3am thoughts

but

uhm... jesus n judas... food as a common love language but judas got stomach problems

sth sth judas's grief at not being able to stomach the food jesus gives him while being very aware of it. judas's hatred of his body for doing this to him, of god for giving him such a cursed existence. why can't he just eat like a normal person why

sth sth jesus being supportive of him and tryna find other ways they can bond. cursing his Father in heaven why He made the one he loves have to suffer like this he is only human why why why. he is crying and judas is crying and they are both frustrated and tired and don't know what to do.

sth sth they can never get as close as they wish they were, there are other gestures of love but no other that they have in common. yearning to be in the state where there are parts of them in the other's body, the blood wine and meat bread goes untouched as they curled into each other, skin touching skin but never deeper. maybe if they close their eyes they would melt into one another sharing their bones and flesh and blood inseparable.

sometimes jesus wants to tear judas apart just to be able to reach his bowels and maybe fix him from inside and judas wants to tear himself apart just to be able to consume and keep some part of jesus when he is inevitably closed back up. and then they reel back from shame and never discuss their thoughts to each other because judas already made clear that he doesn't wanna be fixed (it's a long time ago he is waiting for jesus to ask him again) and judas is terrible at trying to reach out and ask for help (from shame from doubtfulness from whatever's going on inside his head)

sometimes they wonder why they're still together

and judas still can't eat