#majexatli is like oh im in love and being loved for the first time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-eldritch-it-gay · 3 months

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@thedragonagelesbian replied to your post “Oughhhh they're in love...”:

what's going thru majexatli's mind during the dance?? the people (me) want to know

Oh,.. So much. They're trying to play it cool but their mind is racing so much.

Because like, it's such a genuine and sweet moment, yeah? And Majexatli is I think like, really realizing like "oh he cares about me" and also "oh fuck, I think I seriously care about him". Like, they had kissed Wyll at the tiefling party and from the beginning have been on his side and caring about him. But I think the dance is when they like, properly realize like oh, oh, this is more than just some flirting or a quick fling.

Majexatli has never really been romanced. Over the decades since Althyran, they've hooked up on occasion, and other than those flings, their only prior experience is Althyran. And I think there is a bit of that realization, right, the fact that Althyran never was romantic, he never would have danced with them. They had normalized it so much in their head, convinced themselves Althyran was kind and had at some point cared about him. But the more they experience love and affection now with Wyll, they realize just how much they've missed out on.

There's like, what I said once about how with Althyran, Majexatli wanted some storybook romance. They thought Althyran was some prince charming. All they wanted was a love story where they end up married and have a family, and that's still something they cling to as an ideal. They never got that with Althyran. And now here Wyll is, teaching them how to dance by the fireside, saying how he wants to romance them properly, like the old tales of love sung by bards. Wyll is the ideal partner they've dreamed about. The ideal that they've basically given up on and believed they would never get or deserve.

There is something wonderous and soft and new and blooming and alive in the kindness and love and sincerity Wyll shows towards them.

But it also brings up a lot of fear and doubt and angst.

But! They still have their initial knee-jerk reaction of this has to be an act. And they have the feeling that Wyll loves the persona they've put on, he wants to romance the gentle sage Druid, not the bitter monsterous Malarite that they are. And the guilt that they feel they're lying to him by letting him fall in love with a version of them that is fake.

So you know. There's just. So many layers.

Having a genuine moment of respite from all the horrors

Experiencing genuine romance for the first time in their life

Realizing how much Wyll cares for them and that he loves them

Realizing that they somehow have grown to deeply love and care for Wyll despite everything

Realizing that they can have the fairytale romance they wanted when they were younger

Realizing how far from a fairytale everything with Althryan was

Fearing that if Wyll is genuine, then they've been horrifically dishonest and cruel by letting him fall for a version of them that isn't real

Fearing that maybe Wyll is like Althyran, like they thought initially (they thought Althyran and what he gave them was something picturesque and magical, though know in hindsight it wasn't. What if years down the line they look back and see that they were wrong for believing Wyll was some prince-charming type)

Fearing that they're falling into the same trap they did when they were younger with Althyran.

Fearing that they don't belong in a fairytale romance or a love story

Fun fact. The WIP I've shared a bit of? With Wyll fighting a wolf (that is Majexatli)? Yeah. So. In my canon, that happens the same night, after the dance. They hold themselves together long enough but once Wyll returns to his tent, Majexatli transforms and runs off into the night to tear apart anything they can find that's living.

They don't know how to process everything they're feeling, but to them, their worship of Malar is about honesty, about truth, as messy and violent as the honest truth can be. They need to work through all the issues that Althyran left them with and come to terms with their feelings for Wyll (as terrifying as they are) and Wyll's feelings for them. So much old pain and new worries and unknowns and not knowing how to move forward. And they can't process it all as Majexatli, they need to be the messy imperfect emotional being that they only feel they can be when they're a monster.

Something something fantasy high junior year and all the talk about the relationship between doubt and rage.

#majexatli is like oh im in love and being loved for the first time #and thats wonderful and life changing #but it also means that I've never been loved before this and I can now see everything I was denied and missed out on #and I'm in uncharted waters without a raft #and the only way I can let myself feel emotions fully and let myself be angry at the past and everything #is to be a monster #and I feel like a feral dog being offered kindness and shelter for the first time and I want to bite and hurt before you hurt me #anyways sorry for rambling hfsdjkfdkjdshfskjdhfkjdsf #the fun thing about this is that i'm realizing its almost something I've done before #I've very much hit on like #'being given freedom for the first time is wonderful and intoxicating'#'but being given freedom for the first time also means realizing everything you've been denied before now'#Amal (my Surana) has stuff about that. but they don't have the anger part. they just dissociate #salam plays bg3 #oc: majexatli #the eldritch dragon age

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