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kristinebritney · 6 years

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Pre-Stem Cell Harvest Thoughts

Forgive me for this long post as I have nothing else to do in the hospital but to wait until my stem cells can be harvested. I am on Day 15 at the hospital and hopefully soon, my stem cells can be harvested already then after a month, the stem cell transplant will happen. I have so many thoughts going on in my head that sometimes I could not sleep.

Will I beat cancer again?

Can my body handle all the toxic chemicals being infused for me to get better?

Will I ever not worry about cancer coming back?

Can my family ever recover from this sickness?

Why is it so hard to beat cancer?

When will I get out of this hospital?

When will I go back to work?

When does the suffering end?

Diagnosis

Being diagnosed the first time was the worst day of my life. And being diagnosed the second time around is the hardest and also the worst day of my life. Just after putting all my efforts in rebuilding my life, cancer struck me out of nowhere. I knew I had to be vigilant that’s why I never let a simple pain be forgotten. That’s how life is after cancer. I feel like I am walking on eggshells – I have to be careful not to trigger anything. What triggers cancer anyway? We wouldn’t know. I still don’t know. Since I got better, I have been living a somewhat “stress-free” life. My family and friends are very kind to not let me stress over simple things. I admit, I still eat what I want but I do it in moderation.

The second time I was diagnosed, my first thought was, “What about my work?” Back in 2016, I had to take a 6-month leave to finish my chemotherapy. Some people can still work while having chemo. Me, I can’t even walk on my own that time. I am so fortunate that the company I am staying with is very considerate with regards to my case. The support of my colleagues all over the world were tremendous! When I came back to work on January 2017, I still had to do radiations so what I did was to wake up at 5:00AM then proceed to the hospital so that I can start radiation by 7:00AM, finished by 8:15AM, get to work by 9:30AM just in time for my 10:00AM shift. That was a routine for 19 days straight. I was so relieved that finally, I am done with the treatments!!!! Now, my company is again very gracious to allow me to take a leave again for me to get better. I was devastated to take a leave because I was starting to work on a project, but I had to let it go as health is my priority. Back in my mind, I am feeling guilty for leaving my colleagues for an indefinite time and passing on my work to them. But deep down, I am so thankful for their understanding. I am relieved when they say “Don’t worry, just focus on your health and we’ll see you soon” all the time. You see, it is important for a cancer patient to still look forward for work. This motivates me to heal faster and get back on my feet the soonest.

Having Cancer in the Philippines

Coming from a middle-class family, earning my own money is a big deal. Just a few weeks after graduation, I started working and earning my own money to fund everything I want and need. I was financially independent. I’m not earning a huge amount, but it was enough to live a comfortable life.

My first diagnosis, we were told to prepare PhP750,00.00 for chemotherapy alone (not including other complications of chemo – which I had) I was unfortunately diagnosed with the expensive type of Lymphoma. I don’t even have enough savings to fund 1 cycle of chemotherapy.

My second diagnosis, a stem cell transplant is the recommended second line treatment for relapse in Lymphoma which costs around PhP 2.5 Million. Basically, I will be having an autologous stem cell transplant in which my own stem cells will be harvested, a high dose chemo will be given to kill the cancer cells, then my stem cells will return to me. Seems easy, right? But no, I had to undergo a total of 4 high dose chemo because the transplant can only be successful if I am in Partial or Complete Remission.

We were given two choices - to go with stem cell transplant or just go with 6 cycles of chemo. In comparison, stem cell transplant has the highest chance of cure compared with chemo alone. However, neither of them guarantees the cancer won’t come back. I asked helped from my friends in making a decision and one answer struck me the most, “No matter what the cost, I would do anything to increase my chances of living.” Although we do not have the money for the transplant, my parents never hesitated to push through with the procedure. “We will make it work,” they said. And for the past months, we did make it work through the help of so many angels.

I have joined many Lymphoma support groups all over the world and I am jealous of their health care system. They don’t have to worry about the cost of the transplant. Having a stem cell transplant in their country is not a question. It’s part of the procedure. While here in the Philippines, you have to think about it because it is not easy to shell out PhP 2.5M.

Here in the Philippines, PCSO gives medical assistance whether you are rich or poor. I believe that when one of your family member has cancer, it will always drain your savings. Processing PCSO guarantee letters is definitely not a walk in the park. I am lucky enough to have a brother and sister-in-law to process my papers instead of me going to PCSO. Imagine how many sick people line up as early as 3:00AM for them to secure the golden ticket in the form of a guarantee letter or medicines. It would take up your whole day! For some people, PCSO is their best way to survive the costly chemotherapy.

Miracles and New Beginnings

I would sometimes wonder what it would feel like to not ever worry about money which is an impossible world. Everyone worries about money. I remember telling my mom that with all the medical expenses we incurred, we could be millionaires right now. But then she told me, “None of them was ours. They were all given and donated for you to get better” Then it hit me how so many people are always willing to help. When I needed my first chemo immediately, my mom’s brother and friends willingly gave us money. When the bill was too high to be paid in cash, my mom’s friend went to the hospital and swiped her credit card. When there was a problem with my health card, my dad’s friends did everything to get it approved. Whenever we are about to be discharged from the hospital, help from my colleagues and friends would always come. I remember a dear friend of mine giving me P50,000.00 just because they have extra blessings in their family. Colleagues from Manila, Amsterdam, and Singapore pooled funds to help me with my medical bills. I receive so many messages saying that the only thing they can do for me is pray. Please know that prayers mean everything! I am blessed to have so many prayer warriors. I am deeply touched with the help I’ve been receiving. Even until now, my friends haven’t stopped creating fundraising events for my transplant. Miracles are indeed everywhere. You just have to stop and realize them.

Series of events led us to losing our house at the same time while I am battling cancer. It was heartbreaking. I kept on thinking why does these have to happen at the same time? With God’s grace, we were able to find a new place to stay immediately – as if it was handed to us without any glitches. I take this struggle as God’s way of telling us to start something new. I read a quote saying “You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick” so maybe this is my new beginning.

Waiting Patiently

I am currently on my 15th day of confinement. I had 5 days of intensive chemo and now that my white blood cell count is down to 0.15, we are waiting for it to shoot up, so the stem cell harvest can be done. The waiting game is not easy. My counts are low, hence, I had a platelet transfusion and will be having a blood transfusion in a bit. I currently have a fever. My electrolytes are low too. For the past few days, some of you may know that I feel a bit down. I feel like I am not as strong as before when I was first battling cancer. I feel like I am so tired from everything. I just want to go home. But of course I will not stop fighting. I have so many angels standing with me in this fight and I won’t let them down.

I recently had a chat with one of the nurses that will handle my transplant. He was so informative because he told me what I should expect. Hearing his stories scared me. He said that when stem cells are transplanted back to me, I will experience a 40-degree fever, problems with the GI tract (this one is what I’m scared of the most), stomach pains, unable to eat anything to the point that my nourishments have to be given thru IV, that familiar feeling of weakness due to chemo but this time, it is more intense. The good news is, this will not last forever. I just have to endure the pain for a few days or weeks. But I admit, knowing these scared me so much that I had to cry to my parents.

I am almost there! I am wishing and hoping that I will be cured and cancer will never ever come back for my family.

#lymphoma #stem cell transplant #chemotherapy #Cancer

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