#mlbwriting
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So I just thought of this random MLB prompt and I want it to happen. Or at least, I want to someone to write it so I can read it and cherish it forever:
Master Fu and Alya grocery shopping together(somehow) when they meet at a local supermarket in their neighborhood.
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Just a little post to say hi and all... So...
Hi👋🏻
I decided to start fresh so I deleted all of my older posts (which were almost all fandom reposts), and am now ready to start posting my own stuff...
Basically this is a place for me to dump my thoughts and random writing, which I'm trying to write down daily to help me overcome my dissociation and emotional detachment from myself.
Also maybe some short stories or whatever, we'll see...🤷🏻♀️
Until I start posting here though (and after too ofc) you are more than welcome to check out my IG account @MLBwrites (same as here).
Also thinking about making an introduction post about me, idk, we'll see...
That's all for today, bye👋🏻🧡
#just a random post to say hi you can ignore#idk#random#hi#starting fresh#starting new#random writings ahead
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Michelle, ma belle
ASSIGNMENT: USING ONLY OTHER PUBLISHED QUOTES, CREATE SOMETHING OF YOUR OWN.
"Michelle, ma belle"
It's been a long time
Now I'm coming back home
I've been away now
Oh how, I've been alone
Is there anybody going to listen to my story
All about the girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so much
It makes you sorry
Still, you don't regret a single day
I sat on the rug, biding my time, drinking her wine
We talked until two and then she said, "It's time for bed"
If I needed someone to love
You're the one that I'd be thinking of
I told a girl that my prospects were good
And she said baby, "It's understood”
Do what you want to do
And go where you're going to
Take your time, don't hurry
Say the word and you'll be free
Carve your number on my wall
And maybe you will get a call from me
If I needed someone
When I call you up
Your line's engaged
I have had enough
So act your age
We have lost the time
That was so hard to find
And I will lose my mind
If you won't see me
Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
The other day I saw you
As I walked along the road
But when I saw him with you
I could feel my future fold
It's so easy for a girl like you to lie
Let this be a sermon
I mean everything I've said
Baby, I'm determined
In my life I love you more
***Note: all quotes were taken from the lyrics of The Beatles' Rubber Soul album***
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I often find myself fantasizing about the day that I will miraculously become entirely selfless while walking around campus-- reflecting, people watching, day-dreaming...
the day that I will no longer be jealous when I see my guy talking to a girl, or my friend choosing another friend over me, or my parents commending my sister rather than me. and I mean this in the most general sense. I fantasize about some glorious day where the sun is shining and the air is clean, and crisp and suddenly I no longer care. I no longer feel obligated to do or say things out of guilt. I no longer find myself worrying about why things occur the way they do. I no longer overanalyze those things. I no longer get offended by simple critiques or requests, and just do them.
but I've come to terms recently with the fact that this isn't going to be a glorious day in the future when I out of the blue decide to cut the negativity out of my life and move forward with whatever's left...this is an uphill climb that I have to work at consistently in order to achieve the peace of mind that I yearn for. I hate this. I wish it wasn't like this. and thus, it is.
so it goes.
and so I keep walking.
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I'm gonna go ahead and say that being conscientious of certain feelings that you possess about another person, but then being entirely in the dark...not a clue...no real idea or guarantee if their feelings are the same as yours---- is one of the scariest feelings in the world. Which how do we really know if anyone's feelings can be matched? Is one person's most passionate love only equivalent to their counterpart's mildly in love phase? Can some people love deeper, and more, than others?
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today was my favorite but tomorrow will be my other favorite
Today was a great day. A plain, old, great day.
(Aside from some bullshit)...it was quite possibly one of my favorite days of summer and I know that tomorrow will be just as great, if not better, at Lolla.
There isn't a feeling in the world that can compare to the feeling of going to bed happy.
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I like being alone
like winding around roads with your headlights on, windows down, and wind darting up against you, with the radio softly humming, and your eyes glued ahead
it's the unnecessarily long, piping hot shower that I look forward to the most each day
the moment when you turn your cheek flush against your pillow and the icy fabric practically paralyzes you. numbing your body and suddenly you realize that you are more exhausted than you thought
embracing the incredible feeling that being entirely alone provides
and running off of that feeling day in and day out
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some revelations
I feel a lot better now than at this time last year...but in very few ways a little more apprehensive.
A little more apprehensive because I've witnessed first hand, how things can go from seemingly great, to tearing at the seams, to shattered. And I don't want to experience it again. And I don't wish for anyone I know or care about to experience the pain that brought me.
However, and more importantly, I feel a lot better. I feel secure in Iowa City. I have my friends. I have my home there. I have established my niche, all that's left is to get to work. I am more comfortable with who I am today than ever before...my bossy HBOC days of senior year included. I feel like I am expressing myself best now and I am the truest form of me. And because of these things-- because I am the most comfortable with myself NOW as I've ever been, I also feel the most fearless. The most willing to choose the path less taken. The most willing to take a risk. The most willing to wade out into deeper water...because this time I know that I can swim alone if I need to.
I am happy with things. Genuinely happy. I don't want this feeling to end--ever. I can't wait until the day I feel like this feeling is permanently instilled into my heart and soul (if that day will ever come). And if that day DOES ever come-- it will be the best day of my life.
As things progress, continue to grow and blossom, and flourish in amazing ways, that only means that with every passing minute-- there is more to lose.
My anxiety has not broken out of the tight restraints I hold it in in a few months until today, and I was a little scared by the outcome.
I do not want to lose this foundation that has been built upon for some time now because it truly contains the upmost amount of my love in it. I fear it will break me-- yet at the same time, I am confident if it were to become weak-- I'd rise above it, quickly.
Nonetheless, my intentions are to keep my eye on the prize. To maintain focus. To actually DO my THING. Do what I do best. That is when things seem to fall into place...that's when I feel happiest, most at ease, and the least anxiety ridden. I want to be able to stay determined and focused on my personal goals, while maintaining the wonderful relationships I have...the relationships that I never want to end.
I don't see an end to the relationship anywhere along the horizon...even far out into the distance. I can barely even imagine a horizon without the relationship. I like it that way. I like it that way when I feel good about it all. But when I don't, it can sadden me. However, I don't see an end to the relationship ever, because I trust that there could be no legitimate end to something as brilliant as it. And I pray that I am right.
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sometimes I wiggle my toes in bed & listen to yankee hotel foxtrot & everything's better
Prior to my junior year of high school, I had heard of Wilco and knew a few of their more popular radio hits, but never really even put them on the waiting list of my music radar. I just didn't understand the beauty of their work. Didn't appreciate it. Junior year, the wonderful (wonderful in the past, but I'd like to make it clear that this human being is pretty damn awful now...) Mr. Q came around.
We bonded over Wilco, the tone of Jeff Tweedy's sweet, distinct voice, the lyrics, the history of the band and troubles they had with their record label, and all the other bullshit nonsensical stuff that comes along with that...
...one of the best things that I got out of my relationship/friendship/mentorship with the fella was Wilco's undeniably marvelous Yankee Hotel Foxtrot album. It's impeccably pieced together. The music/sound, lyrics, order of tracks, ugh...godamnit, ALL OF IT. Sometimes when I listen to it I begin to physically ache because I find it so heartbreakingly beautiful. I kid you not. If somebody were to ask me for music randomly, on any given day, this album would be #2 of my top 3 (followed by Narrow Stairs). I wish I'd found it on my own, but that's just my arrogant music-lover/finder side speaking...I will give credit where credit is due, and so: thanks, Q.
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Random Realization
I'm not sure why I randomly recalled this this morning as I was drinking coffee on my deck, nevertheless, I had a sort of flashback to lying on my stomach in my house in San Antonio. I was barely three years old and my favorite past time besides reading (yes, I started reading at age three) was to work on puzzles. I had two favorites: 1. my "Madeline by the Seine" puzzle 2. my map of the United States puzzle. I knew where every state was and how to spell each one by the time I was three. I don't even fucking know how that is possible, but it's true, and I know it was when I was three because my sister wasn't around yet. I remembered reciting how to spell Pennsylvania to my mom because that's where all of my cousins and my Poppy lived, and I constantly wanted to go there because I thought flying was scary, but mostly fun.
This led me to remember being at my Great Aunt Bette's house in Waxahachie, TX. Her house was not what my parents used to call a "kid friendly house." Everything in it was worth an incredible amount of money, was from a secluded, ornate shop in a foreign country, and was breakable. I loved it though. I would pretend that the masks they had hanging on their wall from Africa would talk to me, and I'd play with the Russian nesting dolls, and I'd sit in front of this massive standing globe that they had in the den. I'd spin it slowly and feel the grooves of the mountain ranges and deserts that were imprinted onto the globe. I'd try and read the different country names and I'd stretch my fingers out from where we lived to the different places to see how far away they were. I was in awe that the world was such a big place and that I knew so little about it.
And I still am in awe of that.
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Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
And so, I am officially home for summer. It’s a strange feeling. Right now, it’s pretty exhilarating to do the things I’ve missed like drive around aimlessly with the windows down after midnight, lie on my trampoline and make up constellations with my lady friends, and walk naked freely on the second floor of my house. Not to mention the people in general. My parents and sister have already got on my nerves a few times, but that is most definitely expected. So far, so good. I’m staying focused, avoiding naps, and getting shit done. I’ve seen a few special people again now that I’m home, and some people I genuinely look forward to seeing, and others I’m scared of seeing. Or I don’t want to see them because I’m afraid I’ll scare them.
As much as I love all things Iowa City, it feels damn amazing to hug your best gal friend. Moreover, I am excited to hug other friends that I was convinced I’d lost over the course of the year, although according to them, I didn’t (and never did) lose em. I’m especially excited to get ice cream at one of my favorite places in town with Filip later this week. It’s been much too long.
I have a lot of goals set for the summer, and I am more than ready to tackle them all.
bring. it. on.
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Upon my graduation from the University of Iowa...
This is a never ending list that I always fail to actually compile because I'm a fucking dreamer that sets entirely too many goals for herself. Seeing an actual bulleted/numbered list would strike a lot of fear in me, but probably also a lot more motivation so maybe I will work on that this summer. I need to narrow down my focus because ultimately, I'm not going to be able to do everything that I want. Moreover, I'm not always going to get what I want. No matter how hard I may fight for it.
Nonetheless, I've decided within the last couple of days that at some point, I would like to live in NYC. Alone. Not too far from my uncle in Brooklyn. But alone.
Not for the people, or the things, or the name, but for the thrill of it, and because if anyone has the balls to 1. do this 2. not turn up totally fucked up/survive from doing this-- it's me.
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dates
Welp.
Mom (aka Mady) and I just sent our little girl, Gina, on her first date. We told Joseph to have her back before dark and no funny business. Gina was about as nervous as I used to get before a dance competition...she was kind of going crazy with built up anxiety (good anxiety), jumping around, cracking her knuckles, playing with her hair, and giggling about everything. It was undeniably adorable.
I couldn't help but think about my first date and the many dates to come in my life. Getting picked up at your house by your significant other to go to dinner is always the same. There's always butterflies. I look forward to hopefully encountering those butterflies this summer, and unlike my high school bitchass self, I plan on taking advantage of every opportunity for a date that comes my way because DATES ARE AWESOME. This person is willing to drive to your house, open the car door for you, possibly shake your FATHER'S hand, sing in the car with you (which is actually really intimidating and fun if you're a terrible singer like I am), shove food into your mouths while sitting across from each other, kiss a little bit, and then be driven home. This person is willing to spend money, and more importantly, spend their TIME with you. Not everyone will do that. So I've decided to erase any fears of awkward silences, clammy hands, or strange stares, because how bad can it go? And fuck, if it's awful, you can laugh about it the next day, and subsequently, write a tumblr post about it.
Nonetheless, more than anything, I am incredibly happy for my little gal, Gynes. She deserves a solid dude in her life after dealing with a bunch of shits throughout high school that screwed her over time and time again. She's cuter, sillier, and cooler than all y'all.
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happy finals season
a big warm, friendly welcome to finals week is hearing my suitemate and her boyfriend coo at each other and kiss through numerous walls and the kitchen, to then run into him in the kitchen in only his boxers and hear her from bed yell "hurry up, babe."
not.
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My grandpa is cuter than yours...(my birthday card via email)
"Kenzie, you have accomplished more in your few years than lots of folks do over a lifetime!
We are so very proud not only of your academic record, but also of your very impressive actions
of leadership and accomplishments! As I’ve told you before, the future belongs to you and the
other bright young “doers” like you, so take it and use it to your advantage! You sure do make all
the Borders clan beam with pride! We love you! Grandpa Tom & Judy."
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memory
it's crazy to think about what the mind chooses to remember and what it chooses to forget...
6 months ago, ask me anything regarding the subject and I could've spewed off every minuscule detail...and yet now, somehow, I can barely recall a single one of those things. not because I purposely forgot them and erased them from my memory...but because they don't matter anymore. I got busy. and I moved on.
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