Hobgoblin (AD&D)

Hobgoblins! Like goblins, only...hobbier? Or rather, they’re bigger and stronger and...more orange than regular goblins. And I hear they’re highly militarized in structure. But only the parts of the military that make them more evil. Let’s take a gander, then!

General:  “Hobgoblins are a fierce humanoid race that wage a perpetual war with the other humanoid races.” So, first sentence, and we already are embroiled in a war of racial violence. ...This doesn’t bode well. “They are intelligent, organized, and aggressive.” See, if it wasn’t for the previous sentence, or the adjective “aggressive”, they could simply be intelligent and organized. But no, to hell with that, they’re evil, because my fighter isn’t going to getting to Level 5 by not murdering people. “The typical hobgoblin is a burly humanoid standing 6 1/2′ tall. Their hairy hides range from dark reddish-brown to dark gray. Their faces show dark red or red-orange skin. Large males have blue or red noses. Hobgoblin eyes are either yellowish or dark brown while their teeth are yellow.” Wait, really? I’ve never seen it portrayed where their face is a significantly different color from the rest of their body, not to mention their noses. It makes them sound almost like baboons, or mandrills, or other weirdly colorful apes... And of course, they have terrible dental hygiene, because it’s not like anyone who wasn’t evil didn’t have terrible teeth, too. Heaven forbid a good person ever be unable to receive or afford dental care, right? “Their garments tend to be brightly colored, often bold, blood red. Any leather is always tinted black.” I’m struggling not to quote “Paint It Black”, here, guys. “Hobgoblin weaponry is kept polished and repaired.  Hobgoblins have their own language and often speak with orcs, goblins, and carnivorous apes. Roughly 20% of them can speak the common tongue of man.” ...Wait, the common tongue of man? Since when has humanity ever, ever had a common tongue? I mean, you get lingua francas from time to time, but even those are usually known more by scholars or merchants or the like, not all people, everywhere. Hell, the closest we’ve ever gotten to a “common language” is English, and that’s only due to the cultural influence of both Great Britain and the United States over the last two centuries, after the Industrial Revolution was well underway, and then even more so after the advent of television, and later the Internet. To me there’s a gaggle of weird and/or unfortunate implications by having a “common language” that is explicitly “of man” in a pseudo-medieval setting. Not to mention, if dwarves and elves have been around longer, as they so often are in D&D settings, why wouldn’t any lingua franca descend from Dwarvish, Elvish, or hell, even Draconic?? ...I’m sorry, I got off on a tangent, so allow me a very small one: “Carnivorous apes”?! Where are the carnivorous apes?! I haven’t seen any carnivorous apes in this book, much less ones that are sapient to the point of using language. Did I miss them?? I mean, they can’t be using an insulting term for orcs or goblins, because they’re mentioned by name alongside the “carnivorous apes”. Where are the apes?! Alright, sorry, moving on.

Combat: “Hobgoblins in a typical force will be equipped with polearms (30%), morningstars (20%), swords and bows (20%), spears (10%), swords and spears (10%), swords and morning stars (5%), or swords and whips (5%).” You know, with a diversity of arms like that, and if you read up on the necessary strategies to portray this in-game, you could make the hobgoblins masters of combined arms tactics. A squad of spearmen defending the archers, and such. I mean, I suppose a high enough level wizard could blow through such groups with fireballs and the like, but on the other hand, if it’s just the one wizard against an army of hobgoblins, an army has more men to spare than most wizards have spells for the day... “Hobgoblins fight equally well in bright light or virtual darkness, having infravision with a range of 60 feet. Hobgoblins hate elves and always attack them first.” I...well. ...That came right the hell out of nowhere, didn’t it? No context of any kind, before or after, this is the last sentence of this section. Just leave us on that note, eh? Is this just to remind DMs that if the party has an elf in it, any hobgoblin armies will just beeline towards them for murder? What’s the point?

Habitat/Society: “Hobgoblins are nightmarish mockeries of the humanoid races who have a military society organized in tribal bands,” Ah. Just starting off with a right hook of “evil AND ugly”, eh? Well. “Nightmarish mockeries”? Seriously? Just because they do have a military society, and are perhaps not as “classically beautiful” like the elves are, doesn’t make them “Nightmarish mockeries”. I mean, most dwarves aren’t exactly lookers, themselves, and their society is all about mining and killing whatever disrupts their mining, but that doesn’t make them “nightmarish mockeries” of anyone else who mines and is militaristic. Hell, “nightmarish mockeries” would make more sense if they were corruptions of a different race, like how Tolkiens orcs are thought to be corrupted elves, or if they were just manufactured by some evil entity, but as far as I can tell hobgoblins arose as naturally as any other race in Dungeons & Dragons, and yet you’re just going to call them “nightmarish mockeries of the humanoid races who have a military society”.  Right.  “Each tribe is intensely jealous of its status. Chance meetings with other tribes will result in verbal abuse (85%) or open fighting (15%).” This just gives me the hilarious mental image of some scribe shadowing a hobgoblin tribe and recording the reaction whenever they came across a different tribe over the course of a year or two. “It just gets into a metaphorical pissing match 85% of the time.” “That’s ludicrously precise.” “Hobgoblin tribes are found in almost any climate or subterranean realm. A typical tribe of hobgoblins will have between 20 and 200 (2d10 x 10) adult male warriors. In addition, for every 20 male hobgoblins there will be a leader (known as a sergeant) and two assistants. These have 9 hit points each but still fight as 1+1 Hit Die monsters. Groups numbering over 100 are led by a sub-chief who has 16 hit points and an Armor Class of 3. he great strength of a sub-chief gives it a +2 on its damage rolls and allows it to fight as a 3 Hit Die monster. If the hobgoblins are encountered in their lair, they will be led by a chief with AC 2, 22 hit points, and +3 points of damage per attack, who fights as a 4 Hit Die monster. The chief has 5-20 (5d4) sub-chiefs acting as bodyguards. Leaders and chiefs always carry two weapons.” ...This implies a much more complex and organized society than the monstrous manual will deign to elaborate on. And on a minor note, why didn’t they go all the way with the military ranking thing? Like, okay, so you got sergeants in charge of 20-man groups, why isn’t the “sub-chief” called a “captain” or a “colonel”, or something? Why isn’t the chief a “general” or “warlord”?  ...Don’t tell me it’s because by using “tribal” terminology it makes them seem more “primitive” and therefore less “cultured” and therefore because they don’t contribute much in the way of “culture” it’s “more okay” to exterminate them, because that would be nothing short of absolutely hideous. “Each tribe has a distinctive battle standard which is carried into combat to inspire the troops. If the tribal chief is leading the battle, he will carry the standard with him, otherwise it will be held by one of his sub-chiefs.” ...Well, uh, good? Is there some morale bonus for depriving them of it? If there is, you don’t expound upon it here. Is it in the DMG? “In addition to the warriors present in a hobgoblin tribe, there will be half again that many females and three times as many children as adult males.” Oh, my God. So literally for every two hobgoblins you’re killing, that’s three hobgoblin women and six hobgoblin children you’re leaving without a father/husband/brother/what-have-you? That’s awful. You keep doing this, Monstrous Manual, you keep telling us about the women and children, right after telling us that this species can be killed without any moral quandaries, and then don’t tell us what to do about the noncombatants that the party will leave behind, traumatized, if you play them as written. It is baffling. “Fully 80% of all known hobgoblin lairs are subterranean complexes. The remaining 20% are surface villages which are fortified with a ditch, fence, 2 gates, and 3-6 guard towers. Villages are often built upon ruined humanoid settlements and may incorporate defensive features already present in the ruins.” See, this shows at least as much knowledge of construction of fortification, or ingenuity in utilizing old construction, as the armies of Rome did in ancient times, but I hardly think you would call Rome ‘uncivilized’ or free to exterminate, eh? Despite the Roman Empire being at least as devoted to military expansion as these hobgoblins you’re trying to portray as irredeemably evil.  “Hobgoblin villages possess artillery in the form of 2 heavy catapults, 2 light catapults, and a ballista for each 50 warriors. Underground complexes may be guarded by 2-12 carnivorous apes (60%)” It is things like this that I like, because they do portray the military focus of their society, even though I know it’s to show DMs how to design these fortresses that their parties are inevitably going to infiltrate and burn to the ground.  ...Also, again with the carnivorous apes?! Did I overlook an entry in this book? Where are the carnivorous apes?? ......Oh, they’re under ‘Mammal’.  ...Huh. See, it’s just weird that, first of all, they can be spoken with in a manner they can understand, and also as far as I know there are no apes that are obligate carnivores? ...I mean, I suppose more than a few are insectivorous, but that’s a little different from red meat, you know? Though who knows, I could be wrong. Moving on! “They are highly adept at mining and can detect new construction, sloping passages, and shifting walls 40% of the time.” See, between the mining, the stout defenses and fortifications, and the racial hatred towards elves, explain to me in what way hobgoblins are different from most dwarven kingdoms.

Ecology: “Hobgoblins feel superior to goblins or orcs and may act as leaders for them.” ...In a “white man’s burden”, kind of way, or...? “In such cases, the ‘lesser races’ are used as battle fodder.” Ah. ...Though in practice, that’s usually how the “white man’s burden” mentality seems to play out, too... “Hobgoblin mercenaries may work for powerful or rich evil humanoids.” But only evil ones, because since when have good humanoids ever been powerful and/or rich? Like, this is especially odd, considering if you’re mercenaries, you work for the highest bidder, usually, right? So if the good guys pay you better, could you convert hobgoblin mercenaries to your way of thinking? Or, because they’re EEEEEEVIL, would they take the money and run?

Koalinth: “This marine species of hobgoblin is similar to the land dwelling variety in many respects. Koalinth dwell in shallow fresh or salt water and make their homes in caves. Their bodies have adapted to marine environments via the evolution of gills. Their webbed fingers and toes give them a movement rate of 12 when swimming. Their bodies are sleeker than those of hobgoblins and they have light green skin. They speak an unusual dialect of the hobgoblin tongue.” ...So does anyone else get vague flashbacks to the seadweller trolls from Homestuck? Because I’m getting vague flashbacks to the seadweller trolls from Homestuck. ...Also, hold up, they evolved gills? So evolution in Dungeons & Dragons is confirmed. So are hobgoblins some manufactured-to-be-evil race, or did they arise through natural evolution? Because if they evolved naturally there is no reason that I can think of that they would be absolutely bugfuck evil, to a man. “They tend to employ thrusting weapons like spears and pole arms. Koalinth are every bit as disagreeable as hobgoblins, preying on every thing they come across, especially aquatic humanoid and demi-human races. They detest aquatic elves.” Well that’s self-destructive as hell. If you destroy anything and everything that is not you, then anything that isn’t you is going to gang up on you and take you out. It’s societal suicide.  ...And again with the weird, specific elf hate. No expounding on that point at all, just “they hate THESE GUYS in particular”.  I mean, I suppose racism doesn’t really have any good explanation, but usually they try to think of some threadbare justification to sate their own warped consciences.

General: Well! I mean, if nothing else, you can’t say their society isn’t organized. ...But if the males are implicitly all warriors, does that leave the women to farm and feed these armies? Because I mean, hey, an army can’t fight on an empty stomach, right? At least, not very well. And raiding and pillaging neighboring cities only works for so long, once their scouts tail you back to the lair and call down a siege that you can only outlast if you actually do have farms to feed off of. Like maybe I kind of harp on this, but a society needs an infrastructure to realistically survive. It can only mooch off of others for so long. Like, I suppose if they get big enough to actually conquer a human kingdom, they could use their new vassals to farm for them, but the entry as written implies hobgoblin settlements are usually individual fortresses with relatively small garrisons.  Also, the children! What are you going to do with the hundreds of children?! You could raise them as your own, but then that almost plays into all sorts of “white savior”/”white man’s burden” narratives, and... It’s all just a little frustrating. Like, okay, yeah, the whole “they are military-based, and are evil” isn’t that much better than “all they do is banditry. Banditry all the time, 24/7, 365 days a year, they’re evil”, but it at least is more easily made into an actual workable culture that can realistically be portrayed in a setting? Like history is no stranger to military dictatorships. You can play up the Lawful bit of their Lawful Evil alignment, make them be very heavy on the hierarchy of the chain of command, give them a very zealous military police, a court martial, all that. Like, if their theme is “military”, play it to the hilt, I’d say.  And they still needn’t be evil, even at that point. They could just be an overly zealous, overly paranoid obsessed with making sure their people are not conquered. Hell, make ‘em Sparta. A proud military city-state that doesn’t take no guff from outsiders. Until they bite off more than they can chew, are conquered by a much larger outside empire, and are quickly rendered irrelevant for the rest of time, if you’re going to go all-out with the analogy, but still. I guess what I’m saying is, and really this applies to every entry on this blog, is that you gotta work for it. Maybe they’re an isolationist city-state, maybe they’re an expansionist empire, maybe you drop the militaristic culture entirely and make them peaceable agrarians, just take the “monster” given to you and give them just a modicum of depth. Or at least, deeper than what the Monstrous Manual offers. Shouldn’t be hard. :P