anyways happy pride to all my high risk queers out there, to all my disabled queers for whom events aren't accessible to, to my immunocompromised folks who can't risk attending events where people aren't masked or taking covid precautions! happy pride to my fellow cripqueers that want to be out there fighting and celebrating with their friends and family and can't because it's not safe for them to do so– you're not alone and you deserve to celebrate too. we all do.

i think my views on the kotlc characters have changed a lot as i've gotten older- like when i was younger, around 11 or so, I was a lot more opinionated (and hate-y) towards some of the characters, particularly Keefe, because I saw these Cool Older Teenagers and assumed that they should be able to deal with these things rationally- and then when I was like 14 and around the age of the characters, I had calmed down a little bit and still saw the characters as annoying, but they had their reasons for not being perfect

and now i'm older than that, and my only view is "these kids are so traumatized and they do make mistakes but my GOD, it's because they have no support system whatsoever, I can't really hate these kids, because they're literal children! they are kids, give them a break"

you phrased this so well I am in awe, nonsie! there's this progression of opinions you form on the characters as you go that's shaped by how mature you are at the time. that's not to say 11/12 years old are inherently immature, but just three or four years can make a huge difference this early on in life, and someone who is 16/17 is going to have a very different perspective. it almost feels like middle grade years are the formative years where you shift from being the child who just reads and enjoys it all, to realizing that there's actually outside influence and implications of these worlds. it's like you take off these rose colored glasses you weren't intentionally wearing and suddenly everything actually has a lot more to it than you thought

i can distinctly remember when I first started reading the series (I would've been like...ten) I was actually annoyed with the worldbuilding...because it was exactly what I wanted to write in my own story, and I didn't want to accidentally plagiarize. I literally couldn't think of a more perfect world than keeper, and I loved all the characters and just went along with everything that was written because it was fun and didn't think any more of it. And while I personally didn't have a lot of strong opinions, it was really easy to just hear one thing and go with it. There was actually another girl at my school who read the series who was strongly sophitz, and there wasn't any reasoning behind her argument other than that's just what it should be. So I think reading the story at that age makes it really easy to fall into the "exuberant child who doesn't understand all the nuances of fandom and social media just talking loud" stereotype--you know, like with the all caps screaming about ships and hating characters with no meaning behind what they're saying? I know I've done some of that in the past (and it is incredibly embarrassing to think about, ngl), so please don't think I'm trying to shame or demonize these kinds of people. It's just an observation that people like that are almost always young and grow out of it.

and then when I moved away from that, I mostly kept quite and saw them as my peers, which made it a lot easier to see them as annoying but be less vocal about it. and I think I also separated myself from the story a little more and realized that not everything negative people saw with the story meant that I was a bad person for enjoying it. because I do enjoy keeper! as much shit as I talk and problems that I have with it, at the end of the day I talk about it because keeper means something to me. Being Sophie's age (which ranges from like 11-14 in human years, I think), and especially on the older side, was like a transition into being more critical and aware of the series. I'd read more things since then and just had more experiences, so I no longer idolized the world Shannon had built, but I didn't become more critical of it other than the occasional "hey logically how would this work?" thing. I'd read stories with more complicated plots and more sophisticated word choice, so now keeper and its characters weren't this huge inspiration, though I did still follow along with what a lot of other people said.

but, just like you, now I'm older than Sophie and more in the middle of the friend group. and it's just "oh fuck these characters need help." like the ramifications of all these experiences is going to be serious, and also I'm not as invested in certain characters or things I want as I was when I was ten. I'm not desperate for a pairing or for something specific to happen, I'm just curiously observing how things happen. I don't think I can hate any of the characters (Mr. Forkle and Oralie I do hate, but I also appreciate that I hate them and their contribution to the story even if it is almost entirely in nuance). I genuinely think I could say something positive that I legitimately appreciate about any of the characters in keeper, or something that makes them interesting to me. Ah. I think that's it. The characters are interesting to me now as opposed to just being a vessel to get the story someplace. Their mistakes are no longer annoying but realistic and develop their character, and I like seeing what happens to the story instead of being upset something went wrong. I don't idolize the characters anymore, I guess is a way I could phrase that.

because they really don't have an effective support system, and they really don't know what they're doing. and they're dealing with things no one their age should have to and it's going to have an impact. and I think I'm now more welcoming of that impact and the ramifications as opposed to putting the whole world on some pedestal where I can't recognize it's faults without being personally attacked.

at least, that's how things have gone for me. it may be different for others and that's fine!! just some of the things you described felt similar to my own experiences in fandom and how my perception of the story as a whole changed. and it's really interesting to look back and see how you've changed in regards to the story!!

note: a lot of this was me talking about my own experience, but that's my attempt to show I understand you. not trying to just make it about me !!

End of Eva. --more wordbarf

ngl, I have a hard time talking about the mental things and my associations with them. I often brushed them off when talking to Cory about it. I was tired and processing stuff last night, but did the same, essentially, when it came to writing.

I had it pointed out to me that there was a very influential figure to the story, Sigmund Freud, so I took a look at his history and what he had done with himself. Thanks @culinary-criminal !  

It’s definitely worth a read, and I can see the influence. One thing I had pushed out of my mind in favor of taking in the emotional ride for characters, was the whole thing with Rei and Yui.  I got mad and upset with Gendo for touching Rei that way, because by that point, she was starting to feel like her own person than a copy and a tool to be used. I was seeing her as a teenage girl finding herself. That, and there’s the glaring thing of an adult touching a young girl. ALL THE RED FLAGS. It was hard  not for my mind to go to the nope zone with Rei’s reactions and, well, y’know, where his hand would go. 

There had been reminders every so often that Rei was a Yui clone. I had kept that firm in my mind up to a certain point. I think that point where I could mostly set it aside had been when Rei sacrificed herself to save Shinji with the halo angel. It had been in my mind, but not bled together as much. I did have my moment of ‘ew no, that’s your mom. THAT’S YER MOM’ during the Instrumentality where Shinji and Rei were alone, yet, with what subtle things she went through in making her own choices and doing her own thing, I was able to take Rei as her own person than... Yui. 

Don’t get me wrong. It’s still weird. It’s still something I can’t fully accept, but the narrative for the human psych and everything led me along more strongly than settling on that visual intimacy. I took it as a closeness to the narrative of individuality not mattering any more. Everyone is one.

I had noticed imagery of sexuality too, but again, strung along by the very, very abstract telling of Instrumentality’s beginnings before essentially the Rapture took everyone from the world. I think about it more, and take it as imagery for the female body, and motifs of maternal instincts, than anything sexual.

++Adding in that Cory reminded me of a strong motif I picked up on too, the imagery of fertility and birth throughout the show. Umbilical cables, characters essentially in a womb when piloting EVAs, and curling up in a fetal position when vulnerable-- and more and more and more-- and god this show has so many rabbit holes to fall into for discussions.

But! Back to Freud. Freud had a very interesting life to read about, and some yikes times too. His research led him into discovering a huge resentment he had for his father, and apparently lust for his mother and her touch. Sound familiar? Sort of? It’s interesting to take away from the story of Evangelion.

I still can’t bring myself to take that away from the story, whether it was intended or not-- as interesting as it is, and very obvious that Anno drew from this man’s studies for his show.

 One- jfcno.NO.   

Two-  I think too much about the character Shinji and what he went through. He was so young when he lost his mother; at an age where earliest memories start to stick and feelings and individuality really start to come out. He was five.  His father abandoned him. He had, really, no one to give him proper care and an upbringing.  It’s plain to see for how hyper-sensitive he is and completely dysfunctional when it comes to getting close to anybody.

His mother’s dead.  His father’s suddenly gone. What sort of headspace does that create? All he’s known is a loneliness, and didn’t have a mother-figure in his life to care for him, nor a father. I just... can’t accept that any awareness of gestures or things that reminded him of his mother made him lust after her.  It was an unfamiliar thing, and all he could associate those kind gestures to was the last one to give it to him, and the last he trusted with that sort of care-- his mother. In regards to Rei, I take it to be set up for a reveal that she’s a clone and help prod at her individuality. 

There’s a scene in one of the earlier episodes, before Shinji has his ‘rebirth’. The kid is orangejuice. He’s having repetitive dreams, the three female figures in his life asking the same thing, over and over, and supposedly leaning into him, to be One. Cory pointed out to me that it had to be something more than lust and wants with the three women. I felt that way, given the words they had to say and portrayel, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It ties really close to Instrumentality, fleshed out more in the end of the series. I feel like his mother was stuck in a very contained Instrumentality given the lore/bond of Evas, Humans, and angels; and trying to communicate with her son. He fought to make his own choices, struggled-- but overcame them-- for the time being.... ish.

I can’t accept Shinji craved a mother’s attention and further mirror Freud’s history. I’m hanging on more to stronger receptions Shinji had to figures like Kaji and Kaworu, even if the latter was maybe doing it as an objective as an Angel to mess with Shinji more than actually have compassion. Shinji craved a warmth of caring, and very much clung to it. He didn’t do that with any of the woman figures. He pleaded and wanted from Asuka later on-- which, yeah, that masturbation scene. Yikes.  It became a theme of wanting and dependence, that deteriorated by the end, the very end. 

It was wrong, very wrong, but it’s also a conversation piece. Teenagers go through tumultuous times. In this world, the apocalypse is coming, and this boy has so much pressure and things weighing him down. How easy is it to latch onto simpler, primitive wants and thoughts?

Given what I heard about ‘something between Shinji and Asuka in a hospital room’, I assumed it was going to be something way worse. Even the character realized what he was doing and regretted it. Teenagers?? It wasn’t the first time such things were explored, and it wasn’t exactly consensual either when it came to Asuka kissing Shinji. It really isn’t comparable since one’s way worse than the other, but it’s there.  Teenagers???  I’m not defending it. It was bad. Lol. It’s just something to think about, that I think most explored at some point in their life in their own ways.

This kid is just completely dysfunctional. 

If I ever go back to watch the series, I will keep in mind what’s been learned of Freud, and what themes may be riddled with the overall arcing themes of mental illnesses. It’ll be some time before I pick it up again for another watch.

The series didn’t age well; there were times I wanted to nod off, or simply listen if I didn’t have to stay up to read it; but it is a work of art.  Not only animation topnotch when it mattered-- for its time, It leaves so much for people to interpret and have a discussion over. It opened my eyes to perspectives and a self reflection.  Weird as it is to say, I’m embarrassed for how I am as a person, when I hear negative reception to Shinji’s depression. I wish there was a way to convey how it to outside eyes, than just a frustration-- and without having to experience it themselves. 

It is selfish; it is nonsensical and a battle. It can be frustrating to see, and it’s just as frustrating to be aware but unable to myself out of the head space. There are lots that have that go-getter attitude. I crave praise and attention that I’m doing the right thing too, and unsure if it’s right or wrong. 

It goes to show a compassion and sympathy for others to experience a sympathy for the other characters of the show.  They’re there for that reason of awareness. Their weaknesses were revealed for that.  It’s better to have eyes open and aware that everyone has their problems, to care about what happens to these characters. Of course it’s frustrating to see someone not care, when you do.  Shinji failed on that; he was too far absorbed in his own problems to see it. 

In an extreme, survival instincts would have you care enough to act. Depression can take that away. Depression does make it too easy for the words and feelings of self hatred to come out. The easier it is, the harder it is to grasp onto positivity. But, mentioned before, perspective is such a strong thing.  When one can look for the good in life, they’ll find it. The world isn’t all bad, even with bad in it. 

How I got started in invitations

Doing my own version of the success graph

It’s crazy to think that I have been designing wedding stationery for almost 10 years now! My journey to stationery was not as simple as going from point a to point b, so I thought I’d get into it today.  Buckle up, this is a long post!

Me, wearing a shirt I designed and screenprinted. NGL, I still think this is a cool design. 

It all started back in college when I was majoring in art and design. I had chosen this major because I felt like it would afford me the most options in what I wanted to do, but now that I was actually in it, I felt like the major wasn’t providing me with a clear path forward. A lot of my friends were in graphic design, and I was really interested in the things they were doing - I started sitting in on their classes, and doing their projects on my own time. I pretty quickly decided that I want to switch majors, and started my sophomore year as a graphic design student.

I really loved my time as a design student, and I thought when I got out of school I would move away, work at a boutique design firm, and be incredibly successful by the time I was 25, at which point I would have a meet-cute with some hunky guy and get married when I was 30. To me, that felt like the clearest path to success and fulfillment.

What actually happened was a little different 

I started working at internships for design in college - I needed them to be paid, which meant that my options were pretty limited.  Boutique design agencies were totally off the table, as they pretty much only offered unpaid internships. I still feel strongly that if you can’t afford to compensate someone for their time, you probably shouldn’t have an intern, but unfortunately, that’s not the norm in the creative industry. While I was in school, I worked for a distance education group that was affiliated with my university, a teacher’s group, and my school’s sustainability office. 

A sustainability walking map I designed for my internship - these projects definitely helped me realize my love of print, and looking back it’s kind of nuts I got to own so many cool projects as an intern! 

Particularly at my last internship, I learned a LOT about working with clients, as I was the only designer in the office - it was extremely valuable to learn how to deal with people who weren’t approaching creative problems from at all the same place as I was. 

I also got to create several annual reports, which involved some sweet graphs. 

I would love to go back and sit in on some of the meetings I was a part of at that time… I was obviously very new to professional situations, and I’d be in meetings with 10-15 people, most of whom were middle-aged men, trying to lead them through a design process I myself was just figuring out. I’m sure I was not nearly as smooth as I thought I was, but I definitely learned a lot!

Making some truly puzzling photographic choices during this time. This suite was thermography, which felt v fancy for someone who had never done anything beyond a laser printer. 

During this time, I designed my first invitation suite for my cousin, Alyssa! Her support in such a tangible way means so much to me… I had no idea what I was doing, didn’t know anything about the wedding planning process, and thought the whole thing was easy - I was probably kind of obnoxious to work with, haha! But I loved seeing what I had made come to life, and it was my first taste of how awesome print design can be. I was sooo proud of these and so excited for her to send them out!

The hilarious part of all of this is that at the time, I distinctly remember my fellow students and I talking about wedding stationery and working for yourself like it was the lowest form of design possible… like these were last resort options for an actual career. Little hipster Alison had a pretty big dose of humility coming her way!

You know what wasn’t depressing? Adopting Caspian as a graduation gift to myself. 

Graduating from college was a depressing event in my life. First, I looooved college. I loved the fresh starts of a new semester, I love learning, and projects, and the library, and living in what felt like a little big city where you could walk everywhere - I was so sad to leave it all behind. Second, I graduated at maybe the worst time to have a nonessential job. Out of the 40ish people in my graduating class, one person had a job lined up after college. One. Those boutique design firms I was so sure I was gonna work for were straight up bare bones, like they weren’t even taking unpaid interns because they didn’t have enough work.  Lucky for me, I got to keep my internship at the sustainability office for another year after college, but I really kind of hated my life at that time… I was applying for a million jobs, not hearing back from anyone, I didn’t get to be a student anymore, and things were not going how I thought they should. I applied for so many jobs at that time, like literally anything: Victoria’s Secret (didn’t have enough experience), Starbucks (never heard back), a Segway tour guide (no explanation but not getting that job was definitely a low point). I worked random jobs as a babysitter/personal assistant, and cleaned my mom’s house for extra cash, I even took a disastrous unpaid internship for a few weeks (they told me they were going to be hiring a junior designer soon, so I thought that would be my way in, except my first day was also their new junior designer’s first day… and they had little dogs that pooped and peed inside, and whoever saw it first had to clean it up. They also had no work for me to do, it’s like the only thing in my life that I haven’t felt bad about quitting). I sent out hundreds of unanswered cold emails and started trying to freelance.

A website design I did way back in the day. 

I cast a pretty wide net at first for freelancing - I did websites, branding, random design projects, I started a greeting card shop on Etsy, and you guessed it, I even did an occasional wedding invitation. 

Branding for crackers - I was so proud of this project. 

At this point, it was mostly friends and family who were getting married, but I had a lot of fun with those projects and started thinking that maybe wedding invitations would be easy money (lol again at little Alison). After a while of doing this, my internship ended, and I started trying to make it work full time. I began to refine my offerings, and my now husband and I started focusing on creating websites for small businesses, and I also did wedding stationery.

A table number I created for a styled shoot before I was really even a stationer. I thought I was so slick with the foil paper. 

The wedding stationery work was fairly sporadic. I was focusing more on the website design, and that was growing slowly. The only problem was that I really did not enjoy it. Website design started to feel repetitive, I didn’t like working with small business owners, and I particularly did not enjoy the fact that website projects can literally drag on forever. Every time I thought I had completed a project, one more small to do would pop up, and so on and so on. Around my 24th birthday, I had a small crisis, one where I was like WHAT am I doing with my life?! I could not see a way forward with website design, and to be honest, it was suuuch a grind, I felt like I was hardly making any money, and I didn’t even really like doing it.

I remember being on a long walk with David, and just talking out all of my options. I decided I wanted to do something event-based, and extremely briefly thought about being a wedding planner, and then immediately realized that I would not be good at that at all. This brought me back to wedding stationery. It’s something I had some experience with at this point but hadn’t really committed to it, and it felt like a really good fit - I love weddings, I liked that the project had an end date, and I love print work. Wedding stationery also meant that I could play with unique printing methods that commercial print work often didn’t have the budget for, and I felt like I already had my foot in the door a little bit.

It was around this time that I also decided to ask my friend Gabie if she wanted to be my business partner. She was living in California at the time, and we had bonded over our shared love of stationery, and doing crafts for her wedding, so it felt like it could be a natural fit.

After Gabie and I decided to start working together, I also had a job fall into my lap. I started working at Videri Chocolate Factory as a bar wrapper, which was really perfect for me at the time since we were just getting One + Only Paper started. So there was a lot going on.

Our first styled shoot! Photo by Becci Ames. 

Gabie and I started out by creating a ton of sample invitations and staging a styled shoot at the Merrimon-Wynne House. This is also when I started getting into watercolor. It was a crazy time. Gabie was in the process of moving back to North Carolina, I was finishing up some last website clients, we were both working other jobs, and trying to get this dream going. I remember launching the One + Only Paper instagram account, and feeling so excited and discouraged at the same time… we had like 20 followers, all of whom we knew, and it was just like, will anyone ever hire us?

Our very first instagram post. S/O to the ten people who liked this post. 

Slowly we started to gain some traction, with small jobs at first, and then bigger invitation clients. More importantly, we got the business side of things set up (I say ‘we’, but honestly that was all Gabie), and slowly started to figure out a process, and how we wanted to work.

The weirdest part about all of this is that this is when I started to feel comfortable being a business owner. Back when I was freelancing, I was so adamant that I was a freelancer and not a business owner, I guess because it felt too scary? It’s crazy, because now I love a lot of the challenges that come along with being a business owner, but I felt so afraid to own that title for so long. I guess I had to grow into it.

Things were getting busier at One + Only Paper, and around this time is when Gabie and I decided to part ways. At least from my perspective, it was a positive step forward for both of us. Starting a business is stressful and intense, and a process that lasts for years, and we decided that it would be better for both of us if that wasn’t a marathon we ran together. We’re still friends, and I owe Gabie a lot - I know that One + Only Paper would not be where it is today if it wasn’t for her huge part in building the foundation of this company, and I will always be grateful for that.

After our split, I pretty much put my head down and started working hard to achieve my goals. I learned so much that following year. It was the first time I had to manage multiple client timelines, and I learned a lot about setting expectations, building relationships with my printers, and how to manage my time. The year after that felt like one step forward and two steps back - I was busy with clients all year, but I was also SUPER busy with clients all year. I barely had a minute to breathe, much less figure out how to improve my processes or do anything else to drive my business forward.

And that brings me to today! In some ways, 2019 feels like a fresh start for me - at the end of last year I had some time to reflect on what I learned in 2018 and put a few things I’d been thinking about for a long time in motion, and I’m super excited to see what the future holds. I’ve learned so much in the past couple of years, and this feels to me like the year that I’m going to put it all together and see what I can really do.

If you have made it this far, please leave a comment so I can send you a personal thank you note for reading basically my life story - Gretchen Rubin said it best when she said the days are long but the years are short. I can’t believe I’ve been out of college for almost 9 years now - I simultaneously feel like I’ve come such a long way, and like I’ve only just begun!

Hi! What books are you reading right now or any you would recc?

Hey there lovely! Gonna be honestly, I am currently in a bit of a reading slump. I think I overread myself in the first part of the year and as soon as I changed my Goodreads goal, it hit, so I am currently reading HP1. 

But I went through what I read this year to see what I can recommend (cause honestly, as soon as somebody says recommend me something, I can literally not think about anything but Harry Potter, it’s a problemxD), and if you’re into fantasy, I’d strongly recommend The Savior’s Champion by Jenna Moreci. It’s really amazing and fast paced and bold and I loved every single second of it. I read it soooooo quickly. This book really deserves more recognition and readers.

Another recommendation of mine would be the entire Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire. Those books have such unique and interesting stories and universes and concepts, I binge read them this year and I want more. I will forever want more of the characters and the stories and the different worlds we are introduced to in these books and I can’t believe we will have to wait until January to get the next book.

If you love period dramas (which I really really do, when I get in the mood, I just binge watch and read period dramas, ngl), I’d recommend Blackmoore by Julianne Donaldson. It was such a huge surprise for me, I did not expect any of the feels that hit me to hit me. I’ve pretty much sobbed my way through the last 50-60 pages or so when I read it the first time, and I reread it this year and all the feels and the angst was still there. I can really just recommend it.

If you are into sci-fi, I’d recommend the Themis Files Series by Sylvain Neuvel, and especially I would recommend listening to the audiobook of this. The entire story is freaking on point and magical and it sucks you in immediately. It’s told in interview format, with the occasional recorded audio of video diaries, but really mostly it’s interview and the audiobook has a full cast and sound effects and it gives such a unique experience to it. I know a lot of people don’t like audiobooks, and the story is amazing without it too, but if you are interested and don’t mind audiobooks, try it with that.

If you love contemporary, I’d definitely recommend To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han. It’s an amazing, cute coming of age story about a Korean teenager who writes love letters to the boys she ever had a crush on, and one day it gets sent out and it causes all kinds of trouble for the main character, but also pushes her to get out of her comfort zone, and I really just loved every single second of it. Also, the Netflix movie is coming out soon and it looks SO GOOD from the trailers, so this is the time to read the book if you haven’t yet.

And lastly, if you are into graphic novels, I’d recommend Nimona by Noelle Stevenson. It’s hilarious and heart-breaking and weird in the best way possible and it will suck you RIGHT IN. I don’t read a lot of graphics novels and the ones that I read, I don’t own them, but this one in on my shelf, which is saying a lot, honestly. It’s a wild ride but it’s sooo worth it!

i’m going to start off this post with an apology for disappearing again, especially before valentine’s day. i was trying to hold back from doing it so i could spend the 14th with you and finally ask you out on a date but my need to ghost prevailed and well. yeah. it’s been rough like it hasn’t been in months, (and i think you understood it since i haven't posted here in days) but i guess it is because i’ve been dealing with constant uneasiness? i���m actually not sure what’s wrong, though. do you ever feel anxious even when things are going well? like, you cannot sleep or focus on your work or do anything really because you’re too busy feeling overwhelmed? it’s horrible, especially when you cannot pinpoint the reason and so you end up just locking yourself away. we're going to blame mercury retrograde and not my mental health, tho. especially since sun and mercury are in pisces. 🤕 🤢 i’m sorry for being so distant both physically and emotionally and just... not being there for you. the worst thing about me ghosting is in fact not knowing what to say once i feel better. i can write here rather easily but the moment i have to dm you i feel awkward and guilty and i never know how to act... i’m not good at saying sorry but appearing randomly after days without saying anything makes me feel even worse, so i never know how to be. but anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about in this message. i needed to feel better the other day so i checked the padlet and found the message that you wrote a month ago… it hit me a lot and kinda really resonated with me. it sucks how late I saw it and I feel really bad since you opened up to me so well and idk, it’s like i looked down at your effort by not replying immediately, even though it was involuntarily. but i cannot just ignore it so here’s my (late) reply to all of that. first of all, let me tell you how much i appreciate the straightforwardness of that message. it gave me an input on how you have been feeling and it also made me feel closer to you, especially considering the fact that i can strongly relate. not gonna lie, I hadn’t cried (like, actually cried with sobs and all that shit) in months but i couldn’t even reach the middle of the message because i literally couldn’t see SHIT. knowing you have been struggling with these emotions is… devastating? to try and explain: it’s like the whole world came crashing down. this whole ghosting thing isn’t something i can actually get mad at you for, because i know how exhausting life can get and how comforting being alone can be. as you can see, i do that a lot, too…  which is why i make “excuses” for you. of course, when it gets to three weeks it stings and i do get annoyed at times . but it’s not something i will crucify you over? especially because it would be super hypocritical of me. so, please, don’t ever think that you’re “taking advantage of me” or whatever, because you’ve been nothing but amazing to me for the past years and i literally /know/ that i couldn’t do better than this even if i tried to. you’re one of the few good things in my life rn and if i haven’t gone completely insane yet is thanks to you too. and while i'm happy you do know that i sincerely treasure you a whole lot, i can't help but get worried because of you being insecure. you're human and like everyone else, you experience lack of confidence, and honestly i'm glad you told me about it. more than insecure, i’d say i’m way too paranoid for my own good. i often get ugly thoughts that try to make others look like they’re out to get me and i always have to stop, take a deep breath and remind myself that not everyone is trying to hurt me, but i also get those moments of "what if". what if i say this and sound weird or what if i talk too much about myself and make royal uncomfortable by coming off as vain. and there are times where i hesitate or straight up don’t post on the blog because i don’t want to burden you with /my/ emotions, so i understand that too well. but we've talked about this so many times: we both have to fix these problems, but you know it won't happen overnight and every single little step counts, even if it requires lots of courage and trust. i don't think you realize how happy it makes me when you reach out randomly or open up to me directly. it makes me feel trusted, worthy and useful, so please don't villainize yourself for being human and wanting to share your feelings with others. you're far from being toxic and you need to finally understand that you're not putting any kind of pressure on me and being able to help you, even if just by listening, helps me as well. we deal with situations and feelings that are similar and i've found a solution to my problems the times we've opened up to each other. but lol. that part right there about you being self serving pissed me off so fucking bad, you have no idea. when i say i cannot find a single flaw in you, i mean it. i know it might sound fake or exaggerated but it's true. you’re one of the kindest and most selfless people i know and it's hard to even imagine you as selfish or “self serving”. i want you to think for a minute. do you think you’ve ever done anything to me to get you the title of self serving? i have a really good memory when it comes to you and i can assure you are far from being that. you have NEVER asked for anything, you have NEVER made me feel wrong or treated me badly. obviously i don't know what happened in your previous relationship and even after * dmed me to befriend me and then ask me to deliver you that message, i’ve been meaning to ask you about your dating history since i don’t think i have ever seen you as upset as you were those times, but it felt like i was being nosy and out of place so i just sucked it up and moved on. ngl though, i have been curious about it. both because i want to learn something new about you and because i want to be prepared. i told you about keo and how he mostly affected my self-esteem, so i kinda feel bad for not knowing about what has affected /you/ in the past. folds hands. let me also add something. me being scared of confrontation isn’t an excuse for us to avoid talking directly about certain things. if we keep on avoiding any kind of serious talking 1) i’ll never learn how to deal with it 2) i think we’ll be missing out on a huge part of relationships and on the long run it will show. and i’m not exactly scared of confrontation. i’m scared of hurting you by saying something wrong. i get so defensive /and/ passive aggressive for no reason when i feel the mood shift and it makes me say really mean things just to get a reaction out of people. but i’ll never be able to fix it if i don’t start talking with my own partner. but still. you’ll have to be the one to bring it up if you want to because i’m still a scaredy-cat after all and i’ll never start anything. <3 you have also talked about me deserving better and it reminded me of all the times i’ve said you do deserve someone better and you said that you don’t care because i’m the one you want. it goes both ways, really. there is someone out there for me, even more than one person, but just like there is someone else out there for you too. but it literally does not matter to me if someone is waiting, because i don’t want them. i want You. you're the love of my life and my best friend and i seriously cannot imagine my life without you. i can promise you that i will be here by your side. we can be scared of being vulnerable together. LMFAOOOOO WHY IS THIS SO LONG I'M SO SORRY FUCK AND I AM NOT EVEN DONE SINCE YOU POSTED ANOTHER MESSAGE ON THE PADLET AND I WANNA REPLY TO THAT TOO. yes it takes me days to reply to one (1) singular message yes i live like this. anyway the latest message put me in such a good mood. your care package isn't here yet but i can already tell that it is going to work perfectly. but?! your hobby is literally naming pets after food or things and honestly? i respect that life. i still remember when you talked about wanting to get a cat to name it pancake. 🥺 i hope you took pictures of your friend's dog, though. 😡 and on god i knew something was gonna happen to you. kisses your wrist and puts a bandaid on it. the fact that you're still running around sleep-deprived and with a sprained wrist is so You. fucking sagittarius sun gemini rising headass. but OMFG I USED TO LISTEN TO THAT SONG WHEN I WAS A KID. you brought back so many memories. </3 while my baby was being a busy bee, i was busy being Lazy. my week has been kinda ok? i've been spending my days watching stuff on netflix but now i'm sad because i saw a possible spoiler of the drama that i am currently watching aND . I DIDN'T SPEND THE LAST FOUR DAYS CRYING FOR THEM TO PULL THIS SHIT. also since there is straight up a coronavirus outbreak in my region, all the schools are closed and the shops have to close down at 6pm so i don't have to work at the office this week! a win! kinda! if we ignore the reason why i can stay home! will that stop me from going out though? absolutely not. x today i went to the gym despite the warnings lolz and i even passed out so fr who's doing it like me! then i went grocery shopping and i napped for like 6 hours. i had an appointment with my old school's head master scheduled for tomorrow since we have to talk about uni and stuff but they cancelled it :/// so i'll spend my day maybe doing some work and Sleeping. anyway. this message is a big mess but  i mith you so bad and i feel so shitty for disappearing and i'm over being a ghost so! we're sleeping together tonight. :)