Local woman saved by edgy 2000s video games

i know i havent been posting in a while but i just wanna share these feelings bc i feel like tumblr users, more than anyone, will get it lol

life has been _so_ difficult lmao what with politics, covid, yadda yadda. i feel like my soul leaves my body on a weekly basis. mind you, i work in a company that literally sells mental and emotional health """solutions""" for bigger companies, meanwhile their own employees are scrambling. nevermind that though. i've been intrigued by the SMT/Persona design for a good while now. I played a bit of Persona 3 portable on 2020, and just started SMT 4. Today I finally got to research and look at one of the artbooks, a P3 artbook. And when I say I felt my mind aesthethically levelling up. Like, we know pokemon, right? We're used to creature design. But then I saw these: 

And I remembered I saw this one once:

Nevermind the SMT/Persona character art always makes them look like they were sculpted in marble lmao And I'm like. Yes. We made it. We're worthy of this beautiful art, we're making amazing art e v e r y d a y. Everyday bullshit will fade away (hopefully) but great art, great thousands of years of human history, before and beyond, and we've come this far. I had this same realization a couple months ago with Yakuza and how is feels like home even though I've never been to Japan. Because we're seeking those connections and making those connections every day through the arts. And I get how we need people in STEM, people in B2B marketing, people coding. And that's great. But we need more people *everywhere* making what they feel is valuable, not what governments or whatever feels is valuable. Because seeing these silly digital demons is what gives me life, so much more than whatever pills doctors wanna give me for anxiety or whatever lol. But then again that's my reality. I feel like the world would be a little less anxious if we could all have slow saturdays to appreciate the arts and reflect on how far we've come as people, and that we're not alone, and even the silliest demon gathering games can be such a breath of fresh air in the clogged up and polluted world we have in 9-5 lives...

Ok so like im still really really really new to this whole tumblr thing but I made this fanfic and i dont want it to go unread so uhhhh here

Elder McKinley x Elder price x Elder Sparks (you bc im dumb and started writing it as an OC but it doesnt matter)

“Hey, Elder Spar- I mean Y/N… Sorry. You know nevermind sorry.” McKinle- Connor, is still trying to get used to this. Well we all are. It’s kinda hard to call everyone ‘Elder ___’ all the time and then one day switch over to everyone’s first names. I never Even knew Prices first name was Kevin. I knew that McKinleys first name started with “C” but that was it. I told everyone my First name out of habit that I learned as a kid. It was easier like that. But this change was still so hard for me to get used to. It was just so weird. But we all had to get used to it somehow, someday. It was bound to happen any day now. That’s what you thought every night since you all had become Ex-Mormons, just as you snuggled up behind Kev and held Connie’s hand. They liked those nicknames, especially Kevin. But still, every morning you would wake up and the habit would still be there, like a Ram amongst sheep. It made you hate yourself for being one of the only ones still struggling, as is you weren’t making an effort. You tried, really really hard but you just couldn’t get it right. Eventually Kev and Connie got it, which had only left you still calling the others “Elder ___.” They tried their best to help me but they just couldn’t do anything that would help. You hated it so much, you wanted nothing more than to just be.. normal. It was like clockwork. You would see Arnold, “Hey Elder Cunni- I’m so sorry man I didn’t mean that- I-“ they would always stop me and say something like “it’s not your fault, it’s those homophobes fault.” Or “nah you’re good, take your time” and it just pissed me off. Well not them saying that but what they meant by that. It made me mad that they thought I needed more time. I mean I did, but it still made me kinda mad. Mainly upset. It was complicated. But they were all really patient with you. They did start to treat you like an autistic two year old. Like you were stupid and didn’t know shit besides “bright colors yay!” And it fuckin sucked.

Months after this behavior had started it stayed in place. You barely even got to speak most of the time, they would just talk over you or say something to you but then would let you or wouldn’t listen for the answer. It had been around 5 months since this started and you finally quit the whole “Elder ___” thing. Nobody would listen to you though. They just didn’t think you were worth the time anymore I guess. And then one day you were just so sick of this behavior. You were sick of being talked over and ignored like some random ghost or a nonverbal toddler. You felt so alone and ignored. Kevin and Connor stopped hanging out with you entirely. You wouldn’t see any of your friends for weeks. You felt like you couldn’t talk to anybody, as if you were completely alone. Which you were. You finally lashed out. Just a fit of rage that had been developing over the past months. You finally let everything go and went off on them.

“I- Hey- Guys- hello? Hello?! I- …YOU KNOW WHAT? IM SICK OF THIS SHIT. YOU GUYS HAVENT LET ME TALK IN MONTHS. ALL IVE DONE IS BE IGNORED AND TALKED IVER AND I HONESTLY DONT CARE FOR IT. I FINALLY GOT RID OF THAT STUPID ELDER THING AND YET YOU GUYS DONT WANNA TAKE TWO SECONDS TO LISTEN TO ME AND HEAR THAT. YOU GUYS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES, FUCK YALL.” And with that you stormed off and went back home to your apartment. You stayed in your bathroom, knowing that if Connor and Kevin actually did care they would come over. They know where the key is too. You locked the door to the bathroom as well after getting the key from the top of the doorframe. You weren’t leaving until someone, anyone, apologized. You refused to let anything get in your way. Less than 10 minutes later you hear people walking around in your apartment and then a soft knock on the door. So soft you didn’t think it was actually there, like a dumb hallucination thing that you had been having recently. “Honey? Are you in there? Baby I’m so so sorry…. Please.. come out. For me? For Connor?” Kevin’s voice came through from the other side of the locked door. You heard Connor whisper something about me crying but I didn’t hear the rest. I was still upset at those two in specific. They saw how I was being treated and decided to join in on it without asking if I was okay with that kinda treatment. It pissed you off something fierce. “Go away… I dont wanna talk. Just fuck off.” You yelled between sniffles from how hard you were crying. After hours of them trying to convince you out of the bathroom and endless apologies, you finally opened the door. You let them see you, standing there wearing the same outfit you wore when you three asked each other out back in Orlando Florida. It was the classic white shirt black tie with a pair of Mickey Mouse pj pants and a black jacket over it all as It cascaded down to your knees. The jacket was zipped up a little bit but just enough to where you could still see the shirt and tie. Your eyes were puffy and your mascara was clearly smudged all over your cheeks. You felt like shit and tears started streaming down your face again right after you saw Kevin and Connor’s faces. The pair went in to hug you but you pushed them away. “What the fuck you guys. I was clearly upset at the way I was being treated and you didn’t think to ask me before joining the rest of the group. I mean what the actual hell. It’s like you two just randomly left my life without an explanation.” You glared at them. The pair looked at you with sympathy and pain. “I’m so sorry-“ Kevin tried to talk, but you cut him off. “SORRY ISNT GONNA FIX THIS KEVIN. I DONT WANT A STUPID FUCKING ‘I’m so sorry please forgive me!!’ SPEECH. I WANT AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY YOU WOULD ABANDON ME.” You yelled at him. You didn’t want to yell, but you were just so mad at them. They abandoned you for no reason. Especially when you needed them nonetheless. “I- well.. um-“ Kevin barely stuttered anything out at all. “We just wanted to give you time to adjust… and besides. You never asked us to hangout either.” Connor managed to say without a single mistake. He seemed confident in those words despite you just yelling in their faces. “I DID. SO MANY TIMES. AND YOU TWO NEVER FUCKING ANSWERED. GO AHEAD, CHECK MY PHONE I DARE YOU.” I ripped my phone out of my pocket and handed it to them as my sleeve fell down onto my mid arm before I reached down and cover my arms quickly. I didn’t need them seeing what I had done in the recent months. What I had done a couple days ago. What I had done today. What I had done an hour ago. What I was doing less than 5 minutes before they showed up. My arms weren’t bandaged at all cause I didn’t care. I hated them and myself for being so recklessly stupid. The two checked our texts and then checked their own phones, jaws dropping when they saw that they matched up. They only read the text and never answered. You would see the notification that it was read and think they would type back but they never would. PART TWO SOON I PROMISE

okay so i tried to save this ask as a draft and it got deleted because tumblr is just such a functional website like that <3 but the prompt was “the hargreeves as ghosts in the apocalypse with five” or something like that i’m going to scream

this is SUPER long so i’m putting it under the cut hfkjsd

pre-five: the hargreeves siblings are dead. wait i feel a drabble coming on ooh

The Hargreeves siblings are dead.

Ben isn’t very aware of this at first. He’s been dead since 2006 -- he’s quite used to it, by now. What he is aware of, first, is light. Blinding white light. And Vanya, in the middle of it. He doesn’t close his eyes because he can’t feel pain, but if he could he thinks she would have made him blind. There’s light, and heat, and power, and then he closes his eyes anyway because the ceiling is collapsing around him and it’s instinctual.

When he opens them again he sees ash. Ash -- and Klaus.

He’s gotten used to Klaus, too. Klaus has a memorable sort of face; even if he didn’t, Ben has seen it every single day for almost twenty years. He doesn’t know if it’s actually been twenty years, for him. He doesn’t know how time moves for ghosts. Klaus has assured him it moves the same as it does for the living. Ben isn’t sure Klaus, stoned out of his mind, bleeding sluggishly from his arm, knew what he was talking about.

Anyway.

Klaus.

He’s wearing the coat he’s been flaunting around for the past week. His shirt is see-through, with little stars on it, like a pale imitation of the sky. Ben remembers his pants had laces on them, he’s sure they did not a minute ago, before the brightness that threatened to wipe out his very soul -- his soul is all he has left, really. His gaze drifts down anyway, to check.

Yes. Klaus’ pants have laces up the sides.

“No,” Ben says. Klaus is laying in a heap on the ground, his fingers curled like his tendons have been cut.

His lips feel numb because they always feel numb. Because Ben can’t feel at all. He takes a step. “No,” he says again, louder, surer. “No!”

Klaus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged, like it tends to be. His lips are bitten raw, like they tend to be. His hair is a mess, like it tends to be, and like it will be, always, because Klaus isn’t breathing.

Klaus is lying in a heap on the ground. Klaus is standing above his own body. Klaus is reaching for Ben like he’s hoping to touch him for the first time in years. Just when Klaus’ cold, dead, fingers brush his face, a voice from behind says, so quietly, dripping with disbelief: “Ben?”

Ben shuts his eyes and wishes desperately he could cry.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, for the first time in so, so long, but he also doesn’t feel it at all. He feels-but-doesn’t-feel someone turn him around, until they are saying, “Ben? Ben!” and he has no choice but to open his eyes and face the music.

Diego is gripping his shoulders like he is a dying man and Ben is the answer. Behind him, Luther and Allison watch them, stunned silent. Allison’s hands are pressed to her mouth. She looks like she wants to cry. 

And Vanya. Little Vanya, painted white. Her head is hung as her shoulders shake with the weight of the destruction she has so inevitably caused. (Ben would say he always knew she was destined for great things -- but he can’t, because he didn’t.) (Nobody ever said great things had to be good.)

The Hargreeves siblings are dead. Their bodies are strewn across what is left of their childhood home, smouldering and burning, and Ben is very aware of that fact.

righto anyway. so they have an emotional reunion but its also kind of bitter? id have to actually write this for it to make sense so lets skip it for now lol

five shows up

he cannot see them obviously bc theyre all ghosts

god if i did write this it would be such a monster of a fic and would take me like 2 years to finish i already know fhkjdsk

somehow ?? they manage to influence the world around them maybe? idk maybe now that klaus is dead hes sober

or maybe hes high for all eternity?

for the purposes of this au lets say he died sober or in the late stages of withdrawal, and bc ghosts cant feel pain in action hes sober

so EVENTUALLY they figure out how to corporealize bc klaus is like blam wham ghost powers

asdlfk that sounds so stupid im sorry

he would say that tho imho,,, it sounds like something hed say,,,

if i DID write this it would be alternating povs also,,,

ok so out of all of them klaus and ben have the most experience homeless

and while being stuck in an apocalypse is not at all the same thing as being homeless it does help to have some knowledge

five doesnt eat the twinkie!! good for him

dammit okay. theres 2 options we can take here. in the comics five couldnt get back bc he fucked up his math and spent 15 years doing the wrong thing, but if u apply that here, with 6 other ppl checking his work this could be avoided and they end up skipping the whole assassin shtick and just hopping straight back to 2019, ready to prevent the apocalypse

OR five still gets hired for the commission but the sibs are tagging along

i think bc five isnt completely alone in this au unfortunately dolores doesnt exist :((

for each other the 2 paths tho theres also options?? bc they (ghosts) can go back in time and inhabit their past selves bodies? OR they could just,,, cease to exist

IM JUST NOW REALIZING HOW MANY PATHS THIS COULD TAKE,, AAH FUCK

okay gonna split this into parts. this is gonna be so long brace yourselves.

1) they go back in time because math checking and the ghosts swap out for their past selves

after multiple years of being stuck in an apocalypse together i think they would learn to get along with each other. like at least a little bit

which would make it easier for them to prevent the apocalypse

bc theyd:

trust each other more

already know abt the apocalypse and not have to wait for five to grace them all with his knowledge

are working as a team from the very beginning

have open lines of communication

yeah uh. so there

vanya is also already aware of her powers so the whole harold goading her into turning against her family and snapping to wipe out all life on earth thing? yeah that doesnt happen

oh and harold wouldn’t know how to do that in the first place because klaus wouldn’t throw out reggie’s journal! this solves so many problems wtf

there’s still commission issues bc they (and by they i mean five) are on the commission’s radar

so there’s still dope fight scenes sdlkfd pinky promise

okay idk. they stop the apocalypse and everything is okay the end hfkjd

2) they fix the math but only five can go back and the ghosts cease to exist

this is just sad! it would be sad okay! im sad! lets move on

subset of the past one: ben CAN go back with five because he was already dead and time travel affects them differently or something idk

aaaaaa

five & ben dynamic duo would be dope as shit BUT five would not be able to see him... so they use klaus as a middleman fjsdsfd

is there 2 bens? is one ben deleted in favor of the time-traveling ben? i dont know! i dont know my brain is melting

either way shit is happening yall!! obviously klaus is clued in, directly or indirectly it doesnt matter but he is on board the ‘don’t let the entire world end in flames’ train

3) they join the commission and then when five goes back in time they all go back

this is fun because now five is a highly trained assassin who is also lowkey a complete marshmallow for his siblings and once again TEAMWORK WOO

basically the first path but now five has a gun fhsdjk

4) they join the commission but five has to leave them behind and they cease to exist

five with a gun but hes sad now

i didnt go into how much losing his siblings would suck in the prev path but like. it would suck so much. he’s already lost them once if you think about it when he time traveled the first time and yeah he found the adult ghost versions but,, its different

and now suddenly hes stuck with these strange adult versions of the people he knows and he KNOWS them but also he doesnt? at all? they dont have all the years of shared experiences together? and theyre all grown up from the first ‘set’ of siblings he had which for five was like 40+ years ago??

SCREAMS

i have losing my mind disease (self-diagnosed)

subset: five has to leave them behind but they still exist because the commission is out-of-time kind of? idk but they’re still floating around somewhere and come back to impact the plot later or something

yeah idk. literally just wrote them down bc i didnt want them to die^2 hfkjwehd

subset: they still exist but instead of being just Somewhere they’re specifically at the assassination of JFK onwards because thats where five left them and they either go on ghosting and make an appearance in s2 OR they cease because them-wise they havent died yet but that doesnt make sense because ghosts can time travel so nevermind

i dont have the brain energy left to explore this one aaaa

okay jesus christ i think that’s all

I DON’T KNOW. i don’t know. i might write some more of this because honestly it is a very fine flavor of angst + hurt/comfort <3

on hole

ok so this posts been a long time a comin’ but i finally feel like im drunk enough to talk about (and never shut the fuck up about) one of my favorite bands... Hole

hole’s music has meant a lot to me since i picked up Live Through This at some boring ass used cd store that also happened to sell erotic fantasy novels about good fathers. but anyway. holes music is for women with bad fathers. women who are kind of fucked up and angry about it, too. women who have trauma and scars and are kinda gross. women who were wronged but somehow by the grace of god empowered in the face of their horrible experiences. 

or at least it feels like that, dont it?

that was the main appeal of hole to me, anyway. i fell in love with this album around the second or third listen through. i was like, damn, shes pissed. it was so refreshing to hear a woman just screaming out her frustrations. how cathartic must it have been to be able to not only get it out, but also be taken somewhat seriously? of course hole never got the recognition they deserved. im of the unpopular opinion that they were waayyyy better than nirvana. without sounding kinda sappy... you know what fuck it im not apologizing to any of u. hole totally made me embrace womanhood. it influenced my own, much beloved way to just exist. 

but also i guess i just really love tunes. 

ps im not here for the courtney killed kurt debate lmfao!!

ok so heres the part where i write my onions about their four studio albums 

Pretty On the Inside

their first album and admittedly, my least favorite (that doesnt say much because i still really enjoy it). its sound is much more abrasive. love employs her most guttural screams in this one, but ill get to that. to its credit, its the most experimental but many interpret it as amateur guitar screeches and song bits just hashed together. and maybe theyre right! but what band doesnt have that not-quite-there-yet first album? its an unrefined, beautiful mess. A song title or two is spelled wrong. Garbadge man is one that comes to mind. and for some reason, its just... fitting. its an artistic mistake left in and its so dumb but thats the fun in it! thats the punk in it! they dont give a fuck so why should you? this album is a messy bitch. 

track im gonna nut about: mrs. jones

this song is apparently about a back alley abortion, and its just as brutal. love is screaming, just guttural sounds and expletives and nauseating lyrics. when i first heard it, i was absolutely entranced in the atrocity of it all. shes sweating, panting. i will follow you down the sick drain

other favorite tracks: teenage whore, good sister bad sister, pretty on the inside

Live Through This

their most popular album also happens to be my favorite! the start of it all...

i havent shut up about this album since day one because i just like it so much! she refines her skills and just comes out with a successful album that ties an array of horrible themes and wraps them up in a pretty pink bow. its soft aesthetic covers the dark, sickening themes that make the album. rape, anorexia, self harm, self hatred, violence, abuse... the list goes on. someone i one knew asked me why women with bipolar disorder and bpd love hole so much and i had to bite my tongue but to be brutally honest we probably like it because love had the nuts to scream about taboo themes that are so hurtfully common in our lives. just like how the depressed rally behind the smiths. oh that and the musics awesome. but anyway, the cover is a beauty queen the moment shes crowned. its supposed to represent someone who has fought, clawed, and fucked her way to the top. but look! shes the queen! shes the beauty queen! everyone will finally love her and treat her with respect! and all she had to do was sell her soul. all she had to do was get abused over and over to the point of breakdown. but she made it, didnt she? i mean, look how pretty the crown is!

favorite track im not gonna shut up about: i think i would die

im gonna be super lazy and just copy and paste what i wrote up one time when i talked about this song before:

wait nevermind i cant search for my post through my tag because tumblr is broken. something about breastmilk? ill update once i find it lmao. 

other favorite tracks: violet, softer softest, miss world

Celebrity Skin 

i dont have as many onions on this one. supposedly, love didnt want this album to become ‘the widow album’, but theres a song or two about kurt’s death snuck in there. this albums loud, but not nearly as angry as the first two. in fact, when shes not singing catchy pop tunes about how jaded she is, shes being sincere and heartfelt. all in all, its a fantastic album and my second favorite that hole has to offer. 

favorite track of the album: heaven tonight

ive heard two stories about what this songs supposedly about. on one hand, people say its about two lovers. the girl wants to lose her virginity to the guy, so she drives (recklessly) to his house and dies in an accident. she’ll never grow old, she’ll go to heaven tonight. on the other hand, i heard that love just wanted a fun song to sing to her daughter, frances bean. either way, it makes me want to dance. so idk if its about teenagers fucking or about a little girl who just needed a song, but its cool.

other favorite tracks: awful, celebrity skin, reasons to be beautiful

Nobody’s Daughter

years later, hole released their final album. when i first heard it, i was disappointed. the first track was great, but then.... i noticed her voice had deteriorated significantly due to her smoking and other vocal abuse. and i thought, damn, i really wish she released this when she was younger. she sounds normal when she screams, but i guess to compensate when singing softer parts, she does this kind of weird weird thing when enunciating that... ok i cant pinpoint or describe what exactly it is but it kinda sucks. ‘honey’ is the only hole song that i dont like very much, and its the best song to use as an example when trying to explain how her voice got all fucked. now, we cant all be bowie (whose singing voice only got better after years of smoking). but still. 

anyways, i listened to the album again, and i mean really listened to it. and actually! the smoker voice is the beauty of it! its a woman who is past jaded and past giving fucks about anyone or anything. its songs from a woman of experience. and she still sounds badass! her voice is so rough, she sounds like she could still fuck anyone up. its exciting. 

favorite track to get all sappy about: letter to god

i really found an appreciation for this song. this is a song about someone who cant be saved. and isnt that fucked up? youre so bad, so hated by all of those around you, but no one can hate you as much as yourself. and you try everything to pick yourself up but just nothing works. and everyone has their two cents in what they think will help you. but youve tried every med in the book and youve tried this and that and the other thing, and you come to the conclusion that you just cant be saved. youre drowning. so what do you do? you turn to god, a supernatural all-mighty being. but shit, i hope he can help you. because if he doesnt, fucking nothing ever will. so go write him that letter.

  i never wanted to be the person you see

other favorite tracks: nobodys daughter, skinny little bitch

and thats what i have to say about that!