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#no bcs i was doing emotionally decent earlier but i just rmbered smth n i feel like crying again
noxtivagus
·
2 years
Text
nah fuck
#delete later
#when i said i was okay i genuinely was fine save for the physical pain but
#how quick words that were once truths turn into lies huh?
#ah fuck i want to block out the whole world. i want to destroy it all. it's all so fucking worthless
#maybe hormones r just fucking me up rn n i'm just emotional but
#no bcs i was doing emotionally decent earlier but i just rmbered smth n i feel like crying again
#i want to disappear i want to hide i want to say goodnight
#stupid mood swings . n i rmber again abt all the things i have to do rn & i want to focus on myself n my work but
#it's september rn right?
#two years ago i think i was in a similar predicament where i was drifting from both reality and fiction. from my life in general
#distancing myself from others. stuck in that oblivion
#i don't know why i've been more keenly remembering 2 years ago recently.
#nah actually it's probably bcs they were the friend grp i had back then that i cld really share n be myself freely
#but they knew the good n bad of me. ultimately decided to let me go in one of the darkest times of my life
#which damaged me for a while bcs i struggled believing i was deserving of better but i ultimately became my own best friend
#but that time in general was. a time where i was alone. deep in my passions. idling my time
#a bit empty a bit lost. not exactly sure what i was doing in my life but i was content being alone before i realized how nice it was to
#share yourself. if i wasn't alone then i'd love that again but in times where i'm tired n drained i just make even more failures
#n i'm not sure how to face the ppl i care for when i'm dealing w the guilt of not doing more of what i could be capable of in a moment
#from cringe tumblr stuff to irl problems. they supported my writing in a time where it was hard for me to have consistent inspo/motiv
#nah every year i swear i meet new people n the story repeats. different ppl different chapters but same trope
#last year with ffxiv. mostly the only ppl i talked w for the year ever since joining that fc in june. n to october i barely talked w others
#this year i've been more attuned to my reality but i think i've been slowly losing sight of a part of myself that was strong
#when i was alone. but i'm afraid that i'll experience that emptiness again from late 2020 to early 2021
#video games in general & ffxiv specifically helped fill that emptiness. it healed me.
#i don't rmber much in those months other than ffxiv bcs i was still numb from smth unexpected that happened in earlier months
#april i was stuck in the free trial n though i was enjoying myself i rmber feeling so lost n falling behind. finally buying on sale saved m
#i'm too tired to think abt the present or future rn but that feels like a failure on my behalf n i can't rest
#but then it also just still hurts. the same things. my friends are closer with others. when have i ever been the first choice?
#everyone's special though. i'll keep on being myself then surely what is meant to happen will fall in time
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