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searchingwardrobes · 4 years

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Review 2 of 2

I know it’s been a month since part one of this review (which you can read HERE), but I had to collect my thoughts on this book! Not because I had mixed feelings about it - it’s honestly one of the best books I’ve ever read - but because it made me so emotional. I did write a review on Goodreads, which I’m posting below, and after that I’ve included several passages that moved me as I read. I marked a LOT of them (sorry, library), so I hope I can narrow them down. Having said that, this will get long, so more under the cut!

Tagging: @snowbellewells @reynoldsreads @whimsicallyenchantedrose @ekr032-blog-blog @superchocovian @lfh1226-linda @nikkiemms @thislassishooked @branlovestowrite @tiganasummertree and I thought of you @distant-rose for the way Joy fell in love with England just as much as with Jack :)

****I guess you can say there are technically spoilers beyond this point, but since this is all historical information, many may already know these details. ***

Before I get into that though, I want to clarify a few questions I brought up when I was only half way through the book. I wondered about their letter writing and why those letters were destroyed. Turns out CS Lewis burned all of the letters he received because people wrote to him about very personal things, and he didn’t want those being published after his death. So, that makes sense, I guess, though it still doesn’t explain what happened to the letters he wrote to her, unless he burned those too after her death for the same reason. Jack (what his close friends called Lewis) had a civil marriage with Joy first because of immigration issues, and she and the boys lived in a separate house. However, they still spent a lot of time at the Kilns (Lewis’s home) and lived there briefly at different times. Their relationship, according to most sources, wasn’t physical at that time (however, does anyone really know for sure except for the two of them?), and the book depicts it that way. The church refused to marry them because Joy was divorced, and this was a major issue for Jack due to his faith. Only after a sympathetic priest married them in a hospital did they consummate the marriage.

The major source material for this book was an unpublished manuscript called Courage containing forty-five love sonnets Joy Davidman wrote to CS Lewis. David Gresham, Joy’s son, found them in the back of a closet in 2013. Most of the chapters in the book start with lines from these sonnets. And these sonnets are definitely intimate and passionate. I’ll confess, it’s a little weird when you imagine that famous picture of CS Lewis we’ve all seen a million times, bald headed with his pipe. Like reading sexy poems someone wrote to your grandpa. Nevertheless, the love story crafted in this book was breathtaking.

Here’s the review I wrote on Goodreads:

I almost don't know where to start with this book, it was so good! The writing style, the phrasing, the characterization, it was all stellar. I felt like I knew Joy personally reading this. I also loved how the author didn't romanticize Joy or Jack (C.S. Lewis). She wrote them flaws and all, including their physical traits. This isn't Hollywood, air brushing the protagonists so they fit society's definition of "sexy." This book proves you don't need attractive people to tell a passionate, romantic love story. Love is so much deeper than that. I think that can sum up this entire book: love sees past our flaws; love is attracted to our minds and our souls, not just our faces and bodies; and love blooms best when it's rooted in a strong friendship.

This book also tackled the sexism rampant in the 1950s and how that impacted Joy, who broke the mold on what a woman should be. It makes you realize how the social norms of the day influenced Lewis's friends and their opinions of Joy. (Tolkien despised her.) You also feel Joy's oppression under these expectations and understand why Jack's friendship meant so much to her. He viewed her as an intellectual equal, something she was desperate for. I also was heartbroken over the poor medical care she received simply because she was a woman, with the doctors often completely ignoring her to address the men in her life and making light of her symptoms. Today, she might have lived.

I refuse to read other reviews because I have a feeling many Christians won't like this book. Joy is not a sanitized Christian heroine. She would definitely fit in more with the "bad girls" of the Bible like Rahab and the woman at the well than she would with Sarah or Hannah. She was a real person who came to faith late in life. She made mistakes even after her conversion, and some of them will make the reader uncomfortable. There were a lot of gray areas in her life and in her relationship with Jack that aren't easy to grapple with. So if you're looking for a black and white, squeaky clean, shining beacon of virtue you'll be disappointed. But if you're willing to take the journey with Joy, it's a fantastic tale!

Now for some of my favorite passages! (The book is in first person from Joy’s point of view):

“What could I have done differently? I begged the tortured Christ in stained glass.

My parents had warned me - Why can’t you be softer, nicer, and kinder? Prettier? More like Renee? {Renee was a cousin and one of her husband’s many affairs.} Why couldn’t I? Was this my punishment for such self-will?”

“I stayed and felt the enormous noise vibrate through my body. Chills ran through me, and I shivered with the unceasing sounds, which were cleansing me, coursing through my veins, through my mind and my spirit. The tenor and fifth ringing together, not synchronized or in harmony but in perfect sublime sound. My boundaries dissolved; transcendence enveloped me. God was with me, and always had been. He was in the earth and the wind, in the ringing and the silence, in the pain and in the glory of my life.”

“In his office Jack didn’t just read; he went deep inside the work his eyes fell upon, taking apart the sentences and themes. And while I was nearby, he would often call my name.

‘Joy,’ he’d say, ‘what do you think . . . ‘

Off we’d go into a theological or thematic discussion. Sometimes I feared I would wake and be back in the rambling, falling-apart house in Staatsburg, Bill stumbling drunk down the hallway smelling of sex and whiskey, and find my time with Jack had only been a dream. But instead I sat in the armchair of his office at the top of the staircase discussing the meaning hidden in stories.”

“It’s not an apology, Jack. Can’t you see? It’s grace, the kind that hunts us down and doesn’t let us go. It brought us together. The grace that keeps the planets in their orbits and causes lilies to open their faces to the sun.” I dared to meet his eyes with mine. “It’s love.”

“No.” I took another sip of sherry. “I’m confused . . . . About Jack, I don’t know. This time it’s not just about some physical need. For goodness’ sake, the man smokes sixty cigarettes a day and then his pipe in between. He’s seventeen years older than I am. But he still has this great gusto for life - for beer and debate and walking and deep friendship. Christianity most definitely has not turned him into a dud. This isn’t some lust-fueled fantasy. It’s the connection between us. The discourse. The empathy. The similar paths. This isn’t some obsession with getting something, Belle. It’s the feeling of finally coming home. It’s confusing at best.”

“Red heat filled my chest. He turned to place the sword on the mantle, and the structure of his chin, the lines of his smile, caught the firelight. A line of poetry surged forward in my mind: the accidental beauty of his face.”

“He was instantly next to me, his hands on my shoulders to spin me around to face him. ‘Don’t turn from me,’ he said. ‘I cannot bear that. If we can’t indulge in eros, surely we have all the beauty that remains in philia.’ He pulled me close to wrap his arms around me. Twilight turned to night and my head rested on his shoulder and the palm of his hand was on my neck, stroking my skin with gentleness as if consoling a small child after a frightful storm.

But this wasn’t fright he was trying to subdue; this was desire. His mind might twist firm around logic, but his body divulged the truth.

It was he who let me go, and gently touched my cheek before leaving me quaking without another word.”

“Jack was alongside me every day he came to Oxford from Cambridge, and many whispered that he’d moved in. What vivid imaginations they had.

There had been a night I thought we were on a “date” - when he took me to see Bacchae, the great Greek tragedy. In the dark of the theater he had taken my hand. With our fingers wound together and the great tragic ending of the play approaching, I believed in more for us. But, alas, after leaving that darkened theater our natural rhythms returned - philia, banter, beer, and laughter.”

“At your worst?” He shook his head and his spectacles fell from his face, landed on the worn cream blanket covering my diseased body. “You are beautiful to me, Joy. You are all that is beautiful.” He tucked a stray hair back from my face. “All my life I have thought of love in a literary sense, part of a story or a fairy tale. But love is really true; I know that now. Eros - I haven’t loved completely until now. I know that.” His voice held the truth of every word spoken, a man broken by death’s threat.”

“He kissed me again. ‘Everything I’ve written since the day you walked into Eastgate has been tangled with you. How could I have not seen it at all?’”

“Will you go to them?” I took his hand in mine. “They need you, and they love you, Jack. You know that, don’t you?’

‘As I love them.’ He kissed me and left as a father to my sons.

“All the years wasted believing that love meant owning or possessing, and now the greatest love had arrived in my greatest weakness. In my supreme defeat came my grandest victory. God’s paradoxes had no end.”

“I didn’t know if others understood his deep love for me. I’d wondered and then let it go - it didn’t matter what Tollers {Jack’s nickname for Tolkien} or the Inklings or the Sayers believed. Maybe Jack had admitted his love or maybe he hadn’t, but all that mattered was that I grasped the truth. He loved me when I was brash. He loved me in my weakest state. He loved me after I stopped trying so hard to make him love me. He loved me when I was outwardly unworthy. I thought of Aslan and his words in Prince Caspian, ‘You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.’”

“His brown eyes seemed fathomless, their depths holding the answers. ‘Although it was your mind I loved at first, it is not what I’ve loved best. The heart of you is the heart of me now, and I want to know it fully.’”

#melanie reads #book review #becoming mrs lewis #patti callahan #review 2 of 2

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sa-yo-u-na-ra · 5 years

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My thoughts on the ending of Banana Fish and why I don’t think it’s that bad

This is going to be really, really long. (it takes 10-15 minutes to read at least no joke)

I’ve seen a lot of fans writing essays on why they like or do not like the way Banana Fish ended, and I really feel like I have to get it off my chest myself, so get ready for a long, sappy, over-poeticized post written by a sappy, over-poeticized teenage girl (whose English knowledge could use some improvement so forgive her please). Also, I had enough of some people on twitter running around saying that everyone who didn’t hate the ending is homophobic.

Some important things:

I do not intend to convince anyone. Everybody has their own opinions.

I don’t really want to get into long, pointless comment fights either. We have different opinions, and even if you think any single thing I’ve wrote in this essay doesn’t make sense then alright. Your opinion is totally fine and valid. I just wrote this essay so you can understand why some people don’t hate the ending as much as most of you do. (I hardly doubt there’s anyone out there who doesn’t hate the ending at all though)

IS THE ENDING OF BANANA FISH PROBLEMATIC?

Yes. I think this question was in @http-eiji’s essay on the ending (you guys go read it, it really makes you think, plus the idea of writing a huge essay on the ending is kinda copied from her): ”Even if you don’t think anything I’ve said in this section makes the ending problematic, can you see why there are people who do?” And my answer is yes, I do. I remember when I was first informed how the story ends I’ve read a lot of posts ranting about why Banana Fish is Bury Your Gays and how it seems to tell CSA victims that they can’t be happy. Now, I’m not an LGBT member, neither am I a CSA victim, so I don’t think it’s my place to tell the fans who are if the ending should frustrate them or not, because there are a lot of them who are, obviously, frustrated by it. And I can see why. Banana Fish’s ending can be seen as Bury Your Gays and one can see that the vibe it gives off is that no matter how hard you try to come past your traumas, death is the only choice in the end. At first my thoughts were pretty much like this. I was really, really angry. But I slowly calmed down as I was giving it more thought, and I realized that I couldn’t hate the ending. Or, at least, not entirely.

I don’t know too much Bury Your Gays stories, but I know that it’s a pattern that was most likely used in early gay stories: the homosexual character(s) often died at the end of them. And this must be frustrating for the LGBT people. But still, just because there are a lot of stories like this, it doesn’t mean that Banana Fish had to have a happy ending, other way it’s a homophobic piece of crap. Banana Fish had the ending the mangaka planned for it. She didn’t have to write a happy ending to satisfy anyone. It’s her story. She wrote it as she wanted, just like any other writers. I think it definitely wasn’t written as a “just because gays die in other stories so I’ll just kill him as well”, because it’s in character and it fits the story as well and it’s well-written, too. And her message for sure wasn’t that gay people will die at the end no matter what.

I personally don’t think it’s Bury Your Gays or a message to CSA victims that they should die, although it’s definitely debatable. (The first one, I mean. The second one just kinda…doesn’t make sense.) But to me, the ending seems so heartfelt and clever…I just can’t bring myself to think it’s BRG or a bad message. I do believe that it was logical. I think it’s so much more, and I hope that some of the people frustrated with it can find peace with it eventually at least as much as I did. (I sound like some monk talking about finding peace. I told you it’s going to be sappy!)

WHY DOESN’T THE ENDING SEEM LOGICAL AT FIRST?

“There had been too much emotion, too much damage, too much of everything.”

-Ernest Hemingway: The Garden of Eden

I always thought it’s interesting how Lao was the technical killer of Ash, but still he doesn’t get the hate he would logically deserve. Because it wasn’t any kind of murder. It’s said in the manga that he missed Ash’s vital organs. So, in conclusion, it’s Ash who chooses death.

Normally, I wouldn’t blame him. With all the things he had to deal with since his childhood, I would probably choose death, too. Even if it wasn’t the right choice.

But Ash is different. He’s a fighter. He might not fear death, but he never wishes for it either, as it is told by him. To me, it always sounded like: I’m not seeking death, but if I have to die, then so be it. Remember how he acted when he was stabbed by Arthur? He was thinking about how peaceful and gentle it all is.

But. Still. He has Eiji. Fucking Eiji, and it’s clear from that god damned love letter that he doesn’t blame Ash for anything, and loves him more than anything, and that he’s ready to live his life with Ash by his side. He’s not just ready, he wants it, for God’s sake! Ash is Eiji’s soulmate. This must had been clear for him, too.

WHAT KILLED ASH?

“Tired, tired with nothing, tired with everything, tired with the world’s weight he had never chosen to bear.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald: The Beautiful and Damned

The things I’ve wrote in the upper paragraphs are the things that are usually said as reasons why the ending isn’t in character. But one thing, as I noticed, is always overlooked: the guilt. It’s clear to me that Akimi Yoshida had chosen to kill Ash because of the guilt he was bearing. She literally said that he died because he was a murderer burdened by his sense of guilt. (Although she said a lot of other contrary things in other topics, so I’m not sure if I should quote her. I still do it though. Just don’t take this as a fact.) And I can feel that.

We all love Ash so, so much we hardly ever think of him as a bad person. But try to look at things from his point of view. I don’t think he chose death because of his traumas. I mean, maybe that was a part of it, too. But the very reason he chose death was his guilt. He killed hundreds of people. People he liked, people he didn’t even know. Good and bad people. He killed them all for his own sake, and while he says he doesn’t feel anything because of it, it’s pretty clear how much he hates himself. He bears so much guilt that no one should. Especially not a 17-year-old child. But unfortunately, he does. Guilt might be the worst thing in the world. It crushes your soul and mind. It’s the thing that makes you hate yourself the most. It makes you do and think things that are not logical, no matter how other people try to convince you. It makes you think you don’t deserve anything, and when you’re finally starting to believe in yourself, the smallest, simplest thing can throw you back into your self-shaming and blaming and hating. And it just can’t disappear. And just try to imagine bearing the guilt of killing hundreds of people. How could Ash think that he deserves Eiji? Even with the letter. It made him feel loved, yes (which is, at least to me, is more important than anything anyway). But it didn’t quite made him believe in himself enough. That’s a whole another process.

When he was stabbed by Arthur, he already loved Eiji more than anything. Still, when he was in surgery, the only thing he could think of was how he hurt Shorter and how he would hurt Eiji too, eventually. How he doesn’t deserve him.

The issue here wasn’t that he couldn’t have a happy ending. He could have, possibly without Lao.

The issue here was that he never even believed he deserved one to begin with, and when he finally started to think he deserves it, Lao came, and his fragile belief in the possibility of happiness crumbled down again. That might just be my theory, but to me it’s very real.

“I...My body...it reacts like a machine and kills people like nothing. Without feeling, without thinking. I’ve never been so scared of myself or so ashamed.”

WHAT WAS ASH THINKING IN HIS FINAL MOMENTS?

“It would be better alone, anything is better alone but I don't think I can handle it alone.”

-Ernest Hemingway: To Have and Have Not

I think when he was reading the letter, he forgot about his guilt. He suddenly got a peek of happiness, a better life with Eiji. This is why he started running. But then Lao happened, and he was reminded that he doesn’t deserve that. That he hurt and killed people, and that’s all he’s capable of. That no matter how hard he tries, fate won’t ever let him have a happy ending, because he doesn’t deserve that. But the letter…the letter was proof that he’s a human, after all. That he’s loved. And oh God, how much is he loved. This fact alone was already more than he thought he deserved. But for once, he let himself chose a selfish choice. He might not deserve happy ending with Eiji. But he doesn’t want to keep on living without him either. So he decided. He decided to change his leopard-like fate, and rather than keep on living in the cold world of loneliness which he thought was waiting for him thereafter, he chose to at least die with the most precious thing for him, the letter in his hands, which made him feel like he’s not alone at all. A choice he believed will make him the happiest. So he went to the most peaceful place he knew. He read the letter over and over, and died with the happiest feeling in the world, with the overwhelming knowledge that he’s not alone, and that he is loved, after all. Hiroko Utsumi said it herself: the ending may seem as a sad one at first, but the last expression of Ash makes it clear that he was happy in the end.

This might be just something that we tell ourselves to make it less painful, but hey. We have to hold on to something.

“Must be a nice dream.”

IS THE ENDING OF BANANA FISH THE BEST ENDING POSSIBLE?

“I don't care about truth. I want some happiness.”

-every fangirl ever before going on ao3 to read fix-it fics (just kidding. F. Scott Fitzgerald: The Beautiful and Damned)

Without a doubt, hell fucking no. And this is the rage part. Ash’s one of the smartest people in the world. And the police are kinda on his side. He has a lot of connections as well. So if he wanted to disappear from New York, he could. And that is the very reason the title is not: ”About why I love the ending”. Because although I do think the ending was reasonable and in character and that it wasn’t Bury Your Gays and shit, it could have been a happy ending. Because there’s no doubt: Ash’s way of thinking was self-destructive, he absolutely deserved Eiji. His way of thinking was harmful and stupid. I just wish he had the time to realize this. And I wish for many other things that will never happen with the two of them, and this why I despise the ending even if I do think it’s a good one. Because while the ending is beautiful, it’s really sad, and who loves that? Nobody. Alright, maybe I do. But I still hate it. When I think about all the what-ifs…I can’t seem to bring myself to say I simply love the ending and that it’s good as it is. I don’t think the ending ruined the story, it just made it…sadder? If that’s even possible. I can’t hate the Banana Fish ending…but I can’t love it either.

WHAT IS THE MESSAGE OF BANANA FISH?

“Don’t ever kid yourself about loving some one. It is just that most people are not lucky enough ever to have it. You never had it before and now you have it. What you have, whether it lasts just through today and a part of tomorrow, or whether it lasts for a long life is the most important thing that can happen to a human being. There will always be people who say it does not exist because they cannot have it. But I tell you it is true and that you have it and that you are lucky even if you die tomorrow.”

-Ernest Hemingway: For Whom The Bell Tolls

To me, this quote is literally it. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t hate this whole thing. And it’s because it might be stupid and sad all it is, it gives me a message, after all. I’m not sure if Akimi Yoshida intended to give this message, but here we are. I have it. I think I can’t hate the ending because it hits hard. It makes me appreciate the love and happiness of Ash and Eiji. It gives me the vibe that Ash’s fragile belief in the possibility of his happiness, to use my words from earlier, might had been easy to destroy because of his guilt. But not his love for Eiji, which shines brightly even after long years of his death in Garden of Light. Everything can be destroyed somehow, but the most beautiful, innocent kind of love. That kind of love that gives you everything and asks for nothing. No matter how fucked up your life may have been, no matter how fucked up you might be, you can still feel love. This is the meaning of Banana Fish to me. Just like Eiji, I am, of course sad and of course missing him, but most importantly: I am grateful that I got to spend at least a short amount of time with Ash. The message, to me at least, I think is that even when you have literally nothing left, you can find something. And that something is more important than anything, even if it lasts for just a little while. Even if you die tomorrow, the thing that matters is that something. (But that doesn’t mean you should die! You should live and enjoy it because you are not guilty at all and you deserve it. Ehm. I’m talking to you, Ash.)

that page of Garden of Light that never fails to make me cry at least a little bit, no matter how many times I’ve read it before

IN CONCLUSION

“I don't exactly know what I mean by that, but I mean it.”

J. D. Salinger: The Catcher in the Rye

This essay was never intended to in the and tell the readers: do I love the ending or do I hate it. I can’t bring myself to say either. I wouldn’t say I like the ending, because it’s such a neutral word for something that I have so complicated feelings about...But still, if I’d say I love it, that would just sound so stupid. How can you love something so depressing, even if it’s not necessarily bad? But I can’t hate it either. So I’m saying I have a love-hate relationship with it. It’s like with the mangaka herself: I love Akimi Yoshida, but she’s a bit cruel. But that’s not the point.

I think what gets me in the ending scene is how beautiful it is. It might be sad, but I can’t ignore how beautiful the words of Eiji are, and how peaceful and happy Ash looks. I really think that although this ending might make me angry and sad, it’s beautifully written, and although maybe it had other BRG works’ impact on it, I feel like it’s still really well-written and has a soul on its own.

So, is the ending of Banana Fish good? To use Blanca’s words, that’s something for you to decide yourself. Is it a boring, stupid trope played for shock factor and for the sake of tragedy? Is it a beautiful, unique, heartfelt scene with a positive meaning? Or something between the two? It all depends on you and your taste and perspective, as it does with every other form and act of art. Because, in the end, no fictional thing hurts real people, so from where should we know if our opinion is wrong or right? And I think this is why it’s pointless to fight over it. Maybe some of you still remember the thing that Literature teachers often tell us: there are always two people creating a story: the writer and the reader.

This essay was intended to make clear one single thing: to me, it’s clear from how Akimi Yoshida talks in her interviews that she doesn’t think the ending was that important. The same with Hiroko Utsumi.

In conclusion, I think we all give a little too much thought to the ending. Who gives a fuck about the ending? The love of Ash and Eiji was, is and always will be real, no matter what. No matter how fucked up the ending might be.

Because it’s the journey that matters rather than the end.

“They’re both enjoying their rest in a ski resort” -Akimi Yoshida herself, 1995 (See, guys? Don’t worry, they’re totally fine. The ending doesn’t even matter.)

#banana fish #anime #banana fish ending #banana fish discussion #banana fish 24

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