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ugh moment

I HAVE TO LAUGH I HAVE TO LAAUGGGGFHFH

pov talking shit abt my sister in vc when my door is ever so slightly open and she probably heard me so now im all embarrassed to go out into the living room out of fear that she'll be like "so what were u talking about in there"

alright, let's do the lowdown of "where the fuck has suna been all this time." probably gonna be long so ill put a keep reading, but tldr: life got bad, life got better, im working on existing in fandom space again

SO. i cant remember the last time i posted, so let's start at where shit went bad. 2020 baby, the rona hit, i graduated college virtually, lost my job, and ended up having to move to another state bc new jobs were so hard to come by. started anew down here in maryland, though a little worse for wear bc i went from living with my 4 best friends to having exactly 0 friends. very isolating, no fun. got cats, one of them died, so that didn't help at all.

fandom-wise, iacon online was both a huge benefit in my life and a huge pain. a lot of stress and misery went into that convention, but a whole lot of good came from running it. i ended up getting the chance to do 3 covers for idw, which was a massive blessing. became friends with multiple members of the cybertronic spree, made new friends with other organizers, got to accidentally roast james roberts to his face.

but it was also very stressful, and admittedly, my love for transformers did a huge swell and then took a big hit. i spiraled into a weird pit of having no interest in anything, lost interest in writing my fic, and started exploring other parts of my life. especially when idw lost the license to transformers, because fuck, now if i want to do covers again, i gotta make MORE connections. i was just very tired and burnt out. started hating all my artwork and despising how i was drawing for validation instead of passion.

sort of accidentally became a prominent creator on tik tok, so i got to explore other parts of my life that got lost in the transformers shuffle. got a new job working remotely, adopted another cat, things were looking up. then my apartment had a fire and i spiraled again, even worse. my mental health still hasn't recovered. it is a miracle that my belongings, health, and pets were ok, but i didnt even feel safe in my own home anymore. still struggling with it almost a year later, even in a new apartment. its been hard.

but i was shuffling on spotify today and stumbled onto my blitzbee playlist, and i got a little twinge in my tummy. i miss transformers. i dont miss being completely consumed by it, but i want to reintroduce myself to the fandom, start making mecha art again, as well as other art.

and i swear on my life, i WILL finish my fic. even after all this time, i still read all the comments i get on roe, on aufn, and especially kwz. i see how many of you want me to finish it, and i want to too. and i will. itll just take me some time to reintroduce myself to the fandom, to get comfortable with creating out of a place of love rather than out of a place of need for external validation. roe was a passion project, and its so clear with how much it was loved. it was good bc it was made out of a place of excitement, out of me genuinely wanting to share the story, not just wanting the likes and kudos. and im feeling that passion again. not 100% just yet, but i am.

so yeah, thats the deal. life has settled. still suffering with post traumatic stress from the fire and trying to feel safe in my space again, but im improving. im finding love for transformers again. im finding love for a lot of things again, and i dont want to box myself into one passion or the other. im a lot of things and i want to give myself space to love all of the things that i love. and robots are one of those things, but not the only one.

blitzbee forever. i will die a dirty bee kinnie and a blitzy simp.

woo life update #2 bc i have internet now & am not actually losing my mind.

HELLO ‼️ yeah like end of march/the entirety of april was quite literally the worst time of my life and i am very. tired. a hiatus was vv much needed. (plus i didnt have wifi anyways so its not like i could do much here even i wanted to.)

i’m still not back. bc things are still vv rocky. (& literally stressing myself to death for a month and a half has left me physically ill SKSKSKS). but here are some small things that’ve happened !

1): i don’t have a laptop anymore. so when i do eventually decide to come back art is gonna be in a very weird spot. (im using my mom’s ipad rn but i also dont have an apple pencil so drawing with a stylus is odd).

^ adding onto that point. i also scrapped everything i was working on beforehand. i had already backlogged myself, so having to start using a whole new device just gave me the push to scrap all the ideas i had, and refocus myself. (most of them were just gifts for friends & birthdays i missed. :( but its okay hopefully you guys will have more sksksk).

for the time being i think i’m just gonna be making things i feel like making. ever since i started on tumblr i’ve always treated it like a job bc ive always thought it was unfair to those who followed me, and it was seriously starting to diminish my love for certain things (especially as i got into more things like genshin n honkai; feeling like i had to make an absurd amount of content everyday so things seemed ‘fair’ really just tanked my mood). but after taking a month break i was like “yo these are my blogs i should just do what i want.” SO ‼️ virek is still around & i’m still working on him, but there isn’t any set schedule bc i like a lot of things rn, and am just only gonna work on him when i’m in the right mood 🫂 (i don’t wanna end up hating him)

2): i’ve gotten really into honkai star rail & am already close to doing everything there is to do. so now i have more old people in my arsenal to draw.

not much has happened besides me sleeping/gaming to distract from literally everything else going on in my life. so forgive me for my absence 🫶 but hopefully i’ll be doing a lot better when i come back <3 (again the hiatus was. much needed. bc anyone who speaks to me literally ever knows that i can never actually take a break. thankfully this time i was forced to <3. and still kinda am bc our wifi is kicking on and off still & is vv janky but ANYWAYS. ILY GUYS 🫶 GIVE ME LIKE ANOTHER HALF YEAR AND I’LL BE BACK AND NOT GOING INSANE /j)

I agree with what you just said about this place, basically Bill's fandom and I use that word loosely, being dead AF. It's, he, is so boring lately. It took me awhile to really mean that bc I wanted to hope his light would come back again. But he doesn't seem to care about his fans or even himself anymore. Have you noticed he wears the same black outfit (black shirt black pants or jeans) all the time now? He only manages a smile when he's not with you know who. And yet he keeps showing up with you know who. If he can't bother to care why should his fans? I just hope his acting hasn't suffered like his life has. I loved watching him in pretty much anything. Dude can act and it comes naturally. That's something other actors would kill for.

I see hes trying to give some content and trying to look good, younger ( thus the rings and earring , and all that dark clothing) BUT is not enough. He is always hiding , the news that get to come out its because fans are looking for them ... his team is most of the time silent. There is no hype around him , not even in this fandom ( not as it may have been 4 years ago x example) and next year is key , he will have at least 3 movies out in different times of the next year.

Sorry for the following rant it's just to get it out of my chest. I won't talk about that anymore from now.

I want to also say something since sometimes I get some ask that I later erase with the typical " you just hate you are not with him".

Im not stupid , I'm not in love of someone I DONT KNOW. Also I have nothing personal against Alida M, I don't know her personally to hate her. But I DO HAVE A PROBLEM with wasted privilege.

The reason why I started to like Bill and - why not- his family is because you can see they all worked to get what they want. They may have had it easier in some ways but they always wanted to go beyond , try something else to make a name on their own. I admire that. They are not the classical nepo rich kids.

A is the very opposite. She wanted to be a public persona and that's fine but only promoted her rich kid personality while traying ( in interviews ) to portray herself as a working woman. I hate fake humility. It's ok if she just wanted to be a socilite ... why lie ? why say you are an actress but don't look for more projects? why dont take classes? and if its not for you then why not USE THE POSITION you have to build something else? There is alot to do for the industry : casting, writing, make up, production, etc. She bragged on her personal social media acc about the wrong things. Contradiction at it's finnest

A contradiction that reflected onto Bill later on , the humble funny likable guy aware of his upbringing disaspeared before our eyes , he sounded in interviews more and more cocky and selfcentered. He claimed being private but at the same time was being recorded on intimate moments very often. We started to see him stressed , tired ,a shadow of who he was.

There were no changes... 'till now. I gotta acknowledge her attemps to change, also what Bill is trying to do to save - idk - his image and maybe his family too ¿? . Still the damage has been done

Anyway i'm just one among millions in the world , if I or all the people in this fandom leaves , new ones will arrive. We are replaceable.

I wish him luck in whatever he is trying to do.

And yes he can act , thats the only things that keeps his fandom slightly breathing.

so yesterday on my walk i was thinking bc you know like. mental health walks or whatever. technically mine are more physical health walks bc i dont get much activity time but whatever not the point.

so i was thinking about like. ok im not lonely but its like. i have a lonely existence. i dont feel lonely or alone but like, objectively i am, if that makes sense??

i dont really have friends. like i have mutuals on here but we dont really talk and tbh its like, definitely my fault for that. and i was thinking about how ive basically NEVER had friends. like i had "friends" when i was in preschool in kindergarten, but they were more just classmates than anything else. we didnt hang out after school or do playdates or anything like that. i was never anyone's first or even second choice for anything. i only got invited to stuff the entire class did.

and my family like moved a lot. at some point we moved back and i went to that same school again and even though my class like, recognized and remembered me, they all like... moved on. nobody wanted to be my friend anymore. and once again i think it was on me.

and i dont think im an asshole or anything like that, i think im just. boring. im quiet and boring. i dont do anything, my ideal day would revolve around me being completely alone. i dont dislike people, but im so far away from being a people person that its like. ruining my relationships?

and i was on my walk and i realized that like. i know lots of people. no scratch that probably everyone has felt out of place at least once in their life. but i genuinely feel like i have never fit in. and i think its bc so much of life and society and everything puts emphasis on social activity. and i just like,,, cant do it.

i dont like talking. like, i CAN. if i really really try i can force conversation, i can force myself to go along with things, but i basically never initiate conversation bc i just. i dont like it. i like silence and gift giving and actions to show love. ive never been one to say anything to signify my thoughts or feelings. its like... my family are the only ones im comfortable enough around to talk to, and even then its mostly just my sister and dad. and its definitely a rare thing. only when im really invested in whatever someone else is talking it.

but like. so much of friendship and just humans in general require TALKING. i cant be friends with someone i dont ever reach out first. i cant be friends with someone i dont talk to. thats just sort of how it seems to work. and ive never been that guy. ive always been told i was a quiet kid, that i was a horrible conversationalist, that i was too shy. and like i am i guess anxious around people a bit. but i dont know if i ever was shy. i think i just didnt like talking. thats just like. who i am as a person.

i do like my internal dialogue. like, im not just sitting in complete silence all the time. i just am content with my own company. i think. maybe thats why reading and writing are so important to me? i can write and write and write about the thoughts in my head but i hate trying to voice them to another person. talking into the void like this feels so much easier. maybe im just bad with people and i need practice. i dont know. but i think im just,,, not cut right for what the world wants a person to be. i dont feel like a social animal. i mean, id probably get lonely if i WAS fully alone. this isnt like some weird alpha man who needs nobody and cant rely on anything kind of thing. i know im probably just taking what i have now for granted. but. hm.

so its like. its weird. i cant do small talk, i cant fake laugh, i never have anything to talk about. i dont DO anything, because ive always been content being by myself. i need a couple hours of silence and alone time every day or i get stressed and miserable. and i know i need to just get over it and TALK to people and reach out first sometimes and actually be a person. but it feels so. impossible. its like im just bad it. i do a bad job at existing around people. is this just normal introvert behavior and im just stuck around extroverts my entire life? does everyone feel like this? is everyone just faking it forever? at my old job, people started to not like me and look annoyed whenever i showed up, because i didnt talk to them and was too quiet. i answered with yes and okay to most things and that was it. i just worked in silence the rest of the time. everyone else didnt like that. they wanted to talk to me. i made no friends. i barely made acquaintances. i feel like im just doing this whole thing wrong, but its like. i feel bad about not talking bc other people want me to. i dont WANT to talk more. im fine with this little bubble im in. it just sucks that i feel like im making other people feel upset or disliked or unwanted when thats not true!! i like being around people, most of the time, and i dont mind being talked AT. i just. i dont want to HAVE to add more things in just for the sake of talking.

i dont know. i forgot most of what i was thinking. this is mostly just like a dump of words and thoughts. ive been weird the past couple days. but whatever. i wont even delete this!! its just void talk anyways. its not even talk. im just typing to nobody. maybe its the expectations. god i dont even know anymore. tumblr's starting to lag from all this text i think. does any of this even makes sense?? i dont know if im like. articulating it well. as i said im not good with this kind of stuff.

ok well thats out of my system for now i think. bye void

june 12th

hi 

i wanted to start writing because i feel like itll help me in some way, ive never really said anything i think or feel. i never really say anything at all. 

if for some reason someone who isnt me reads this im sorry. itll be a lot of word vomit and just generally unpleasant so maybe dont read all of it lol. im going to try and not use lol beacuse i do that to lighten the mood.

anyway.

yesterday before i went to work i had this really strange feeling. it was this weird sense of nothingness and everything? i feel like thats how people feel before they die. like a weird calmness. i felt comfortable and okay with everything. so i felt nothing really when i googled if hanging yourself hurts, i have a rope and everything but i just wanted to make sure i wouldnt feel any more pain. in my head i thought it would be kinda like a slap to the face if i wanted to kill myself because of the pain and then the last thing i feel is pain ha. 

anyway. i got really annoyed when all the results were for the suicide helpline. numbers to call, resources, texting lines everything. i just wanted to know. but then i gave up. as usual. 

all day yesterday i was just planning on when id do it. i wanted to pick a good day. i remembered that i have to clean my apartment first, make sure my cat is fed, but then my friends birthday is coming up and i wanted to wish them a happy birthday, and i had plans to hang out with my friend, and then after that i had plans to hang out with another of my friends. i realized maybe im too busy to die and i really didn't want to disappoint anyone. so i just gave up on that thought. (i did see my friends i was supposed to see yesterday, and this guy bought my food and drinks which has never happened before which was really nice) 

idk how i got here honestly. ive tried suicide before but obviously im writing so that didnt work. but before was different. i just went for it. i didnt think about it. i didnt plan anything i just went 1,2,3 go. i mean, i know how i got here. myself. if i wasnt such a fucking people pleaser maybe I'd have enough balls to be in a better place. 

my ex and i officially broke up last week, and thats kinda where it all started. i know it sounds stereotypical but i dont want to die because of the breakup but because of the feelings that came after it. i really wanted to break up. it was my idea in the beginning. but it took him forever to just say “yeah i dont have any feelings so this is it”. it was like my ego took a flip. ive actually have never had someone say that to me. that sounds really uppity i know. but its true. in my head i thought “after all i did for you thats how you end it?”. and i really ruined my life for this guy. i quit my old job i did hate it tho, moved away from my friends and family, he got into an accident so i used all my money to take care of him and had to take off work, drove him everywhere bc he couldnt drive, etc. and what did i get in return? he cheated on me twice, treated me like shit, slammed a door in my face so hard it broke my glasses, tried to hit me. the relationship was so bad all im left with is alcoholism and an eating disorder. so honestly, good riddance. 

he left me in a really, really bad place. i have to figure out where to live now since he just up and left. i dont have enough money to live on my own anymore. tbh i dont even want to write about it since it stresses me out so much. so i wont. ive just been drinking and going out to distract myself. not from him but like i said, the feelings that came after it. i want revenge, i want peace, i want him to apologize, i want him to never do this to anyone, and i just want to die. i dont have people to talk to about this stuff, i do but, i dont want to seem like an angry ex. i just want people to see the hurt that ive been through. i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay. that what i feel is normal. that people go through this all the time. i just want comfort. 

im sure if i actually told anyone about this theyd be like “but you have me!! you have your family!! you have people who care about you!!”. and yeah i do. but when youre so far down a hole, you dont see the light at the top, just darkness. and probably dirt lol. 

i cried for the first time today. since all of this happened i havent cried at all. my chest has been hurting so much since ive been holding it in. but the reason i started crying was kinda dumb. one of my old friends found me and reached out. he wanted to see how i was doing and what ive been up to. what was i supposed to say? “hey ive been horrible! just planning my suicide and and stuff ya know” but of course i couldnt say that so i just said ive been good. we caught up for a bit and thats when he said hes getting over a breakup that messed him up. so i took the bait and said yeah me too. he just said if you ever want to talk you can always call or text. so i just said thank you it means a lot and that things can only get better i guess. and idk why but thats when i started crying. he said 

“theres so much good to come” 

its so dumb but i felt like those words were just a giant warm blanket. especially with the head space that im in. obviously i could hear that from anyone. but hearing it from someone i haven't talked to in like 4 years meant so much more.

there are so many people who care about me. ive just been stuck dealing with my ex and only caring about what he had to think or feel. he never really cared about me like these people do. theyre concerned about me. they tell me to eat, they tell me theyre worried about my drinking, they dont want me to be out alone, they want to make sure im okay. 

so fuck my ex. fuck him and anyone who thinks hes a good person. hes such a manipulative piece of shit. no one really knows what ive been through. no one knows how hes left me. no one knows about the cheating. no one knows about the abuse. they know nothing. im sure hes talked about me. im sure hes told them how i have a hard time showing feelings. im sure hes told them.. i dont even know. hes probably pulled something out of his ass. and they probably feel so bad for him. i hope they do. and i hope one day they feel just as stupid as i do. 

i just had to get my anger out. 

but my friend is right i think. maybe there is good to come. ive decided to stick around to find out. 

This started out as a rant and turned into an entire Character Headcanon Study Blurb Thing whoops

Tumblr danganronpa fandom has the coldest takes on Kazuichi and it is so sad

And the ones that bug me most arent even from haters, theyre from people who are fans but like they think Kazuichi is just a Stock Stupid Character.

"Kaz is no thoughts head empty" bitch she sometimes *wishes* she were no thoughts head empty she is literally Always Thinking she cant even sleep sometimes because she gets Brain Racing. Dont let her kinda resting, kinda stressed out faces fool you that time where she was trying to look like a tough guy she was constantly thinking about how people saw her and what was going on socially and it was really overwhelming.

There's always like one or two songs, or like two pieces of a song that never finish, stuck in the unused tabs in her head while the used tabs are doing like fifty other things and feel like theyre going nowhere, which is so frustrating. She is unmedicated and doesnt know that she could use medication. She judges herself on Neuotypical Standards and assumes all of her autism and adhd traits are her "being dumb again." And you bet she internalizes that and it drills into her self esteem.

She makes open ended goals and gets frustrated that they never feel finished. She downplays all of her successes because she never feels good enough, especially if everyone ignored what she accomplished and just looks at her like they expect more. Life gets in the way and plans falter and she blames herself for all the failures (and exaggerates the failures in her head) and she is so rejection-sensitive and internalizes everything bad people say about her and lowkey thinks everyone hates her if people dont openly show that they're not mad at her. That they still enjoy her company.

Her dad was an asshole who took advantage of her skills and hypocritically expected a lot from her while not providing for their small family (which is just the two of them). You think she cant do housework? She was doing almost as much as Mahiru for her family (I did not intend to give them almost the same backstory just by not giving Kaz a mom but that's how it worked lol) before the "vacation." But everything ruined her expectations, her routine, her setup, so she had trouble doing things like washing her clothes because her thoughts would get in the way, including "Id have to find a block of time to not leave the house" because this is her One Oufit (sensory issues and not knowing how she wants to present herself right now make it harder for her to find other clothes she likes) and things like "we'll be able to go home any day now so what's the rush?" Im still not sure what she was doing to keep her clothes from smelling bad but it worked bc Hiyoko was canonically the only one who smelled bad and everyone else complained about it. But anyway this clothes thing probably weighed on her brain Sometimes A Little and Sometimes A Lot almost the whole time, making it harder for her to do anything about it. It's hard to make ADHD brain do the thing that does Not have a time limit AND weighs on you for so long and your brain tricks you by making up rules like"it cant be done until you do this other thing", and one of the rules in her head was probably "I shouldnt have to wash this until we get back home, and we're definitely getting back home any day now"

She wants to trust everybody, if she had it her way she would trust everybody all the time (and be friends with everybody all the time tbh), but she just cant.

Life has shown her that people are assholes, that they can and will betray her, and she still feels like a gullible little kid who gets hurt trusting everyone, so she overcompensates and trusts no one.

She doesnt want to be the sissy boy anymore so she overcompensates and tries to be the tough guy. She doesnt want people to call her gay like in middle school so when she's attracted to a woman's body she lets all the guys know so that they dont mysteriously find out that she's queer and hurt her for it (it's not actually mysterious but she has trouble telling when she's obvious about a crush or attraction to a guy so it always feels out of nowhere when guys pick up on that and call her a homo or a fag.) Her earliest crushes were boys and when she got her first girl crushes she thought she was finally "done with (her) 'gay phase' " and was deep in denial when she was still attracted to guys, including some of the assholes she was trying to impress all the time.

Not to mention the killing game. Every time she wasnt distracting herself with Hajime or Sonia just to keep herself Feeling Alright she was spending almost all that time trying to think of a way off the island. When Hajime said "with that much free time you should be more productive" I wanted to kick my shoe through my Nintendo Switch. Hajime Dumbass she was doing that pretty much every time she wasnt socializing. I think most adhd people have heard that line, "be more productive, focus on the right thing, dont get distracted," I know Hajime is just a kid with unchecked biases but yeah that line attacked me

"Be more productive" kind of like when she was trying to figure out her plans for the future? She's a totally creative dreamer who daydreams of big things like rockets and princesses and motorcycles and tanks, but with her autism she wants to be realistic, and her dad was always telling her to have her goals figured out so she would make money (also pushing her to always be supporting him because "Im your father I did everything for you") so she is stumped because her ideas are for creative scenarios that get limited due to real life: limited finances, sensory issues/motion sickness, and all the pessimism from over time of feeling like a dumb dumb kid. Her dreams were shut down so much she censors herself, and even when her dreams are more masculine and reachable, she's still hesitant to talk, but Hajime told her to settle for being a delinquent. She didnt want that. But she doesnt know what she wants that she can obtain so she's stumped. The fact that she is thinking about her future after graduating when she's also trying to find a way off the island...no thoughts head empty?

She literally stayed up multiple nights freaking out and coming up with plans for stuff, including to capture Nagito again so he doesnt hurt someone, and you think she's no thoughts head empty. Get out of here.

My thoughts feel very all over the place and our of control right now I have too much in mt.head and it is confusing I feel angry at so many insignificant things. My head is spinning. I've never been this fucking dysphoric before I feel so shit in and about myself I'm an absolute fucking wreck I've put on so much weight I feel so awful about mysekr even though I know I am healthier now I can't look at myself in a mirror inhate my apperance I hate my hair I hate the fact I feel like I don't have a personality or any sense of self I don't know what I like or how I want to look or dress and I hate it my dysphoria is killing me I'm constantly paranoid about my period starting again I cannot be calm I need to change something about myself binding is killing me it hurts so bad ans icant regulate my temperature and I feel like my T isn't doing jack shit the gender clinic are being fuckin useless I need top surgery ans hysto I feel so out of control of everything I hate it so much I need my chest to be flat I need to pass I need my hair to be good I need to be clean I need to be clean I am not clean I need to be clean I am not taking care of myself at all ans like.i am getting so angry irrationally and protective over how Jakes been treated bad in the past it makes me irate I want to hurt anyone that has ever made him feel any bad feeling I feel so possessive n protective over him lately he is mine and only mine and the fact it's not always been that way is infuriating to me rn. Idk if it's bc he's been sick n I've gone into over protective mode or what but idk. I feel so out of control I duxking hate this I think I need to go back on my meds but I'm not sure. I don't even know who I am anymore any sense of identity is slipping away from me because I try to shove myself into boxes but I don't fit into one certain subculture n it's killing me even tho I know it's literally no big deal but I feel like if I don't I'll get judged and have to be a certain way so I feel like I have no personality of my own and don't know what ahy of my own interests of likes are because I just moulf to people around me and I need to stop smoking but I can't but im almost out of baccy

but it's the only thing making my head shut up and feel calm right now and I literally feel.like I cannot function I am so overwhelmed by everything right now I hate it so much I feel like.im.never seeing Jake right now eieher because he's at work so much and burnt out and I miss him I miss him I don't feel good at all I feel like I am going insane and I want it to stop I've been having really bad sh urges and I've been able to not so far but I'm scared but I've been drinking again and I'm trying to stop because I don't want to get dependent on drigs or alcohol again but addiction is wireed into me because of how severe my fucking ADHD is I can't help it and I need to not but my gp won't give me any of my meds and adult services arnwt willing to help or do shit until I'm 25 bx of my auriam and I dont know what's going on with the gender clinic or Mt t ans I'm so stressed everything feels too much right now my head won't stop it won't be quiet I hate it I cand motivate myself to do anything I'm a failure and a let down and not good at anything and don't even know why I am still here I cabr work im so mentally fucked in the head I can't even get a job I am useless and worthless and my.life feels hoplwss like I'm never going to do ajytbing with it I hate my head I hate my brain I hate myself I have every single little thing about myself I do not feel like a person I feel so far dissociated and depersonalized and derealizeed I feel like a feral animal trapped in a cage scratching and clawinh trying to escape until my skin is raw and I am bleeding I want to rip mt.skin off I donf feel human I am not okay please somebody bwlp me I don't want to wakw Jake up I don't feel okay I don't feel okay I don't feel okay I hate this I just want it to stop I just want to feel okay I want to feel like an actual human being and not an angry terrified animal

i have not had time yet to sit down and rewatch the final episode to write comprehensive thoughts but i did absolutely need to tell u i looked at the endings songs lyrics like right before work and i was just like. on the floor. in so much pain. I CAN SEE WHY U LEFT IT TO THE END BC IT HITS SO HARD.... LIKE WHAT ARE THE LYRICS SO SWEET FOR??? my god like first we have "like, say, its cold out but your smile is all warm" IM SICK!!! MY HEARTS SO WARM HEARING THAT... ADACHIS SMILE IS HIS WARMTH...

AUGH YEAH literally at first i wasnt gonna translate the song bc i wasnt sure if i could do it well but i had to do it anyway for ep4 so i did the whole song and let me tell u . the experience of reading those original lyrics and Finally Getting What They Really Mean Was . Something Else I Swear ..... then i jst knew i had to post it after ep13 so it would Hit Hard for everyone else too 😔 (putting the rest of ur asks under the cut for length akfjkdsf)

2/ "every chance comes after endless waiting" im just remembering how live action drama kurosawa was in love with adachi for like 7 years or some crap and like ok im normal totally ... "want to muster courage, hold your hand just once" IM SO. IM SOOO NORMAL ABOUT THESE LINES... its such a simple request and yet it means the absolute world... and the way both of them sang the line... and im just. i remembering ur headcanon how adachi thought he may had only one last time to hold kurosawas hand

THE SEVEN YEARS DONT REMIND ME GOD !!!!!!!!! now ur making me think of the song in la drama kurodachi context w kurosawas Extended yearning and domestic dreams and .hhrhf . .jj jhwhejhjj !! kdjdhvk, jfh (<- having a very normal one)

why would u hurt me w my own hc Hey Hello . Ouch????? when they just wanna hold hands? ???? ???? (curls up and cries)

3/ "let the world lend me to you and bare its heart" ITS SO PRETTY?? IDK SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THEY LIKE PERSONIFY THE WORLD IS JUST VERY GORGEOUS TO ME.... "your throne's made of plenty love and praises / riches in form of many's first love / yet how's it that you hoard all that love just for me" how. how did you survive this. im on the floor. was thinking abt this all day. I GET IT U GUYS ARE IN LOVE KUROSAWAS ABSOLUTE DEVOTION TO ADACHI. just how his whole heart his everything goes to his love

YEAAHH the world as a metaphor for love and acceptance is [chefs kiss] So Good

i did not survive it i think abt those lines All the time ....... i did tweak them a liiitle bit in favor of matching the og syllable count (and creative liberty) but i hope i got the same idea across????? anyways kurosawa having so many ppls (superficial) love yet he keeps all of his love for adachi only no matter if it got reciprocated or not bc adachi saw past his perfection and Saw Him As A Goddam Person . they make me so sick in the head help

4/ "wait to meet me at the crossroads of life" i rlly like how kurosawas the one singing this line?? bc usually it's kurosawa doing the "waiting" until adachis is ready but this time hes calling out to him to wait for him? and im just? i have to lie down?? like this is not ok??? "though the world never once kissed my forehead" makes my heart hurt and "you still have me going on my tiptoes" i think of the cover art where he is on his tiptoes to kiss kurosawa i think and im just :>

SO TRUEEE when both of them wait for each other and they walk forward together ....... i cant express emotions in words anymore i need crycat pics

oh god speaking of the cover art kiss ive been meaning to draw that ep13 scene w adachi on his tippy toes for the longest fucking time i just. my face gets so red when i make any ship content beyond like holding hands so u can imagine the kind of stress im under . also kisses are inherently a bitch to draw i hate them !!!!! still gonna keep trying tho

5/ "if the world doesn't bare its heart to your eyes / then please let me hold your hand for it instead" IM JUST. THE HAND HOLDING. THEY JUST WANT TO HOLD HANDS.... and again i still think the whole thing abt the world is so pretty you know? ok ok and now where im tooootally ok and fine but "i long to sleep with you on one pillow / fall into shared dreams as i turn around / at the time please dont break them at bedside" THE DOMESTIC IMAGE? JUST WANTING TO BE TOGETHER IN SUCH A WAY? LIKE HEY????

thinks abt kurodachi having each other no matter what happens in their lives. holding hands despite it all. explodes

THE DOMESTICITY OF IT ALL !!!!!!! ITS SO SIMPLE YET IT HITS SO MUCH ...........

i dont remember what number i was on bc reacting to that last line just made me go through all the emotions again IM JUST. SOOOOO. how can such a small and simple request mean the world... mean the future... mean so much... i want them to enjoy such peaceful days forever and always and be in love till the end of time!!!! ok finally "a dream most sweet is that your smile is all warm" im on the floor. destroyed. thank you so much for these translations!!! I TRULY APPRECIATE IT I HAVE TO LAY DOWN

i am wishing rd kurodachi a very I Hope They Are Living Their Best And Happiest Lives Together And Forever (remembers manga vol 6-9 plots theyd hypothetically also go through) oh god oh fuck- (remembers vol 10 plot theyd hypothetically go through) OH WAIT-

LIES DOWN ALSO sorry abt the destroying i had no choice i was compelled by a dark force into writing that line . and again ty for yelling abt the sons w me im excited for ur ep13 rewatch asks kdjsfkjs

Im not ready

i dont have the words for how i feel just yet thats why i said friday. i cant even imagine myself talking about these feelings or knowing what im feeling. all i know so far is that im upset that im unmotivated and im not disciplined. im upset that sometimes i think certain thoughts irrationally then i take a step back and think rationally. it annoys me that i thought irrationally in the first place. now i know what you are gonna ask when we talk on friday, you are gonna ask “what thoughts” but they are stupid and dont deserve words or to be put out into the world like that. why should i let those stupid thoughts out into the world when my better and smarter thoughts cant make it past my mouth. i wont say those stupid ones because its not fair that i know what to say with those but not the others. its not fair to you or to me. im just confused right now. im nervous for our one on one time on friday, to cool off after wanna hang with kristen? im scared to cry in front of u, i know i cry a lot but something about being alone and crying in front of u scares the living shit out of me. im scared you will be mad at me, im scared you will think im crying for dramatics, im scared that you think i have no control. i think you do hate it when i cry. i think you see me as this stupid child who cant hold her own. i can hold my own, i know u know that i can hold my own. im sorry i cry, but everytime i do cry please dont give me that look as if im a big baby. as if seeing me cry is the worst part of me. maybe im looking into it too much but its just what i feel. 

you said last weekend that you alone should be enough to motivate me to being a better friend. youre right. ive taken that and im running with it. it sucked to see u sitting there thinking as if i dont care for our friendship as much as you do. it sucked to see that you feel as if you are alone in this friendship. but ive adopted this mindset recently that if one out of the two of us is feeling low then the other should try and pick up some of the slack. i wish adopted that earlier or else we wouldnt be here right now would we? if i would have just been there more. im sorry. i know u said im a good friend but i think after these past couple of weeks nothing is going to change my mind on the fact that i could be a better friend to you. 

you know sometimes its hard to trust what you say... ive heard plenty of times that you are good at lying. good at fake laughing. good at getting along with others that you have no interest in. good at lying about how you feel. do you see why its hard to trust what you say? but 9 times out of 10 i trust it. i trust that you say we will talk about it later, that you are fine and nothing is wrong. one memory that is really sticking out to me is that i remember specifically asking you if you were okay and you said you were fine and work was just stressing you out. i knew i should have pushed but i didnt because i believed your word. 

i know you say im your best friend but idk if i am anymore. i know we both have our own lives now but sometimes when im last to know about ur feelings (mark knows, amy knows, rose knows) it sucks. you go to these people first about your feelings towards me? why? why not come to me and we talk and problem solved? i have not even once gone to anyone about my feelings especially towards you first other than you. i dont go to antoni first, i write my note to you first before anyone. i have been feeling that gloom for the past week and i thought it was very noticeable in my unmotivated note. i know it may not seem like i dont go to you about my feelings bc it takes me a while to understand them, BUT no one besides you knows what im feeling. 

idk how i came to this but i did. bess, you are the bestest friend anyone could ever have. these feelings are insanely childish and stupid of me. when im over this hurdle everything will be good and fine!!!! i promise! i love you x