just have to crylaugh when a perfectly random innocuous thing slams into you like a fucking freight train and reminds you that no, actually, you're never going to stop being traumatized about your dead parents

okay finally listened to the entirety of the ttpd anthology and here are my picks for the 1 person who asked (it was me):

• stand-outs from the og version: fortnight, but daddy i love him, florida!!!, who's afraid of little old me?, loml, i can do it with a broken heart, the alchemy

• stand-outs from the anthology: the albatross, how did it end?, so high school, i hate it here, the prophecy, peter, the bolter, robin

random opinions:

• imgonnagetyouback is like a weaker version of get him back by olivia sorry not sorry (the bridge slaps so hard tho like fr she came in STRONG)

• was really hyped for cassandra bc florence's cassandra is one of my all time faves but ngl it was a bit underwhelming. maybe it'll grow into me but idk it was forgettable. also really similar to mad woman but not as good

• the prophecy and peter should've been on the main album like holy fucking shit these are some of her best songs ever

• i am uncomfortable with the amount of matty songs we got but they're all bangers so thanks ig

• i'm not gonna lie, i felt a little secondhand embarrassment listening to thank you aimee like. girlie u could've been a little less obvious. also the song itself is very weak compared to the rest of the album.

• i hate it that i relate to i hate it here that much

final opinions:

it's one of the most intricately written albums taylor has ever put out. her lyricism is off the charts here, literally at the top of her game. her features with post and florence are also some of her best feats i'm not gonna lie.

summoning the music critic in me, i believe the melodies, while fantastic too, can be a bit weak and underwhelming in some songs (which is bound to happen with a 31 song album). her great lyricism also ends up affecting some songs negatively in the way that some parts of them become too wordy, but nothing you can't get used to. last but not least, i think the biggest drawback for this album is how long it is. i personally think that cutting out a few songs could've made it more coherent sonically and thematically (most of it is coherent but i can think of like 5 songs that could've been cut and it wouldn't make a big of a difference).

despite my initial critiques, i really enjoyed this album. again, do yall understand how good a 31 song album has to be to have about 5 "filler" songs??? it feels like a half midnights-folklore love child, half something only taylor knows and i'm SO here for it. there's banger after banger and some of her greatest songwriting feats ever. her lower register also shines here and i absolutely love it!!!

anyways, i'm extremely sleep deprived and i'll probably delete this later. and remember, this is just the opinion of a stranger on the internet who doesn't affect you in any way. if you don't like just keep scrolling.

For the emoji asks. Idk if we can choose more than one but these are the ones that caught my eye .. ✅️⛔️❌️😅👀🤗

✅️ - Something that appears over and over? I mean someone does. It's Ruggie. Some how I will slip him into different fics even if it's not actually about him. That and... Dubious undertones. I promise I don't mean to write it that way with certain content. It happens subconsciously The writers barely disguised fetish...

⛔️ - A fic I started and scrapped... I have a few that are rotting away in my drafts if I ever decide to try to write them again. One was a Silver consensual somno fic, another was Yandere!Ruggie in Camp Vargas, another was Ruggie but he was your sleazy drug dealer... Oh my god the one of Leona showing you how to roll a blunt after sex... Maybe... Maybe I'll come back to some of these later... I might have old screenshots if I decide I still want these.

❌️ - Trope I will never write is character death. Or like my fav attending my real death funeral/grave. Why? I won't write angst. I get so depressed over stuff like that. I am weak.

😅 - You wanna know what it is? The fic I am embarrassed about? The one I hate? I wish I could delete it and no one would know? Swimming Lessons. Which is one of my popular fics. And I fucking hate it. From the bottom of my soul I am so embarrassed by that fic. It's rushed and smacked together and the original plan I had I scrapped halfway through. And it was rushed and finished at 4am. I hate it so so sooooo much. That shit is so Frankenstien'd together it looks like an AI Generator wrote it. Literally the child I love the least.

👀 - Up and coming... There's a lot haha. I have lots of stuff sitting and rotating around as I work on my commissions. Oh, I'll show you the beginning of the 20k one coming. Lots of smut so I hope you're hungry.

A Lion & A Lizard

🤗 - To new writers, I offer you the advise that my idol gave me: You need to write only to make yourself happy. Before you ever think of commissions or requests, always make sure to write something because that's what YOU want. If you want to write about Deuce Spade hugging you then do that because it makes you happy. Ruggie Bucchi smoking with me after a hard day of work? I want to write that because it satisfies me. Write because in the end, it's a hobby. And hobbies are super fun as long as you allow them to be. If it doesn't spark joy? Scrap it. I'll cheer you on okay?

Almost done binging Netflix's Dark and Some Updates on hiatused Fics

Okay, I deleted my cringey post from however long ago, two days ago, whatever. I mean, in a way this blog is dead. I don't reaaaally feel like posting anything on here in particular, and I kinda never have. IDK when I will be drawing again, and I'm pulling away from social media in general becuz it's actually making me less inspired and more distracted.

Okay, I'll just quickly touch on Dark and move on. If you've read my fic "Powerless", which I stupidly deleted becuz I was worried readers were gonna feel ship-baited (becuz I didn't know when the NaruHina was ACTUALLY gonna happen) but for the past 3 years I wish I had left it up, it's been nearly 5 years now since I started it... AGHHHH!!! Okay, recurring angst out of the way, Dark S3 reminded me of what I was going for with Powerless. So... While time travel will not be involved at all, cosmic-level mysteries are definitely part of it. And I'll be working on the official plot again on the side. (it's still probably going to suck though, haha, what a reason to never update something, it never gets to suck if you don't let it. :P )

Fanfic Updates:

*more pained screaming* AHHHH!!! Had to get the cringe out of the way. Trying really hard here to get back to 21 Days but I feel so embarrassed, I don't know why. I just looked at it and had to click away, guhhh... T _ T Must be my writing, it's almost 3 years old. Where does the time go? I'm so sad. I have to retcon shit by 2 chapters. I totally forced the plot point of Sasuke taking his police test too early. I'm no longer attached to that development, which is good, because by holding onto it, I was staying stuck. Ch 20 is fine in of itself, but it's so, so short and not amazing. Totally a transitional chapter but whatever the new chapter is, it's going to be like... Ch 20's content plus more, and then Ch 21 is going to be something else entirely.

I know that there's nothing wrong with AWY in its current state, and even with the way it is right now it's like an arc has ended and I have to start a new arc, but I'm not feeling the last chapter anymore either. I think the way Kurenai is and how they kinda made up was totally accepted and even enjoyed? But it's not working for me. So I'm adjusting all of that.

As for Runner's High, I've written several new different outlines and such, so far I'm leaning on... and this is because I watched Run with the Wind last spring precisely for research... I'm leaning on Naruto being a college athlete and his team goes to a resort for training and it happens to be the one that I originally wanted him to work at -- maybe he will still work there at some point, I'm still figuring that all out. But I'm abandoning the 'hotel/hospitality management' major aspect because it's not really a necessary degree to move up the hierarchy. He can be a front desk boy and already be on the path to hotel owner, give or take years and years of experience, and then, y'know, not even know if that's what he wants until later. I still think Uzushio can be like a bankrupt country that he wants to go back to and revitalize and whatnot. Maybe. I've totally disconnected from my old plans and the previous version of the fic, so whatever becomes up the reboot is gonna be whatever it's gonna be, and it's not going to be the same lol. It literally cannot be the same. Lightning in a Bottle. But it's still a fun story that I want to write either way. It's a niche that needs to be filled, among other things.

Alright, I think that's all. Sorry, I'm not more succinct with this stuff, I know it's rambly as hell lol.

If I go by the metric of: post a link to a book on sale on Twitter-->wait and see how many clicks that sale gets-->usually zero, or maybe one or two, then Twitter does not actually get my name out there or increase sales or even raise awareness among the people who follow me that I have books out.

I don't have any other stat information from them. I probably get even fewer clicks from Tumblr, but Tumblr is a chaotic mess and was never really a factor in sales anyway as far as I know.

Twitter, however, is one of the few free avenues left for authors to talk with people or promote themselves or whatever. (There is Facebook also but I hate Facebook and I am not interesting enough to maintain a FB group with wacky hijinks or whatever happens over there. Also the culture of random authors inviting you to groups or just putting you into their groups??? Don't like that.)

But, since we've established that a) m/m romance and queer romance have some overlap but are very different and I am not really in m/m romance even when I try to be b) I am incapable of talking to people or making friends c) I am not the sort to do long Twitter threads about writing or the publishing industry because I know nothing, then Twitter seems like just a waste of my energy.

PLUS, while I enjoy seeing differing viewpoints and stuff on there, writing Twitter or romance Twitter or whatever just exacerbates my 'I don't belong here/I am not wanted here' constant internal spiraling. (So, btw, do most of the few m/m or queer romance review sites. Everybody seems to know everybody they care to know. That probably isn't (entirely) true but.... I have scars from several fandoms now as well as my early days with DSP, and the sense that I am the embarrassing weird white trash cousin to these people has never really gone away. I sometimes get authors messaging me... but anonymously or in private only. Like I am fine to read but not okay to be seen with??? I don't know what that is about either, but it doesn't help my issues. Also nearly every single one of them either writes for a living or has some white collar type day job and idk what to even say to them because their problems are not often my problems.)

hmm this is probably a case of real life invisible person issues/mental health issues regarding grief and the pandemic etc merging with book failure but.... that shit isn't for me. (I have related whining about how tired I am of having to do everything myself and figure out everything myself but, you know, I'll just let that build up toward my breakdown later.) Twitter's algorithm is about getting you to click stuff and engage, not your mental health. But even with that, I think some of this is just how book/romance/whatever Twitter operates. It has cliques and blind spots like anything else.

I do really like hearing and seeing stuff from different people about their experiences. But I also really cannot handle much else from Twitter, and Twitter itself does not give me anything in return for the stress. But deleting feels self-destructive considering it took me literal years to get even 300 followers there. If I deleted and then had to get a Twitter for promo again in the future, I'd have to do that all over again. :(

Also, I know there is High Romance and romance (much like High Fantasy and fantasy) and that romance tends to be light, frothy, easily consumed funtimes. But so many books seem to like to do "MC or LI has gone through an experience that would actually deeply affect them, but we are just going to do that on the surface and make it, like, sexy angst, not the real angst" and I think that is actually a big part of why so many of those books can be confusing or flat or irritating to me. Which is unfortunate, because I do want fun stuff to read. But those books are like watching shows on CBS--yeah sure it's fun, but then you're like, LET THE CHARACTERS TALK AND GROW. WAIT THIS PERSON WOULD BE DEALING WITH THEIR TRAUMA FROM THIS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES, NOT JUST SAD FOR ONE EPISODE--and then, if you are me, you have to stop watching because the frustration gets to be too much.

(Sorry. There is A LOT going on in my head right now and I am trying to get some of it out or at least organized.)

Janis & Grace

Janis: quick question Janis: how good of a lawyer is Mia's dad Grace: he gets paid a lot obvs so like ??! Grace: the type who doesn't lose Janis: hmm Janis: then if anyone asks I was with you yeah Grace: OMG Grace: what did you do Grace: also who's believing you were with me ever Grace: if you want a real sounding alibi ask your bf Janis: nothing yet Janis: but she's already said if I touch her, her daddy will sue 🙄 Janis: sadly he is at work Janis: we could be fighting, don't need to be getting along Grace: so don't touch her! Janis: please Janis: if her dad is any kinda lawyer he ain't taking cases every time his bitchy daughter gets what's coming to her Grace: he's still the kind of dad who'll believe every word she says & overreact Grace: literally don't Janis: idc Janis: she needs to be shown she ain't as untouchable as she thinks Grace: bitch I care Grace: ugh if you have to take her down use something other than your fists Grace: it's not like it's hard Janis: yeah you just don't wanna be embarrassed Janis: sorry 'bout it Janis: and I ain't got any interest getting into that petty bitchiness Grace: I don't want what you do to come back on me Grace: not sorry about it Grace: just be a girl FOR ONCE Grace: I've managed not to hit her ever Janis: I told you, I don't care Janis: this isn't about you Janis: she isn't talking about you, constantly Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: UM hello yeah she is Janis: not that same but Janis: all the more reason to have no issue then isn't it Grace: I don't care about her, duh Grace: you could get in so much trouble for this Janis: I ain't got no priors so good luck to 'em Grace: OMG be serious Grace: how is she worth this Grace: it won't stop her being a bitch Grace: it'll just give her a chance to be a victim Janis: I am Janis: yeah it will Grace: are you gonna kill her? UM I think not Grace: just get over it Grace: this is what she does & she'll get bored Janis: um fuck off Janis: and that's the plan, she'll get bored long before I get tired of kicking the shit out of her Grace: ugh Grace: why are you even telling me about this Grace: if you're not going to listen to anything I say Janis: alibi, like I said Grace: when was the last time I lied for you?! Grace: we were like 5 Grace: I'm literally the worst person to ask Janis: 🙄 Janis: it ain't hard Grace: it's not the point Grace: you think I wouldn't LOVE to hit her Janis: no one's stopping you Grace: she's stopping me Grace: her dad's stopping me Grace: 😱😱 Janis: nah Janis: just an excuse Grace: that I don't want her to ruin my life Grace: sure Janis: you're so dramatic Grace: & she's worse Grace: you literally know that Janis: yeah, you're both all talk Grace: how is this an attack on me now Grace: I'm trying to help you bitch Janis: let's not lie Janis: you've already said this is about yourself Grace: you want me to be sorry for trying to skip more drama with her?! excuse me no Janis: I ain't inviting you to come watch Grace: obvs Grace: that'd be the only worthwhile part so of course you're not Janis: I ain't doing this for you period Janis: idk why you're labouring under that misapprehension Grace: idk why you think I am Grace: I know why you're doing it Grace: you don't know how else to handle literally anything ever Janis: rich coming from you Janis: never handled anything in your life, miss doormat Grace: whatever Grace: if it's not about me don't drag me into it Grace: or drag me at all Janis: get over yourself and don't be a snitch Janis: that's what family does Janis: all you have to do is say I was home, you know the drill Grace: you don't get to play the fam card every time you wanna bully me into something Grace: get over yourself Grace: ask one of the others Janis: newsflash, you ain't being bullied Janis: but fine Grace: fine Janis: Jesus, we all know you're gonna make friends again in a day or two Janis: she wouldn't blame you would she Grace: duh Grace: for some reason SHE'S always been under the misapprehension I can control anything you do Grace: god knows why Grace: it's worse when we aren't friends so Janis: well likewise Janis: so go kiss and make up if you're so against this Janis: get her off my back Grace: I've already told you I'm not Grace: I just don't want you to do it Janis: 👍 Janis: makes sense Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: can you just NOT Janis: no Janis: take it up with her Janis: she's the one who's forced my hand Grace: okay Grace: I will Grace: what did she do? Janis: ha Janis: you're alright Grace: fine Janis: you don't get to play the fam card either, babe Grace: I'm not even Grace: I'm playing the her ex-best friend card Grace: but sure Janis: how has that ever helped me Grace: excuse you Grace: I've done so much damage control for you literally all the time Janis: oh yeah dead worth it that Janis: dying for her approval and deffo got it Grace: ugh Grace: yeah cos that's the goal Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: what was the goal Janis: 'cos you failed either way Grace: not ending up here Grace: this is what happens when I'm not there to do it duh Grace: she gets even more extra Janis: so Janis: I wanna slap the cunt Grace: I can't stop you Grace: so do I Janis: don't try then Janis: laters Grace: whatever babes Janis: ✌ Grace: 👋 Grace: [a bit later] Grace: okay Grace: I'll do it Janis: do what Grace: you can say you were with me Janis: tah Janis: was gonna anyway but nice to know you ain't gonna shop me Grace: how rude Grace: you can't ask me & then do it anyway if I say no Janis: well don't need to now do I Janis: 👍 Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: she's stupid enough to come meet me she lowkey deserves it yeah Grace: has she said she will Janis: yep Janis: probably thinks I'll finally fuck her or something Grace: eww Janis: I know Janis: either that or she's really that delusional and thinks she can win Grace: obvs Grace: like you said babes, she thinks she's untouchable Grace: that you won't do anything besides threaten her Grace: 👑 bitch Janis: yeah well Janis: she's never known me like she reckons has she Grace: duh nobody knows you Grace: just that boy of yours Grace: she wishes Janis: yeah Janis: enigma, me Grace: mhmm Janis: what's her deal anyway Janis: seriously Grace: I'm gonna need you to be more specific Grace: more issues than Vogue isn't just a t-shirt slogan in her case Janis: 🙄 Janis: nah but Janis: why is she such a miserable bitch all the time Grace: the daddy issues you think I have Grace: all Mia Grace: her mum's a highkey bitch too but idk if it's better or worse when she's here or working away Janis: hmm Janis: not enough of a reason, sorry Mia Grace: she doesn't need a reason Grace: she likes being a bitch Janis: obviously Janis: how long she reckon it'll keep her going though Janis: gonna have to form a personality one day Grace: her dad's got enough money she doesn't need one Janis: that'll only work on other shit people Janis: and even then, limited time Grace: duh 💍 a rich boy who doesn't have one either Grace: hook up with all his friends Grace: kids so she gets more 💸💸 in the divorce Janis: then she'll have shown mummy and daddy Janis: by being exactly like them Janis: as bad as this fam Grace: yeah obvs Janis: she got any fit cousins she could hit up? Grace: eww Grace: she doesn't have any cousins or I'd have hit them up by now Janis: just saying, sounds exactly like mckenna Janis: and eww, yourself, gracie Grace: don't even eww me babes Grace: you have your ways of getting revenge on her & I have mine Janis: thought you didn't want to be like her Grace: I don't want to be a lot of things Grace: 🤷🤷🤷 Janis: 🙄 Janis: no one is making you fuck her imaginary cousins Grace: I didn't say they were Janis: then don't Grace: I'm not doing anything Janis: chat shit Grace: says you Janis: fuck off Janis: you blab, I do Grace: sure babes Janis: Take a picture if you like Janis: told you you ain't coming Grace: She'll take 100s Grace: it's fine Janis: doubt it Janis: no facetuning this Grace: like I said, she'll love getting to play the victim Grace: thinking she can turn me against you like I'm so 💔💔💔 Grace: I'll see it all Janis: enjoy then Grace: thanks Janis: the least you could do, tbh Grace: what does that even mean Janis: means I only have to deal with her at all 'cos of you Janis: so I ain't gonna feel sorry for you about it, like Grace: literally did not ask Grace: there's no reason to feel sorry for me anyway Janis: well, you did Janis: see above Grace: no I didn't Janis: whatever Janis: you always do Grace: literally don't Grace: ever Grace: but 👌👌 Janis: probably want to work on that then, don't you Grace: sure thing babes Janis: 👌 Grace: are you going now? Grace: or when Janis: already there Janis: probably still picking her outfit Grace: well you don't wanna get blood on just anything Janis: 🙄 Grace: 🤷 Janis: right Janis: she's here Janis: remember our deal Grace: we only just made it Grace: I'm not that stupid Janis: I mean, no backing out Janis: like you said, she'll be coming at you for sympathy, no switching sides and dropping me in it Grace: v hilarious Grace: that's never worked on me, babes Grace: me switching sides is never about her Janis: [fight] Grace: ugh she's messaging me already Grace: have you even left yet Janis: barely Janis: not sticking around though Grace: where are you going? Janis: idk yet Janis: just running Grace: barely anyone's home if you wanna make the most of that Grace: later or whatever Janis: yeah Janis: maybe Janis: it's an adrenaline thing Janis: you wouldn't know Grace: obvs not Janis: what's she saying then Grace: nothing you need to hear Grace: I don't need to either Grace: so cringe so boring Janis: go on Janis: how's she spinning it Janis: like I attacked her out of nowhere Janis: not that I gave her warning and she still showed up Grace: duh Janis: 😂 Janis: good thing I screenshotted before she could delete that convo Grace: she uses screenshots against everyone herself Grace: so stupid Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: she is Janis: rather chat shit on me than be smart about it Janis: her own fault Grace: yeah Grace: like I said I'm not 💔💔 Janis: obvs Janis: her dad can't be either Janis: it's all there in writing Grace: she tried to call him & he didn't pick up Grace: or she's telling me that to add to her sob story idk Janis: seriously Janis: she's such a pussy Grace: not news babes Grace: I've known her forever Janis: so have I Janis: unfortunately Grace: 🤞 you're cancelled to her now Janis: like to think she's not as highkey as Harry Janis: not even seen my tits, calm down Grace: nobody's as highkey as him Grace: I have the ugly tattoo to prove that Janis: 😂 Grace: ugh Grace: also lowkey offensive that they've both seen my boobs & aren't as about me Grace: so rude Janis: 🤔😏 Janis: knew it Grace: at least Ri can't be extra if I get a boob job Grace: she's all about body confidence Janis: let yourself finish puberty first bitch Grace: like I'm gonna get a last minute rush to make me hot Grace: oh please Janis: 🙄 Janis: better get a job Janis: not cheap Grace: or a sugar daddy Grace: Too late for Mia's dad now which is tragic Janis: how you gonna do that uggo Grace: bitch you better be calling him ugly & asking about my technique Grace: if you're calling me ugly I'll actually kill you Janis: you said it first Janis: I'm just agreeing Grace: thanks so much Grace: you're the worst Janis: don't say thing you don't mean Grace: I mean it Grace: but that doesn't mean I want it confirmed by you Janis: never been here to make you feel better Janis: soz Grace: obvs Grace: I've known you forever too Grace: you don't need to tell me that, babes Janis: sounds like you forgot Grace: how & why could & would I Janis: fishing for compliments, like Grace: it was a threat, honey Grace: I need your fake compliments as much as I need your real rudeness like Janis: nah Janis: way before that Janis: and you've forgotten who you are if you're threatening me Grace: oh please Grace: when? Janis: really Janis: we aren't rehashing this whole convo Janis: it's done Grace: we aren't rehashing it cos I've literally never wanted never mind tried for a compliment from you Janis: like I said, gonna wanna work on that then Grace: no thanks Janis: then deal with the fact that's how you come across Janis: no real bother to me either way Grace: I could care less how I come across to you Grace: so again no thanks Janis: ain't me Grace: you're the only one saying it rn Grace: nobody else is Janis: 👍 Janis: not to your face Grace: I'll add it to the list of things people are saying behind my back then Grace: thanks so much Grace: like I don't know what is said about me Janis: stop acting so surprised then? Grace: I'm not Grace: I'm over having to hear it Grace: especially from you Janis: 💔 Grace: sure Janis: you are Janis: keep telling you, do something about it Grace: I keep telling you, leave me alone Grace: I don't need your pro tips babes Janis: clearly do Grace: you obvs wish Janis: nah Janis: it's a real pain in the arse Grace: feel free to leave my inbox any time Janis: why should I Grace: cos it's such a hardship for you Grace: keep complaining though Grace: love that Janis: nah, you're a hardship Janis: you ain't going anywhere Janis: this is easy Grace: 💔 Grace: 🙏 for my death bitch that's worked really well for you up to now Janis: works in mysterious ways, init Grace: obvs Janis: always tomorrow Grace: 🤞🤞 Janis: 'til then Grace: 👌 Janis: you'll just have to get over it, yeah? Grace: mhmm Janis: if she ever gets hold of her dad, fill the 'rents in Grace: ew no Janis: 🙄 Janis: just tell them she's bullshitting, is all you have to do Grace: no Grace: I've had enough of them both being extra Janis: well they'll be even worse if you let them freak out Grace: they aren't gonna be freaking at me Grace: so whatever Janis: me either Janis: so go off Janis: have fun Grace: will do Janis: 😏 Grace: 🙄 Janis: can you manage to pass on one tiny message at least Grace: I could I just don't want to Grace: like I said Janis: okay just show your screen to 'em Janis: 👋 don't wait up lads Grace: tell them yourself Grace: you typed it out to me, pass it on Janis: nah Grace: 🤷🤷🤷 Janis: see Janis: you always backdown first Janis: own it Grace: that's me saying I don't care if you don't Grace: nothing else Janis: sure Grace: when you get 100s of calls from dad cos I haven't told him you will be yeah Grace: have fun with that Janis: I can survive without my phone Janis: imagine that Grace: so proud 💕 Grace: I'm sure your boyfriend will be thrilled Janis: I'm sure you know nothing about him Grace: 💔 Janis: mhmm Grace: only that I won't have you in my inbox once you're phoneless Grace: really tragic Janis: back to it being just Mia Janis: like the good old days Grace: she wishes Janis: I'm sure Grace: bye then Janis: ttfn Grace: 👋