on loneliness jenny slate / japanese breakfast, posing for cars / corinne von lebusa, big glow / dadushin / alejandra pizarnik, tr. me / fka twings, home with you / avocado_ibuprofen / fiona apple, left alone / anne carson, “the anthropology of water”, plainwater / kiki smith, free fall / alejandra pizarnik, diaries

hey :) i just wanted to say i saw your tags about engagement on a discord server and i'm really sorry to hear you've been feeling that way. it sucks so much to feel like you're doing something wrong no matter what you do, but i just wanted to say that i'm sure it's not your fault. for one thing, people will always complain, and if you talk more than someone, you're not taking talking space from them – anyone who implies that is just being critical for no reason, there's enough space for everyone on a server. plus, you're starting conversations, you're actually making room for people to join conversations, so they have absolutely no leg to stand on. it must be so frustrating to encourage activity and not get anything back, but that's not on you. you're doing a good thing, trying to keep a community alive. sometimes they just die down or activity declines and it's nobody's fault, and nothing anyone can do about it. you're doing great <3 i hope the anxiety calms down soon <3

thanks 🥺 i think part of this is a general distress from being a person with more staying power with most. by which i mean, when i pick a fandom, i STICK with it for a really long time, and most of my friends.......don't. so many of my friends have moved on to other fandoms that i have no interest in, and they no longer have an interest in the fandom(s) that i'm interested in. i'm really bad at maintaining friendships when we no longer have that common interest, and i'm also not great at making new friends apparently, so i've just kind of ended up without anyone to really talk to about it. i've got like 1 and a few halves fandom friends now 😅

so for the communities i've relied on for years to also start falling apart and fading away is really distressing. and the idea that, in trying to make it better and keep it going, i'm also somehow driving people away?? that kicked off one of the biggest emotional meltdowns i've ever experienced, not gonna lie. i started crying immediately and didn't stop for over an hour.

and i feel bad cuz i know i can't blame anyone else for losing interest or moving on, and i can't ask or expect them to try and force themselves to stay engaged with a fandom they don't care for anymore just because i'm lonely and can't move on to anything else. compounded by the fact that, frankly, i don't like the overall fandom nearly as much as i used to either, lol. being in it is anxiety-inducing in its own right, but no other fandom has managed to catch my eye (that has content to sustain me), so i have no alternative community or social safety net either.

it's just a catch-22 of an emotional clusterfuck. all this combining with significant irl stressors, the general world-wide Everything Is Going To Shit environment, and burnout from trying to make myself be productive because i MISS being productive and engaged and enthusiastic about things when i just can't anymore. so i'm constantly on edge and super reactive.

sorry to vent all this at you, aldkfhkhgh 😬😂 you're very kind and i appreciate the heck out of you. i am taking some deep breaths and getting a snack. ♥♥♥