#my father's killer. part of me lamented the waste. more of me felt quiet vindication as i watched it go down the drain. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

orcelito · 2 months

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Been almost a month since I last drank, and I still can't think about alcohol without feeling uncomfortable.

I wonder if this will ever go away, or if I'm just gonna be alcohol-averse for the rest of my life. For someone who used to really like alcohol, it's a strange position to be in.

#speculation nation #negative/#i guess.#the thing about having your father abruptly die from alcoholism is that any and all alcohol starts to feel. bad.#i wont say evil bc it's not like it's morally involved by itself. it's not even entirely unsafe if u drink in moderation.#and i wont say that others cant drink or mention drinking around me #i just... anytime i think about it i just get so uncomfortable. especially when i think about it in relation to myself.#i dumped half a massive bottle of whiskey down the drain when packing up my father's kitchen #my father's killer. part of me lamented the waste. more of me felt quiet vindication as i watched it go down the drain.#i know ive had a less than healthy relationship with alcohol. using it to stem the tides of total breakdowns #a form of self harm that doesnt cause lasting damage. and generally improves my mood too.#making sure i dont drink too often or too much. so i wouldnt call myself an alcoholic.#but given the family history. it wouldnt take much for me to turn into one huh?#and so im at a crossroads. that liminal time where everything is changing. however slowly.#will the current state continue? will i ever want to drink again?#but regardless. even if i do drink. i will need to be even more careful with it than i already was.#i wont let my father's killer take me too.#self harm ment/

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