gus falling for matt first is funnier to me. cannot change my mind.

Oh abso-FUCKING-lutley it's one of my favorite versions of Gustholomule soley because of the comedic potential

Here's some old art

rant so just skip if you don’t care

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So the other day my da made a dress joke to me when we walked passed a wedding shop and he turns around and says I should get one, I don’t think anyone other than my sister understands how serious that fucks me up mentally and I’m still thinking ab it

And that same day he drop me, my ma and sister to a trans pride, which my mom told me ab that day super last minute and I later found out from my sister she didn’t expect me to go cause it was so last minute but I did anyway. And I was honestly nice to hear everything they had to say and actually be able to like relate to other people and not feel so anxious and alienated in public, like it so nice to go out and feel good ab myself for once and that happy streak kept going for most of the day until that moment.

Like what went off in your fucking head like? This another one of your fucking ‘trying to be funny’ moments? And I couldn’t even react to is as my usually pissed of defense self cause of my good mood so I just gave him an “ew no.” And then my day was ruined but we were on are way home so at least it was over and I could just go back to my room and hide.

I knew the day was going to well, I hate being too happy It makes me distracted, like I know better I expect nothing always so I’m never disappointed, can’t be hurt if I never felt it in the first place. As if my dysphoria wasn’t getting worse to the point now when I wake up in the morning I have to put on my binder and hoodie before I leave my room and even then it’s still horrible.

Or today my mom is actually making them effort and trying to sign me up for clubs and that’s all good at least she trying, but I bet she doesn’t even know the shit it know, like she’s probably expecting me to go to this place and pick a name and all that shit, but fuckinf late if I’m honest and you handled it shit the first time in completely crushing me with my first name, before I even told her she butted in an told me it had to be close to my birth name so SHE could remember it, cause fuck me right? My entire life I’ve felt second hand in everything, it’s never ab me on my own for a second and it’s gone on for so long that when something is ab me or me getting involved I feel like I don’t deserve it, I’m not good enough for it, I put everyone before me, I don’t like wasting my parents money I rarely even ask for everything cause I don’t deserve it, I only get sales iteams. I hate attention I don’t like projecting myself cause I feel so unimportant like there’s better things people can be doin than paying attention to me. I just like to watch now and see people get better cause honestly I don’t care ab myself.

And my mom loves to comment on everything I do as well, if I jsut randomly smile she wants a reason behind it, I’m so jsut to having an excuse to everything I do, and if I tell her it’s like some fucking dumb video I watched earlier I get called an idiot? Like bitch then mind your business. Or today I haven’t eaten in 2-3 day only water and tea and I acc finished my dinner, cause I thought this is good for me and I need this and I’m feeling kinda good, and when I finished she said something like “pushing the boat aren’t you” which made me feel horrible and want to throw it all back up cause it felt like I had too much and didn’t deserve it and that I should of waited till tomorrow, like most of the times the only reason I’m not horrible to myself cause if I have bad impulses “dead name would do that not Matt” and I just want to be better and start being happy like withh myself and jsut to be able to get up in the morning and jsut feel like its going to be a good day even if it ends badly.

And how drawing is one of my only good coping mechanisms, I’ve tried the good and bad ways and none of them work as well as drawing it’s literally if I stop drawing I stop. Sometimes I feel bad when I’m not talking to people but I continue to post, it’s not cause I don’t care or I’m ignoring them, this is literally my only way to zone out from whatever is bothering me or I just sleep and stay in bed but I try to stay active even if it’s getting a sketch done that’s enough for me

Sorry if this sound like a load of shit but this only a hint of what is bothering me of recent,