyone goes to homeworld, yellow goes with them so she can visit her friends and tell them how she’s been. blue decides to stay on earth so she can catch up with lapis, and also bc there’s not really anything for her up there. pretty much the same as in canon, yellow is not invited to the ball and she doesn’t want to go bc it’s not her place, she splits from the squad and goes to the zircon quarters to chat with her friends. she would’ve changed back into her uniform.

so we’d basically just be following yellow and seeing what life on homeworld is like for a zircon, the living quarters etc etc. as well as the kind of friends she had and her old life and stuff. i had an idea that gems like zircons that access databases can basically connect to the homeworld internet, and yellow would’ve known when they were almost at homeworld bc she would’ve suddenly got three trillion notifications from all the texts people had been sending her trying to find out where she is.

we’d also go back to blue on earth. she’d chat with lapis and they’d reconnect, i’d also have lapis and peridot talk things out bc they left on a sour note. also bismuth would get to know blue bc they never met. then they’d get the steven message and go up into space to help. while everyone else is going to the diamond fight, blue would go to find yellow and make sure she’s safe. they’d meet up in the zircon quarters, check everything’s alright, and the other zircons would be like “um yellow why r u hanging out w that loser lol”. then the chapter would end with all the zircons noticing white diamond’s ship blushing and being like “wtf”.

there’d be an epilogue thing set at the little party that ended the season. i didn’t plan to go into the movie or SUF (the whole plot of the movie would just be the zircons hiding in their house going “wtf” at the giant injector planted right in front of it lol). i guess in SUF they’d just be living their best lives.

((Something else i spent an alarming amount of time thinking about my entire life this morning: Jack killing Chase. Its just... w o w, ya know?

((The concept is just So Good. I was mostly thinking abt it in context of this au... n since its mostly likely not gonna happen it doesn't count as spoilers n i get to talk about it HA

((SO basically i was just grooving to my music n one song, cant remember which, got me thinking about how my Chase can get Obsessive about his Apprentices every easily. Hypervigilant, Paranoid, and Proud all at the same time as they improve and improve. But its so easy to lose track of why hes doing this in the first place.

((On the Xiaolin side, you train an apprentice, then you set them loose n you fight evil together. Done and done.

((On the Heylin side, its less simple. Chase cant just set him loose--that's what Hannibal did with him, and again i say: look where that got the bean. Chase doesn't want to repeat his old mentors mistakes. He'd need to keep Jack in check, somehow, and that is MUCH easier said than done

((So of course Chase is going to resort to presenting Jack with the chance to join ranks with Chase's cat warriors once he's reached his Peak, or close to it. The only problem being that Jack... did not expect that, and is not in any way going to accept it. He's Jack Spicer, Evil Genius Extraordinaire, now with Super Powers--he is NOT going to bow town and be Chase's pawn in that way. He demands an equal position.

((Now imagine Chase taking the rejection hard.

((Chase spent YEARS training Jack into a warrior even he was reluctant to face in true combat, gave him most all the things he asked for--financed his mother's life so that she could divorce Jack's dad and finally life the life she wanted to, bought and gave Jack any and Every resource he asked for to tinker and invent with, spent time growing fond of him, attached to him--only For Jack to throw it all in his face and jump ship the moment he finally asked for a "true" show of loyalty.

((I imagine thered be a fight, then. In the citadel, Chase planning on MAKING Jack swear loyalty--or kill him trying. And Jack just wants to get out. Major bonus if Jack doesn't really have any idea just how good of a fighter he really is, because Chase would ignore and hide his wounds whenever they 'sparred' (quotations bc they Were legitimate To-The-Death styled fights, no holds barred, but without reaching the actual death part)--so Jack is Terrified that hes ACTUALLY in danger of getting killed when really hes prolly gonna be fine.

((Jack managing to get Chase trapped under a bunch of metal from unfinished projects in the lab he'd been given, grabbing what he could and hopping into one of his many transportation modes to Leave--and go to the monks. Bc sure, its been years since hes seen em, but theyre still the good guys, and he definitely thinks he'll need some back up.

((Young adult Monks and Jack finally having a proper reunion, its awkward, theres lots of questions, lots of answers and explaining, and it leaves the Monk's brainfried over just how much they Didnt Realize was going on and totally skimped on checking out.

((They get one night of restless sleep, Chase waiting till the Next night after that to finally attack, hoping to catch Jack asleep or alone--Another fight breaking out outside because Jack had been on call with his mom and wanted privacy (n better reception)

((The ruckus waking up the other monks n they come stumbling outside to save Jacks ass only to see him holding his own Just Fine with a bunch of Fancy Shmancy metal bending

((Teamwork makes the dream work and they all manage to get Chase to leave--but not before he says smthn Ominous and Threatening and Jack's anxiety spikes so bad he passes out.

((They go to Fung to ask whats going one. He reveals he knew Jack was the Dragon of Metal the whole time. Everyone considers murder for a moment--but Fung will survive to see another day.... this time.

((And then everythings good and the gangs all together they way it should be, The End.

((EDIT; WOW I GOT OFF TRACK FROM THE ORIGINAL IDEA MY BAD I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY THOUGHTS

((Just imagine jack killed Chase in the courtyard fight before the zmonks could intervene l. He cries and Chase cries and its a horrible tragic heartfelt moment. The end prt2

Dear Cade,

(i realize i never put dates, so i’m going to start w that)

4/20/18

2:26 A.M.

So you texted me. I wanted to call you the weekend before and you were really cold towards me. That really upset me and so I kept telling myself, LET HIM TEXT YOU FIRST. Then i found out you deleted our new years pic together. That shit hurted. SO i was really thinking you moved on. It hurt for a little bit, but I got over it. I am seeing other people, putting myself out there, making friends. Then i’m cracked out on aderall and you snapchat me YOU MISS ME? what the fuck. and of course my initial response was snarky but then I freaked on you. you didn’t reply, even though i responded three minutes after you sent it. your phone was going straight to voicemail. Usually when you say you miss me, i get happy and excited. I feel better about me missing you all the time. But not tonight. maybe its the medicine, maybe its the birth control. Maybe its just who i am now...but I got MAD. Like pissed. Why do you just pop in. And not even just pop in, like randomly text and then just don’t respond. 

Everything about you is so sketchy. I don’t like you anymore. There’s not air of positivity or happiness around you. I still love you and would do anything for you, but you just remind me of all the bad times now. Your presence has morphed into sad memories, and anxiety, and fighting, and cheating and hurt feelings. 

I don’t know how to not think of you that way, other than over time. I’m trying to let you mature. I’m trying to let us move on to see if we come back to each other or not. BUT YOU WONT LEAVE ME ALONE. summer is in 3-4 weeks. Can he not just stay in his lane. There’s nothing to be done now. He’s already caused enough damage and i’m over it. 

I miss him like crazy though. There are so many things I want to tell him. So much shit is going on and I don’t know how much I should even say. I just honestly don’t think I should tell him the deep shit. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I want to always have back up plans and people on the back burner. I want to never get hurt by this asshole again. He has caused too much heart ache for me to be happy with him. 

Honestly, I’m just going to focus on me, and not get invested. I’m going to workout and work and go to school, and remember MY GOALS. This time is all about ME. and MY HAPPINESS. this summer is all about WHAT I WANT. last summer was so hard with him and I am just excited for boat days, and seeing my friends, and relaxing. UGH FUCK YES. 

things i want to tell him. 

I miss you being my friend more than anything. I obviously miss the sex but not as much as your companionship. I think that says a lot about how I’ve changed. or maybe our sex is just ruined for me tbh. I got two kittens. On a complete whim. I needed love and affection, and theyre precious. Their names are oscar and olivia (but we call her olive). Grace was super against it, and bitched me out, and now she loves them almost more than me. But she's not the one cleaning up after them....yet. We’re keeping them there over the summer. 

I’ve also been doing coke..kind of a lot. I like it a little too much. It just makes me wanna talk forever and idk. Just really boosts my mood. I have it under control and I don't think i’d ever buy it. 

The reason i wouldn’t buy it, is because my aderall does the same thing. PS. i now have aderall prescribed to me and grace is a fucking fiend. I wish she didn’t know i had it but there wasn’t a way around it. Its annoying. 

I miss cuddling with you and random hotel nights. I miss making jokes and talking about our futures and traveling. I still dream about you almost every night. 

I think i told you i bought a juul. I’m obsessed of course. I have a little case for it on my phone and everything.  

I’m feeling so much better about Ole Miss. I am a little too excited about finding my people and finding friends of my own....it’s weird. I think its strange I'm hanging out with people I've met outside of grace. I love it. 

I’ve had a couple break downs about Grace, because I know somethings coming. I can feel it stirring, and I think either over the summer, or right after she graduates, she's gonna go crazy again and it terrifies me. The thought of losing my sister makes ME not want to live. Even though she can be a cunt, i don’t think i can live without her. I get these dreams/visions of it sometimes and i wake up in such a panic. My new friends make fun of how much I track her and talk to her. A lot of them don’t know the reasons why, because who wants that burden on them? right? lol

Like when people have found out, its just a shit show. They just feel bad and try to “relate”. And its just a very unique and strange situation. I just get annoyed with help...so now i just don't ask for any.

Also, before you snapped me, i was organizing all of my spotify playlists and me and you are on the cover of my voodoo 2016 playlist. That truly was the best times of my life. 

However, I keep thinking about something that I need to mention that has really hurt me ever since I came to this realization. When you did acid at voodoo in 2016, I catered to you. I realized you were out of it. No matter how embarrassing shit got, no matter what crazy things or requests you were making, I did it. I was trying to make you comfortable and realized you were fucked up. However, this past voodoo, when I was blackout and doing a bunch of apparently “crazy shit” you were mean to me...because “I wouldn't remember” Those were your words, not mine. That really hurts me, knowing that if I’m in need and it’s an inconvenience to you, you’re not going to do it for me. I told you so many times that I was going to pass out and you didn’t do anything about it. You weren’t sweet or compassionate. You were just mad i was messing up “your good time”. I don’t know how to deal with that or what to even do with this information, other than to just tell you that its how I feel. 

Anyways, I do want to catch up. I hope we can be civil and hangout this summer. However, I don’t think I want to do that whole act like we’re dating but not dating thing. I want the freedom to do what I want. I don’t want to hookup and get back to where we started. I just need to be single,but I wouldn’t mind being friends with you. 

But i do miss you....