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fart-gate · 3 years

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SGA

Season 5 episode 16

Notes by me

- johns taking ronon to the beach. just picturing ronon with sunscreen on his nose while trying to balance on a surf board

- oh? The camera lingering on john while he stares at Rodney and kellers lunch date?

- did I watch rodneys train wreck of a date proposal while smiling like an idiot? Absolutely

- she basically paved the way for him to ask her haha ITS OFFICIAL SHE LIKES HIM BACK

- "zero possibility for failure" I feel like youre wrong. Just a feeling

- keller looks so pretty!

- Rodney serving handsome looks

- I am a simple human. I appreciate seeing my science babies in formal attire 👑💞🥂

- keller told Rodney to lighten up or she'll turn this plane around

- why is Rodney so uptight about this like calm down my man

- AND NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!

- they must have had a pretty big budget for this episode if they got these two LMAO

- the Pluto fight

- they are just jerks i guess huh

- did Bill nye just call dibs on keller

- she said it was a first date!!! 💓

- this presentation is dramatic as fuck

- rodneys right this guys ego is huge. Almost as big as his HAHA im just kidding

- wait. Space bridge. Rodney already made that like twice

- this guy stole his idea!!! DILL HOLE

- god this guy needs to stop embarrassing rodney and listen to him. Like shut UUUPP DUDE

- you know what he deserves what he gets

- surprise! You were wrong and an idiot

- how did this dude find out how to make this device?? Did jeannie have something to do with it? I hope not

- "that son of a bitch" LMAO

- Rodney knows how to throw down. "How am I doing so far?" BADASS

- thats right bitch!!! Listen to rodney and never speak again

- stephen Hawking????

- cough bill nye is a terrible actor cough

- his bow tie fashion sense on point tho💅

- this asshole doesnt even care that this other guy almost died wtf

- yes they should use the whole ass room of smarty pants'!!! Thank you keller

- this is so fucking funny

- "I HAVE been listening to you and that is what led me to be believe that you are a MORON" DRAG 'EM RODNEY

- keller said suck it up or shut up!

- "NOT NOW NYE"

- keller convincing the dude to let her make the phone call💪

- ah shit the phones are dead

- uh???? Rodney giving his jacket to keller but the camera not focusing on it bc its supposed to be a backround thing👌👌👌👌 good directing choice. excellent tv show making. fantastic use of Small Moments Romance

- keller going to make the call and Rodney not knowing what to say when she leaves 😭😭💞💞

- Rodney being The Scientist Leader ❤❤❤ its what he deserves!!

- WALTER!!!!!!

- LMFAO did they call up the actor for that 2 second scene HAHA

- oh shit it didnt work

- oh fuck oh shit she cant get out

- theres like 7 minutes left and they have 4 problems to solve how is this gonna play out

- its tornado time!

- "I'm Rodney McKay alright? Difficult takes a few seconds. Impossible? A few minutes."

- "youre smarter than me!"

"I know"

He just Han solo'd this guys ass

- Bill Nye bitch slapping a man is something my eyes have seen now

- davids acting when hes trying to save her 😭😭

- 💓💓💓💓SMOOCH💓💓💓💓

- a love confession!!!!!

- HOLY SHIT "I love you. I have for some time now. Just wanted you to know." ISNT THIS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID TO HER!! IN THE VIDEO LOG CONFESSION HE DOESNT REMEMBER!!!! I LOVE THIS TROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

- omg theyre so cute

- Bill nye and mister asshole better respect Rodney after all this shit

- LMAO I guess when a man saves you from freezing to death you gotta lock that down in the back of an airplane first chance you get 👀

#stargate atlantis season 5 #all around cute episode and the scientists fighting was hilarious #keller and rodney!!!! so cute

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Rupaul's Bake Off ~ Hobnob

A/N: The great British bake off is so close i can taste it. People don’t know this about me, but i go into a hibernation like state whilst waiting between seasons of bake off. I then emerge from my cocoon as a sweaty moth, ready to watch some fuckin cooking and pound a few brews.

Alas, bake off moved to channel 4 and i can’t stand channel 4 it can suck my flaccid wang. Too many adds, I’m not about that life, you know? When i found out i looked my mum straight in the eyes and cried. She told me i was loved and held me tight. Thats the only intimacy i ever got from mum :(

I was craving some classic bake off, that really kept with the feel of the show. Bless mary berry that sweet old thing. She was faithful and stayed with the BBC! I burnt my paul holywood cookbook when i found out he was moving to channel 4. Liar!!! Dickhead!!!

Enjoy~ Hobnob

Ru: So then i said if those are your rates ill kill the child myself.

Ru: Shit we on?

Ru: Hello hello hello! Four weeks in, 12 bakers down to eight. They’re on a roll!

Ru: Welcome, to Rupaul’s Bake Off!

Ru: Alright ladies, how are we feeling today?

Laganja: Well actually i-

Ru: Hahahahaha thats wonderful!

Ru: For todays challenge you’ll all be making shortbread, and since our ratings went up by 4, we can actually afford real flour.

Trixie: We used washing powder. Magnolia Crawford died.

Ru: I hear your complaints. Magnolia’s family will be notified.

Trixie: Her body is still on the floor. We used her left leg for pie week.

Ru: Her death drop was sickening!

Ru: Are you ladies bready to make some shortbread?

*general mumbling*

Ru: Well on that note lets- WAKE UP PEARL.

Pearl: Im a dude that loves to snooze.

Ru: Gentlemen, start your ovens, and may the best woman, bake!

Pearl: where am i.

Ru: Alright Michelle what we looking for in a good piece of shortbread?

*Michelle grabs a tesco’s own brand tray of shortbread and cuts a piece in half*

Michelle: No soggy bottoms.

Ru: But Michelle i heard you love a soggy bottom!

*cackling from Michelle and Santino*

Ru: Now Santino, what are you looking for in a piece of shortbread.

Santino: I want to have a have a childhood flashback like in ratatouille.

Ru: Santino your fired.

Michelle: Its literally impossible to fuck up shortbread, I’m exited to see what these girls can turn out.

Santino: I think one of the contestants died last week.

Ru: You know michelle i completely agree. Ill be keeping my rye on them!

*more cackling*

Ru: Alright we only booked this room for half an hour get out.

Ru: lets see how some of these biological women are doin.

Ru: Sharon Needles, how it do?

Sharon: Hoh hoh its going great Ru!

Ru: Now I’m…seeing alot of plastic rings on the counter…whats that all about?

Sharon: See Ru, at greggs they serve their shortbread with fun plastic rings on top!

Sharon: I love greggs this is really a homage to that.

Ru: I uh…ok

Ru: So how about the Shortbread itself, how’s that coming along?

Sharon: I wanted it to have a spook-tastic theme!

*Ru nods*

Sharon: So i put live spiders in the mix.

Ru: Christ…

Ru: Alright ill let you get back to work thanks Sharon.

Sharon: Hoh hoh!

Ru: Katya, hows everything cooking?

Katya: Im making ravioli Ru.

Ru: But the challenge is to make shortbread.

*Katya leans in and whispers*

Katya: Ru ima level with you here, i ate all the flour.

*Ru sighs*

Ru: Alright can we get Katya another bag of flour?

Pit crew: We can’t she snorted it all.

Katya: Im so happy to be here!!!

Ru: For fucks sake. there were 20 bags of flour.

*Katya takes another drag of her cigarette*

Katya: Party.

Ru: Right Im going over there.

Ru: Leganjy estrangy, it smells great over here!

Laganja: Actually mawma its pronounced la-

Ru: Wonderful!

Ru: How are you approaching the classic shortbread recipie?

Laganja: Well mwahmah i baked my shortbread with pot cuz if it aint green i aint interested you best believe!

Ru: You smuggled marijuana on set??

Adore: Rupaul that was my weed she stole it!!!

Laganja: You fucking dickpig son of a spazzy cunt i didn’t take nothing.

Adore: You also stole my copious amounts of ketamine gurl, most unsportsmanlike…

*Laganja whips out her gun*

Laganja: You willing to die over this? Take it easy okuur?

*She aims the gun at adore’s temple and speaks in a soft voice*

Laganja: I feel very…attacked.

Ru: Oof i doughnut want to be caught up in this pickle. Take it easy…bake oven.

*Roaring laughter from Michelle*

- Ru: Sasha Velour!

Ru: Make this quick I’m running out of food related puns.

Sasha: Want me to give you a quick run-through of what I’m making?

Ru: Sasha you bread my mind!

Ru: Oh i do got more.

Sahsa: I really wanted to get an in depth look at the inner workings of shortbread.

Shasha: So my piece will be a deconstruction of shortbread at its essence.

Ru: Its… just the raw ingredients and you’ve painted 3 of the eggs.

Sasha: plus i infused the oats with the tears of a crying dove.

Sasha: Its the future of baking man. Don’t even trip.

Ru: I have only just met you.

Ru: But i love you.

Sasha: Right on.

*Ru checks her casio sports watch*

Ru: ALRIGHT LADIES STOP BAKING WE’S DONE TIME’s UUupP.

Ru: Time to judge this shitshow.

*Ru Michelle and Santino look at all the trays. Santino begins to cry*

Michelle: Uh- lets start with Trixie mattel’s!!

Santino: So first off its fucking pink. And there’s bits of glitter sticking out of it.

Trixie: Yeah that glitter isn’t edible.

*Santino, Michelle and Ru take a bite* Michelle: Why does it taste like regret and plastic?

Trixie: I melted 3 barbie dolls into the mix. I was feeling the fantasy.

*Santino begins to choke and collapses on the floor*

Ru: Sickening!

Michelle: Movin on.

Michelle: Bianca Del Rio, lets see what you made henny.

*Michelle picks up a tray of paper slips*

Ru: Tf is this.

Bianca: THEY’RE ALL INSULTS FOR LAGANJA ESTRANJA.

Bianca: I WANT TO SLASH HER FUCKING FACE.

Michelle: That went to a very dark place.

Bianca: I WILL ABSORB HER LIFE ENERGY AND RETURN TO THE SHADOW RELM.

*Michelle puts down the tray and looks at the rest of the trays*

Michelle: The rest of these aren’t even shortbread. Ru did you have to cast a group of twats, how do you fuck up shortbread.

Ru: Now seems like the perfect time to plug my new product.

Ru: It’s a literal piece of shit. Just a big chunk of shit.

Ru: Think of the…possibilities.

Adore: Did Santino die?

Ru: Now available on ebay. Bidding starts at ten quid.

Adore: He isn’t breathing.

Ru: While you think about the series of events that led you to this gig, the judges and i will deliberate.

*Ru looks over to Santino’s dead body*

Ru: Michelle and i will deliberate. ~

Ru: Alright so what do we think?

Michelle: Katya snorted all the flour then spat in a tray, Pearl is asleep inside the oven, Bianca keeps coming at queens with carving knives, I think i saw Trixie sample Katya’s tray of spit, Laganja has a loaded gun, Adore doesn’t belong here, Sasha is immaculate and i love her god bless and Sharon started coughing up blood.

Ru: The ‘steaks’ are higher than ever!

Michelle: And Santino Rice died.

Ru: Ive heard enough…Bring back my goirls.

*Michelle cackles*

Ru: Alright ladies…ive made my decision…

*Trixie raises her hand and Ru sighs*

Ru: Yes Trixie?

Trixie: Where’s Manila?

Ru: i-uh…oh shit yeah Manila was sposed to be here.

Ru: Manila?

*Manila pops her head out of a fruit bowl. She’d been disguised as a pineapple the whole time!*

Ru: Why you hiding gurl?

*Manila speaks through broken sobs*

Manila: Someone…someone left the cake out in the rain.

*shady rattlesnake noise*

Manila: I-I just don’t think that I can take it, coz it took so long to bake it.

*A single tear rolls down her pineapple cheek*

Manila: And I’ll never have that recipe again.

*Everyone hugs Manila and cries*

Ru: Mmm thats some good telly.

Ru: Alright I’ve made my decision…

Ru: Stacy layne Mathews, you are the star baker of this weeks challenge.

*Everyone applauds, and nods in agreement*

Stacy: Thanks. As they say back in the swamp, “i am in a swamp, but why?”

Ru: Preach sister.

Ru: Unfortunately…this is the hardest part of the competition…who will be eliminated.

Ru: So Im going to let Michelle Visage decide.

Michelle: Trixie you killed Santino Rice.

Michelle:…

Michelle: thank you. You are safe + immunity for next weeks challenge.

Trixie: Bitchin!

Michelle: You know what, ill cut to the chase. Hermione granger the stranger you can go home.

Laganja: mwwuuaaumahch, it’s pronouncéd lega-

Ru: Get out.

*Even louder applause as everyone else throws rotten tomatoes at a sobbing Laganja*

Ru: Thats not all…every guests here tonight…leaves with a piece of shit!

Ru: See you next week!

Ru: LET THE MUSIC PLAEEH!!

*Everyone shuffles about to the sound of ambient rainforest noises.*

A/N: It was me, tammie brown all along.

If you managed to stick with the entirety of this script you get a shank in the back plus free PPI congration!!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

#rpdr fanfiction #crack fic #hobnob #rupaul's bake off #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #magnolia crawford #pearl liaison #adore delano #bianca del rio #sasha velour #manila luzon #rupaul #santino rice #michelle visage #sharon needles #laganja estranja #stacy layne matthews #submission

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5hfanfiction · 7 years

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An Unfortunate Fortunate Coincident - Chapter Two

Camila’s POV

Pain. Pain. So much pain.

But pain is good. Because it means I’m alive. It means I’m real and whatever I’m doing right now matters.

So, I know I’m alive. I just don’t know why I can’t open my eyes. I can definitely feel all the pokes and pins of needles and peoples fingers. I can hear noises? Muffled but theres definitely something there.

I don’t quite remember what happened but considering the amount of pain I’m in, it had something to do with Nathan. Last thing I remember is me packing for Camden and I. On that note; where is Camden? Is she safe?!

“Mami wake uuupp!” I feel a dip in my bed and my beautiful Daughters voice. I mentally sigh in relief (since I can’t actually do so).

“Cammie don’t do that. She’ll wake up soon but you can’t jump on her.” I hear a VERY familiar voice and mentally scream.

“But Lolo I miss her!” I want to rip all these cords out hearing that name.

“I know. Soon baby. Come on, lets go get some breakfast.” That amazing voice raspy voice speaks through the room and I swear I’m dying on the inside.

The door closes and the room is silent all besides the rapid beating of my heart.

Lauren’s POV:

I can’t believe I actually took responsibility of taking care of my Ex-girlfriend’s daughter..

What was going through my mind when I said I was an old friend. Now I’m taking a 3 year old to get pancakes at 7 in the morning. Saying I’m exhausted is an understatement. I’m dead.

“Lolo can we get biscuits too!” Camden that I now call Cammie asks and I smile and nod. “You’re the best!” I feel small arms wrap around my leg and I laugh. Shes just as hyper and happy as her mom.

“Lauren!” I turn around to see my partner Normani come into the restaurant.

“Mani, thank god you’re here. You’re not going to believe whats happening.” I hug Normani and she sits in the booth across from me and Cammie.

“Well, I can guess. You have a what? 3-4 year old attached to your side and it happens to be the same girl that came from that awful call last night. So either, your kindness and caring personality went a little too far OR you knew who that was last night.” Normani speaks and I look at the 3 year old to my left that’s not listening but instead happily drawing in the color book I bought for her.

“The latter would be the one.” I sigh and turn back to Normani and shes just shaking her head.

“How well do you know her? Cause according to your face, you didn’t know she had a daughter but yet you know her enough to care and stay at the hospital with her child all night and possibly all day after your nonstop exhausting week.”

“I knew her very well Mani.” I shake my head.

“What do you mean knew.” Normani asks confused. “WAIT, it can’t be that mystery girl that you always talked about, could it? The one that broke your heart?” She almost screams and jumps out of her seat.

“Mani! Keep it down.” I look around to see some people staring at us. “But yes. Mani, I haven’t seen her in what? 4 years! And now I manage to coincidentally get a call to her house with her abusive husband and her 3 year old child! Ask me if I’m freaking out because, guess what? I’m going fucking crazy” I whisper scream.

“Watch the language Jauregui! We have a child.” Normani scolds. “But oh my god Lauren. You are in quite deep with this. And now you’re taking care of her child while her father is in jail and her mother is unconscious in the hospital after having the heavens beat out of her.”

“I know. I can’t believe she got married..To a man. To an abusive one too. When I opened her shirt to check for internal bleedings she had scars and old bruises. How long was she being abused? God Mani. I feel horrible. I loved her and wanted the best for her and me. That’s why I told her to forget about me and move on. But now seeing as she moved on to an abusive almost death relationship I can’t help but feel a little guilty about that.” I vent and nearly let out a sob as a few stray tears roll down my face.

“Lauren! Stop that right now. None of this is your fault. I don’t know much about your past since you’re so reluctant to give it to me, but what I do know is that she was the one that decided to break up. She’s the one that got pregnant. She’s the one that got married to that man. None of this is your fault. Her being in the hospital right now is nothing more than her husband’s fault, who is hopefully going to rot in that cell.” Normani grabs my hands and I nod knowing she’s right but still feeling like shit about everything shes been through.

“I can’t believe 4 years ago we were hopelessly in love and now I just ripped a drunk guy off of her that almost killed her. God, I am never letting that bastard get near her again.” I seethe.

“Okay Lauren, you’re exhausted. Listen, I’ll take care of Camden for a few hours and you need to go get some rest. You’ve been up for a straight 25 hours” Normani pulls me up out of the booth and into her arms.

“Thank you Mani. I owe you everything.” I cry into her shoulder before saying goodbye to Cammie and leaving to take a good, well needed nap at my apartment. Luckily my apartment is only down the street because I think I might crash from exhaustion.

I need to sleep. I need to think. So much has happened in the last 24 hours and all I can do is sleep before I go crazy.

Camila. Child. Husband. Hospital. What is my life.

The next morning I wake up and jump out of bed. I look at the clock to see its 8 am, meaning I slept all day and all night leaving Normani with Camden alone in a hospital. I hurry and take a quick shower before throwing on some black jeans, a sleeveless bob marley shirt, and a grey beanie. I bump into the table with my hip as I try and put on my shoes while hopping into the living room. “Shit” I hiss and right before I open the door to run out of my apartment, I see the most darling and startling sight. On the couch is a knocked out Normani with a sleeping Cammie on her chest. I nearly jump out of my skin when I see them but feel relieved that they got some sleep and that they are okay. I smile and walk over to them picking up Cammie gently and taking her to my bed tucking her in before I come back and lay a blanket over a peaceful Normani. Cammie must have been a handful.

While they sleep I take the extra time to run down the street and grab some breakfast for all of us. I start making my way back to the apartment with two bags of food in my hands but I take a quick right and walk towards the hospital.

“Lauren? What are you doing here? You’re off shift.” My boss asks when I step into the hospital.

“I know. I’m just here to check on someone.” I say back.

“Is it that girl you brought in yesterday?” He asks and I nod. “Lauren, you know it’s a bad idea to check on patients that you cared for.” He says with a disapproving frown and I shake my head.

“It’s- I’m not- It’s complicated.” I shrug and he raises his eyebrows. “I know her personally.” I tell him and he gives me a sad look.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” He pats my back and I nod before saying a goodbye and walking back to her room. I walk up to the door and can already hear a few nurses chatting.

“I feel so bad for her. No one deserves this.” One nurse says behind the door.

“She seems like such a lovely girl. Did you hear that one of the first responders is taking care of her child now?” The second nurse says. Normani must of told the police about my close relations with Camila and got permission for me to keep Camden for the time being. I was going to tell them eventually but I’m glad Normani got it over with.

“No way!” The first nurse gasps and I figured I can’t keep standing behind this door eavesdropping so I open the door loudly and the two nurses snap their heads towards me, recognizing me immediately and shutting their mouths. “Hello, Lauren” They both smile and I nod. They exit quietly and I set down the bags of food on the counter before taking the seat next to the bed.

“Hey” I say as I sit down. “You are probably pretty lonely, huh?” I ask before face palming for my stupidness. “I don’t know if you know or not but I have Camden. She’s safe. I’ll take good care of her while you’re out. Okay? I promise.” I say to the sleeping beauty in the big hospital bed. “I talked to the doctors and they said that you could be out for a couple more hours to a couple of days. Good news is that you don’t have any bad bad brain damage like we thought you might. Your memory should be fine, which is great. Bad news is that you do have a little bit of swelling in your brain which will cause headaches and a slight speech problem. But that’s nothing compared to what we thought.” I smile before looking down to the white marble floors and finally speaking on my emotions about the situation.

“You looked like…god. When I walked into that house and saw you…with him…and he was bea-“ I let out a small sob. “Camila.” Another sob comes out and I put my head in my hands. “I couldn’t believe it was you.” I looked up at her bruised and swollen face. “I never imagined that you could ever be treated like that. You’re such a bright ball of sunshine that was always cracking dumb jokes and laughing, I can’t believe someone could ever hurt you.” I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “I’ve missed you so much. I never once forgot you and I’ve been wishing for the day that we’d see each other again to come. But god Camila, I never thought this is how I’d find you.” I let sobs wrack my body until I’m gasping for air and left emotionally exhausted. I sit there for what feels like forever before I get up, place a small kiss on her forehead and walk out of the hospital with the now cold breakfast in my hands and dried tears on my cheeks.

Thank you for everyone that messaged me! Everyone still like AUFC? Let me know! ;)

Chapter One

#UPDATE #series #slash #camren #laurmani #caminah #angst drama #family #humour #romance fluff #submission #An Unfortunate Fortunate Coincident

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