As the summer holiday approaches, I beseech you to stay hydrated! Avoid long-term exposure to the sun and remember to take breaks in these sweltering months.

Friendly reminder that a dementors kiss, while quite chilling, is not a healthy way to beat the heat.

Marge dearest, I am looking at you.

How I sleep knowing I've destroyed the local economy:

*A small white duck in a doctor outfit waddles into the Hospital Wing, scrambles to jump onto one of the beds and settles down.*

Quack.

You should know that Marge is terrified of ducks; she was bit by one as a child and she's never recovered emotionally.

I've been informed that my wife is on top of the ravenclaw tower.

Just leave her there. If she got herself up there she can get herself down.

I hope the dawn of the New Year was delightful for you all!

I had to bail Marge out of jail, which was surprisingly a first.

Please do not borrow ducks from muggles, especially without asking.

It's way past curfew on Halloween, the library is dark and ominous. Just as agreed, a small figure wearing Slytherin robes shows up, hood over its head. It follows the shadows away from the candles when it approaches you.

"I remember you mentioning something about trying the potions back at the Halloween party," says the hooded figure and takes out a vial: it looks the exact same way as the ones you've seen in the ballroom earlier today. The voice of the Slytherin sounds suspiciously close to that of one of the prefects who was making sure that nothing bad happens during the event.

"I saved you one," the prefect says, setting the potion on the table. "But for the love of Merlin, Marge, no destruction of the school's property!"

"This is all rather suspicious..."

*downs the vial in one go*

*salutes*

*passes out*

Marge, do you have any absolute favourite spells? Any stories connected to them?

When I was a seventh year student and Noreen was starting her apprenticeship at Hogwarts I would leave her little notes and she in return. It was all rather scandalous, a student pining over a staff member, even though she was only two years my senior and my former tutor. It was imperative we kept things discreet, which is awfully hard for me, so Nori taught me Aparecium.

Aparecium is a charm that reveals hidden messages. We still use it from time to time for the nostalgia!

Did you already begin planning your next holiday, and if yes, where would you travel? I hope you meet some wonderful pidgeons there as well!

Noreen and I take turns planning holidays. Since I chose the Bahamas, it is her turn to choose our next vacation destination. I'm sure she's got something fantastic planned with many pigeons.

I ship you and Marge so hard!

Ship? Unfortunately Marge gets seasickness, we will be landlocked for our impromptu vacation if that is what you mean.

Fantastic news, Noreen and I are going on holiday in two weeks!

I've been told to touch grass so I must find the most fantastic grass to touch.

@ask-nurse-blainey I have unironically pulled a muscle. Help.

Dear Nurse, did you ever think about treating animals as well as (in addition to) human?

Let's say a person was transfigured into a wolf or a gold fish. And they get a cold. And, I don't know, there is a splinter involved! Would you treat the animal yourself because it is actually a human who understands your speech? Do you ask Professor Sharp to give a transfiguring back potion/potion against cold? Talk to Professor Weasley about transfiguring the person back? Call for Professor Howin to deal with the splinter? Or do all of it yourself?

Like, what is your method when you suddenly get a clear human turned animal with immediate pains (splinter) and long-term pains (like cold)? Are the other teachers somehow involved, too?

— A curious 5th-year

For liability reasons unless the animal is mine (ie. a pet of mine or Marge up to no good) I try not to interfere unless absolutely necessary. My coworkers are very capable people and I trust them completely. If you have any animal incidents, I am confident they can help!

Mister Sharp is a werewolf, he's the perfect teacher to ask.

Remember kids, always read over what you're signing.

Professor Black just accidentally signed contingency control to Marge in the case he is unable to lead. If anything happens to him, Marge would temporarily be instated as Headmistress of Hogwarts.

I hope his boils don't get infected, Marge is not going to be able to manage a school.

Don't you look divine with your adorable red ribbon~

Marge doesn't use words like divine to describe me therefore I must refuse these anonymous advances.

*slaps printing press*

This bad-boy can print a whole lot of love letters for my wife.

*A letter squeezes underneath your adorable cap.*

The letter reads:

Dear Nurse Blainey,

there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I hope I will be the one that you want to take back home and mount.

With love, Dirty Diana

No.

*tosses unwanted letter into hearth*