today has been the most monday ever at it's not even 1PM

I need like a diary to write in, I've just felt so BLAH today; yesterday was long and tiring, my family wasn't able to help me or spend time with me for our church Christmas party, I felt really alone. My period also started yesterday which wiped me out even more, on top of the 8 hour work day, and kept me tired all day today.

My family didn't even come to church this evening with me, and they don't feel good so I'm not mad at them, I'm just disappointed again. I was in charge of the children's Christmas play practice this evening, which went very well, but also again: very tiring. There's also just like, 5 church members who are sick/hurting today and maybe it's just being emotional time, but I felt extra burdened for them and just feeling worried on their behalves, and it sucks

And my 6 year anniversary with Bram is on Tuesday, but we have to practice with the kids for the Christmas play again on Tuesday, which I don't have an issue with , but when Bram heard he got a little grumpy which made ME a little grumpy because I was trying to give SOLUTIONS like: we can go on a date tomorrow instead of Tuesday, if you feel we will be rushed

And then he mentioned that he's trying to get back into playing a video game with his friends every Monday (which he hasn't done for months because we haven't had GOOD INTERNET but he chooses 2 mONTHS BEFORE OUR WEDDING to start that again, ok) AND he already played it with them yesterday.

I have a lot to say about that but I wrote it all and deleted it twice lol but it's fine, he offered to watch a movie with me tomorrow, which insinuates he's not gonna spend time with his friends, he's choosing me hooray; I used to be really codependent (maybe I still am) during our ldr, and I'm trying so so hard to be conscious about it and let him do things away from me whenever he wants. But gosh it really bothers me how many hours he's planning to play video games weekly, and FOUR dnd campaigns that range from bi-weekly to monthly, when our wedding is so close. Like I'm really bothered but where is that line of me being rational or me being controlling. Idk where it is, that's why I don't say anything and just yell inside my head

Anyway this week was long and hard and today was tiresome and then he went to bed tonight without staying up to say goodnight to me; again it's ON ME, because I was trying to not leave my grandpa alone too soon. And Bram wakes up really early. But idk. He chose a shower and laundry over talking to me in the other house with grandpa and that's not a WRONG CHOICE, I'm just emotional and sad and tired and grumpy and I don't wanna go to sleep cause then it's Tomorrow that much sooner and I'm not ready to start another week. I have to buy new tires and get my blood drawn and play the dnd at someone's house an hour away even though I want to do 0 of these things. I wanna rest and not dedicate any more weekends to things that are not wedding planning or resting UGH