#my head keeps replaying the time the corspe was brought in. the things my cousins and aunt kept saying
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#just dumping my feelings out here just because.#so anyway it was my uncle's funeral today#i didnt like him didn't know him much at all#but his kids. he has 4. all of them 15 and younger#my cousins kept crying and saying shit that fucked with my brain so bad#i couldn't talk much and i feel self absorbed. i could only think about how ill look stupid if i said something too weird#but that's just!!! what do i say!!!! i shouldve said whatever the fuck came to my mind because it was for them#but i also know that no matter what i said could have never made the situation any better for them#my head keeps replaying the time the corspe was brought in. the things my cousins and aunt kept saying#like i dont even believe my uncle is gone. it doesn't feel true or real.#when we saw the corpse i kept observing his chest for some sign of movement. but obviously there wasn't any. he was lying limp.#he was not breathing.#death is just absolutely incomprehensible to me#there was a lot of religious talk because ofc it brings comfort to people who believe in that#but since im an atheist that didn't help at all which is fine bc it wasnt meant for me#but no matter how many times i say how many ways i try to phrase it its simply the fact that he's done and gone that doesn't sit with me#some children will not see their father again. will not receive love from him. how cruel and seemingly abnormal#despite being very normal for many folks#but still how apalling#and how incredibly selfish for someone as omnipotent as God. if he does exist how can he possibly put a family through something like that
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