I love the little smiles I do on my wip pics, they just aren't complete without em

lil ooc update abt current situation + whats happening with this blog etc

where to start. i think it’s obvious i’ve been struggling a bit recently, for anyone who paid attention to the quite many times where i kept cursing holiday season for keeping me too busy and exhausted to do stuff here and stating that as soon as i would get a breather i would get stuff done, and then that... didn’t really happen. i had almost a whole week off and could not, for the life of me, get myself to work on drafts, or anything really. it wasn’t just in terms of rp, literally everything else i was planning to get done during my time off did not get done. the moment i told myself ‘ok, you can relax now’ my brain switched off and all i could do was idly play games and watch random series. which in itself is not a bad thing. i know with hindsight after what i dealt with during the holiday (and arguably the whole month of december), it was important that i gave myself a break, a real break. 

the bad thing is the guilt i felt at not being able to keep my word.

and frankly, it wasn’t even because i lacked motivation. it’s just that it never... ends. not that i should want it to, because this is a enjoyable hobby, but whenever i find the time and inspiration to dive into things here, it increases, in a way. the more i do, the more i have to do. the main example being for the christmas stuff i never finished, or the couple of memes i’ve tried to do this week. i go in motivated, full steam ahead. get 3, 4, 5 things done, so more are sent my way, and it feels like what i’ve managed to accomplish up to that point was pointless because it only gets attention in the form of people asking for more of it, if that makes sense. what i do never... feels fully rewarding, in a way. and it kind of deters me from wanting to keep going, even if its flattering that so many people are interested.

given that, like i said, whenever i go into these im motivated and fully intending to get it done, there’s no obvious solution to it. im not a big fan of putting hard caps on things, be it memes or starter calls or whatnot, as sometimes i just get more inspiration for some than others regardless of what order they came in. so the only thing i can do about that particular issue is be more selective. which, is not something i like much either, knowing how many people here suffer from RSD, and that anyone who sends something in that i don’t actually get to will likely feel rejected to a degree. unfortunately it’s probably the best course of action for me, if i want to keep doing stuff without burning the fun out of it. i’ll do my best to find some kind of balance, and i apologize to people who will feel let down because of this.

something else that i feel has been damaging my capacity to get stuff done here is, in a way, my activity. not as in, how much writing i do, but the fact that, as i’ve stated in another post a couple of weeks ago, both my home life and work situation allow me to check on the dash almost constantly. which i love ! i don’t want that to change. i love being able to see what everyone is up to, and almost always being around to join in on whatever discussion or playful discourse is going on, whether ic or ooc. the problem with having such a constant access to the dash is that it leaves me feeling like i should always be doing something productive on said dash. which is incredibly unhealthy, ultimately. this is something else i’ve brushed upon over the last few weeks, but my level of accessibility should not dictate how active/productive i must be.

and this is why i feel like things have been going downhill over the past few months for me here, in terms of actual activity, and also quality (in my opinion); always feeling like im not doing as much as i should for someone who gets to be online as much as i am. because now, whenever i get actual, suitable free time to write, it feels like every other hour of the day where i could technically be writing but am not, and it typically passes me by just the same.

once again, it’s not something i intend to change, per se. i don’t plan to force myself to check on the dash less often or anything like that, and i still want rp to remain one of my main hobbies because i really do love it ! but i need to find a way to make myself not feel like i should always be doing more just because im there, so when i do get that perfect time to write, im motivated to actually use it.

i suppose this is the closest thing i have to a new years resolution: finding a couple of other things to keep busy with throughout my downtime, both at work and at home, so that even if i can always keep an eye on the dash i dont pressure myself to get things done and ruin the experience for myself.

so i can actually hold myself accountable for that, i’ve applied to take some online classes (i want to eventually graduate college despite working full time), so i can spend my downtime at work doing homework instead of scrolling on tumblr and wishing i could will myself to write. i’ve finally secured a url for a potential art blog so i can have a place to dump my aimless doodles on and hopefully, by extension, make it more of a habit to practice and draw. sometime this year i want to teach myself hand-sewing too. anyone who knows me knows that im obsessed with stuffed animals and i want to have made one myself by the end of 2020, no matter how simplistic.

ultimately, i don’t think any of these changes will affect my activity much, since, like i said, i wasn’t being nearly as active as i could have been anyway just because i put so much pressure on myself to be doing things just because i was there. i wholeheartedly believe that pushing myself to take interest in pastimes other than rp will make my actual rp experience a lot more enjoyable and productive when i actually sit down to write.

in any case, i wanna thank everyone for both their patience and understanding, as always. im very thankful for the friends i made here and the many talented partners i get to write with, and i just want that to show in the content i put out from now on.