One thing that was very interesting to me in this episode is the way Eddie was just... not joking about Buck's love interests.

That stuck out.

Usually when Eddie talks to Buck about his love interests, it's with an edge of fond exasperation, teasing laced around his gently delivered truths, but there was none of that this episode. Buck told Eddie he went to see Natalia and it was like something switched. Eddie's entire affect changed when Buck started talking about Natalia. He went from being loose and easy (as loose and easy as one can get when standing at a grave) to being... not combative, necessarily, but visibly actively not wanting to engage in conversation about her either, and it's not...

It's not even jealousy!! We joke a lot about Eddie and jealousy, but it wasn't that at all. It was a fatigue that comes with silence, that comes with holding your tongue, that comes with keeping secrets. Especially when Buck said that he feels like Natalia sees him. That look Eddie gave him immediately after? That was pure hurt. That was him saying I see you too, I've always seen you. But he can't say that. He can't say that, because to say that would be to say so many other things about the way he sees Buck, and to say so many other things would mean to have to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth about the ONE thing he's been holding onto ever since he was shot.

I don't know. I don't know, but I think Eddie taking Buck on a date and I think about how Eddie left his son—his heart—in Buck's care so they could bake cookies together (which becomes profoundly more significant in an episode where Christopher was talking about baking smores with his mom), and I think about Kenny saying Ryan has been doing some very nuanced work in the back half of this season, I'm like

Oh. Oh. I see it, thank you. Loud and clear.

Your answer to the ask about the will got me curious about your take on something:

Sometimes I'm convinced that Eddie knows about his feelings for Buck and has been at peace with them. But he's been at peace ONLY because he has absolutely NO intention of ever telling Buck. For all of the Eddie-logic reasons: Eddie sees himself — sees being loved by him — as a burden; he doesn't believe he deserves to be happy; happiness is just not something Eddie gets to have in full (of course Chris makes him so so happy, but Chris being "the one good thing" that Eddie has going on is manifestly unhealthy and ultimately not good for Chris).

He simpky never has any intention of telling Buck how he feels, and is utterly convinced that is the right thing. Just like he never had any intention of telling Buck about the will. Eddie is confident and clear and at peace with both of those things, but only insofar as they will never see the light of day.

But then Eddie got shot and Buck went and forced his hand. So Eddie had to tell him about the will. Something about how the will and Eddie's feelings were locked away in the same chamber of Eddie's heart. And now it's unlocked...

Anyway, your thoughts on Eddie's awareness of and relationship to his feelings about Buck? Or anything else on my ramblings? Always excited to read your thoughts, especially about what on earth goes on inside that head of Eddie's...

Ay @yramesoruniverse what's happening? You want to talk Eddie Diaz, you say? *cracks knuckles* let's get to work then.

I could stand on my soapbox and wax poetic about Eddie Diaz's psychology until my voice cracked and my legs gave out, but I'll do my best to keep this succinct.

Eddie Diaz deserves a recovery arc. And when I say recovery, I don't just mean reckoning with his PTSD, I mean everything that entails: his mental health, his self-awareness, his innermost selfish desires, his long-term view of the world and his place in it. He keeps such a white-knuckled grip on his control over his life. We've seen this backfire in his relationship with Shannon and during the street fighting arc. Inherent in this control, though, is denial. Denial that things are going wrong, denial that he is hurting, denial that he can feel things besides the guiltshamefear that follows him like a shadow.

I've been rewatching Ted Lasso since the newest season released, and a character has a spectacular line about vulnerability and relationships. She says it is, "opening yourself up to be attacked." I think this is so on the fucking nose with Eddie Diaz in multiple areas of his life, but especially concerning any potential feelings toward Buck. Both of these boys work so hard to control the way they are perceived by the world, even though they steadily tear themselves open for each other, and I don't know, something about suddenly realizing how exposed you are to someone else, how thoroughly they understand you as a living being on this earth, can be terrifying.

The will being set a year ago is just so . . . there's something so suspicious about it but I just can't put my finger on it.

But, yeah, I agree with you, I do think the guardianship scene was him "unlocking" that part of his heart. I think it was him "opening up to be attacked" by Buck, laying this raw and vulnerable piece of himself on the line. I have no idea what they have planned for his character moving forward, but I deeply want his arc to integrate his recovery from his series of traumas with this notion of embracing vulnerability and putting himself in a place where he has no control, where he is putting his heart in Buck's hands, where he can't shield himself from the hurt, and where he just has to accept the unpredictability that comes with it.

Or maybe I'm just a sucker for some good Eddie whump.

It's hard to tell these days!

SaL anon here bestie and, well, THAT happened. And as much as the "it's what needed to happen" and "it's not forever" arguments may be true, it's a shitty note to end on before the hiatus when people really could have used a win this season (sorry, this will be a negativity rant). Between this and,with everything I find out about RNM me being inclined to watch S4 through Malex gif sets instead of live, my tv obsessions are bringing me down, but I have a song for this episode if your up for it?

So I was really hoping to get to this last night, and I'm SO glad I wasn't able to because today has had some...interesting developments. Plus an extra night of sleep and a little distance from the episode always helps! I'm sorry you're shows are letting you down! My brain has said "nothing but 911" so I'm way behind on any RNM news but I can't imagine it's anything good 🙄 so imma save that for another day.

I'm actually really excited for what is going to happen with Eddie in 5b (which I may change my tune when we start seeing the episodes, but for right now, it's exciting), because we have been literally begging for this man to address his trauma and now he's really getting that push he needs to start. The scenes with Eddie and Chris in this last episode were sooo good and the actors did a phenomenal job. It was such a gut-punch to hear Chris yell that his dad could be dead next year. Like, what a heavy burden for a kid to carry! But trying to remove himself from the situation and pretend like the danger doesn't exist I think is going to backfire on Eddie. Because Shannon died in an accident crossing the street. Chris and Buck nearly died in a natural disaster. Buck and Eddie were both injured as part of revenge plots that are not indicative of the normal perils of the job. The only time Eddie himself has had a really close call at work was the well incident, and possibly the house explosion. And in both those cases, he was saving kids. Specifically, young boys. Young boys who likely wouldn't be alive right now if it weren't for Eddie. This job is what he is meant to do, and I think when he's able to talk about allllll the trauma and start addressing it, he will be coming back and he will be better than ever before. And Eddie with a pep in his step looking 1000lbs lighter? Eddie who is no longer repressing everything and is ready to start making choices that make him happy because he's learned that he can't make his son happy if HE isn't happy as well? I can't WAIT to see him and I have a feeling Buck is only going to get more smitten.

Speaking of, as good as I think this is eventually going to be for Eddie, I am concerned about how bad this is going to be for Buck at first. However, Oliver Stark, my absolutely fucking beloved, really came through for us with those interviews. My main thing I'm most excited to hear, is that "fun Buck" will be back. 5a has been so heavy and while in previous seasons we always got some good firefam hijinks, the team is so fractured that even those aren't quite hitting like usual. And I think that, while Eddie is still working his way back to the 118, Maddie and Chim coming back is going to be a huge weight off Buck's shoulders. And if that "huge wrench" comment is anything to go by, Buck will also be losing the weight of an emotionally draining relationship where he can't open up or get the support he needs. I mean, it's not going to make suffering through it until it ends any more bearable, but it's nice to know Oliver has been suffering with us and also is ready to move on. Fingers crossed with more main plotlines going on, there won't be too much of a focus on bt (one of those instances I'm more than okay with "telling" and not "showing") and knowing the big conflict is in 5x11 already, just 2 episodes after Buck thought she was breaking up with him? With a more brief time jump in universe than usual for midseason? I for one, cannot wait.

I know it was a little disappointing because 911 is usually pretty good about heading into their hiatuses on a relatively high note and this was...not that. But at least they didn't tease us with not knowing if Eddie/Ryan would be back, and in fact made sure we went into the episode knowing Ryan was already filming for 5b! Hopefully I was able to ease your mind and negativity a tad (at least for 911. I don't even know what's going on with the woo wee woo show and at this point, I'm a little afraid to ask), and hopefully the low numbers and continual backlash will mean a quick exit for tay kay and Buck setting himself free.

I AM a little bummed we aren't going to get to have the hopeful January White talk yet (maybe next Christmas when Buddie get together? The episode is called Cold December Night and the Michael Buble song lyrics are utilized to their fullest potential. 911 writers room, you can use this idea, I wont' tell), but I would LOVE to hear whatever song you've got for me! Even a sad one, because I'm still riding high off all the Eddie "Huge Wrench" Diaz memes, so I'm prepared for whatever you've got for me! (Famous last words?)

Oliver kinda confirmed that Buck doesn't know about maddie's ppd, which means he's not a part of that storyline (he absolutely shouldn't be! Buck needs to focus on his own healing and help Eddie along the way). I'm just so happy to hear that because Eddie and Christopher need their Buck now more than ever and i was afraid maddie was going to take away his attention from them.

No, Anon, this is not the energy we're looking for! This is the exact opposite of every point people have been trying to get across recently!

You can't say that it's a good thing that Buck isn't involved in Maddie's PPD storyline because he needs to "focus on his own healing" and then in the same sentence, saying he needs to help Eddie and Christopher.

Look, I'm a Buddie fan, but not like this! I can't wait to see Eddie's recovery arc, and the part Buck will play, but it is Eddie's arc. Like he will be at the forefront of that, I can safely say a good portion of that won't include Buck.

You know that Buck can love more than one person, right? Like he can also be there for more than one person, at a time, too.

For example, in Season 3: He was there for Eddie, post his illegal streetfighting phase, but he was also there, at the drop of a hat, for Maddie after she saved Tara's husband. That was the same episode!

Maddie would not be "taking away his attention" I'm sorry, but that's such a toxic belief, it's basically like labeling her as a burden on her brother because she's suffering from postpartum - that's not what we're going to do here! That's his sister, the one who constantly fought for him to have a better life, and if you don't think Buck would drop everything to help her as soon as he found out, I can't see how we're watching the same show.

Buck may not be involved in Maddie's storyline, the same way that Chimney will be, but he's will be in some capacity because Maddie's his sister, the woman who essentially raised him! Also, we know from that interview that he'll be interacting with Jee-Yun soon, so he's definitely going to be involved, and that's a good thing!

The Buckley Siblings look out for each other. And guess what, Buck can also look out for Eddie & Chris.