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chrvstenpress · 5 years

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dirty af1s

the preath break up au no one asked for. based on Dirty AF1s by Alexander 23.

a/n: I really like this song and Christen always wears her AF1s. I kinda wrote a thing. It’s hella sad but if you stick around for the end hopefully it’ll make up for it.

______________________

you took your smile back to New York

but you left your toothbrush

and I hope you bought a new one but I’d love you toothless

Tobin was hurt. She was broken. She was in love.

She and Christen lived together in Portland. That was, up until two weeks ago when Christen left.

///

“Chris, I don't know what you want me to do!”

“Care, Tobin! I want you to fucking care!”

“I do care! You think I don't care about you? You think that I don't spend every fucking minute - fuck that, every second of my life caring about you?! That’s all I fucking do.”

“Then show me!” “Chris. I love you. I am in love with you. I’m sorry if you think I don't care. I don't know what to fucking do anymore.” The tears had spilled over by now. Both of them were red in the face, wet on the cheeks, and so damn exhausted.

“I think I need time.” Christen spoke into the tense air.

“Baby, no. No. What? Let’s figure this out. Right here, right now. Please.” Tobin stepped forward toward her girlfriend, trying to grab her hand, but Christen moved away before she could.

“I need time, Tobin. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. If you love me like you say you do, let me take my time.”

They stared at each other, hurt evident in their eyes. Tobin didn't want to let her go. She worried that if she let her go, she wouldn’t come back. She would fall out of love with her and stay in New York. But she couldn’t stop her. She couldn't make Christen’s decisions for her. So she nodded. Her tears were burning her cheeks but the pain in her chest was worse.

“Okay.” She whispered. “I don’t want to let you go, Chris.” She tried for Christen’s hand once more, the girl trying to pull away again but the pleading look on Tobin’s face convinced her to let her have this moment. She took Christen’s hand in both of hers, pulling it up to her lips and placing a watery kiss on the knuckles there. Christen broke even harder. “I don't want to let you go, but if it’s what you need, I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. So I'll let you go.”

______________________

Tobin cried what seemed like everyday. Her heart was nearly empty without the green-eyed girl. Her green-eyed girl.

When she would get ready for the day and get ready to sleep at night, she would see Christen’s pink toothbrush right next to her orange one. She didn’t have the heart to throw it out, secretly hoping that the girl would come back and need it again.

She laughed (and then cried some more) the first time she saw it, remembering how Christen always demanded that she brush her teeth before bed or her teeth would fall out.

///

“Babe, go brush your teeth!” Christen laughed as Tobin kissed her a million times.

“Why does my breath smell?” Tobin pulled back with a worried look on her face.”

“No, but it’s just good hygiene, Tobs. If not, your teeth will fall out for not taking care of them.”

“But baby, I just wanna kiss you. Won’t you love me even if my teeth fall out?” She whined with a pout.

“Of course I would. I’d love you forever, no matter what. Now, go.” She shoved Tobin off the bed and toward the restroom.

“I hope you got a new toothbrush, Chris. But I’d love you forever, no matter what, anyway. Even toothless.” She whispered to no one.

______________________

I used to sing while in the shower, now I don't

cause you're not there to sing along

while you put your makeup on

Tobin’s playlist came on the speaker as she showered. She was used to being goofy and singing with her girlfriend as she showered and Christen did her makeup, but not this time.

Again, she was pained with the memories of Christen everywhere in her life.

///

“Tobin, we’re going to be late! We promised Alex we’d be there by 6.” Christen said loudly over the sound of running water and loud music in the restroom as she did her makeup in front of the vanity.

“Chris, it’s fine. Lex is always late anyway. Now sing with me.”

“Every time I look into your eyes I see it. You’re all I neeeeed. Every time I get a bit inside, I feel it. C’mon, baby, right here!”

“Whooooo, who would've thought I’d get yooou” They sang together loudly, laughing at how ridiculous they sounded compared to the angelic voice of Daniel Caesar.

///

Tobin shut her music off, not being able to enjoy it anymore.

______________________

and I love you just the same

but I'm worried words lose weight

does it hit you just as hard from 3000 miles away?

from 3000 miles away, from three-

I used to like to go out before I met you

now I just go out to forget you

put my nice shoes on so strangers

can't tell that I miss your dirty Air Force 1′s

I used to like to go out before I met you

now I just go out to forget you

put my favorite shirt on so strangers

don't know that it looks way better on you

Tobin was a player before she met Christen. She enjoyed hanging out at random bars every weekend, picking up girls to take home and then never talk to again.

And then she met the love of her life. Christen made her lose every interest in any other girl in the world, any chance to have meaningless sex, any chance to fool around.

Now, she’s finding herself getting ready to go back to her old ways. She put on her white Givenchy shirt with ripped holes in it along with her cleanest pair of Nike’s she could find. Christen used to steal that shirt all the time even though she knew it was Tobin’s favorite.

“I just wanna be as cool as you, babe,” she would say. Tobin would always reply, “Well, mission accomplished because you look way cooler than me,” with a smile and a kiss.

“Tobs, are you sure you want to go out tonight?” Alex questioned hesitantly.

“Yeah, why? I’m fine. Let’s go out and have fun, like the old times.”

Alex knew the old times were bad. She knew tonight was going to be bad. But she didn’t have the heart to tell her broken best friend no.

///

Come 11 p.m., Tobin was a wreck. She had girls hitting on her left and right but she wanted none of them. She laid her head on Alex’s shoulder, the two girls tucked into a booth in the far back corner of the bar.

“I miss her, Lex.” Tobin whispered out drunkenly as she cried on Alex’s blouse.

“I know, Tobs. Give it time.”

///

At 1 a.m., Alex dropped Tobin off at home, giving her a glass of water and setting some Advil on her bedside table for the morning. She put Tobin in bed, leaving her with a kiss on the forehead and a promise to check in on her the next day.

Tobin didn't go to sleep, though. Instead, she grabbed her phone and opened up Christen’s contact.

“I lovw yoi and I muss yoy so mucj.” The first text read.

“Do tou mis mw at al? do u caer?” Was the second.

“ur al tje way on rhe orher sife of yhe countri ans I wisj u wer w me.” Was the last before she cried herself to sleep.

She woke up in the morning due to the loud vibrating sound against the wood next to her bed. She grabbed her phone, squinting her eyes and groaning at the brightness of the screen before reading the text from Alex asking how she was doing. She replied that she felt “like shit” and “just woke up” before exiting the conversation and seeing Christen’s contact right below Alex’s.

“Shit.” She cursed to herself, seeing the messy words she sent the girl.

She let out a loud groan before stopping, realizing she was only making her headache worse.

She knew she had to send another message. She fucked up, big time. She didn’t want Christen being left with no explanation.

“Hey. I’m sorry about those messages. I fucked up. I guess I tend to keep doing that. Anyway, I’m sorry again. I hope you’re well.” She sent, her heart aching at the dullness of her message. She didn’t even think about her next action, though. She just did it.

“I do miss you, though. I love you, too. So much. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t fair to you. I just really needed to tell you that. I’ll leave you alone now.” The second message read.

It was the truth. She hated waking up every morning and not seeing the wild, dark, curly hair on both her pillow and Christen’s (because there was that much of it). She missed getting ready together in the mornings, making coffee together, dancing in the kitchen to their favorite songs with no pants on. She missed seeing Christen’s dirty Air Force 1s next to the door. Christen refused to put them anywhere else, hating a mess and insisting that everything had its place.

She sighed, locking her phone and moving to get out of bed. Then her phone vibrated again.

chris<3: please make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Her eyes watered and she bit down on her bottom lip hard I'm attempts to stop the tears from spilling. She wanted her girl back. She had to be better.

______________________

took my heart to california

now it doesn’t work right

yeah, it beats and, yeah, it beats

but, damn, it hurts every night

you’re not lonely just because you are alone

but ever since we said goodbye

well, I just happen to be both

I took my heart to california and now it’s broken

Kelley called Tobin after Alex told her what was going on.

“Tobs, come stay with me for a bit. Get away from that house. It’s not doing you any good.” The freckled woman said gently.

“Kelley, you live in California. It’s too far.”

“No it’s not. Look, I’ll road trip and come pick you up and we can road trip back, too. Tobin, I think it’s best. We’ll even go surfing.”

“Kel, I’m not going to ask you to-”

“Tobin, I offered.”

Tobin let out a sigh. “Yeah, alright.”

///

Kelley was right. Being in that house wasn’t doing Tobin any good, but being away from it was worse. To Tobin, it was leaving behind everything she loved.

She laid in Kelley’s spare bedroom every night wishing she was sleeping in her own bed. The bed she shared with Christen. She missed the permanent dip in in it where Christen laid. She missed their corresponding coffee mugs, even if only one of them had been put to use lately. She missed the houseplants that Christen insisted on buying, and then making Tobin take care of.

California had none of that. California had Kelley. California had surfing. California didn't have Christen.

She took her heart to California and it kept trying to tug her back to Portland. Back to Christen, even though Christen wasn’t there. Her heart worked better in Portland. California just broke it even more.

///

“You’re sure you want to go back, dude?” Kelley’s face was concerned.

“I have to, Kelley.”

“I don't want you to be lonely-”

Tobin let out a laugh. It wasn’t a good one, either. It was laced with hurt and anger and resentment. “Christen left me. She left me alone. I think it’s a little late for that.”

“Hey, you have me and you have Alex. You’re not alone.”

“Yeah,” Tobin nodded, “Sorry I snapped.”

It was a lie. She was lonely. She was alone. She was lonely because she was alone. She wanted her girl back.

______________________

It had been three months since Christen left her. Three months since the girl of her dreams left her. Broke her.

She needed to find herself outside of Christen. She couldn't keep living like Christen would come back any moment now and everything would fall right back into place. Everything was out of place before she left, anyway.

So she started going out, and not like she did before. She went out to museums and art fairs and dog parks; anything but bars. She declined Alex’s company politely, insisting that she needed to be alone with herself.

She even started seeing a therapist. She knew she was fucked up. She knew Christen fucked her up even more. She knew she made a mistake trying to give Christen what she deserved when she wasn’t ready to give that to her.

So she saw a therapist to help her figure things out because another thing she knew for certain was that she loved Christen and she wanted to be better. If not just for herself, for Christen. Even if she couldn’t have her.

________________________

Three and a half weeks later, Tobin’s phone rang while she was doing dishes after dinner. She quickly dried her hands and was anxious when she looked at the screen that read ‘chris<3′ and displayed a goofy picture of the girl in a pink beanie, a gray hoodie (that was Tobin’s), black skinny jeans with holes in the knees, and a foot kicked up in the air, toe pointed, showing off her dirty Air Force 1s that she never left the house without.

She fumbled her phone a bit, hands not completely dry, and answered nervously. “Um, hello?” She felt like this was a prank. Maybe Christen accidentally butt dialed her. Maybe someone found her phone and-

“Hi.” Christen’s voice was soft and easy. When Tobin didn’t say anything, she spoke up again, “It’s me, uh, Christen.”

“Hi.” Tobin didn't know what else to say. Her heart twinged a little at the sound of Christen’s voice, but it warmed more than it hurt.

“Uh, so...” Christen took a long pause before she said, “You know what? Never mind. I’m sorry I called,” in a voice that worried Tobin.

“Hey, hey, no, Chris. What's up? Talk to me.” She couldn't stop herself from showing Christen that she still cared. She always would.

Christen let out a shaky breath. “Um, I don't know. I’m kind of in Portland right now. And I kind of really miss you. And I kind of really want to see you. But I also kind of know that I hurt you. A lot. And you hurt me. A lot. And I’m not sure what to do now.”

Her voice sounded scared but genuine. Tobin let out a short breath that she had been holding since Christen said she was in Portland.

“Can I come get you?”

“Tobin, I-”

“No, Chris. Please. Let me come get you. I promise, I’ll just take you to get coffee and we can talk and nothing more has to happen.”

Christen paused again and let out a small sigh. “Yeah. Okay. I’m actually kind of still at the airport.” Her voice was sheepish, knowing Tobin would catch on to the fact that she flew to Portland and called Tobin before anything else.

Tobin smiled but didn't mention anything about it. “Okay, Chris. I’ll be there in 20. Send me you're flight info so I know where I’m picking you up.”

“Okay. Hey, Tobs?”

“Yeah, Chris?” Tobin’s voice was hopeful after hearing Christen call her by her nickname again.

“Thank you. I kind of can’t wait to see you.”

Tobin was already grabbing her keys and putting on the first pair of shoes she could find as she smiled. “Can you wait 20 minutes, maybe?”

Christen laughed, “Yeah. Yeah I think I can do that. Thank you, again.”

“Always, Chris. Always.” Tobin smiled to herself before saying, “Hey?”

“Yeah?”

“I kind of can't wait to see you either.”

Christen couldn’t stop the smile that made her eyes squint. “20 minutes, Tobs.”

“20 minutes.” Tobin repeated. “I’ll see you then.”

“Okay, see you then. Bye.” Christen hung up just after Tobin said bye back.

“Holy shit.” Tobin said to herself as she backed out of her driveway.

///

“Departures, no. Uuuuuh, arrivals. Arrivals.” Tobin read the signs aloud as she drove into the airport, a nervous reaction she hadn't realized took over her.

When she caught sight of Christen exactly where the girl said she was, she smiled and pulled her car up to the curb, turning the engine off and getting out quickly.

By the time she was rounding the car, Christen was too. When they reached the trunk, they bumped into each other due to the fact that both their heads were down because they were too nervous to look at each other. They both groaned at the contact, holding different parts of their bodies before looking up at each other and laughing.

“Hi.” Tobin breathed out with a shy grin on her face.

“Hi.” Christen mimicked.

“Can I - Can I hug yo-”

Christen didn’t wait for her to finish her question before dropping her hand from holding her suitcase up and wrapping her arms around Tobin’s neck tightly. Tobin fumbled back a step before she returned the hug with equally as much force, wrapping her arms around Christen’s waist and burying her head in the girl’s shoulder.

“I missed you.” They said at the same time, laughing once again at the silliness of the situation.

“You want some coffee?” Tobin questioned after a few moments, voice muffled by Christen’s shoulder.

Christen only nodded into Tobin’s shoulder before pulling back. They separated slowly, shy smiles on both of their faces. Tobin popped the trunk open and lifted Christen’s very large suitcase (which had fallen over after Christen’s hands abandoned it to replace it with Tobin’s body) with ease. She was hopeful seeing that Christen seemed to have come back with as much as she left with, plus some. She shut the trunk closed, turning to the other girl again and grabbing one of her hands, giving it a squeeze along with a sweet smile before moving to get in the car.

///

Tobin held the door to the familiar coffee shop open for Christen and walked in behind her. She looked around for a second, thankful that it was mostly empty (with the exception of a few college kids studying with their headphones on). “Go get us our seats,” she nodded her head over to the small loveseat in the corner that they always sat in, “I’ll order. You want your usual?”

“Yeah, thank you.” Christen smiled before walking over to settle herself on the couch. She sat with one leg tucked under her and her hands in her lap. She played with her own fingers, nervous about the conversation that was about to happen, but so incredibly happy to see Tobin again.

Before she knew it, Tobin was walking back with two paper cups of coffee, steam coming out of the lids. The lighter-haired girl sat down in her spot, exactly the way Christen was seated with one leg under her, and facing the green-eyed girl. Her green-eyed girl (or so she hoped).

She handed Christen her cup, the girl muttering her thanks and immediately bringing the lid to her lips and taking a swig. Before Tobin could warn her that it was hot, the girl yelped out-

“Ow!”

“Woah, you okay?” Tobin pulled the cup from Christen’s face and looked at her worriedly.

“Yeah, I just forgot to blow on it.”

“You always do.” Tobin teased with a gentle smile.

Christen didn’t say anything, only taking her cup back from Tobin’s warm hands and nodding sadly at the memories of Tobin warning her to wait til the drink cooled down (and her never listening). Christen always pouted afterwards from the pain of the heat on her lips. “Babe, I told you to wait,” Tobin would always say. “Kiss it better for me?” Christen would ask with puppy eyes. And Tobin would. She would kiss her so softly, taking all the pain away, and say “Always,” before kissing her another time and pulling away.

“You forgot to warn me.” Christen’s voice was quiet and sad.

Tobin looked at her like she could break any moment now. “Yeah, I did. I’m sorry,” she choked out.

Christen didn't dare ask her to kiss it better like she normally would. They weren't there yet. No matter how much they both wanted to be.

Tobin cleared her throat, trying her hardest not to cry, but Christen saw the tears building in her eyes anyway. She let Tobin take a moment to pull herself together.

“I’m sorry.” Tobin choked out again.

“I know. I’m sorry, too.”

“No, you have nothing to be sorry for. You were right. I didn't show you I cared enough. You deserve so much more than what I gave you.” She was crying now. She didn't feel like trying to hold it back at this point. Her therapist told her not to.

Christen was surprised. Tobin hardly ever cried. The day she left was one of the few times she had seen the girl’s tears.

Her heart broke for the girl, seeing her so vulnerable in such an open setting. She sighed, grabbing one of Tobin’s hands, letting them rest on the girl’s lap. “We weren’t ready.”

Tobin only shook her head and kept crying.

“Tobin.” Christen said sadly.

She shook her head again, tears still falling down her cheeks and finally looking up to meet green eyes. “I’m so sorry, Chris. I’m so fucking sorry for what I put you through, I begged you to stay too many times and I wasn’t making you happy. I was hurting you every time I asked you to stay. When you left, I realized how shitty it was for me to do that. I didn't deserve you. You deserve better than me.”

“Tobin, stop. Stop saying I deserve better than you, in the present tense.”

“You do.”

“Are you telling me that Alex was lying to me when she called and said you changed for the better? Have you not? Should I go back to New York, because Tobin, I really can’t put myself through that pain again.”

Tobin stopped breathing so heavily for a second and furrowed her eyebrows. “Alex called you?”

Christen realized she accidentally let the secret slip, but she didn’t really care. “Yeah. She called me last week and said you’d changed and I should come home. I was hesitant. I didn't know what to think. But she told me you’re going places alone to better yourself. And she told me you’re seeing a therapist. I hope that’s okay.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine,” Tobin sniffled, “I’m sorry she called you. She had no right.”

Christen shook her head with a gentle smile. “I’m kind of glad she did.” She squeezed Tobin’s hand again, enjoying the warmth she found in it.

There were a lot of kind of’s happening. Tobin didn’t know what to make of it. So she just squeezed back.

“Would you have come back if she hadn't called?” Tobin’s eyes dropped again, staring at their conjoined hands on her lap.

Christen let out a deep breath through her nose and rested her head sideways against the back of the loveseat sofa. “I don't know. I think maybe eventually. I needed to know you were okay. After that night that you texted me at four in the morning-”

Tobin winced, “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. It’s in the past. After that night, I would occasionally text Alex to check on you. I didn't want to text you and give you false hope that I was coming back. I didn't know what I wanted at that point. But I think coming back was always in the back of my mind. I just needed time.” The last sentence sounded all too familiar to Tobin, but she was glad this time it was in the past tense. “It hurt me hearing how hurt you were,” Christen continued, “I hated knowing I did that to you-”

“I hurt you first. I deserv-”

“Tobin, don't you dare say you deserved me hurting you back. You know you didn't.”

Tobin nodded but didn’t say anything. Christen took that as her chance to continue.

“I hated knowing that I did that to you. But, I needed to. I couldn't stay when it was hurting me like that. I’m sorry I hurt you, but I needed to take care of myself.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you, too. I'm glad you left to take care of yourself. Don't get me wrong. I was hurt. Am hurt? I don't know. Am hurt, I guess. But I’m glad you did it for yourself. I’m glad you gave yourself what I couldn't give you.”

They stayed silent for a few moments, taking in each other’s apologies.

“Tobin. I’m back. I’m back because I have faith in you. You hurt me but I still have faith that you're better than that. I know you can be better than that. I just don't want to get hurt again. I missed you. I missed you so fucking much that I couldn't sleep at night without you holding me and scratching my back like you used to. My coffee didn't taste the same because you weren’t the one making it. My heart hurt without you with me. I thought it would go away, but it didn’t. I still miss you. I still love you,” Tobin’s breath caught in the back of her throat at that. Those were the words she longed to hear for nearly four months. The words that made her heart flutter and break at the same time, “just please don’t hurt me like that again.” Christen pleaded with tears of her own on her cheeks now.

Tobin shook her head furiously. “Never. God, I couldn't live without you, Chris. I don't deserve a second chance-”

“God, Tobin, stop. Stop saying shit like that. You do. You might have hurt me but you loved me too. You loved me a whole lot and I felt it. I’m sorry for saying the shitty things I did. Let me come back to you. Let me give you a second chance.”

They were both sobbing at this point. They abandoned their drinks on the small table in front of them to be able to hold each other with both hands.

“Are you sure?” Tobin asked hesitantly, looking between both of the green eyes.

“If you’ve changed the way Alex says you have and you’re willing to keep working on us, yes. I’m sure.”

Tobin grabbed the girl’s shoulders and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. Christen accepted it and reciprocated. They stayed like that for a moment, basking in each other’s love.

“Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you so much. I’m going to do everything I can to give you what you deserve this time around. I don’t want to ever let you go again.”

“Please don’t.” Christen cried out.

Tobin pulled her head back, resting her forehead against Christen’s and holding her face in both of her hands. “Never. Never again. I’m never letting you go again.”

“Kiss me, you fool.”

That was all it took for Tobin to crash her lips onto Christen’s. It was salty and wet and kind of gross. It was also full of love and hurt and ‘I kind of really missed you.’ But all too soon, Christen let out another “ow” in pain.

Tobin pulled back quickly. “What? What happened baby?”

Christen swooned at the affectionate name. “Sorry. Just, my lip still hurts from the burn.” They laughed, cheeks still wet and eyes still red.

“Can I kiss it better?” Tobin asked, taking Christen’s usual line.

“Always.” Christen whispered before letting Tobin kiss her pain away again.

______________________

a/n: so it was actually a breakup/make up fic I guess. Hope you enjoyed it. Leave me asks and let me know how I did:) thanks for reading!

#preath #preath fanfic #preath fanfiction #preath fic #christen press #tobin heath #woso #woso fanfic #woso fanfiction #woso fic #uswnt #au

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