I stg guys every week margo/Sergei gang gets fed a bit more…I mean not as much as last week, but we got them passing information to each other through mathematical equations??? What more could we want???

Reflection

hey journal!

i just had a really good talk with jason and I’m glad. I’m crying but it isnt a sad cry. It’s more like a realization and acceptance of it all. I definitely think God has been speaking to me a lot today in ways that I didn’t expect. And I am both glad and grateful. Let’s see, I started the day by jamming out to Dear Evan Hansen in the car with Natalie this morning on my way to church after training to Fullerton from my apartment! Then I played with some kids before service through volleyball and they helped me serve/hit! Haha. We all need some more practice. Then we listened to P. William speak about how God loves us and will always embrace us! We learned about the Prodigal’s son and how God’s unconditional love for us will never cease! When we come back to Him, He feels joyous! And I thought to myself about how hard it was for me to realize this today because I grew up never really feeling like my parents loved me so how could someone as awesome and powerful as God, ever see anything worth saving in me? And a few points definitely stuck out to me but I kinda brushed it off like usual because no one ever discusses the sermon after service. I always try so hard to defend myself. Like when P. Dubs mentioned when was the last time we truly repented and I immediately thought to answer my freshman year of high school after I felt so bad for rejecting God for so long after all that He’s done for me. And I felt prideful in that and like I was better than all those that either never repented or hadn’t done so in a while. And I just really need to stop judging people and think more about how I can best serve but loving them! But I ate briefly with Songbee and Eunbee and Eileen and later the graduate student from UIUC. And I got along with Songbee pretty well as per usual here and there and just made joking remarks with each other.

Fastforward to Chinatown. I felt bad for not inviting the graduate student and I was beating myself up all day about various things that I could have done but didn’t. I could’ve reached out to the grad student and invited him to join but I didn’t. I could’ve come up with a fun fellowship game but I didn’t. I could’ve spoken up when I didn’t agree with what Angela said but I didn’t. I could’ve invited Catalyst to join Movement for a game but I didn’t. I could’ve reached out to Joshua more but I didn’t. I could’ve boldly walked the streets praising God’s name but I didn’t. I could’ve helped out a homeless man but I didn’t. I could’ve tried harder to talk to Daniel but I didn’t. There were so many things that I could’ve done but didn’t. And especially after feeling convicted to act on a more impulse decision after the leadership retreat, I felt so terrible that I was doing the exact opposite of that.

And especially on the bus ride to Vision School today, my anxiety was acting up real bad and so was my depression. I thought of falling deep into a depression and pushing everyone away and believing that no one cared about me enough to see if I was okay and would just leave me be and fester in my own weakness and sadness and sin. I thought about if I gave Jason my phone to look something up and the last search result was a noose and he would boldly tell everyone that I was suicidal in a joking manner when in reality, I was and I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I wouldn’t be able to return. 

It’s not my parents’ fault that I never felt loved by them. It happened and God placed me here in this time for a reason and I trust in Him. He wanted me to experience these things so that He could better use me for His Kingdom at this opportune moment to use me to do so something.

I need to work on apologizing without giving my reasoning because there’s no need to. There’s no need to save grace or try to defend myself. The bottom line is I hurt people and I should take ownership of that—regardless if it was intentional or not.

While at Chinatown, I read a little bit of “Discipleship Defined” and it talked about how we cannot measure our evangelism by the results or how many people are saved. Because by doing that, we are both putting the burden of people’s lives on our own shoulders and implies that we had something to do with their salvation when in reality, it was always God bringing them back home. And we were just the tools that God used to do so but it was never about us. It was always about them. And that was so hard for me to comprehend, especially because I feel as if I’ve always lived my whole life trying to me good enough for my family and that’s a large part of why my work ethic is the way it is now and why i feel like I can never rest. But after feeling so welcomed during the intermission today while really in my own head about everything, my mind suddenly cleared and I was able to focus on the lecture. And seeing and hearing about so many people who willingly signed up to be tortured and take on these huge tasks and still want to dedicate their lives again for these people was so amazing to hear about. It really made me realize how much God’s heart breaks for the people that have never heard the Gospel. And it also made me realize that regardless of what happens to me on this Earth, the end will be death for us all. Maybe my life will be one of suffering or extreme persecution or something else and if it is, so be it. I want to learn to be bold and proud of who God is in my life. So confident that even if my team and I are on a mission and the government threatens us to bow and denounce God, I can stand to rise and proclaim my faith in Him. I can say, “Do what you will to me. Let me be the scapegoat. But I know who God is in my life and I pray that you would come to know Him as well. That His overflowing love would make its way upon you and you would come to know and understand the love that is Jesus Christ.” I want to die serving the Kingdom. That is my dream. 

I walked home afterwards and sang some songs that came to mind and at times, my voice did quiet when I saw some people or I would pause my prayer as to not disturb others or have anyone think I’m a crazy person. But as I did continue the walk home, I grew louder and more confident and pushed myself to be and do better and I did! And I just really think God has been telling me that it’s okay to rest and to just be because who I am is enough for Him. I don’t need to earn His love because He already loves me anyway and I need to understand that. I can’t always help everyone. As much as I want to, I can’t. Because maybe I’m not meant to change their life but someone else will. And that’s okay because that is not my burden to carry. 

Oh your grace, so free Washes over me You have made me new My life begins with you

It’s your endless love Pouring down on us You have made me new My life begins with you

Oh we’re free, free Forever we’re free When death was arrested And my life began

Yes we’re free, free Forever we’re free When death was arrested And my life began

I need to learn what it means to just serve as I am because who I am is enough for God. The effort that I put forth is seen by God and appreciated by God and that’s really all I need in this world. I’ve been so quick to judge others for what they do or don’t do or how they treat me instead of trying to understand the hurt behind their heart and why they feel like this. I should be actively trying to serve instead of judge and criticize everyone!

I got home and had a pretty fun time with my roommates whilst discussing logistics about adding Rhyarna to our lease as a fourth roommate. And then Jason started calling me on Facebook messenger and I was confused why. So I quickly answered and left Eliza’s room to take the call and it was the big “conversation” he wanted us to have. He gave me a lot of disclaimers beforehand and I was confused and kind of afraid why but he basically told me how people have been feeling about me lately and thinking back, he’s totally right. I definitely own up to everything he said. I only wish people felt they could talk to me themselves but I was happy to be hearing it regardless. A part of me is always afraid that I’m being judged and criticized by Angela, tbh. And I think it’s just her own insecurities coming out in the form of judging others but it’s definitely one of the biggest worries and fears. But my biggest flaw is how I would often times listen to someone’s issues and instead of just listening to be there for them and giving advice through words of affirmation, I would turn the situation to myself and just selfishly share about my own experiences. And my intentions were never to hurt them but I think because I lacked my own support system and always felt like I was taking in everyone else’s problems, I wanted to have the opportunity to share my own story as well. But in doing that, I degraded others and made them feel less than. I pried too much and tried to force shells open when they weren’t ready to be opened. I just need to know my boundaries and be more self aware of everything and I do think I have gotten better but talking to Jason made me realize that I still do it at times without meaning to and I just need to be more conscious of that. It isn’t my place to push people open and it isn’t my place to share when it isn’t about me. People’s uncomfortableness had just made me think back to my family and how I would always feel discouraged from sharing with them. I’m a very independent person because I had to be. And I am really glad that I’m able to share life together on a deeper level with Josh, Johnathan, and Jason. I don’t want to intrude on their guy time and understand that I won’t always be a part of their group but I really am incredibly grateful for each of them. They all have something different to offer and I do as well. I always felt uncomfortable whenever Angela was so quick to judge others and the toxicity of her heart made me feel really bad as well. But yeah. Even on the phone with Jason just now, I’m realizing when I didn’t have to respond or say “I” but I did anyway. I do feel a lot more alone than I originally thought and not having anyone that I really trust to share all these worries and insecurities with does feel suffocating at times. But I really am hoping to grow deeper in my relationship with the other people in MAST and really hit new levels of closeness together. Jason also mentioned how I hurt Chaeweon by saying how I would’ve handled a situation that she went through and basically degrading her and making her feel stupid instead of just being there for her and re-assuring her. I think there’s a difference between being comforting and just telling people what they want to hear. There is a time and place for the harsh truth and there’s also a time and place to just be there and comfort others and I’ve definitely gone for option #1 at inappropriate times. And I do think about her sometimes and wonder how she’s doing but I am glad she felt comfortable enough to talk to Jason about it. I thought we weren’t really friends anymore bc I overshared. I didn’t realize I had hurt her twice. I did apologize on Facebook rn and I hope that was the right move to make. I remember in middle school when I passed word to Johanna and I guess I wasn’t supposed to and I still remember that now as a result. And I am always afraid that it’ll happen again.

Not everything is about me. I try so hard to be the center of attention because I never am at home. It’s all about balance and developing healthy relationships so that I do have people I can really share my struggles and joys with. And maybe that’ll be with MAST and maybe it won’t be but I do strive for that and want to find a strong community where I feel like I belong. And so far, my small group for Vision School is starting to take that route and I’m excited to see where we’ll go. 

I am definitely way too prideful at times and I am really glad that Jason talked to me today and for bringing me back down to Earth. Thank you for sending him God. Everyone feels like they can trust him bc he’s a reliable, kindhearted, genuine person and I am really glad to have the opportunity to know him. Thank you God. I know that you’ll use him in such incredible ways in the future. Thank you.

I pray this all in Jesus’ name.

Amen