*horrible horrible sounds of screaming that makes your ears ring* I FUCKINDKMMXMNBCN@!!JKXN?NKDNKS8!/LM9&:!:881 I am fine and I am normal and I am not experiencing anything abnormal.

Yall don know crap about me so here:

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More cereal than milk. I don like to have a bowl full of milk after.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a winter-y day? Yes.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Random pieces of old sketch paper I have lying around everywhere.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I drink green tea as is. I’ll have that or cocoa, with milk and sprinkles.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes, I don smile often.

6: do you keep plants? Yes, I have a small sunflower in my window.

7: do you name your plants? Yes, her name is Vivi. Don fuking judge me.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I use oil paints.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yeah, I hum to the music I play when I draw, sketch and/or paint.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Sleep? Hah, I don’t, but If I take my sleeping pills like I’m suppose to, usually on my side.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Er allein, dem die Jugend gehört, gewinnt die Zukunft.  

12: what’s your favorite planet? Saturn.

13: what’s something that made you smile today? Watching Shiloh trip and fall.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? I’m not going to live in the city once I finish school.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! It would take nine years to walk to the moon.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Ramen.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I want to get rid of the blonde patch at my routes.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.  When I learnt German only to give our Jewish history teacher wwII flash backs. Nate was mad. I didn’t care.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Yes and just small outfit ideas.

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Blue, purple or orange. Why? Idfk.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. My hello kitty little backpack that I brought with me from japan, I now use it as a purse when I go shopping. It confuses people.

22: are you a morning person? hell. no.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Lay in bed till 4 pm.

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Fuck no.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? The boy’s dorm room.

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My black and pastel coloured converse.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? bubblegum.

28: sunrise or sunset? sunrise. I’m not a morning person but it looks nice.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? no.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes, when? I wont tell, unless asked.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. They’re okay ig, yes?, no, no, and no thanks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I can’t really hang out with friends at 3 AM.

33: what’s your fave pastry? dessert mochii.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? It’s name is Kuma. It’s a brown fluffy bear. yes i do.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? not anymore, I used to write to my mom while I was at school.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Bo burnham. That’s it.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean.

38: tell us about your pet peeves! JB. just JB hitting on. every. single. guy. That or Shiloh. Just Shiloh being Shiloh. Also Bae thinking he’s better than everyone else.

39: what color do you wear the most? Black.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I own a small necklace with purple beads. It has meaning to me I guess.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?  The One Safe Place.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! No.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? JB. 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? When I was 11.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yeah.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. uhhhhh. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Store bought ramen. It’s so gross.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Thunder and Lightning, and yes.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? The last CD I bought? Beetlejuice the musical.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Knifes. Pencils.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? uhh. Jeremy with sad song by scotty sire.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Ugandan knuckles, i know its dead but it’s still my favorite.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? i love beetlejuice.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? idfk.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? I climbed up a shelf at the library to prove that I could be tall.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? no.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? im not answering this one.

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? uhh idk.

59: what’s your favorite myth? Any Japanese urban legend.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? uhh. no.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I once gave away some floppy hat that my step dad gave me.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Yes, pineapple.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Yes. I make sure they’re organized on genre and then in the genre it’s alphabetized.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? blue.

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My mom, but in order to do that, i’d have to die. :)

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Pink daises and sunflowers, small ones, plus some bits of lavender.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Happy, it’s nice.

68: what’s winter like where you live? no snow, it’s like 60 degrees.

69: what are your favorite board games? idk.

70: have you ever used a ouija board? ya.

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? green.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? No, i have an okay memory.

73: what are some of your worst habits? I bounce my leg around whenever i’m not moving, that or I flick my pencil around.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. big ass hole.

75: tell us about your pets! I only have one and she’s a blind kitty. She’s white with spots and has a fluffy tail.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? My homework.

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink.

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? uhh i really don’t care

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? I was given a flower by some girl during lunch, i never got her name though.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white, i didn’t get to choose cus I live in a dorm room.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. northern star.

82: are/were you good in school? ya i am.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? idk.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? no.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Ya i guess, and deadpool.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? no. not really.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? my neighbor totoro, kikis delivery service.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? not really.

89: are you close to your parents? I was close with my mom.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. tokyo. i don’t have to explain.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no where.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i don’t put cheese on my pasta.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Shaved under my lil floof bangs.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?  Jeremy.

95: what are your plans for this weekend?  Draw.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I update immediately.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INTJ - The Mastermind, libra, and huffle puff.

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? idk and no.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. no.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past, and for reasons.

Beach Vacation [MF]

The sand is hot on my feet. I feel it between my toes. I look ahead to see the endless blue waves of the Pacific ocean. I close my eyes and hear the crashing white noise. The tide is coming in. I hear the seafoam fizzing as the waves creep closer to my legs. I lean down to roll up my light blue jeans. I take a step toward the ocean. The water rushes over my feet. I brace for the cold. My toes curl in the sand. Another step forward, the water meets my jeans soaking where I had rolled them. I look out towards the horizon, the sky is turning pink now as the sun starts to set. I see a larger wave coming in the distance. It hits my legs rising above my knees momentarily. My trance breaks and I look down to see my jeans soaked. At this point, I don’t really care. I take another step into the ocean. The water is past my waist now. The cold is refreshing. I can feel it wash the sweat from my legs. I close my eyes and take in the feeling. Another step forward. I lay back in the water feeling it cleanse my body. I float in the Pacific ocean moving with the waves. “You ok hun?” I turn to see Olive standing on the beach watching me with a confused look on her face. I stand upright in the sand. I look down at myself. My jeans are soaked as well as my white t-shirt, I can see my tan skin through the fabric. “Yeah...the water is nice,” I say, realizing how stupid this must look. I wade my way back to the sand and grab the towel she holds out for me. She laughs under her breath as I stand uncomfortably in my wet clothes. “I’ll get you some pants,” she says walking toward my car parked in the sand behind us. I strip down and sit watching the seagulls fly off in the distance. The pink sky paints them in an evening glow. I lift my arm extending my fingers watching them shake as I stretch. The sand feels warm against my body. I close my eyes realizing how tired I am. I feel for my pockets making sure nothing fell into the ocean. I pull out a lighter and an Altoid tin I use to store a half-smoked joint, which is still amazingly dry. I put it to my lips and light it inhaling deeply until I feel the smoke tickle the back of my throat. I hold it in until I almost cough and then exhale slowly. I lay back and wait. // “Where to next?” I ask Olive. “Don’t know, south I guess,” she says. “I’m getting tired though.” “I’ve been tired,” I say. “Probably shouldn’t drive...” She laughed “Shut up, you hate when I drive.” “Because you’re a bad driver.” She looked at me with an over exaggerated “excuse me?” look on her face. “I’m just joking.” She smiled, “I know.” I look up and smile at her. She moved her blond hair out of her face and stares back at me. The red in the white of her eyes contrasts with their blue color. “Are you sober yet?” she asks. Suddenly the question pulls me out of inebriation. It's a weird feeling to suddenly become sober when you forget you’re high. “I am now. Unfortunately.” I rub the stubble growing on my face and sigh. “Micha…” Olive looks down at her lap. “Can we talk, I just feel like you have a lot to say.” Her tone is giving me anxiety. “What happened to your dad?” I inhale deeply. “I don’t really know where to start.” She gives me a comforting smile. “He killed himself,” I say. “Do you want to talk about it?” She gives me a concerned look. “Be serious for me,” she squeezes my thigh, “just for a minute.” “I don’t like to think about it.” “I know but that shits too heavy for you to carry alone.” Olive looked at me as if to signal me to continue. “How long have we been dating Micah, you can tell me anything.” I stayed silent. She sighed. “What about your mom, how did she die.” “Car crash.” She stared at me waiting for more information. “My mom raised me alone,” I brushed my hands through my coarse hair. “She worked two jobs.” “Was your dad ever there?” “Fuck no. I didn’t even meet him until I was 13. He let me and my mom be broke while he was off creating his fucking empire.” “I sense some anger,” she chuckles. I smile. I can always count on her to brighten my mood. “The next time I saw him was when my mom died.” “How old were you?” I lean my head back to try and remember. “16.” “Jeez,” she exhales softly. “I’ve told you all this before.” “Not about your dad.” “Yeah I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.” “How do you feel about your dad, you know, how's that sitting?” I begin to feel nauseous thinking about what I had seen just days earlier. // I opened the door to my father's penthouse apartment. I take a step inside and smell the scent of lavender. The room was silent. I look around. Bottles of wine lay scattered across the floor. On the coffee table, I see bottles of prescription pills. I pick one up and read the label: OXYCONTIN. “Jesus Christ,” I say aloud. I try to call out to him but struggle to find words that fit our relationship. “Dad?” No answer. I work my way up the stairs. It feels like I’m exploring a haunted house. I walk slowly until I find myself in the master bedroom. I knock. No answer. I step inside. The room is dimly lit. I take a deep breath in. The scent of lavender is stronger, but there is something under it. I look around and see light coming from under the bathroom door. I knock. No answer. I twist the handle. It’s unlocked. I open the door listening to it creak. There is blood everywhere. Inside I see a man in a suit. In his hands, he holds a double barrel shotgun pointed towards what is left of his head. I stare for a moment. The only thing left is the bottom half of his jaw, the rest is splattered on the wall behind him. “FUCK.” I feel saliva rush into my mouth. I vomit. “FUCK.” I try to breathe. In through my nose. Jesus Christ the smell. Holy shit. The smell of a rotting corpse overwhelms my senses. More vomit. “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck,” I pick myself up. “Fuck, Shit, Fuck.” I look at the man on the floor of my father’s bathroom again. Something is making me keep looking. I look at his shoes, his suit, his watch. They all seem so familiar. It was my father. I feel a sense of relief. Like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I stare back at my dead father and immediately feel a sense of guilt. What the fuck is wrong with me. // I listen to Olive’s breathing as she sleeps in the passenger seat beside me. I need coffee or I might just join her and crash this car. I feel my phone vibrate, work has been trying to contact me every hour now. I nudge Olive trying to gently wake her up. “Hey wake up.” She whimpers softly. “Sorry but I’m falling asleep over here I need to stop. Could you find a place to get some coffee?” “Sure babe.” She pulls out her phone. “There is a Denny’s not far from here.” I yawn. “Maybe I’m tired enough to make it taste like real food.” She giggles, “Yeah whatever you say.” She closes her eyes again. “Hey keep me awake, I will crash this car.” “Fine, fine, whatever.” I look in the rearview mirror and see headlights turn off behind me. That’s weird. “Hey Olive, did you see that?” “See what?” “Is there someone behind us?” She turns in her seat. “I don’t see anything.” “I saw headlights turn off.” “I still don’t see anything.” I slow the car down to see if the car will catch up. Nothing. “Weird. I don't like that.” “It’s probably nothing,” she turns back to face the windshield, “I think Denny’s is coming up soon anyways.” // David shifted in his seat. His hair was jet black except for gray at his temples. He was in his mid 30’s but seemed much older. “I’m sorry about your father, he was a close friend of mine.” “Thanks,” I don’t know how else to respond. “But hey, look at the bright side.” “Of my father dying?” “Well no,” He shifted uncomfortably, his tone changed to match mine. “I mean now you’re part owner of a huge corporation. You can start fresh, make your father proud.” I gave him a smile. “Yeah, all those years in business school you’d think I’d be able to do something with this.” He chuckled. “That's the spirit kid. Say, when do you graduate?” “Next week, so perfect timing.” He stared back at me with a concerned look on his face. “To be able to work alongside you that is.” He wasn’t buying it. “Are you alright Micah? I understand that this is a tough time. If you aren’t ready to jump right in that’s fine.” “No, I'm ready. I mean someone’s got to run this company to the ground right? And there is nothing like a little old-fashion nepotism.” He chuckled. “How about you take a mini vacation. Clear your mind. You’re what 22? Jesus and after all the shit you’ve gone through.” “Yeah, that might be a good idea.” I don’t like how he speaks to me. Like I’m a teenager. Or maybe just someone who’s a father just committed suicide. “I think you’re going to like it here. Pretty soon you’ll be rolling in cash. That is if you aren’t already. I mean how much are you inheriting from your old man, It has got to be…” His tone changed quickly. “Sorry, Micah, that's rude of me. Can I pour you a drink?” “I'm fine, thanks.” He was right though. Out of nowhere I now have more money than I could ever imagine what to do with. // I stare down at the runny eggs in front of me. The smell of burnt bacon took me away from enjoying the meal. “How is it?” Olive asked. “Well, it's Denny’s that's for sure.” She laughed as she took a sip of her coffee. “Are you still tired?” “Yeah I don’t think this coffee will do the trick.” “Hold on I think I can help.” She bends over and starts digging through her purse. She pulls out a what looks like a tic-tac container. “Put out your hand.” I do as I’m told. She pours two blue pills into my hand. “What are these?” “Adderall. It’ll keep you awake.” I shrug my shoulders and swallow the pills. I look around examining the interior of the diner. The walls were a gold-yellow color, there were pictures of the ocean on the walls. I look across the counter at the employees working in the kitchen. They stand still. Motionless. They are silent, facing the back of the restaurant not making a sound. “Hey, something feels weird.” I look up at Olive. “Maybe it's all the weed we’ve been smoking.” “No, it's not like that. It's more like I feel watched.” “I think we are just tired.” I yawn thinking about it. “Maybe.” I look out the window and see the moon. The sky is clear, the stars in the sky staring back at me. “What if we just drove away,” Olive says pulling me out of my trance. “Aren’t we doing that now?” I ask. “No, I mean what if we just never went back.” “We can’t do that. I have a job. You have a job.” “So what. I’m a fucking software engineer for a giant corporation that doesn’t even know I exist. If I never show up again it won’t take much to replace me.” I look at her confused. “I have to go back. They need me David has been trying to get a hold of me all night.” “So what. Fuck them. It’s not like you wanted any of this anyways. You have money not you don’t have to work another day in your life.” I stay silent thinking about her proposal. “What would we do.” “We could drive south into Mexico. We could take out all the money we could at a bank before the border, then just start a new life there.” “That plan doesn’t sound fully complete.” “So what, why not just try.” “Olive, are you serious?” “Yes, Micah I’m serious. I think I’d rather die right now than go back and spend another day with my shitty coworkers. Why not just go. Worry about the consequences when it comes to it.” I contemplate for a few moments in silence. “I’ve never been one to be spontaneous.” “Why not start now?” She made eye contact with me. Her pupils were dilated. “Ok, let's do it. Fuck it why not.” She smiles. “Ok let's do this.” // The car shutters as I switch to 3rd gear. When I switch to fourth the engine shuts down completely. “Well fuck,” I say pulling over to the side of the road. “What's going on?” “I think the car just broke down.” I take the keys out and then put them back in. I try to start the engine but nothing works. “Ok well, now I know the car just broke down.” “Can you fix it.” I look at olive with a frustrated look. “No.” “Well, what do we do?” “Wait until daylight I guess.” “Jesus ok.” I leaned the seat back and closed my eyes. // “Micah.” I awake to bright LED headlights stopped behind the car. The headlights looked familiar. My heart starts to beat faster. “They’ve been behind us for a couple minutes now,” her voice was shaky. “What the fuck do they want. “I think It's the same car I saw before we got food.” I look back at the car behind us. The contours of the glossy black SUV shined in the reflection of its headlights. The driver door swung open. A tall man stepped out, I saw the silhouette of a pistol. “He has a gun.” I panic and struggle to start the car. It doesn’t give. “Micah--” The man knocks on the driver window with the barrel of his gun. Slowly he bends down until I can see his face. David.

// “David, please. Just let her go. She has nothing to do with any of this.” “Fuck you. I work my ass off right beside your father for 7 years and you’re the one who gets everything. His fucking bastard child. I’m glad I killed him.” “You what?” “Yeah, I fucking killed him. Figured I’d get his shares. Wasn’t hard either. Easy to blame it on the pills.” “Jesus Christ David you’re crazy.” Olive struggled under his grip. I took a step towards them. “Another step and I shoot her.” “David please. I don’t even want any of this. Take my fucking shares take everything I don’t fucking care just let her go.” David pauses for a second. I look at Olive struggling to try and break free. “David please.” Olive jerks violently to try and loosen his grip. David flinches. A loud bang cuts me off. Olive falls to the floor. Half of her face was blown off from the gunshot. I fall to my knees in shock. Her right eye was missing along with half of her cheek. Her left eye bulged out and stared at me. I look up to David. The gun is pointed towards me shaking. I have no words. I close my eyes and feel the tears stream down my cheeks. // I lay back in the water. The waves bob me up and down. I feel a sense of calmness as a wave crashes into me. The sky above me is turning pink. I watch seagulls above me circling calling out to one another. I submerge myself into the water breathing all of the air out of my lungs sinking to the sand below the waves. I look up at the surface, the saltwater burns my eyes. I inhale deeply letting the water into my lungs. I feel the tickle of saltwater on the back of my throat. I hold the water in. And wait.

give me some f e e d b a c k

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